Been married for 11 years 2 children. The wife and i have had major problems over the years and seemed to just coast for a while. Bad habits and bad decisions on my part through the years have taken thier toll. 2 months ago she was ready to walk out the door. I started counselling and have been trying the love bank things. She is still unsure how she feels. She says she loves me but not like she used to. She says some days she wants to run away and be gone others she wants to stay.

I ignored her needs for so long and now that i am doing things to meet them she thinks im always "up her [censored]" how can i give her space and not worry shes gonna just leave.

One of the problems we had was the computer and internet. I got rid of them both at the house. Now without that diversion i look at her in a whole new light and want to spend time with her alot but like i said she feels im invading her space.

We've done the emotional needs questionair. It was an eye opener. The problem i am having is she is very reluctant to meet any of my emotional needs especially sex. We are in couseling now she is very bitter and angry for the years of treatment she has felt. Any suggestions on how to handle any of this.

I dont want to loose her i love her alot and want our marriage to work.

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm glad you found us. At first you will have to make all of the changes, and expect very little from her. Your marriage took a long time to get in this condition, and it will take awhile to pull it out of the toilet.

Start in Plan A. You can read about it on the link in my signature line. Also try to check out Ark's plan A thread here under general questions. She is an expert.

Stick with us, and we will get you through this.

Hi this sounds similar enough to my sit. to reply to, if for nothing else just to give you hope.

My H has gotten rid of his selfish distractions as well. He is an outdoorsmen and was constantly gone doing his own thing.

So now I say all the time, he is up my butt and out my nose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I feel absolutely smothered all the time.

He says his attention is sincere, but it is very hard to believe that he ignored/neglected me severely for 10 years and now he finds me that interesting of a person that he wants to spend every waking moment with me, hence the frustration.

I talked with my C about the anger I was feeling for him, I didn't quite understand it. I was the one whom had the A, he should be angry with me.

She explained to me that basically I was holding a grudge, (past anger) I was carrying around the baggage of all my past hurts.

Hurts that I have never addressed, I have never given my anger a voice. I have always felt like my H was shutting my mouth for me.

My therapist told me that It would be frustrating to live with somebody for years and on a dime there behavior changes just like that. Much to adapt to.

I am adapting, and my anger is subsiding. I'm starting to really feel happy, I have the post A issues to work out in my head, but I'm getting to a good place with his new behavior.

I just wanted you to know, I came around. My love bank is full, but it is very easy for my H to LB, because I'm standing guard, I'm letting that guard down, but slowly.

I have hope for you. Listen to her, don't smother her, and be sincere and show her the depth to your emotions. She needs to know this is real and not some phony crap you are doing to keep her there.

KY-4

Thanks for the suggestions and comments. She sees all this and the counselling as a ploy at the moment that i am not sincere but i am. I just got off the phone with her seems like a good day. I discussed maybe getting together tonight in our bedroom and coming up with a Policy of Joint Agreement. Maybe we can come up with a mutual agreeable deal about her feeling smothered and also about her and my emotional needs. Like i said some days are good days some are bad days.

On to Emotional needs - She hasnt had an affair she has just shut down and closed off and as she said gave up. That was 2 months ago and we are going to counseling also we went to a marriage luau at a local church that just so happened to use things from this site and the book His Needs Her Needs. I am trying to meet all her emotional needs as i see them. Ive done everything she has asked me to do (ie help with the house be more involved with the kids be a better Dad and also get rid of the computer at home. Ive done all that and have owned up to some things she had wrote in a 17 page letter detailing the events that has lead to this (10 years of hurts). She refuses to listen to any discussion on ways she has hurt me or not met my needs over the marriage.

Now for the big question how do i get her to come around to meeting some of my needs in time. Sex is the biggest dilema and also affection for me. I am feeling unsatisfied there. We have been intimate a few times since this happened but in a conversation last night she says she doesnt want to have sex with me as she feels i am trying to manipulate her emotionally. SO any suggestions on how to get past that or should i just wait for as she said last night "i'll let you know when i want it"
I mean she has no qualms about me rubbing her feet back and giving massages every night but i've asked for one and she always says shes too tired. I asked her the other morning about maybe making love that evening and she wound up staying at work late and coming home POed cause she read the letter she had written to a friend and came home with a dont even talk to me i want out attitude. This morning was better so i am on an relationship Rollercoaster.

Any Sugestions

At this point, I would step back and do not expect so much from her as yet. This is going to take some time for her to even want to do anything for you. I would take the massages and leave it at that for now. If she isn't interested right now, believe her and respect the boundary for now. KY knows what she is talikng about...it will take time to fix years of problems. See if she will come to this site and read the Harley's books, but again, do not expect a miracle cure.

What is she lacking from you in the EF area??? Has she told you???

When my H fills my love bank, it comes easy and natural for me to give SF, willingly, lovingly, and aggressively. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your W needs to be communicating to you, what she is feeling. Have you learned the I statement way to communicate to each other.

Communication is key.

KY

K

Im Not to in tune with the letter codes but seems she wants her space she says shes empty and doesnt want to even try anything but yet she talks about doing this in the house and that over time so it gets a little confusing. In her mind shes given up and is done but she doesnt get up and move out etc.

I dont even know if all im doing is depositing love units at all. I thinik she is so blocked off she is not letting them in.

The frustrating part also is the further away she goes the closer i try to get and im scared to death to step away for fear she is just gonna go. Shes been hurt for so long with the way i had acted over the years i dont know if she is even willing to accept love units. Im trying the best i can. I just wish i could turn back the clock a bit. If only i wasnt such a selfish [censored] for so long. we had good times and bad times and all she seems to see are the bad times now. Granted alot of the stuff was tit for tat. i would do this then she would do that then i would do something eles in reaction to that etc etc.

to be Honest i am scared to death. i think about her not being in my life for ever and it scares the hell outta me.

Sorry for jumping around here.

I guess i should start by saying i really was a ****ty husband and father. too much time on the comp not enough time with the family.

I made some very stupid choices over the years and she just got tired of it. So she didnt have an affair she just wanted it to end. THAT woke me the hell up. At this point she says she is empty inside cant give anymore she is also walled up in her heart. I am really trying to do all she wanted from me.

The Flip Flops are whats driving me crazy. I think about not being with her and it makes me scared. I didnt realize how great a woman she was now i know and i wish i knew if there was hope. Some days i feel there is other days i feel there isn't.
I think about and see how the kids react to me now they like who i am now. Its only been 2 months i guess i was hoping that she would change by now.
She says she wants space how do i give it to her without her leaving the house and taking the kids.
She says she wants me to be her friend i am but i am also her husband and she my wife.

like i said i was not a very great husband at all i admit it and im trying my best to be better following the emotional needs stuff. She just refuses to see anything except her own being atm.
I feel like a dog that keeps being kicked and coming back for more. When i say something about such and such her responses are now you know how i felt all this time.

HELP i am going outta my mind. I go from greif to anger to depression to anger all the while trying to see her side and i do but its frustrating as hell to have her not see my side.
Her favorite response is
I told you before i wanted out but you begged me to stay and you WONT give me my damn space.
my response is usually i am sorry but i just want to spend time with you.

Like i said she feels i am up her [censored] when i try to do something thats for US or me but she doesnt have a problem when im doing stuff that benefits her. IE Back Rubs - Laundry - cleaning - cooking - making sure the kids are set.

HELP

anyone??

Buffsco,

Ok, as I see it here is the deal. You need to realize your Needs will NOT be met for at least 6 months perhaps 9-12. Decide if you can deal with that. If you cannot, then decide if you can deal with divorce.

You need to keep doing what you are doing, it is sort of like plan A. The problem with plan a is that it requires you put your "taker" on complete hold. You can do that for awhile, but not indefinitely. So what do you do?

Stop for a moment and realize she is there, no matter what she says she is there. Perhaps it is because of the kids, very likely it is. It does not matter. Focus on the kids, be a good Dad, enjoy them and learn to enjoy doing things with them. Do the things for her that you KNOW you can do for the rest of your life, that would be... listening to her when she wants to talk, that would be being polite to her, that would be doing things with her that you BOTH enjoy, that would be...

Do you see where I am going? She is worried that you will change back and you will if you do things you really dislike, if you feel you are making sacrifices for her. You need to decide what it is about your family life and your married life you enjoy and require little from her, and then do them.

If she does not change don't worry, you will know when this is over. The good news is that you are much more likely to have a successful second marriage if you do these things, and if she doesn't learn she has worse odds.

I will tell you that one of the things that seems to get to women the most is when their H's become good fathers to the children. Often that is a major need.

So plan on a long hard road if you decide to do this, but if you do, then do it with enthusiasm, smiles, and actually enjoy it. You will be amazed at the change in you, and others will notice. It seems your children already have. That is a good thing.

Don't even ask your W for anything, just do the things you know you need to do with your children and around the house. Then as things move along, you will have your chances to get this marriage back on track. You need to view this as the rebuilding or healing portion of the effort and it is and will be a small fraction of your married life.

Please read the articles here and ask plenty of questions.

God Bless,

JL

buffsco...

I appreciate your "honesty" here on how you were...

blessed are you and any that can see where they have caused hurt....and can turn from ever being "that person" again...

you are begining a great journey of self discovery...and stand at a great cross road to see things in a whole new light and vision....

blessed are you that your wife is still at your side...
right now
today
this minute...

so begin your journey...

start by counting your blessings...each day...
give thanks that you have today to be the new you

shift your attitude and view this time as rebirth....

seek joy in all the new ways you are learning to give of your self..and YOUR GIFTS>>>>>

If you can begin to let of the thought of doing for others without any expectations of return...
you will begin for perhpaps for the first time in your life to be able to find the real joy in the ACT of giving...

spend time with your children and marvel that those beings are here because of you and your wife...

celebrate life with them
throw water balloons
blow bubbles...
lay on the grass and watch the clouds....

sounds too foo foo for you...
trust me.....
trust me
trust me...

bring joy to those in your life that matter ...

You want to attract you wife to you...
not with demonstrative overtures of romance and touching....she can't see them and she can't feel you...

move to her peripheral line of sight and gather your children to you...

there is nothing like entering a room and seeing people light up becausy YOU are THERE,...
be there....

play music in the background..
laugh and laugh and then laugh more...

bring home a box of saltine crackers and see who can chew them up and whistle at the same time...

invite her towards you...
and rejoice when she join in...

When i say something about such and such her responses are now you know how i felt all this time.

shut your mouth and just smile at her..with your eyes and face...

read read read read...
you want her attention...

get a biography on mother theresa....too heavy you think...never before in history was there an example of finding joy in the simplest of giving...

lead grace before you eat....speak of the deep thanks you have for your family and wife...

start a thankful chain...cut out colored strips of paper and go around the dinner table and have eveyone say something they are thankful for...

read "the language of love.... (I think)

bring gifts to your wife of the simplest things...and lay out for her and EXPECT nothing in return.....

bring her a cup a coffee...
bring her a single flower...

write I thank God for you on the bathroom mirror with your fingers so that when the steam hits it she finds it after her shower....

whooo her from afar...

pray for Gods' grace and gifts to enter your heart and see begin to see the power you hold on this earth in creating the type of home and family that you and she deserves....

laugh and laugh and laugh...
rent movies with kids like meatballs...
ET

(don't know their ages)

take a day off work...and YOU plan family fun day....

you are too wrapped up in still viewing this from a selfish perceptive....
free yourself....

let go of your pain
let go of your needs...getting empty return of affection will hurt you more right now...

seek the path of giving...
pray for Gods Grace.....

you take control of the undertone of that house and blind her with your light of renewal...

seek counseling on your own at first...
seek counsel from friends that are true...
speak no evil of your wife....and find only good in her....

YOU buffsco...YOU stand at a great crossroads..pick the right path...and nothing will stop you...

believe in yourself...
you hold great wonder in this universe...
we all do.....seek your value first in not what you get out if it...but what you bring in to it..

It's out here I know...what i am telling you...
but life is full of wonder and great things...
you have to believe...
ARK

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

^^bump^^

^^arkk^^