We've just completed the ENQ and it went well. H recognizes my needs and says he will try. I told him I wont push him and will acknowledge the steps he makes to improve. My problem is that he has a great need for admiration. He believes this is part of the problem with our marriage and one of the areas I failed in that caused him to question our relationship and take advantage of the opportunity to rekindle his relationship with first love. The bottom line - I dont admire him very much right now and he has not acted very admirably. I can try to be tactful and admire his efforts to work on our marriage, but, personally, I am repulsed by the thought of stroking his ego. He has read HNHN and the website and has come to the conclusion that I need to win him back and need to employ whatever means to do so. I am sorry, but, I can't do that. He seems to forget that both of us are responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Why should I have to bury all the hurt and be the perfect loving wife, while he gives himself unlimited time (perhaps years) to do what he feels compelled in his heart to do. He says he can't "fake it" but expects me to. Any ideas?

Here is an old post from Takola. I will not copy my reply, because I felt just like you. But now I think she was absolutely right. She titled it "The Reflection in Your Eyes"


posted December 31, 2003 01:04 PM
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I was watching the CNN Presents on Infidelity. I've recorded it and watched it twice now. I hope that many of you have done the same.

What I noticed was the late Dr. Shirley Glass saying that one of the attractions of affairs is the way a WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the lover. They see themselves reflected as attractive, desirable, adored human beings. That reflection is very addictive and consuming.

So, I'm wondering how our spouses see themselves reflected in our eyes.

Let me summarize some of the comments I've read recently by members about their spouses. Keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing from memory:

"He's lazy and hasn't worked in years."
"She's a frigid self-centered woman."
"He's a drunk and hates me."
"He has no ambition."
"He's angry and abusive; I think I married a monster."
"Should I even bother with this man?"
"Should I even bother with this woman?"
"Is he worth it?"
"Is she worth it?"

Setting aside that some of these are disrespectful judgments, let's look at what they portray or, rather, don't portray. Do any of these portray your spouse as an attractive, desirable, adored human being?

Hmmm...so, how we feel is reflected in our eyes, and the reflection of attractive, desirable, adored is addictive and consuming...

I don't see any post as often as I see "I don't think he/she loves me", and now I wonder - what is reflected in our eyes, and how significant of a factor is that reflection?

Babbling off....

Anyone have any ideas on how to admire a WH? Mine really did nothing to admire - he withdrew from me and family, spent all his money on OW, took her on rides on new Harley I helped pay for, did nothing around the house, etc, etc.

Mine really did nothing to admire
IS he doing ANYTHING now which you can "admire"?

Separate the behavior from the man.

Those things you hate about him...the choices he made...the behavior. He is a good man underneath. Why else would you have married him.

Begin to appreciate who he is, and look past the behavior. Be honest, honest, honest. Tell him, you love him, think he is a great person, is very loving, giving, smart, funny, warm, genuine, but it is hard to look pas tthe choices he made over those months. You are full of hurt and it is hard to not feel hurt.

Remind him when you talk with him about the anger and hurt you feel you are not blaming him...he will feel blamed...you are letting your feelings out and feel better afterwards. The gift he can give you is just to listen and not take these things you say personally. Dodge the darts.
(Got that last bit from John Gray's book "What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You, and Your Father Didn't Know")

Chris - Yes there are things about him that I used to admire. He was an extremely good man, a wonderful Christian, kind and caring to everyone. And I mean everyone. He treats a homeless man just like he would treat the president of the US. He is very genuine.

He raised his kids by himself until we met, did volunteer work, was an excellent worker at work, and lots of fun.

That is mainly why I will not hurt him. He does not deserve that.

So I will try to remember the good man he always was, and not look at current behavior.

there are things about him that I used to admire
That is not what I asked.

In order to meet his need for admiration, you need to do it for something he is doing NOW, not something he did in the past.
Is the anything he does NOW which you admire?
We've just completed the ENQ and it went well. H recognizes my needs and says he will try.
"Thank you for filling out the ENQs honey! I really appreciate it. I know it will help me to meet your needs!"

Why should I have to bury all the hurt and be the perfect loving wife
You don't HAVE to do this but go ahead and rant and rave at him at how much of jerk he was and see how what that gets you. Not much.
Don't do (necessarily) what you feel, but do what you NEED to do to make the marriage better.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

thanks, but I don't think I am ready for that kind of viewpoint yet. The A happened, and healing is the goal here, not laying blame of some kind. Nobody ever asked me how I felt in our marriage. Just because I was't the one to have the A doesn't mean that he was meeting my emotional needs. In fact I repeatedly begged him to meet my needs for emotional support and understanding during our marriage and it never happened. For example- Down mood earned responses like "are you pms-ing?" or "did I do something" If the answers were no, he would breathe a sigh of relief and walk away. If yes, to the pms, it would be another sigh of relief knowing that it would soon be over. If yes to some action on his part, he would ask what, and then try to convince me that I was mistaken and just taking things too seriously. So, what has been reflected in his eyes for years? What is reflected in one anothers eyes do give a glimspe of how we feel or the impression we give to one another, but, how can we reflect anything positive and wonderful if we are told on a regular basis that we are not loved as much as the OP, and never will be. How do we express honest admiration for someone who is only here because he promised he would be. Yes, perhaps there is hope for him to come out of the fog, but how much emotional battering do we have to accept while waiting for that to happen. To quote him " I love you for the strong person you are, but and am in love with her, and you are not capable of making me feel as good as she made me feel." All the rationalizing over the "process" doesn't comfort the crushed heart and spirit, and doesnt improve the self- respect and self- worth. He is convinced he married the wrong person 25 years ago, and every day I fight with myself not to tell him to just go then. But, he promised to stay and try, thinking that if it doesn't work here, it will work with her. He has two women who love him enormously, and is biding his time to figure out which one is the most beneficial for him to be with. NC for ten months and she still has a hold on his heart. I have been treating him like a king for 14 months, and he just looks at me and shrugs his shoulders saying "keep trying - maybe over time" I AM GETTING TIRED! I am even starting to wonder if the only reason I am fighting for this is because I don't want her to win. I am afraid that if I stop trying so hard he will just get up and leave. Or worse yet, hold to his promise to stay, but resume the A.

Chris - There is nothing now that he does that I admire. He has been living with the OW for a year. He no longer goes to church. In fact he was asked to leave, after I asked pastor to pray for our marriage.

He comes by about every 10 days or so, and says he wants to reconcile. But he wants to move back in with me, before he gives up OW.

Mostly I am working on my own spiritual walk. While he was the one that cheated, my reaction to it was most of the problem.

Sorry. I got believer & revelation mixed up.

revelation,
We've just completed the ENQ and it went well.
Then you tell him, "thanks!" for doing this.
This is admiration.

Why should I have to bury all the hurt and be the perfect loving wife
You don't HAVE to do this but go ahead and rant and rave at him at how much of jerk he was and see how what that gets you. Not much.
Don't do (necessarily) what you feel, but do what you NEED to do to make the marriage better.

but I don't think I am ready for that kind of viewpoint yet. The A happened, and healing is the goal here, not laying blame of some kind.
I knowm, that is why I wrote you should NOT lay the blame.

thanks for all the resposes everyone. Thanks also for listening to my ranting. I never get to do it. I do not rant at my H, and nobody else knows about our situation. so, this is a relief for me. Please bear with my unreasonable spirit at times. I am taking everything in and will sort it all out. Keep in touch, as I will. Thanks again

revelation -

I was exactly like you. I felt like there was nothing left to admire.

However OW saw lots to admire. He did everything for her. She even left her 12 year old daughter to live with my WH. So on they go, admiring each other.

Now her BH and I am left alone.

So you need to figure out if you want him back, or not, and act accordingly.