Originally posted by lostnlonelygirl:
JustPete is my husband.
To clear up what he is saying about the other 2 perps, he is right. I didn't mention it earlier, because I too am just coming to terms with what I've done. It is difficult to admit you have betrayed the man you love more than once.

I was wondering...

Have you ever given thought to the fact that you betrayed yourself as well?

To thine own self be true.

If you stop the self-betrayal, good things will follow.

Telling lies of ommision is one way to betray yourself.

If you make an error in life, everyone will understand.

If you repeat the same error over and over, and then lie about it, many people will need to protect themselves from you.

Only you can make something better out of your life. (with God's grace, of course)

Start fixing the hurt you've done to yourself.

Then, see what opportunities come your way.

Pep

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,
You are right! I have lied to myself for so long...2 years now! It is really difficult to come out of the fog and come face to face with what you have done. I have noe excues for my omissions...just shame. I am so ashamed of myself and all the hurt I have caused. I know if I could have just come clean with my husband after the first betrayal, none of the others would have followed. I couls have saved my self and my husband a lot of pain, lies and deception. I was not able to face the truth then, and it's still really hard now. I feel so much better now that my husband knows the whole truth, yet worse at the same time. I am no longer living a lie, and I have told him everything. But now he has to hurt. I know I was hurting him all along, even before my infidelities. I just want to stop hurting him. So that is why I think he may be right. I have just done too much damage...he is doing the right thing by seeking divorce. Too little , Too late.
If only I would have woken up sooner and protected my husband from this pain and repeated betrayal. When I met my husband I thought he was my perfect gift from God. Look at how I treated my perfect gift! He is right for wanting out. I don't blame him. Even if I change...I cannot take away the past. What's done is done...now I have to live with the consequences, and just let my husband move on to find the happiness he deserves

As I have written before, this is going to be the lesson of your life.

It can at least have a "positive" outcome if you decide to work on yourself and grow.............
This will be for yourself and only for yourself because the pain it has caused your husband will be a "everlasting" scar. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It's so sad that we sometimes have to loose something in order to realize how "precious and unique" it is. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I still wish you and your husband the best in your lives, no matter what he might decide to do, it will always be "his" choice.
I takes "great power and strength" to "recover" and cope with this situation but it is possible to "create a beautiful" relationship, even if it is "infidelity tainted" but not everyone can do it.

I must admit, I'd have a very hard time to cope with 3xinfidelity, I'd even say that I probably wouldn't be able to "cope" with a situation like that.
I haven't been in the situation but 1x is enough for me. I can feel the great pain your husband is going through and "moving on" is probably the best way to deal with this.
I'm sorry that I have no words of encouragement.

Well there is no need for me to add any more to this. I don't think it would help any. Leave the decision up to your husband. He needs to do what he needs for himself.

I too met my husband whenI was young. I was 14 and he was 17. I share "great" history with him and I have so many "warm & tender" experiences that I can look back at. No trust issues and no affairs except for one.

This almost broke me and yet due to the fact that I have so many fond memories that "build me up" I found the strength to "recover" and cope with this. But if I had to look back at "multiple affairs" (even if it was kissing or not) I don't think I'd have it within myself to ever find the level of "trust" that I would need to go on with my marriage.

So I'd sadly say: Once, Twice........You're OUT!!

This is only my opinion so I hope others will not jump on me.

take care
bb

No matter how many men you have kissed or how many affairs you have had...YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN...

If us humans cannot forgive someone with a REPENTENT heart, does that mean we think we are better than God?
As He forgives EVERY sin ever committed and blots it out as if it had never happened. (If we ask and repent.)

Pete, evidently your wife was searching for romance, love and affection outside your marriage....What she found was the grass was NOT greener on the other side...She is sorry and wants her first love, her husband....YOU.

I think it is worth a try to just FORGIVE....never bring this subject up again and go on with your lives the best you can.

Grow old together...of course this time in your lives can never be totally forgotten but it can be placed on a far back burner of your minds.

We always have a choice: whether to forgive, whether to treat others with mercy, whether to have joy in our hearts, whether to smile often each day...all of life is CHOICES.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
<strong> No matter how many men you have kissed or how many affairs you have had...YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN...

If us humans cannot forgive someone with a REPENTENT heart, does that mean we think we are better than God?
As He forgives EVERY sin ever committed and blots it out as if it had never happened. (If we ask and repent.)

Pete, evidently your wife was searching for romance, love and affection outside your marriage....What she found was the grass was NOT greener on the other side...She is sorry and wants her first love, her husband....YOU.


Grow old together...of course this time in your lives can never be totally forgotten but it can be placed on a far back burner of your minds.

We always have a choice: whether to forgive, whether to treat others with mercy, whether to have joy in our hearts, whether to smile often each day...all of life is CHOICES.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there are times when we have to accept someones choice whether they want to "move on or move out".
This is the BS choice when the affair comes out in the open. He can decide for himself whether he wants to or not.

From what I have read, it is very clear that JustPete does not want to.

This is his choice and it has nothing to do with being able to forgive or not.

If you think it's worth it, that is your choice but I don't think it is up to "us" to convince anyone what they should do.

Remember, "JustPete" is human and not God, therefore only he knows what he can cope with or not.

I am not trying to disencourage anyone here. I am just seeing "reality" as it is. Recovery is a very long and lumpy road.............

Those that choose this road are usually not aware how difficult it is. Both sides have to want it with all their heart.

I am not saying that the "pain" will go away when someone doesn't want to "go through this. The pain will take years until it "calms down" and there will probably always be problems when it comes to trusting.

But if someone decides that they "want out of the marriage" due to their partners affair, it's a choice that "must" be accepted.
The WS made their choice the minute they entered the affair.

I think it is worth a try to just FORGIVE....never bring this subject up again and go on with your lives the best you can.

You can't just simply "try this" and move on. It doesn't work that way!!!!! If it was that simple, why would we all be here?

If this came over to you as rude, then I'm sorry. I'm only expressing my feelings and I'm giving you "total honesty". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Not rude at all, Blondblossom.
We are all just expressing our feelings and what makes US each tick!

Everyone is different and each of us copes with life's traumatic difficulites and problems; differently.

Love, Julie

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Blond,

I agree that here at MB we should not try to convince or talk people into something that they may not want at all, however as you probably know as well, when an A is first discovered things can get crazy real fast and one should never make a decision until they can think a lot clearer. I do agree that three affairs are a lot to take for a person because it could be a sign of a serial cheater and it is a lot harder to regain trust in such a case. Lost also mentioned in one of her previous emails that she lives in CA and her husband lives in VA. It is very very difficult to work on a marriage if your are not together. So, if they would indeed like to work through this, he or she would have to come up with a solution so that they can be together again.

I also do not agree with the previous posters statement to just try to forgive, never bring the subject up again and just move on. This just isn't possible because it would most certainly lead to a repeat performance. One has to work through the dirt to get to the flowers. And it's hard work. Filing for a divorce hastingly can be a regret later on, but sometimes there is just no other way if the WS has caused too much pain. In this case, I would still encourage JustPete to find out what role HE played in the destruction of the marriage because this could certainly happen in his next relationship again unless he figures out what led to all of this mess.

Just some thoughts...

Kati

BTW, Blond. I like what you wrote in your signature line...

I'm happy that I didn't just "give up" because I wouldn't of experienced how great we are "together" in a more mature manner.

Love
Kati

My husband's affair ended over a year ago.

For MANY MONTHS we talked and talked about it; had many sessions with our pastor.

However, there comes a time to just LET IT GO and stop muck-raking the past...Otherwise, it will stay on a front burner continually and only cause love busters in our marriages if we keep bringing it up and pointing out how 'bad' they were.

Anyway, in our marriage, I no longer talk about it...I just love him to pieces and in turn he gives me the love and affection that I need.
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Lost.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I really wanted to post to you.

I have learned so much since my A here at MB. I have also had to face myself. That can be pretty scary.

You are getting excellent input. Please listen. I only had one A, but it might as well have been more. You see, I went back a couple times after telling my H.

I am more than fortunate that H decided to stay. Even if your H cannot do that right now, please face yourself Lost. I am not saying you are not. You just sound exactly like I have sounded.

Make sure you are ready to move on. Make sure you look at what drove you to do what you did.

Was it a neediness for attention? I don't know at all. I just know I am seeing what was in me.

Fix it Lost, let God help you.

I don't want you to have to go through this same thing again one day. I am saying this to myself probably more than you.

My brother lost his first marriage when he got into an A.

When I confided in my brother, he lost it. He cried and reminded me of what he went through.

The only advice I have comes from him. I don't know what your H will do, but you can decide to start new today.

My brother told me not to leave. I was questioning if I could stay, even though I had this H willing to work things out.

He told me the regret he lives with. NOt only the A, but knowing he did not do his best to repair things. His W would not allow it either.

He pretty much said to me, work through this. Ask forgiveness. Be the best d@mn wife you can. If you don't, it will eat at you forever. You owe H and yourself that much. Then if H does leave you, you will know you did your best and accept that. If you just give up, H will move on, but you may never be able to.

That was from his experience, but it made sense to me. I chose to hurt my M, now it is up to me to offer love to my H.

Your situation is different. All I want for you is for you to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see.

It will take me a while, but I want you to have what you need to be whole.

I am not making much sense, but just know I hear so many similarities in your posts. If frightens me a little.

I want the best for you. Maybe your H will come around in time. My H was hurt beyond belief when he realized I had gone back again and again. I don't think I could have stayed. Be patient. He is in tremendous pain.

Hugs to you. I really want the best for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pam

LnLG

I am sorry to hear you are in this predicament.

Unfortunately, I also left my W after her A.

Foregiveness is not an entitlement. He is not obliged to have to forgive you.

Sometimes, it is because we are too flawed in our own selves to forgive. Sometimes, it is because some things cross the line, and cannot be forgiven.

We are only human, too. We have our limits.

Having suffered through more than one of your As, your H is understandably at his limit.

It's not just the As; it's also the "opportunity cost". The fact is, the time your H has spent suffering from your As is time he cannot reclaim. I know for me, this was a big issue - it wasn't the betrayal alone; it was the fact that I could never claim back that time.

I wonder how hard he worked to forgive you for the past As?

I am so sorry to say this, but sometimes we break things and they cannot be repaired. I think you are going to have to realize that your M is over. All you can do now is wish your H the best and continue to work on yourself. For yourself.

That's what I've told my WW. She, too is trying to repair our M, but I no longer want to. I can't. I reached my limit. I am glad she's had her epiphany, but any changes she makes now should be for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> BTW, Blond. I like what you wrote in your signature line...

I'm happy that I didn't just "give up" because I wouldn't of experienced how great we are "together" in a more mature manner.

Love
Kati </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yupp and it was "my" choice. But as I wrote already, both sides have to want to.

If the BS decides he "can't or doesn't want to" then it is their choice. This doesn't mean that the WS has to "give up" but he has to "respect & accept" the BS decision.

What " time " will bring is another story...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> no one ever knows.

hugs
bb