Seems WS and I are at an important crossroad and I am not sure how to proceed. Was in Plan B (second one after 1 day of false recovery) for 4 days when H emailed that he had ended contact with OW and that he was 100% sure that he wanted to focus on me 100% (mentioned that he wanted to see if we had what it takes to be "in love"--that preceeded the 100% remark). Well that lasted a whole day. WH was depressed by the time I saw him that night. Wasn't sure he wanted to come back (very sad and serious). He said he would take another day and be back on Saturday am.

Well, I packed up kids and went to my sister's for the weekend (the pain was too much and I had decided that I was going to go dark again).

When WH saw that family was not there, he jumped on a plane to see his friend (our "best" man)for a week. He's still there and we talked last night. He is so depressed (could be withdrawals). Not sure if we have what it takes. Not sure I could "satisfy" him (SF speaking that is). Can't remember us ever being passionate in last 8 years (once child #2 born). What would I do to work on marriage?

I explained that while things feel hopeless right now, there is hope. Explained that there is a program that works with people to re-kindle love with very high success. Just went into some very very brief principles. Also said that this has been an eye opener and that I realize mistakes I made and will NOT make them again. Then he said he wanted to move (with family) and start over somewhere new. I said I would if he was committed to working on marriage. Said he wasn't sure in his extremely depressed mood.

He is so depressed. How do you explain to WH that he is going through withdrawals and that things will seem hopeless during this time, but it will change? I did try to tell him this, but he just said "that's not it." He did mention that the best thing I said the other night was that he had to trust me for now, that I would lead us down the right path (but that was then). Than he said "what a mess." I said, we can get out of this mess. There is hope.

He's so close yet so far. So do I continue these talks--feel like I'm trying to convince him or do I go dark again until he has decided on his own? Not sure if he has contacted OW. Ordered cell phone log and should receive it in a day or two--it may not include past few days, however.

Would he consider posting here? We might be able to help him.

Would he take anti-depressants? I know many men won't.

Have you read Ark's description here of a good plan A?

Hang in there. I think now is the time to make your very best effort.

He is on ADs. My IC said that it worries her that WH is only under care of primary care doctor (since they tend to monitor whether dose is actually working). And no, he won't post here. I've suggested that he talk to someone (referring to SH), but he won't do that either.

I guess my next steps will depend on whether he is still having contact with OW.

Hi hopeful,

First of all,I don't think making a move is the best idea at this juncture.No matter where you go,the problems follow.So rule that out for now.You both have enough upheaval in your lives as it is then to deal with a move.

As for your WH,well,I am not sure what to suggest.He is definitely tettering on the top of that fence but his emotions are lying to him,convincing him that the right thing is to leave his family for that OW.All the knowledge in the world doesn't seem to sway most of these WS's to do the right thing.

I guess if I were in your shoes,I would tell him one last time,that you can have a better marriage than ever,you realize the mistakes that you have made and have sought help to make those necessary changes in yourself and that he has so much more to gain by keeping his family together,for you both and the kids,than by starting over with another woman.Highlight the area in HNHN where Dr.Harley says that the spouse can take the place of the lover but the lover can never take the place of the spouse.It is true.Then leave him alone.

Ultimatley,you want your WH to come home of his own accord right? Otherwise he is going to say he was pressured and other spiteful statements and he will run back to the OW.Don't push to much.If he is still waffling,you may need to go dark again.But there are only so many times you can go to Plan B.It's up to you.

For me,two false recoveries was all that I could take.My heart has been damaged enough but to keep reliving my WH's indecision was a nightmare.Now it seems I made the right choice.WH doesn't care that I am D'ing him.At least not now.I know he will later when he wakes up to all that he lost.

O

OctGirl,

Agree w/you about move. WH hates to face his problems--more comfortable with rationalizing/blaming others. A move would be just another distraction for him.

I'm willing to do another Plan B if necessary. This time I would not believe him right away. Plan Bs last 5-7 days and recovery less than 24 hours.

If he had it his way, we would be divorced, still friends, and he would be over a lot to help with kids (sound like a cake eater?). I called last night to tell him that I would be cutting down on my work hours--too hard to juggle kids/house/job. Boy was he p$ssed. Looks like my $$ is one of his ENs. He is way underpaid and I thought it would be a good time for him to "step up," and get a new job (especially since OW works at his office). No instead, he's upset that I didn't think of other options like more daycare (kids are there enought), friends (they are always helping) or whatever.

He says he can take kids for dinner a couple of times a week so that i can work late. I said I really don't want to see him (it hurts too much). Besides, I think he means he really wants to see them at the house while I work (get his house/kid fix at the same time).

I don't know. I'm waiting until Sunday when he gets back to see where things stand.

I know what you mean.My WH also wants to think that we will be friends,everything hunky dory,me the wife and kids and home on one side,the homewrecking trash on the other,best of both worlds.

Well he has been told,more than once, that I will NOT be his friend ever if we divorce,plain and simple.Some folks do it but I cannot.Same reason as you,it hurts and frankly,I don't like my WH right now and won't for some time.Friends don't treat friends like he has done to me.He is going to lose out big but maybe that doesn't even matter anymore.He once told me that he didn't care if he was living on the streets,he wanted to be with the homewrecker.Whatever.

As for moving,it would be a good idea maybe if and when your WH was really serious about NC and wanted to start a new life but,it doesn't sound like your WH is anywhere near that kind of realization yet.

It's also amusing to hear about your WH's suggestions for work.I am sure he would love for you to work non stop so he doesn't have to deal with any financial pressure and have his way too.My WH is having a hard time himself since he is a big control freak about money.I am surprised he hasn't blown a gasket when I talk to him about our accounts being separated soon and him not having control anymore.He will have nothing left to worry about except what the homewrecker wants.His wife,kids,home and the family dog(actually MY dog) will be moving on without him.

So,don't let your WH pressure you into any more work.For me,I was told by my lawyer that I could easily get the status quo since my WH has agreed to that and on paper.I am currently a SAHM and I am not working until this whole mess blows over.

O

O,

This may sound manipulative, but I was also thinking that it would be best to cut down on hours now. That way, if D is in future, my pay will look like less and WH will have to pay out more. He is so underpaid, that I'm sure if we got D, he would go out and get much better job ASAP. The kids and I would then have less $ and he would be so much better off. I know that he is not thinking that (he doesn't think these days), but I can see it coming.

His other suggestion if we move was that he would quit his job and start something "new" after the move. I could lie to my company that he has a job so that they would agree to let me work off-site. He gets upset if I say I don't want to lie to work people. Of course, he really has no problem lying/cheating to justify what he wants.

FE

OK guys, help me out here. Give me some of that BS fogatude (or whatever we are calling it these days) to make me feel more hopeful!