Here is question I cannot figure the answer to--maybe some of you will have insight.

D-day was four months ago, been in Plan A ever since. WS told me last week that he was going away over the 4th of July weekend--he asked if I would mind and I did not LB him, but I also did not tell him it hurt.

If I stayed home by myself, I would have sulked, probably LB when he called and not enjoyed my holiday. So I drove about five hours to a great resort and had a peaceful few days. When he left he did not ask what I would be doing...but sometime over the weekend, I volunteered the info when he called my cell. He was shocked that I took the trip that I did.

Today when he got back, he asked details about my trip and when I decided to go. I answered him matter-of-factly.

My question: why does he ask for the details of my trip? Double standard? Controlling? Did I LB him in another way (independent behavior) by not telling him about my trip before he left? Does he think that I am punishing him because he left? Should I smooth over things by telling him someday we should go there together? I would appreciate any help. Thanks

Definetly not a LB'er you should do things to make yourself feel better. Self induced suffering is not part of plan A.

Here are my thoughts on why you were questioned. My daddy always told me that you judge other people by yourself. One night when FWW had kicked me out of the house she called my favorite watering hole and wanted to know who I was with. HUH!?!?! You see, she was cheating so she figured I was too. It actually took me some time to convince her that the last thing I needed was another woman in my life. Sounds to me like your H is using the same type of thought process. He cheats... could you?

Hange in there and always remember IT'A A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, what Mr. E said is very true. In their FOGGY state, they are thinking lots of strange things. It makes their own weaknesses look less strange, if they can convince themselves YOU would do these things, too!

Next:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WS told me last week that he was going away over the 4th of July weekend--he asked if I would mind and I did not LB him, but I also did not tell him it hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to take you to task here. I would definitely tell him it hurts when you hear these things. I don't believe this has to be a LB to simply say something like, "It hurts to have you tell me this."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When he left he did not ask what I would be doing...but sometime over the weekend, I volunteered the info when he called my cell. He was shocked that I took the trip that I did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD!!! Very good! This lets him know you are capable of "moving on" and enjoying life without him. I wouldn't have "volunteered" the information, though. IF it came up on its own, fine, but WHY let him know what you are doing? Until he decides to participate in the M, act AS IF you are on your own.
On some level, he is thinking, "See, she will be fine without me......"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Today when he got back, he asked details about my trip and when I decided to go.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But on the other hand, he's probably thinking, "Did she go with someone else? Is there someone else in the picture? Maybe she really IS "moving on with her life without me........."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why does he ask for the details of my trip? Double standard? Controlling?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See above.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did I LB him in another way (independent behavior) by not telling him about my trip before he left? Does he think that I am punishing him because he left? Should I smooth over things by telling him someday we should go there together? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did NOT LB. Independent behavior is NOT a LB, when the WS is with OP. You are simply showing WS that you are capable of continuing to live your life IF they decide to leave permanently. My own personal opinion is that this type of behavior can help lift the fog somewhat. Don't be surprised if he starts "checking up" a little bit more, about what you do, where you go, who you might be with, etc.

There is NOTHING to "smooth over." DO NOT ADDRESS this issue with him. Let him think what he wants to think. That is HIS problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As long as you know you did not "punish" him, I wouldn't worry about what he thinks about it.

This might turn out to be the very thing that "turns the tide."

Should be interesting. I'll stay tuned to see.

God Bless,

Thank you for your insights.

To Mr. Ed: Your insight helped me to understand why H needs all the details. I am now able to answer openly and freely with taking offense--nothing to hide. Just because he is in a fog doesn't mean I need to be.

To Lupolady: Thanks for all of your insight. Tonight when he came home, he started to ask all sorts of questions about when I decided to go, where I stayed, how many nights was I there. In the course of the discussion, I told him that I had not been perfectly open with him when he asked me if I mind that he left. I quietly told him, "it hurt." He nodded his head so thanks for giving me courage to speak the truth. He also answered that he did not realize it was a holiday--4th of July????

Last week, he spoke of taking another trip this weekend and I asked to go, but he declined. If he leaves again by himself, I already have plans. The weather is too nice and the summer holds too many fun opportunities to miss out on.

Thanks again for your help. I welcome freedom from the pain and drama. It is a great day to be alive.

suresrurvivor...

couple of questions...then a tiny two by four coming your way so duck.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

How is your plan A going..
and what is your time line for going to plan b...

because you may want to consider it soon especially since your trip got a lot of his attention that is a good sign....

four months in to your plan a you may want to step up a little bit if illusiveness....while heeding the advice that your activities remain without blame ...

subtle ways to do these types of things..are getting or printing off information about local travel attractions and or phamphlets on something going on somewhere that interests YOU...(local wine tasting weekend in Sept. etc..
and just leave them around where he can see with NO explanation offered unless he asks..
and when he does...
truthful but illusive..
"oh those...just something I was looking at..."
batt eyes here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Also I would not give and or answer ALL his questions about where you were and what you did RIGHT away,...answer some...
answer some partially...and say..
geez dear would love to talk but I gotta go..........

let him hang on and wonder...

plan a really does gets a WS attention...
use his attention to your advantage...

I think it's great to apologize ...but place it back on him..

"dear I certainly would have liked to have gone together but you had already gone _______."

Don't sit down and give him individed attention of what you did...when he doesn't think you deserve the same...give him doses...and let him experience first hand the reality of his actions...

let him feel bad....the way you and other BS feel bad being left in the dark...but do it with honey and kindness...

it's a dance for sure...


next for the twobyfour...

My question: why does he ask for the details of my trip? Double standard? Controlling? Did I LB him in another way (independent behavior) by not telling him about my trip before he left?

So many things in this one sentence...

first of there is a huge difference between LB that are real...and the WS perception of LB,s..
doing what you did..
not a LB...and if he thinks it is...too bad..
in this case..

you did nothing that is worthy of blame.
you did nothing that affected him...
and you did really well claiming your autonomy...

it would be a LB if he asked where you were and you said...none of your ##$%^^ bussiness you ##%%^$$!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but you didn't so not an LB....
(would be if left home every day and night..but you don't)

next is please please please drop the word or thought controling from your marriage vocabulary...
couple things about that word...

1. no one NO ONE can control you without your consent...so you are only controled when you choose to be controled...

2. the bigger picture here is re-building a true partnership..and many recovered marriages through much pain and growth do just that...and create marriages where the word control is not ever a motivating factor...

control in marriage is an overused term to we apply willy nilly when our spouses display dissastisfaction with our actions...

in a true partnership it does not exist...
part of that is changing your perception...of your spouse...

he asked where you were because he is damn curious and watching every move he makes...
remember you are that one constant calm thing in his creation of chaos...

you doing something like stepping out on your own has his attention for sure...
what if you DON"T need him
what if you AREN'T home pining for him..

WHAT IF YOU CAN SURVIVE without him!!!!!!

shocking to him as it all is....

what if OTHER people appreciate YOU>....

hmmmmmmm
he's not thinking of controlling you...
he's thinking perhaps he messed up a little here in ASSUMING what you would and would not do...

sounds like a good plan a
step it up a bit with a good mix of meeting his needs...AND leaving him wanting a little bit more...
and see if you aren't ripe for plan B before all the good plan a deeds get ruined...

ARK

SS,

Last week, he spoke of taking another trip this weekend and I asked to go, but he declined. If he leaves again by himself, I already have plans.

What is "HE" doing on his trips and why does't he "welcome" you to "join him".

I see this as a "RED FLAG" and I wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

I can only speak for myself and when we were at the 4 month mard after d-d, we were going on all sorts of trips "together". This was the "Honey Moon" stage of our recovery but it was a very important stage and it made it possible for us to "get glued back together again".

A good Plan A is great but I'd for sure want to know what "he" is up to during "His" trip. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


take care
bb

Survivor - I have started to be very vague, pleasant but vague, when my WS asks about what I am doing. It forces him to ask me the details. And I guess if he didn't care, he wouldn't ask. For example, I sent him an e-mail on Tuesday to see if he could take care of the animals this weekend while I went out of town. He replied back that he would be glad to and asked "Where are you going? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I'm not doing anything that I need to hide so I have no problem telling him, but he has to ask. I have a doctors appointment for the baby today. I told him it was today last weekend when he asked, so if he wants to know how it went, he will need to contact me. I don't know what effect this will have, I just started this recently but so far he has asked for more details each time.

Thanks to everyone for their insight. I thought I was setting a good example by volunteering info, but I see how it can work against me. I will start to use the suggestions to be more ellusive and stop thinking that taking care of me is an LB!

To Ark: I have been doing Plan A for 4 months and my timeline to go to Plan B is in another 2 months. To be honest, I am a bit afraid of going to Plan B because we do not have kids and because it could lead to a clean, fast break for both of us. At the same time, he is in the middle of a MLC and retired--with nothing to do all day. I still work full time, but have offered to quit. He has nothing to keep his mind off his addiction and I don't believe NC will stop so easily. Sometimes I think Plan B will probably be the only way. Any thoughts?

His MLC makes him restless and he takes trips for his business, but lately to find a "purpose." I am pretty sure that contact has continued during these times--although I feel he has been struggling to stop.

On a positive note, the fog lifted a little today. He called me today and invited me on one of his trips and also asked if he could join me on one of my trips! I told him I would love to go with him and it would be nice for us to be together.

Thanks again and god bless us all as we continue on this journey.