Married 20 years. Found out 2 years ago WW had feelings for OM, no sex though. Devastated. Through counselling uncovered WW had an A 6 years into the M as well. No explanation. Worked it out, stayed together and fell in love again. Rebuilt complete trust.

Last weekend found out WW is having A with the OM she had feelings for 2 years ago. Devastated, again.

Is there any chance she'll change?

Hi 2xburned,

Welcome to MB.

I'm sorry you are here for Infidelity but this is a good place to learn about repairing your marriage.

In general,I think Dr.Harley suggests that serial cheaters are harder to deal with.It's one thing if a WS falls into the trap of thinking an A is the answer to some unresolved issues within a marriage and never does it again but,someone that keeps making the same mistakes essentially has some internal dilemma going on that I think requires some major individual counseling.That's not to say that you could not work it out with your WW but it's more serious.

If there's any chance at all,stay here and read,continue counseling and above all at this point: your WW has to STOP contact with the OM.Is she willing yet?

Read up on Plan A and get up to date with the concepts here.We will help you through this.

O

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you for your welcoming message.

I don't know if she has broken it off. I know she has been in contact with him on the phone. I haven't asked her not to. Should I? Do I have the right?

I am kind of resigned to leaving her this time. Heavy drinking, smoking, self destructive behaviour making it easier for me to justify leaving.

I'm loosing all hope she'll ever change.

Hi again,

I know it's hard to have hope but if you haven't been here at MB before,and it sounds like you have not,this is the best place I have found for a concrete plan of action against Infidelity,information on repairing your marriage and support from those in the know.

Plan A is a way in which the BS(betrayed spouse) can "negotiate" with the WS(wayward spouse) to end the A(affair) and start to meet the EN's(emotional needs) that are not being met in the marriage.So,books we regularly suggest here by Dr.Harley are:

Surving an Affair(SAA)

His Needs,Her Needs(HNHN)

Get those and absorb them.Discuss with your wife your desire to make the marriage better and that you would like her to at least take a look at the EN's questionnaire which will help identify important needs you both have and need to have fulfilled to help have a happy marriage.Again read up on the segment about How to survive Infidelity under the Q&A column and Plans A and B and what they mean.If you do want to give this marriage another try,then this is where to start.

Keep coming back to post with feelings or questions.We are here.

O

P.S. You have every right to tell your WW(wayward wife) respectfully and calmly that it hurts you that she is in contact with this OM(other man) and that you would like her to end the A and to work on the marriage to make it better.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I went through all of this 2 years ago. Reading the posts on MB helped me. I was too embarrassed to post.

She went to counseling for a while but stopped. No progress. Mostly low self-esteem and childhood issues with father, mother identified.

Both A's were with older men.

The problem is that if you ask her she'll tell you I am and have been the perfect husband for 20 years; supportive, attentive, encouraging and above all unconditionally loving. She has taken much of the fault for ruining our marriage.

Although I felt equally responsible and told her as much, she wouldn't hear it and shouldered most of the blame for the A. She did bring up my pre-marriage behavior during arguments however.

2 years ago, after just 2 days apart (I left) she pleaded for me to stay and work it out. She wanted to attend counseling together (we didn't bother). I was worried then that she wasn't being sincere. I suspected her reasons for staying together were mostly financial and lifestyle related. The process took roughly 8 months to work its way through. We did get through it and resumed a healthy loving relationship.

We really do love each other and I know how much she is hurting. But I can't risk another full frontal lobotomy.

I really need advice on the likelihood of another A before I can move on.

No one can predict if a person is going to have an A,when or how many.I'm sure you know that.It's a huge risk when you are dealing with a serial cheater though.There is no crystal ball or anyone here that can give you a definitive answer.

It also sounds like even though you were here at MB before,you didn't utilize the information to build a better marriage.Or maybe YOU did but your WW did not.A marriage is never DONE,it constantly takes work and many couples slide back into bad habits,old tricks and resentments instead of protecting their spouse and their marriage against assault.

The best possible answer of "predictability" is just what your WW is willing to do to PREVENT it from happening again.If she safeguards her marriage,her heart,seeks professional help and maintains the work needed to keep from entering into another inappropriate relationship,she may have a chance.It's like dealing with an alcoholic.They can never go back to their old ways of dealing with problems or others by use of booze.Your WW cannot deal with her issues,past and present,by choosing to go outside the marriage for whatever she is getting from this OM.She is on the cusp of losing you and she needs to make some serious changes within herself.

O

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you Octobergirl for the advise. What you say makes alot of sense now.

Met with our realestate agent yesterday and started to feel much better about moving forward without WW.

I've been reading about Histrionic Personality Disorder and am convinced WW suffers from it.

I'm not sure, but her therapist may have diagnosed this as well. She stopped going. No real explanation. I think she started a fixation with him and he pulled back on the sessions. She did say "he doesn't seem to want to help me."

In any event, experts suggest HPD is not easy to treat.

Even though I don't think I should stay with someone who has HPD if they won't agree to treatment, I'd still like to help her somehow.

Should I send her the information I've found? Has anyone on this forum dealt with HPD?

I broke down this morning and decided to invite her over. I was starting plan A, even though I promissed myself I wouldn't do it this time.

I told her I was prepared to go to marriage counselling and hold up the sale of the house while we worked through our issues with a counsellor... on one condition, that she agree not to contact the OM. She hasn't been seeing him, but they've spoken on the phone.

She wouldn't agree. Ouch, not at all what I expected. More devastation. I cried like a fool in front of her.

After I calmed down abit, I passed the HPD information on the her. She thanked me and commented that it may not apply to her. She's probably right. I overreacted. She's going to take the information with her to see a therapyst next week anyway.

She called again at work a couple of times to see how I was. I know she cares for me, but the situation this time is more complicated because of the OM and her fealings for him.

I went to my Dr. this afternoon as well to get meds and advice.

It's devastating for me to sit by and wait while she sits on the fence considering her options. I feel too betrayed and emotionally drained to work through yet another plan A.