I'm new here and I'm really struggling. I've been married 7 years to a wonderful man, the love of my life. Last summer I had a brief affair with a close mutual friend. It ended quickly, but we both stayed friends with this person. Big mistake I know, we are no longer in contact with him at all.

My husband found some old e-mail I had sent the other man. This all happened 6 weeks ago. At first I tried to lie and cover up my mess, but I eventually came clean with everything. I cried, begged, pleaded for him to give me a chance to prove how much I love him and how dedicated to saving our marriage I really am. I know I've made a mistake, a mistake I will never make again.

My husband was at a lawyers office starting the divorce process the very next day. He just served me with separation papers last weekend. I asked for time, he refused. He said he gave me time, it took me two weeks to tell him all the details of my affair, and he is still made it took me so long. He is hurt and angy, and his pride was crushed. I understand his actions.

What I want to know is what can I do now. I would really like some advice. I know most people here are dedicated to saving their marriages, and most were not the offenders, but this is good, I want your opinions. Don't worry about being blunt, tell me the truth. The truth is my friend now, I'm done living a lie. Is there anyone her who was in my husbands shoes when they first found out about their spouses affair? Did you eventually try to work things out with you cheating spouse? If so, what changed your mind to save your marriage? Thanks!

LostLG

Your A is so much like mine, my situation could have been exactly like that, but my H forgave me almost instantly.

I'm scared just reading your words. That so could have been me.

What I'm getting at is, I'm feeling your pain. No real advice, just a sincere sorry out to you.

I hope you can make things work.

Welcome to MB
KY

I'm on the other side of your equation, just found out about second affair. The first time, I stuck it out and rebuilt the marriage, foregave her and fell in love again, completely.

We have a son which encouraged me to put my pride aside. I'm glad I did despite uncovering the new affair.

I wasn't in your H's shoes, but I'll offer an idea.

Ask him to visit this site. Ask him specifically to read this post of yours and the responses to it.

We understand his reaction and it's not uncommon. What he may not realize is that there is a silver lining to this cloud - if not a golden one.

He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving your marriage a try before progressing down the divorce path. It won't be easy, but being divorced isn't necessarily any easier - especially if you have kids.

Also, find and print out the Emotional Needs questionaire. Make a copy for you and one for him. Explain that your affair was due to your needs not being met - and acknowledge your faults in not communicating your needs and your suspicion that you weren't meeting his needs either.

Order the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Harley, available in the bookstore on this site and most any on line bookseller. Read them - you'll devour them in one sitting - and then give them to him.

Tell him I'd like to communicate with him via this site. No way was his pain worse than mine, but I and other guys here would be glad to be leaned on.

Finally, read up on Plan A and apply it's principles to your situation. Stop any love busting, angry outbursts, and disrespectful judgements that you might be tempted to use in your frustration.

Do not give up. Be patient and express your desire to create a marriage neither of you dreamed possible. You have now where to go but up.

I am somewhat confused here. You stated that after the affair you and your husband were able to stomach having the OM hang around as a friend. Then you continued to send inappropriate email to the OM after you told your husband that the affair was over and he found some of the emails. Did I get it right? It sounds as though your husband is angry right now, which is a phase that I still struggle with even 2 years after my WW's affair. Tell your husband that you are willing to send the OM a No-Contact letter. Let him help you to write and send it. In this letter, tell the OM that you no longer wish to speak to him and that you love your husband and are committed to rebuilding your marriage. Apologize to your husband repeatedly and be 100% honest with your him, as in don't try to sugar coat anything. It is his perogative to file for diovorce, so you can only hope that he will see your good side, learn to forgive you and work on rebuilding the marriage. Have you suggested seeing a marriage counsellor to your husband?

Thank you all for your replies. They mean so much to me. To answer that last question. My affair happened last summer, and was brief. The other man and I mutually agreed to end it because we both knew how wrong it was, and we both loved my husband and didn't want to continue to hurt him. I make another huge mistake by not telling my husband after the affair was over last summer. The guilt was eating me alive and I ended up going into counseling last fall. I didn't tell my husband then because he was about to move accross the country for a major career change. He had spent several years working towards this goal, and I didn't want to ruin it for him. Meanwhile yet another mistake was keeping in contact with the other man. We were all friends, as if nothing had happened for 6 months before my husband moved away. I though it was all over. The other man and I remained in contact after my husband left, yes another huge problem. The other man recieved orders to Iraq, and all hell broke lose. We agreed it was a mistake to slip up again after 6 months of "being platonic". We both felt terrible for what we had started all over again. We agreed his leaving was the best thing that could possibly happen to my marriage. Mistake number? I still kept in contact with other man and husband still didn't know any of it had ever happened. Other man and I admitted enough was enough and ended it entirely once and for all. Husband found e-mail a few hours later. And the rest well? I am trying to do plan A all by myself, yet he is in plan B I guess. I really screwed up my marrige.

About the counseling...I am in counseling, but it isn't really an option for him since his work schedule is crazy. I sent him the book SAA, and he freaked. I was just trying to help. I wish he would come to this site but I doubt it, at least not yet. He is a very private guy, and yet he seems to be telling everyone we know what I've done. I don't think he would like it if I were writing stuff about our personal life on the web, but I am desperate.

Please Help!

LL,

Maybe if you offered to open up your life to him, ie: passwords, etc and offered to send the OM a no contact letter he would calm down. The no contact letter should state the the affair was a terrible mistake and showed great disrespect to your H. And ask him to NEVER EVER contact you again. That might go a long way in reassuring him and helping him reconsider your marriage.

Are you showing great remorse to him? Are you being 100% honest now with him with no defensiveness?

I really wish you could send him here to us. We could help him.

Oh yeah, here is another twist to my crazy life. My husband and I live 3,000 miles apart and have since January dut to his job change. So any reconciliation will be especilly tough. I had been flying out to visit him monthly, and was supposed to move with him when he relocates yet again in October. He doesn't want any of that now. He served me with separation papers last weekend, he flew 3,000 just to give me the papers. He wants to be divorced by November which really scares me since the healing won't even have begun yet. Please help us!

Here is another difficult aspect of my problem...My husband and I are currently physically separated, he moved accross country in January due to a job change. I was supposed to join hin in October when he will be relocating yet again, but not now. He served me with separation papers last weekend. He flew all the way out here to just give me the papers. He wants our divorce to be final by November. Help!

LL, I would send the no contact letter to the OM and then send it to your H with a long letter expressing your remorse and your plan to restore the marriage. Tell him you do not want to lose him and have made a terrible mistake. Tell him that the OM is not half the man he is, etc, etc. tell him how you feel about him and what you will do to rebuild trust.

That might not bring him right around, but it will sure give him something to think about that might make a difference when he calms down.

See, his anger is temporary, divorce is permanent.

Here are some sample no contact letters:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

LLG,

I posted to you on your other thread, but you said something that confused me. It seems that your and OM restarted the A after he found out about orders to Iraq, is that correct. Further, you two kept in touch and shared feelings, thoughts, and such after the first physical part stopped, you do realize this is called an emotional affair? So in fact, you have been in an affair with OM for most of a year.

I have a feeling you don't really appreciate this, but your H does. Hence he is NOT going to try and address YOUR addictions from 3000 miles away. He is simply going to leave. Makes sense doesn't it?

Go back and read Melody's suggestion to write a no contact letter and make your life an open book. You are dealing with more than you seem willing to admit to yourself much less your H. Until you can face it, put words to it, put action to the words, he will NOT consider taking you back.

LLG, sadly actions have consequences and so far all of your actions have been against your marriage. You have only issued words to your H.

The question is what can you do? I am thinking you need to address the No Contact letter. Compose it, send it to your H, have him read it, even sign it if he wants and then send it to OM. I presume that you have been in contact with OM to let him know that your H now knows and that he is seeking a divorce. You need to cease all contact save this last letter.

Once this is accomplished, I am thinking that you need to go to see your H and talk with him face to face. Emails and phones are OK, but ultimately face to face is best. It will be tough and he may not want to talk with you.

I would strongly suggest you read the posts by "hopeful_person". She just posted today for the first time in awhile. Go read her first posts here. Do you know how to do a search? If not ask. YOu can do it by using her member number that can be found in her post. Then search in the Recovery section and GQ sections. I think her posts are primarily in these two sections.

This is NOT a hopeless situation, but you must admit your H as little reason to continue given that as you said you and he had let the marriage go stale and now you have betrayed him with a good friend of his, and did it with him right there. It was pretty much "in your face" and I suspect you and OM were laughing at him the whole time. It was suggested that this was the case on your other thread and I would bet your H feels that way.

So there is a lot of pride, self-esteem, and just plain feeling like a fool issues on the part of your H. This has to be overcome. It will take time and a lot of thought.

So settle down, get ready for a long road, and some disappointment,but it is possible for this to work out. It will depend on you.

Keep reading and posting, especially the articles here by Harley. You need to understand a lot more about marriages than you seem to right now. It comes with the reading and posting.

God Bless,

JL

....and, building on JL's post, inform and confess to OM's wife, if he's married.

Full disclosure and accountability are paramount. Then, a complete and permanent break from all contact.

WAT

OK, living apart is a really dumb thing to do. I have experience with this and it caused my H to cheat (work was the reason too) . After discovery, we could not live apart. We have tried several times and it's hopeless. (he is away at the moment and I am dwelling on divorce pretty much all the time) A marriage in crisis won't mend at a distance. The relationship is tooooooooo weak for you to be physically apart. If I were you, I'd get on a plane and go to him. Ask your employer for special leave - maybe tell why. Consider chucking your job to prove to your H how important he is.

Your H telling your friends is a bad sign. It is unusual for a spouse to walk out with such determination. Usually there is incredible shock, attachment and addiction to the marriage mate and it's pretty hard to leave - even though you feel you should. So you H is a very hurt, or very strong person. Or he may be attracted to someone else in his new location. Living apart is a really bad thing for married people to do - they just don't understand the dangers.

As a betrayed spouse, I can't help but admire your husband. If more betrayed spouses took this kind of iniative then maybe the reputation that infidelity has, as a bit of fun that the betrayed spouse will get over, would change to something far more realistic. At some level you knew the risk you were taking and you decided you could live with the consequences.
You may be in the small percentage of marriages where the betrayed spouse immediately knows that the marriage is over.

You have tried to tell him how much you love him. All the love he thought you had for him is now seen thru the conceptial lense of you in bed with another man. Actions speak louder than words. I suggest you go to very great lengths to let him see you love him. Get on a plane. Sleep outside his door each nite until he takes note of how determined you are to make him centre of your universe. Oh, and from now on, nothing else matters to you. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of your behavior - eg. sleeping outside his house front door. If you want to make a point then you are going to have to go to extraordinary lengths. If you fail, you will know you gave it your best shot.

Thank you all for your posts. Yes, I am willing to admit my affair was emotional as well as physical. The emotional went on far longer than the physical. I don't know what's worse, but I know they are both equally hurtful. The other man and I ended our affair ourselves, then a few hours later my husband found out. It was surreal, God had to have intervined within a few hours my husband read all my dirty little secrets. There was no way I could contact the OM now. I don't even want to. My husband contacted the OM himself. I was going send the OM one last e-mail to let him know my husband didn't kill me, but that too was avoided when my husband walked in. There has been absolutely no contact since. I feel that is the least I can do for my husband after all I've put him through.

I am doing everything my husband asks, but frankly I don't think he cares. I sent him the SAA book and he freaked, so I'm not sure how he will take the no contact letter. But I guess it is worth a try anyway. I don't even mention the OM's name anymore.

I wish the separation was an option, I asked my husband if I could move there. I even packed up our entire house all by myself and put everything into storage, but he said no...I don't want you here. I think he may be worried about what all his friends will say if I move back there. As for me, I'm way past pride. I am back living with my family. My only hope may be October when he relocates once again for work, but at least all his buddies won't be around.

Here's the major fear...My husband flew out here last weekend to serve me with separation papers. He wants the divorce final in November. HELP! Time is ticking. What can I do to buy some more time to try to prove to him all is not lost even though it sure seems that way to him right now.

Please keep your posts coming. I appreciate you all for your wisdom.

Maybe let him read this thread?

Like another post said, I have to wonder why he is willing to end the marriage without a fight? He doesn't want you to live with him either. Could he have a "dirty little secret" of his own?

No, I'm sure he doesn't have any secrets...Like I said, he's a wonderful man.

Why end the marriage so fast? Hurt, pride, anger...I have sent his entire world crashing to the floor. He can't see how he can ever trust me again...and in his line of wrk he has to trust me, as he will continue to travel in the future (6 months plus sometimes), so he must be able to trust me fully. He used to...But look what I've done.

I wish he could read this. These are all things I've said to him, but they are just words I know. How can I show him with 3,000 miles between us? He checks my e-mail, and that's cool, he knows I'm not e-mailing the OM, etc.

I sent him the SAA book, and a few articles and he freaked. So, I won't be sending anymore lierature...I thought I was helping...

I wish he could talk to some of you guys, maybe in time. You are awonderful support for me. My poor husband has no pro-marriage support I don't think. I think everyone is telling him to leave me ASAP.

He says he still loves me, but can't think of one reason not to divorce me...At least he still loves me, even though I don't deserve it one bit.

Thanks...I will never lose hope! I love my husband too much. I will go to the ends of the earth to prove my love to him. Time and patience!

"He says he still loves me, but can't think of one reason not to divorce me...At least he still loves me, even though I don't deserve it one bit."

The fact that he still loves you is reason enough in my book.

LL - I am in a similar situation to your husband, except that I caught my wife before it got to physical, I caught her kissing the OP late early one morning. I can tell you, even though my wifes was an EA, I to was disgusted with her, so I don't want to imagine what your husband must have felt like about the physical side of the A. Having said that what's done is done. Also like your husband, my WS kept an SMS relationship going for several weeks, until I tricked her into admitting it. I know there is a good chance that she is still SMS'ing him, and this really is hurting me as I can't understand hgow she could love me and keep it alive. To me this secret relationship is probably worse than the original act. I too have started the litigation process, partly to drive home the importance of the WS's actions, and partly because of the fact that I wanted to take care of this aspect whilst we were still civil to each other. Maybe this will help provide some insight into your spouses feeling / actions.

At this point I feel it would be a moral decision to sign his separation papers. As much as I don't want to be divorced by November. I feel I should give him what he asks. What do you guys think? I am desperate. He won't stop moving forward, but I'm not ready to give up, maybe I should?