I'm new to this and I need some advise. My wife and I have been together 10 yrs now 8 of wich I thought were happily married. Two months ago she tells me that she no longer can be with me. That there is still love there for me but she dosn't want the relationship any more. She can not give me anyother reasons than this. She has also started a relationship with her boss. I have found myself being very possesive over this time. Constantly checking up on her and constantly quizing her on him. This has done nothing for me in trying to fix things between us. She has constantly told me that they were backing off. But the further I looked at it I found that she was just eazing my mind. This did nothing but make me lose my trust in her. Our relationship was built on trust, understanding and comunication. I hold a great respect for her in telling me about them.

I know that the only losers in this will be our 2 wonderful children and that kills me the most. I have at this time allowed her to keep them and our four legged one as well. These are my world and I have given them to her to try and break the wall. But to know ground from her. I have been out of the house for 3 wks now and that was for her as well.

All I want to do is get her to give me a chance.

How can I get her to see that he is just filling the voids that I didn't? (he is married as well and is telling her that he is leaving his wife for along the same reasons)

I am so willing to fill her up again and create the sitution that we shared when we were first toether. But how?

I have lost all my support people in this. My father was a D counsler for 10 yrs. But he is to close to the situation. My friends can't figure why I would want to continue with this and constantly tell me to turn this nasty. NO

I have started alot of self help but she keeps building that wall that I spend countless hours trying to bust down.

What to do ???

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start out in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

You need to notify the OM's wife of what is going on. Yes, your wife will be angry, but it is necessary.

Check out Ark's post here on plan A also. She is great.

I have not done this in fear of giving him the ammo to leave her. I know it is the right thing to do. I'm also worried of the reprocussions from my wife as well.

Listen to believer... Read as much as you can on this website about Plan A. Bugging her and quizzing her are no-no's. It will just annoy her and drive her to him.

You must expose the affair (A) to the boss's wife. Don't worry too much about their reactions right now. It might even be kinda fun to see them scrambling as you put a hole in their fantasy bubble. Exposure was very helpful to me, it allowed people to support me better. A lot of your support people will not approve of Plan A, and it's really hard. Remind them that you are committed to your marriage (M).

Keep reading and posting. You will get a lot of support on this board.

Hi KTM,

First off,I would say that you should move back into your home.One reason is that it is that much more difficult to work on a marriage and fill each other's love banks when separated.And separation is *almost always a bad idea.It doesn't allow you to fix the issues together which you need to do.

Second is because if your W is unhappy and looks like she is involved with her boss as in Adultery,she should leave,not you.You have rights to protect if this situation ends up in court one day.Don't make this easy on her by not being home,that is just what she wants so she can continue on without your interference.And,she has all the comforts of home and the kids near by plus the family pet.

Doing Plan A is also easier when you are home.

Exposure is also necessary especially since this OM is your W's BOSS.Not good.He can be in hot water for this type of relationship and his W should definitely know too.Expose this to everyone you can.Your W will be mad and so will the OM but so what.You may at one time also need to expose them at work which is a touchy area but it has been done.That can come later if they will not stop seeing each other.The more people that know, the best chance you have of putting pressure on the A from all angles.

Lastly,get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His needs,Her needs) by Dr.Harley.

O

Hey all,
Thanks for this. Alas, she moved out of the house last weekend. I have started trying to contact the OM's wife. I did notify their suporviser and the H.R. Manager at the corp level. But seen no response from that. This was 6 wks ago. Also the superviser is a close freind to him and her. I am going to read the Plan A tonight and will get the books on order.

Thoughts on how to break it to the OMW??

Hey,
Got a question on Plan A, she is not willing to do any negotiaitions on the subject. She totaly is wanting to move forward in the affair. I have even heard of marriage.
But Plan B would not work eighter. Since the kids are with her.
Has any one combined the two with or without success??
I know the seperation could be permanant. I have worked to prepair myself for this anyway. Ofcourse this not what our family needs and not what we need. Maybe the OMW will have better luck in getting him to disolve the affair. Or she might be as glad for the door as he. POOF

she is not willing to do any negotiaitions on the subject.
Keep gently trying.

But Plan B would not work eighter.
Why not? It CAN'T fail if you stick to it. It may not save the marriage but that is not the definition of Plan B working.

Has any one combined the two with or without success??
Can't do it. Plan B is no communication. Gotta communicate in Plan A.

Read the links below.

know, the others are right, it is real important that you tell his W and blow their cover. I would also suggest sending another letter to the HR manager asking what has been done about your previous letter and CCing the owner/owners. If the HR manager is a friend, she may have deep sixed it if they told her you were just a jealous nut.

Is there some reason why she has uprooted your kids? It is really not a good idea for the kids to be taken from their home so a WS can resume her affair. The kids should not be uprooted for this home to accommodate her sleazy affair. Can you get them back home?

KTN,
She is living in a fantasy. Her thoughts of marriage to this guy is all a bunch of FOG. I know it is hard, I'm still living it. But try to take it for what it is.

As I've read here many times, and try to remember and repeat often to myself ...

Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

Good Luck. There are real helpful members here that can give you good advice. I can only offer encouragement to try to save yourself and family.

ML, I could not afford payments on 2 places and she could not afford the payment on our house. Nor can I now. The war would be on if I brought up her letting the kids go. I could do a TCO but she would resent that and think I am trying to hurt her. I had the dog this weekend and that is her oldest son. Not only did it devistate me to have him but it built that wall even higher. No it was not mutial. But when I helped her move this weekend, all I got was greif for it and I selfishly retaliated.OOPS
I have pleaged to put her feelings first (i.g. Part of our problems)This is part of the reason I have not told OMW so far. Even though that is only fair to all involved. I'm so exausted on making progress then one of us does somthin foolish. This is one heck of a rollercoaster. One that I pray I only ride onceas I pray for all of you.

Thanks, Believer, O, WAID, OG, CA123, ML, 1FM You folks are great

know - It is absolutely, positively necessary to tell the OM's wife. Yes, your wife will be furious, but just do it.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. Shine the light on this one.

Hey Believer,
You bet she needs to know. There is 4 of us involved and only three know. I have tryed to contact her, but he knows my numbers and has intercepted my messages. I know this since I was confronted last night by my wife as to why I was calling there. I simply told her that if he dosn't have the ***** to inform her that I would do it for him. MW told me that it was not my place. I agreed but held my guns. I also told that this was not a act to hurt them just to start the healing prosses for all of us.

Implementing Plan A day 1; Good Start
Will keep it up.

"Look to the horizon, only there will you find the light"

Have A Good'un (I am)

Just keep on trying to inform the wife. They have to be a work sometime. Make sure you do this. If you can't afford the house payments can you get a roommate? That is what I did.

I just hope that he dosn't beat me to the punch. It was good to watch her paddle last night. She is still swimming on it as well. I was told his reaction was "Good". I find this dificult to believe because he is so coniving.

The house is gone now.