I am trying to step back and re-evaluate things.

My husband has moved to another town for work, which has gotten him away from the OW. It has been a couple of weeks, and I don't think he is calling her.

His van is still at her place, so they might have some contact over the next week or so when he finishes working on it and gets it out of there.

He has started calling me every few days. he text messaged me on the weekend, saying he loves me, and that no matter how hard he tries to act cold and angry, I thaw him out, and that it scares him so he acts like an idiot (his words).

He is coming around.


He said not long ago that he doesn't want to talk about heavy stuff, or have any discussions. I think he doesn't want to talk about things while there is still contact.


I suspect that his main agenda right now is to get his van, and burn his bridges with her.

From the way he sounds when he calls, he is feeling lonely, remorseful etc.

I am being neutral on the phone, light,pleasant.

I don't want to discourage him- I would like to send him a text just saying hi, maybe even invite him over for supper at some point, but I think it would be better to wait until he is completely done with her.

I feel like I have to tread very carefully at this point.

I don't want to go back to the same old. I want us to start over fresh.

We have lived apart for 9 months now, and I have started a new life of sorts. I think this is a good chance for us to start slowly talking, building a friendship, but I am not sure how to work it.

It feels like I can set the pace now.

I guess I need prayer to handle this all in the best way.

I am so tired of walking on eggs in this relationship, having to be careful what I say to him, etc. It is very wearing.

Maybe I should just tell him that when he has sorted out the van and he is done with her, no contact, then we can go forward slowly.

I could send him an email...


What do you think?

I will add that over the past few months I have viewed this as building a new bridge beween us, making it safe for him to cross.

I think now he is taking a few tentative steps toward me from his end, testing it, if you will.

shul - Could you offer to tow the van over to your house? That would make NC easier.

Have you checked out Ark's post on Plan A here on how to behave? She has great ideas.

This is a good idea.

Except he is supposed to take it in for a safety in town and I live way out in the sticks.

But maybe I can get it towed to somewhere else where he can finish working on it...

Yes, I loved Arks post. Just not sure how to apply it in this case.

We are one of those tricky cases where this is not so much about A, as about deeper emotional problems. Its not like we are trying to restore what was a good marriage went bad. The whole thing was a mess, and I think we need to start over as friends, from scratch.

The good news is that he is finally dealing with some of his problems- rather, God has been dealing with him.
I think he really wants his family back, and to start over.

But how do we do that?

Our daughter is going away for three weeks.

This might be a window of opportunity for he and I to go out on a 'date' or two, just the two of us.

Just to have fun, which would be a good start?

Hello shul, of course you know where i am at right now but from what i want to know about your situation and what you have said i just wanted to touch on a few things. so here goes,

you're exactly right, "he's coming around."

yes you probably do need to still tread very carefully and continue to make the bridge truly strong enough for him to cross the entire length no matter how slow it may take.

i think the idea of inviting him to dinner sounds like a good idea even though the van situation isn't settled yet. believer did have a good idea about getting in towed somewhere and like you said have taken somewhere where he can work on it. maybe just approach the subject of "how would you feel about... or what do you think about....?"

i wouldn't email him.

when you say you don't know how to work it or how you do something, you know you already have the answer. God will reveal it to you, that's the beauty of it, is that HE does know how. i know i need to listen to my own advice but maybe that's what i'm doing here is reminding you of this and at the same time telling myself this too.

continued prayers to you and will check for updates here and on the prayer forums, God bless, RR

Shul -

My WH is still gone. But what helped me most was changing myself. I also made my home a wonderful place (for me). I think Ark's advice is good, even if WH is not around. Nothing wrong with having a warm, welcoming home.

I even cook for myself - nice meals. Several times WH has been here around meal time, and says he really misses my cooking. Plus he sees how I have been working on the house, and feels left out.

But I am like you. The marriage has been shaken to the foundation. So I suggest that you start over just like you did when you were dating. Take it slow (I know, hard) and see how it goes.

Thank you Believer,

Its hard when we have so little chance to see them or talk to them, yes?

A word or a just a look can take on so much importance.

We have to do so much with so little...

Funny, but we never dated in the usual way when we first met.

We didn't talk much or spend time getting to know each other. We were pretty young.

I think this has been a time of self-discovery for me. I am a different person now, and so is he. Only in the last few years have I gotten to know who I am, what is important to me. Someone told me once that they didn't really start to be themself until they hit 40. It has been the same with me.

I like who I am. I like who I have become. I like my life.

I don't think he and I can live together yet- but I am content to spend time together when we can as a family, as a couple, for now.

It is the lying, the secrecy that I don't need.

He is so used to keeping things from me. He needs to stop seeing me as his mother, and see me as a woman, a lover. An individual.

A little jealousy might do the trick.
I suspect that if he knew I was being pursued by other men, he might see me differently, but I haven't let on.

I don't want anyone else, but he doesn't have to know that yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Shul.

It seems to me that in a lot of ways, you and I are pretty much in the same place.

The thing I am learning to do is just TRUST God to give me the next thing to say, the next step to take, etc. It all seems to tricky, such dangerous ground.

THEN, I remember that GOD HAS PROMISED TO DO THIS, so all the anxiety about how to do this, and not screw it up - listen to this - does not come from God.

Satan would like nothing more than to have you believe you could mess this all up now!! NOT!!! God is STILL in control. Relax. Enjoy your H's company when he's around. BUT, remember how you've come to rely on God so much, how you let Him lead you. Rest in that. BE the light, the ROCK your H keeps coming to, b/c I believe, he's just as confused right now as YOU are!! I know that's true in MY case.

I understand that whole "didn't talk much....." thing. Well, I THOUGHT we talked. Really, only about superficial things. We are talking now, ALL THE TIME. I am finding things out I never knew, and I'm not afraid to share things with him now that I hid from him before.......
PTL - IT'S ALL GOOD!!!

That whole, "I like who I am...." thing? Well, part of liking who you are is coming to understand that you are made in Christ's image, and becoming MORE SO every day!! THAT's what I like in me. THAT's what WH is seeing!! PTL!!!

Shul, you are a pearl of great price and that's what he's coming to see, too.

Don't worry about the "timing" of when can we live together, etc. GOD has that all worked out!! You'll know when it's right.....just like I'm waiting to know. I - also - feel now is not the right time, but I'm OK with it!! I'm still perfecting ME!!!

See, I used to pray and TELL God, "God, I'm ready now!! BRING MY H HOME!!!" But I wasn't ready..........I could always see afterward that I wasn't. NOW?? Now that I don't feel ready AT ALL, God is showing me that HIS timing is perfect, and I still have to LEAN ON HIM to make this work. THAT's what He was waiting for me to "get."

Shul, I kinda like the idea of a little jealousy.....NOT to manipulate or anything. But, truthfully? I think part of what spun my H around was when I told him there was a STRING of guys who wanted to date me!! I didn't say it in a threatening way at all. Just during one of our convo's. He kinda laughed a little nervous laugh....then I think he REALLY thought about a long while. It was after that when he wanted to come here........and now wants to go to church with me (where all the guys are who want to date me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Sometimes, I think these WS's get into a mindset where they think they KNOW you will just sit there infinitely and wait for them. It's good for them to KNOW that you COULD move on, any time you wanted........

More thots later. I just wanted to say it's all good news!!

God Bless,

Thankyou Lupolady!

I was just thinking the other day about who we are, us women..

We have had our self worth shaken up, yes?

But we are daughters of the Most High God.

Yes, we need to see ourselves as 'pearls of great price'!

As women of dignity, strength, grace, wisdom, holiness, compassion, beauty, gentleness, kindness- greatly beloved.

We should hold our heads up, and walk straight.

Shul

Yes, we need to see ourselves as 'pearls of great price'!

luv it
love it
LOVE IT
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

And if WH doesn't see your value... woe is he.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />