LLG,

You should read about 'radical honesty' and Harley's other policy of Joint Agreement in the articles here so that you understand them.

I think you will see what you plan is as you address yourself and see things differently. So do your homework.

As for going, call him and ask him, tell him you want to see him and talk with him. See what he says.

Must go, God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL...I am in the process of re-reading all Harley"s stuff. The further out of the fog the clearer it all seems. When I was still in withdrawls I read it all, but only a little sunk in.

But it's working...I am gaining new perspective everyday. I can see the patterns now...I can see how key to recovery those patterns are. My husband wants a guarantee this won't happen again...I am carefully analyzing the patterns...what lead up to my affair, etc. I know where I went wrong. I know my plan has to include a way to combat that. We both need to have our emotional needs met. That is just the beginning.

I have also been reading the posts you write to BV. They help me too. Remind me how far I've come...dispite the long road ahead. I felt the way she does a while ago, but my perspective is changing, and I can see those changes. Someday I hope my hubby will too. It's "no longer all about ME..it's about HIM and US"!!! Huge change in perspective!

Thanks!

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 12:46 AM: Message edited by: lostnlonelygirl ]</small>

Is time really on my side? I have always been impatient, I guess now is as good a time as any to learn to be more patient.

I have been hard at work, and actually seeing changes in my perspective which is extrodinary!

It is hard not to get down though...my husbands calls on Monday were so encouraging...Now 3 full days with out him returning my calls or e-mails. I have been trying to keep it to a minimal, 1 call and/or 1 e-mail a day.

Maybe that's too much...Maybe he needs more space? Argh, I'm frustrated. I know he is too.

Where do I go from here?

I want to be sure I am giving him the time and space he needs, yet I want him to know I'm here for him too. This is a delicate balance which is really difficult.

I just keep reminding myself it's about him now!

Any advice JL???

I think I will ask him about the visit next time I talk to him. The worst he can say is no, right?

Thanks!

JL,

I just went back and re-read all your previous posts...you have already given me all the asnswers I just asked for. Sorry I am so slow to catch on. Those questions have really helped me focus in the direction I need to be heading. Thank you. I am continually being molded into the wife I need to be...thank you for everything.

P.S. I will post the anwers to those questions as soon as I feel I have a handle on them. Hopefully I will get that done over the weekend. Thanks for being patient with the impatient girl!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The hightlight of my day...My husband call me after he got off work today just to talk about his day! It is amazing how the little day to day stuff can bring you so much joy. His sharing his day with me was a gift to be treasured. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I'm glad I had a chance to come here tonight and see this good news.

Please, please don't give up. I was always impatient. I had to wait for YEARS for my husband to show interest in me. It was the hardest thing I've had to go through, ever.

It's a good sign he called you just to talk. Mine never did that, by the way, and we're married again--as you know. It's a good sign he called you, yes!

Please, please be patient. Your H is watching you, whether you know it or not. Reassure him constantly that you love him, and you are not wanting anyone else.

You must be in this for the long haul. He may pull back, and then extend himself again. I went through that for MONTHS, even years. Please know you're in my prayers.

Take care,
Hopeful

Hopeful_person,

Don't worry, I'm not giving up, I am in this for the long haul. Your story contiues to be an inspiration for me. You and you husband have been down quite a long winding road. It is truly amazing!

Well, I am trying not to let my spirits get down...I talked to him 4 times last weekend, now nothing all week...I know he was busy, so hopefully he will call this weekend. I have to be patient. I know time really is on my side.

Thank you so much hopeful person...You are an inspriation to us all! Take Care!

Okay fellow Marriage Busters, I am in need of a little encouragement. My phone calls with the hubby last weekend went pretty well, the best yet...now, I have not heard from him all week. I keep telling myself he's just been busy, but I don't know. I have called and e-mailed him everyday. Just light stuff, nothing too heavy. Maybe this is too much, maybe he is feeling smothered my by "controlling and manipulitive" ways. So, I really don't know what to do now, other than try to sit tight. I know this all won't happen over night, but it there anything I can do to speed it up a little? I feel like I'm riding a trutle, and he has stopped for a nap. Help! Advice please?

Well, the call I had been waiting for finally came. It was not good, cold and distant. All he wants to talk about are his papers, finances,etc. He wants them and he wants them now. He says he will get the divorse ASAP. That's all he can say now. He sees no chance of reconciliation ever. There is nothing I can do to make him want to reconclie. He said no on the visit. He doesn't want to see me anytime soon.

About that no-contact letter. He said what I do with whom is my bussiness, and he doesn't care about any of it.

He said my affair was just the tip of the ice berg. He gave me 8 years, and I essentially gave him nothing in return. He is right! I was not a good wife, I was not the wife he deserved. Now he just wants to get away as quick as possible.

LLG,

Look. We have given you the advice on taking care of you and finding out who you are and what you want. But I also know that your husband's phonecall is not easily ignored. So, what to do with it?

HHhmmmmm?!?! I'm thinking.

Okay, if you look back at my posts to you, I told you what your husband is going thru. And since you are not there, and he is dealing with this alone (or with his buddies and family), you really cannot win that battle.

I noticed you just put another thread on here about how to get your husband here. Well, you arent going to be able to. Not yet.

He needs to understand where he is. I'll tell you this...even a year and a half into recovery, I sometimes still wonder if I made the right choice. If it wouldnt have been easier just to chuck it all and get someone that I deserve, someone I can trust.

But right now it is fresh for him. He is living that feeling every minute of everyday. He looks at the wife you have been, and looks at the A...and wonders why it is even worth it. Well, I can tell you both it is worth it. Even if my wife comes home and says she wants to leave again, this has all been worth it.

One quote I like from Dr. Phil is that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. Your husband can run. But, if he does...it will be he that suffers later. He doesnt know that yet. But it will haunt him for a long time.

Now, he is thinking that THIS will haunt him. And it will somewhat...for awhile. But the loss of his marriage, the distrust, the lack of a good wife for so many years, will bleed over into new relationships. He wont have the answers he needs about marriage, even about himself, that will allow him to move on and be healthy and have a great relationship with someone else. This is what is called...earning your way out of the marriage.

You see, my wife said she had the affair because while I was deployed, she had decided the marriage was over. The problem was, the marriage wasnt done with her. She hadnt earned her way out. Now, look at the mess she has made. But even more importantly, look at the mess inside herself she has made (I hope to have my update posted tonight and you will see what I am talking about).

Your husband doesnt understand. That is why he MUST see a good, Christian counselor, one who has experience in this area. Not for the marriage. Not for you. For himself.

Like I told you before, I am willing to email, talk, whatever with him. But dont think that I am initially just going to tell him that he has to take you back. Even the Bible doesnt say that.

What I would tell him is that he has to earn his way out. He has to slow down, get some help. He has to get everything out on the table, and exhaust all possibilities. So, at the end of the day, if he decides to leave...he will know that it was the right choice.

But, someone has to help him see that. YOU CANNOT DO THAT, THOUGH!!! It is going to take someone here, or a counselor...or him reading these posts (maybe you can print and mail them to him...mail him my threads from what happened with me and my wife). Or reading Harley's books.

He is a military man. He has to be told that he doesnt have all of the intel yet...and he is already making decisions.

And in the end, maybe he is right. Maybe to him, it is just too much to even think that he is going to continue with you. The one "out card" the Bible gives is for adultery. So to God, he can just chuck it...and God is okay with it.

But there is a different path. One of forgiveness, one of obedience. It is path that he doesnt see yet. At the end of that path are blessings he will never get going the easy route. It may not be you at the end. But maybe it will be. Right now, it isnt your choice. Your choice was made when you slept with the OM. This marriage now turns on him, and his decisions.

But if he takes the tough path, finds his way, finds his answers...then in the end, he will KNOW what to do.

So, this situation will only get worse until someone is able to sit him down and show him that he doesnt have all the info. And he may be making the biggest mistake of his life. And the worst thing is, he will NEVER know if he truly made the right decision to leave. Instead, if he had earned his way out, he would never have a doubt.

That is why I say that if my wife came home tonight and said it was over, I would have no problem this time walking away. I have earned my marriage. I have also earned my way out.

I can look my kids, my friends, and my Maker in the eyes, and they will know that I did the best I could. And the end of the marriage rests on my wife...not on me.

So, you need to figure out what to do. Mail him the books (Surviving an Affair to start). Copy some of these posts and email them to him. Or mail them. Get him in to see a counselor, or phone counseling with Steve Harley. Email him and tell him to email me (Mortar29@Yahoo.com). Tell him I was in his shoes...entirely.

Do something. Because this will not go on much longer. Time is pressing him to do this. And he doesnt have the information to see any other way. Or to see that no matter what the right answer is, if he doesnt do it the right way, he will hurt himself more than you have done.

You know him best. Do something. Even if initially it makes him mad, or he doesnt want the info. Just keep pushing it. I did that with my wife. Thought she was just throwing it away, or deleting emails. But later, as we talked after she came home, she talked about how this person's posts were wrong, or how that person's posts were right on.

You must lay seed now. But you cant make it grow.

In His arms.

Motarman,

Thank you...you have no idea hoe badly I needed that post right now. It truly looks like my husband has given up already.

I am busy working on myself, and to be honest I agree with him. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be feeling the same way he is. When asking the question about why he should stay with me? This is really difficult, but I see now why he wants to leave.

JL was right. He looks at our marriage, and sees 8 wasted years. I have not been a good wife, he deserves much much better. I took him for granted all those years. He is a wonderful husband, and I treated him like dirt. I see why he wants to leave. Who would blame him...my affair was just the tip of the iceberg...He is 100% right! I can't believe he didn't leave me sooner.

I am commited to doing this work though, it has to be done. Husband, or no husband, I have to get my self right with the Lord again first and foremost. I am dilgently seeking His will...for the first time in a long time. My husbands faith suffered too these past few years.

I e-mailed him all your posts to me (not your personal thread, but I should), a while ago, with your e-mail address. I left it up to him to contact you, I feel that is all I can do. I just sent him your last post as well. All I can do is pray God will open his heart. I sent him SAA a month ago, as well as some articles fron Harley. He got upset with me. I think he thought I was trying to blame him, or be controlling or manipulitive (I have a history of that, so I understand). I told him I was just trying to help. That a Pastor he knows and likes recommended the book and this site. Marriage Builders also helped save a friends marriage. But he has made his decision, and I don't know what else I can do, but I will not stop.

I am confident that by the grace of God, and a lot of hard work, I can be the wife I was created to be for him. I just hope he sticks around long enough to see it.

Thank you Mortarman, you have helped me more than you'll ever know. I am growing each and everyday!

Please let me know if you hear from him. I also directed him here, but I doubt he will come. Maybe just to check up on me...he won't be happy about me airing dirty laundry, but my marriage is in crisis, and I felt like I had no other option.

Thanks for everything. Please Pray for my Husband and I.

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: lostnlonelygirl ]</small>

Mortarman,
Back to the papers...I read in one of your old posts that the thing you had a hard time with was the wording (about reconciliation not being possible). That is exactly where I am hung up too. I want to sign just to make my husband happy. I think he knows I don't want a divorce. I just want him to slow down. I don't want to fight him, or cause him anymore hust than I already have, so I would rather submit to his wishes legally. I think that is the least I can do. I also don't want to help him divorce me either. I completely agree with your statement about earning your way out of a marriage. If he is at least willing to carefully weigh all his options, and give himself time to think this over, I will gladly go along with the divorce then. I want what is best for him. But in all honsety, I don't believe his current actions have been well thought through. I may not be the wife for him, I sur have not been for quite some time, but you are right about him needing to heavily weight all courses of action, he only sees one course now.

It's not that I want anyone to tell him he should take me back...I am not worthy of that yet. I am just beginning to get my own life straightened out. But I am heading in the right direction, I will become a better person for myself first. But my husband seems to have made his decision, so I will just keep plugging away at myself. I will continue to be in plan A...indefinately! I amde this mess, now I need to dig myself out. I continue to pray for my husbands healing...he is really hurting, and I know that is the couse of his quick actions.


When answering the questions JL asked me, I realized he was right on...my husband sees a marriage he doesn't really want to go back to, and I don't blame him...I don't want to go back to the way we were either. I think we can make it better...a lot better. I know it starts with me. I was the cause of my own unhappiness, and I am working hard to remedy that. My husband has just completly shut out the idea of reconciliation...and frankly, I can see why. So, I will keep on working. At least I am beginning to be able to recognize the face that I see in the mirror again.

Thanks for everything. Take care.

P.S. About the contact thing. I'm leaving short messages and e-mailing once a day, trying to keep it light, and communication open. I don't want to smother him, but I want him to know I'm thinking of him. Do I need to alter this, or keep it up until he says something about it?

LLG,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mortarman,
Back to the papers...I read in one of your old posts that the thing you had a hard time with was the wording (about reconciliation not being possible). That is exactly where I am hung up too. I want to sign just to make my husband happy. I think he knows I don't want a divorce. I just want him to slow down.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then dont sign. No better way to slow it down then to not sign.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to fight him, or cause him anymore hust than I already have, so I would rather submit to his wishes legally.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that is fine. but if you submit, you are helping to end your marriage. You want that??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is the least I can do. I also don't want to help him divorce me either. I completely agree with your statement about earning your way out of a marriage. If he is at least willing to carefully weigh all his options, and give himself time to think this over, I will gladly go along with the divorce then. I want what is best for him. But in all honsety, I don't believe his current actions have been well thought through. I may not be the wife for him, I sur have not been for quite some time, but you are right about him needing to heavily weight all courses of action, he only sees one course now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And there is NOTHING you can do about that. Except answer those questions posed to you and figure out what this all means for you. So you will be ready when your opportunity comes to reconcile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not that I want anyone to tell him he should take me back...I am not worthy of that yet. I am just beginning to get my own life straightened out. But I am heading in the right direction, I will become a better person for myself first.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All well and good. But making yourself a better person doesnt address the issues that led to all of this. It doesnt tell you what it means to be a wife, to have a marriage. A lot of people want to treat marriage as something like boyfriend and girlfriend, but with paperwork. This is so off based. You need to figure out what marriage IS before you can truly understand where you and your husband fell apart. Once you figure that out, then you will know (and he will know) whether this marriage is salvagable. But you know what? Almost everyone that goes down this road, the one where they try to answer the question of "what is marriage" almost always ends up staying in the marriage. And finding a new future together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But my husband seems to have made his decision, so I will just keep plugging away at myself. I will continue to be in plan A...indefinately!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There will be a time for that to change...but good for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I amde this mess, now I need to dig myself out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a Christian, you know that you cant dig yourself out. You dont have the ability to do that. But the Lord does. Look to Him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I continue to pray for my husbands healing...he is really hurting, and I know that is the couse of his quick actions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have no idea. WSs really only have an inkling of what it is like to be the BS (just as we BSs dont fully understand the WS). But the Lord knows.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When answering the questions JL asked me, I realized he was right on...my husband sees a marriage he doesn't really want to go back to, and I don't blame him...I don't want to go back to the way we were either.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correct. That marriage is dead. And really, who would want that marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we can make it better...a lot better. I know it starts with me. I was the cause of my own unhappiness, and I am working hard to remedy that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It isnt about being happy. It is about commitment. That is what the emotional needs are. That is what Harley tooks about with love busters. Your commitment to being the spouse that your husband deserves, regardless of your happiness, whether or not your needs are met. This is a picture of Jesus. Jesus expects you to submit, to respect your husband, to meet his needs REGARDLESS of whether or not he is loving you as Christ loved the Church. In Ephesians, these are the things the Lord expects in a marriage. But He expects each of us to meet our obligations, our commitments...regardless of what the other does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband has just completly shut out the idea of reconciliation...and frankly, I can see why.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you read my old threads? How many times did JL have to come on here and say "Mortarman, it looks bleak right now. But you do not know what tomorrow brings." This is where you trust the Lord. This is where you trust those that tell you here, that have been where you are, or where your husband is, to show you the experiences and the path. Of course he cant see it yet. But you cant show it to him.

My pastor today talked about the Lord lighting our path. When the Scripture talked about that, it wasnt refering to some light that can light up the whole forest. It was talking about a light, a lamp...dimly lit by a candle. One where it would light just out to your front, just enough to show your next step. That is what the Lord does. Stop trying to see six months down the road. See what the Lord has for you TODAY and tomorrow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, I will keep on working. At least I am beginning to be able to recognize the face that I see in the mirror again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is good. But you must still begin by figuring out what marriage is, what your role in it is supposed to be. And how you both got so off based. That is where to start.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for everything. Take care.

P.S. About the contact thing. I'm leaving short messages and e-mailing once a day, trying to keep it light, and communication open. I don't want to smother him, but I want him to know I'm thinking of him. Do I need to alter this, or keep it up until he says something about it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said before, you are still his wife. This is fine. He may say he doesnt like it. But understand, it is those messages that keep you in his thoughts. it is those words that he remembers as he moves one day away from the past. Eventually, the awful past will be a blur, and all he will remember is what he sees today.

In His arms.

LLG,

There seems to be a few things you are leaving out here, specificaly 2 other perps in the last 2 years. Sure, just kissing with one of the other 2, but it still makes for a total of 3 perps in 2 years.(In case you can't tell, I don't know all of these initials yet.) To top things off, I have to find out about all of this by reading E-mails you've written, kinda the equivalant of walking into the bedroom. Let's not forget that during the 2 years of your unfaithfullness, I was jumping through hoops trying to develope my self and career into what you were looking for so that we could start a family, something you wouldn't give me until things were just so.
So now you go onto this web posting thing and inaccuratley try to depict what is going on to a bunch of strangers so that you feel better. Maybe you should start by being honest. Not only to them, not only to me, but also to yourself.

And another thing, to those of you who would suggest my infedility, you don't know me. Don't try to pretend that you do.

Another thing,

Just read advise about our separation and the division of material assetts and pension. I worked for 7 years full time and completed my BS degree. During this time period I almost completely supported her and paid for her college. I also told her that I would pay off all the bills, she can have and pay off the rest of her vehicle, have over 3/4 of all our shared property(most of it is nick nacks and household stuff that I thought she was buying too much of in the first place). The only thing I want out of all this is MY pension that I'VE worked for. Nothing else I worked for during this marriage seemed to pan out, the least I deserve is a clean break and my pension.

Once again, be careful of the advice that is doled out like soup at the kitchen. The advise seems to be generic and does not seem to take both sides into account. The only thing that this advise seems to be doing is to make it harder for me to move on and eventialy find some happiness.

Yo Pete - do you want to save your marriage or not?

Originally posted by JustPete:

Are you someone's husband??? hmmmmmm

There seems to be a few things you are leaving out here, specificaly 2 other perps in the last 2 years. Sure, just kissing with one of the other 2, but it still makes for a total of 3 perps in 2 years.

Hi pete... are you perhaps acquainted with LLG?

This is interesting.

Pep

bump. I am soooo curious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi Pete,

From your recent mails here on MB, I guess I can assume that you are Lost's husband. I'm very glad that you were able to find this site and I can very much understand your pain. I don't know you or your wife, but I understand the pain of infidelity and I know how much you are hurting. Sometimes it seems easier to just end it all and start fresh someday with someone else, without all of the baggage etc. I've gotten lots of this advice and often it seemed like the logical thing to do. Why put myself through more lies, pain etc. I'm still young, unattached and I could start over again. But you know, this could happen in a new relationship/marriage as well. It could happen again, unless I learn from MY mistakes and I learn more about relationships etc.

My own marriage is going through recovery right now and it is not easy. I would be lying if I told you that it is and there have been times when I have wondered if I made the right decision, but I know that I did because I love my husband and I want to stay his wife. He is not perfect and neither am I and because I still love him so much, I have decided to try at US one more time. I think that we have learned a lot throughout all of this and we have grown a lot, heck we have basically grown up together (I was 20 when we got married).

If you still love your wife very much, then I would encourage you to try again, even just once. Family, friends etc. may tell you different, but they are NOT you and they won't be able to save you from pain either.

Nobody here wants to make things harder for you or prevent you from moving on and finding happiness again. This is all we want for you and Lost, preferably together. But I know that it is not always possible.

You sound like a great person and I wish nothing but the best for you and Lost in whatever decision you will make for the future of your lives.

Kati

Pete,

One thing that I have learned is that two people always contribute to the state of the marriage. Now this does not excuse infidelity, whether it is emotional infidelity, kissing or a full blown extramarital affair, but it is rarely just the fault of ONE person. This was extremely difficult for me to accept, but I felt a whole lot better once I started being honest with myself about the state of my marriage. This does not mean that YOU should blame yourself in any way for Lost's A because nobody deserves infidelity, no matter in what state the marriage is in. This was solely Lost's decision and she needs to carry this burden. I'm not sure what you mean about the other two perps; it would certainly help if Lost would explain to us or at least you.

I don't think anyone here would even suggest that you were cheating on your wife and I'm sure the posted who suggested this in a previous email has been instructed that this is clearly not the case. Nobody here is trying to blame YOU for Lost's A. Once again, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. And you did nothing to deserve this. But your marriage must have not been in a very good shape for this to have happened and generally both wife and husband contribute to the state of the marriage. Sometimes it is very hard for us betrayed spouses to accept that we, too, have contributed to the sad state of our marriage and it hurts to hear about our shortcomings and mistakes, but we can learn from it and make it better.

Take care!

Kati

JustPete is my husband. His posts are right on, everything he's saying is the truth. As I said before, he is a wonderful man, and the closest to a perfect husband anyone could expect. It was me that was unfaithful more than once. He has never been unfaithful ever.

To clear up what he is saying about the other 2 perps, he is right. I didn't mention it earlier, because I too am just coming to terms with what I've done. It is difficult to admit you have betrayed the man you love more than once.

The first OM was 2 years ago. We had a very brief EA/PA. I ended it, and never told my husband. This was the beginning of a terrible nightmare for me. I was ruined. I was a virgin when I met my husband and now I was ruined. It was a horrific feeling, a whole was being eaten in my heart. I could not tell my husband what I did...I was afraid and stupid. This OM meant nothing, and I felt like a fool. I tried to just move on, but the guilt was eating me, and the lies and deception were killing our marriage. So I kept quiet.

A few months later I went to a work function with co-workers. 2 males, and 1 female. All but one of the males were married. After we went to the function the single male drove us all home. He asked if he could come in for awhile to sober up before he drove home. I said yes...big mistake. I had also had a couple of drinks, I don't drink a lot, and when I do, it doesn't take much. We just sat and talked. I know it was wrong to even be doing that, I'm a married woman. But I was not thinking clearly at all. He mad e a few passes at me, which I declined. He was in no shape to drive, so I told him he could sleep on the couch. I slept in my bedroom with the door locked. Yes, locked! I was shocked and scared by my coworker. I realized I had gotten myself in a situation I never should have been in. There was absolutely NO PHYSICAL CONTACT EVER. NOT EVEN KISSING!!! I don't expect my husband to believe this, after all the lies and deception. but that is the truth. My co-worker and I discussed this issue at work, and all was settled. I told him I wan not interested then and I never would be. That was the end. But I never told my husband, big problem.

Then can the EA/PA I talk about here. It was the real winner!!! It all began because of those other two incidents. OM was a close friend of ours. The guilt was eating away at me. I couldn't take it. My husband was a wonderful man whay what had I done? I confided in this "Friend". I told him what I had done, and how lost I was. All the lies and deception kept eating at me, and I caved once again. I began an EA 6 months later. Followed by a brief PA. Broke it off entirely for 7 months (no EA no PA), at this point I began IC. I was a mess, and couldn't tell my husband what I had done, because he was about ready to move across the country for a major job promotion. I made another big mistake by keeping in contact with OM. PA started again, (very very brief) followed by EA again. It was an extreemly tangled web I wove.

My husband found out about EA with his friend by reading e-mails. I was earlier on this very day the OM nad I had finally realized we had to break all contact once and for all. I was addicted to him, and he was like a drug to me. I could not take the double life any longer. Thus I do believe it was devine intervention. I was addicted, and if my husband had not found the e-mails I may have gave into my addiction once again. The very next day I went to an internet cafe to e-mail OM, tell him I was okay, that Pete knows, and not to contact me anymore ever. Devine intervention stepped in once again before I could even type a message. My husband walked in. I feel this was God being very clear to me that No Contact should be made with OM ever again. And I listened finally.

I did not disclose the details about my affairs to my husband because I was scared. Scared to hurt him, and scared he would leave me like I deserved. I would do the same if the shoe were on the other foot. It took me two weeks to fully disclose everything to my husband about all my infidelities. Even then, he had to pull it out of me. I know how damaging that has been, I made a horrific situation even worse. I know all of that now, and a whole lot more than I did then.

My husband is in a very elite school, and this was the last thing he needed to deal with. In my twisted sick little brain, I felt that if I could just wait till after this school, it would better. I know I was wrong. I was trying to protect him. I know it was too late for that.

As far as the financial situation, my husband is completly right. He supported me all the while I was going to school, and he has always given me everything I have ever wanted. He deserves to make a clean break with his finances in tact. He should never have to pay monitarily for my mistakes.

Does he want to save our marriage? I will let him answer that himself, but I think after all I've done it is pretty clear he just wants out, and who would blame him.

I am sorry I posted this things about our personal life here on the web. I knew it would make you angry, but I felt I had no other choice. I needed people to talk with that understood your position. I am sorry I left out important details. No one here is balming you for anything. I am taking the Full Blame here. I told you about my posts here because I am trying to open up my life to you again. I felt it would not be right for me to continue to post without you being aware of it. I will stop posting if it is your wish. I am sorry I upset you.