I'm having a bad day today and feeling pretty depressed and hopeless. And now I am questioning everything I am doing. I just don't know if I am doing this right. Here is my story:

We have been together 9 years, M for 3. For the last two years H and I have been drifting apart. I now see all my failings in our R. I took him for granted, got lazy, let myself go, shut down, and when he tried to bring up problems I didn't know how to handle it so I ignored them. In April, after trying for a long time, I finally got pregnant. I couldn't understand why H was not excited, this was something we both wanted and was planned. I thought maybe he was just scared.

At the beginning of May he confessed to a PA with a co-worker. I got the I love you but not in love with you speech and he said he didn't think he wanted to be married any longer. I didn't need to expose; he told me, two of his sisters, his boss, and I know for sure his one good friend who we use to hang out with. Also OW told her H and left him. We went to a MC who was horrible, told WH it was alright to leave and wanted to put me on anti-depresants. Found out during the sessions that WH didn't think I could take care of myself and didn't think I was a good, fun person (but OW was). I found this site and tried to implement Plan A, but WH was so shut down and unresponsive to anything I said. The constant rejection was unbearable, plus I couldn't stop crying.

May 23 WH moved out. Since then he has started to open up to me at times and he usually contacts me via e-mail or phone everyday or every other day. A couple weeks after he moved out he asked if he could come over for dinner and we got into a huge fight, major LB's on my part. I asked him if he was still seeing OW and he said that he talked to her at work and they went to the same happy hours. He didn't seem to like it when I screamed that he was just an adulterer who walked out on his pregnant wife. I have avoided all LB's since then.

I have used this time to really take a good look at myself and have been working on the areas that I did not like. WH said he has noticed a change in me. On our 3rd anniversary 2 weeks ago he left me a card apologizing for what he did. He said he wished he wanted to come back home but doesn't feel he is ready. He doesn't know if he wants to settle back down and be married again. He told me if he does come back home he wants to be committed to me and only me. But doesn't know if he will ever be ready for that. Since then there has been no R or M talk. We have had pleasant e-mails back and forth, and he is finally starting to talk about the baby. He did stop by last Saturday just to say hello, usually he comes up with an excuse to come over but didn't bother that time.

I try to be upbeat, nice and encouraging when I have contact with him. He does stop over sometimes just to hang out, but we have this weird no touching thing so it's just like he is hanging out with one of his friends. I am just afraid he sees us just being friends. He has said several times no matter what happens I know we will always be friends, and not just for the baby. It's just that its been over two months and I am still so miserable. I'm sure part of this is pregnancy hormones but not all of it.

I honestly don't know if he is still seeing OW. He lives with his Mom so I know she doesn't go there. I know his boss and a lot of people at his work and they would not approve of a continued R, especially since they know I am pregnant and ask about me, so they can't be openly together there. He is spending a lot of time with his friends, who know me and like me and would also not approve. So if he is seeing her, it would have to be hidden from everyone. He is the one who confessed, he couldn't take the guilt and lying. I don't know if the reason he doesn't want to come home is because he is still seeing her or if he is going through the withdrawl and is confused by his feelings. If he didn't think that he loved me, I don't think he would come home to work things out regardless of the A.

So what do I do? Do I keep going with Plan A? I've got 5 months to go before the baby is here and I don't think I could handle Plan B. Plus Plan B is about ending the A, and how do I go to that when I don't know for sure if the A is still on-going. I know in Plan A you can't bring up the R or M subject, but how long do I go without knowing? What if the A has ended and he just doesn't want to be with me? What if he really doesn't love me?

Kloe,
I don't have much advice to give you since you already know about my situation. It does sound like you are doing a good plan A and are making some good progress.

If you don't feel like you can do Plan B while you are pregnant then you shouldn't. I think when our husbands see this new bundle of joy they will see us in a different light and hopefully makes some changes themselves.

I am praying for you. Just wanted to give you a big hug. Take care of yourself.

SML - Thanks. I haven't heard or seem much from you which I am hoping is a good sign. I am hoping it means you and H are working things out and making progress. Keep us updated, it helps to hear from people doing well.

I have been taking one day at a time. I know for a week and 3 days there has been no contact with OW. Our MC session went good and we have another one tomorrow. I just keep holding on always telling myself it will workout. I know God never lets anything happen that we can't handle.

Hey guess what. I have my ultrasound on Monday. I can't wait. I hope they can tell what I am having. If I remember correctly you said you have a appointment around July 20th. Are you going to find out what you are having? Take care of yourself.

SML - I'm glad to hear you are hanging in there. Don't forget to do stuff just for you! I have a regular dr's appoint. today where they will do the genetic screening and the sonogram is in two weeks. I can't wait to find out the sex, I already have my Mom all set to go shopping! She is going to spoil the baby rotten. I love going to the doctors so I can hear the heartbeat, I can't feel the baby moving yet. I don't care it its a boy or a girl as long as the baby is healthy.

Best wishes to you on Monday, hopefully the baby won't have it's legs crossed!

kloe - Sounds like you are doing pretty well. But those LB's have got to go. Come here to vent when you need to.

Also have you checked out Ark's post on Plan A and how to behave? She is an expert.

It will be fun to find out the sex. Please take care of you, and little one. That is the most important thing.