bad enough my wife had sex with the man
she used no protection
i want to ask her to get checked but i know she will refuse
add to that the though of wanting and touching another man and him touching her
how do you recover and want to touch your wife again when all you can think about is he has been all over her and her him
i just cant get passed it
oh, and she expects me to stay married to her and allow her to have him as a boyfriend and have sex just like one of her best friends.
it is just so wrong
i so want to tell her friends husband
she has no right to do this to him
why should we be loving supporting husbands when they do this to us
want someone to say you look nice today go call your boyfriend
want someone to say good job losing 5lbs this week
go call your boyfriend you talk all sweet to and say how damn sexy his tattoos are
wtf are they thinking?
i have a killing migrane headache from all of this and she came to bed a touched my forhead to "make it feel better"
yeah it does but that same hand was down her boyfriends pants just the otherday
get it off my face
wtf are you thinking\
how can one overcome all these thoughts?
went to see spiderman with her and my son
30 minutes into the movie she says she has to go to the bathroom
ok, no problem
30min later my son is freaking out because mom hasnt come back yet
he goes to look for her and finds her outside smoking and talking to her boyfriend on her cell phone
tried to simply have 2 hours of family time and this crap happens
wtf?
and i am so mad at her saying well i meet him first so we have history together
yeah and that means what?
that we have nothing?
if i meet you first i would beat him at something?
it doesnt justify anything
i have begged her not to call him just for a week or even 2
she wont do it
has 7 yrs ment nothing?
i am getting a settlement in the next few months
she thinks expects!! me to give her $$ from it so she can go buy a condo for her and a boyfriend (and his wife and 3 kids to i guess?)
if she gets a dime it will be 2k to pay for movers to get her stuff out
ha ha ha me finance her and her boyfriends relationship
does she really think she has the same status as a faithful wife right now?
if i accept her terms of her having him as a boyfriend she stays with me
if not i am supposed to pay her to leave
wtf???
havent called his wife yet or the wife of the one before or anyone else
if it gets any worse i am busting it right open and let everyone judge for themselves
good thing i am not a violent person or i am sure i would be in real trouble
going off my rocker wont make anything better but keeping it all in is going to kill me
i think it is time to call my doc and get medicated
thanks for letting me vent
just tell me
am i not alone in going thru all this craziness?
its like being in a bad dream and you cant wake up
the one you held most dear has turned into freddy kruger and ripping your heart out and making you go mad!!

Whoa Brokenbyte you guys need some boundaries. I'm still new to some of the concepts, but I konw that her calling her boyfriend while you guys are at the movies is a boundry breaker. Please some more experienced people get into this thread...Byte needs some good advice.

Don't lose your cool Byte.
Read Plan A until you know it like the back of your hand.
Read all about Love Busters (LB's) until you know them like the front of your hand.
Find Harleys Emotional Needs test print 2 copies and see if she'll take it with you. This will tell you some of the things your WW is getting from the OM besides sex. Its more than sex thought that alone is enough to make your "fucrious".
Dont lose your cool.

Stay cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> The more information you digest the more you will understand whats happening and losing control is usually a reaction of not understanding something. Once you understand "WHY" it will make you more level headed.

Believe me it works.

Vent away, broken. Most of us here have been there........

It prolly would be good to get on Anti-Deps' during this time. You shouldn't be torturing yourself now. Enough of that going around.

BTW - if there are people you need to tell (HIS W?, WW's family?) just go do it. ANything that brings the A out into the open can help burst their fantasy bubble.

Keep posting, it's good therapy, I can tell you!

God Bless,

Brokenbyte, I feel your pain. Especially the phone part and family time interrupted part. She is only thinking of one thing, you will have to be the one who thinks of the family. She will not, and will be easily distracted and distant.

Oh, and tell her friend.

Prayers are with you and please, do vent all you want, because you can't do it anywhere else I imagine.

brokenbyte, do you want your marriage back? If you do, then you need to expose this baby right now. Make a list of all key people in your circle of family and friends and call them up. Tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage and could use their support.

But before you do that, call the OM's W. Often just this step alone is enough to end the affair. Just know that the more exposed it is, the less likely it is to survive. It can't survive if it is revealed so don't help them hide their sleazy affair.

You also need to get into Plan A. This means no more lovebusters, i.e.: angry outbursts, disresepctful judgements and demands. This doesn't mean you just shut up and say nothing, it means you say something in a respectful, loving manner.

And then you do your best to meet her needs. What need is it that the OM fills for her? The premise behind this suggestion is bringing her back into the marriage by meeting her needs at home.

thank you all very very much!
the only demand i have made is for her not to call him.
she said she will not stop
she also has said several times if i did call him or his wife she we leave me PERIOD!
I outwardly towards her have remained fairly calm (except) for crying of course. She tells me I am blackmailing her emotionally. I asked her how and she said it was because i am so calm about this. I told her i indeed was not calm. The first 2 days I was a total wreck and cried and asked her what did i do wrong and i understood that it was both our fault. (had read here about it all) She is in fact upset that i came/come here for help and refuses to come here or read anything. She said how our situation is unique and cant learn anything here. (i am to understanding i am tellin ya. towards her anyway)
I want us to work thru this.
i want nothing more than to have her back and for us both to be happy!!
But i know for a fact that if i told ANYONE about what is going on (she is mad i do it here) that she will walk out the door. He has a wife and 3 kids and would blame ME for wreaking their marriage. when i personally think he did when he slept with my wife.
I sooo want to call his wife or him but i know if i did my wife would throw me or her move out the very next day. no doubt. so what do i do?

BB, if she wanted to leave, she would have already left. On the other hand, your marriage is practically over if you don't end this affair. And it won't be ended if you don't pick up the phone and start exposing it. NOW! The more you help hide it, the longer it will last.

So don't delay, call the woman today!

I *THINK* this is from SYMC, but I thought it was really good:

5. Expose the affair. This is one of the hardest things for me to convince people to do. And it is the one of the most essential moves you can make – if not the most essential. This is more important than all the things listed above. If you do those and ignore this you are enabling the affair by making it safe and easy. Affairs are addictions that flourish in the dark and hidden places. They are fantasies built on deceit – of both the exterior world and the inner consciousness of the participants. Often times it is only with exposure that affairs end.
Tell – Your family, your straying spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, your church family, the affair partner’s family, friends, and colleagues. Now, this is not an opportunity to bash your wayward mate or the affair partner. This is a plea for help. Here’s what you say, “ My spouse is having an affair with <use the name>. I love him/her. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together. Please encourage him or her to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with <affair partner> and recommit to our marriage.

It is of critical importance that you tell the spouse of the affair partner, if he or she is married. This is by far one of the quickest ways to end an affair in progress. And that is the goal of Intervention. No matter what other things you do to heal your marriage you are doomed to failure as long as the affair continues.

Often people tell me they just can’t take this step because it is “mean.” They forget to look past the immediate present and the instincts driving them to the larger picture. The Intervention Phase is not about making the straying mate feel good, it’s about Intervening in an affair in order to protect the marital union. To do that, the unfaithful partner is going to feel bad about the steps you need to take. It only makes sense – they are doing something that grievously endangers the marriage and you are trying to stop that process. If your spouse is having an affair they are caught in the web of addiction. It is up to you to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to protect the marriage from that sickness. This is not being “mean” it is honoring your commitment to your marriage.

Timing: Immediately.

Nope, don't let her throw you out...she leaves if it comes to that.

Yes, call his W, do it right now. Don't believe her, and don't keep this dirty little secret for them. You are too good a person, and she is too good a person for you to allow to continue to lie.

Let this be step one, step two, don't 'tell' her to stop calling OM, say to her that when she calls OM it hurts you, your son, and his family. This is wrong and hurting many people. Basically grit your teeth and bear it, for now. Let her know it bothers you, but you can't 'make' her stop something, or love you back. But you can be loving in ways that she needs, and show her the best side of you.

Plan A is about 1. Exposure 2. Meeting her ENs 3. Cutting out ALL LBs

Friend please remember you have rights in your marriage. My wife gave me grief for exposing my knowledge of the A with the OM as well. Its what had to be done, because as long as they are together you have practically "NO CHANCE". This is your W and the OM loses his W because he's a cheater, sorry but so be it.

Look at it this way. He's destroying your M and doesn't care about the effect it has on your C's or you. Your W may be upset and leave, personally I think she would be upset for a while and get over it. If you ever reconcile she will love you for it, if you don't reconcile she might resent you for it, but eventually she'll have to respect you for it.

It sounds to me like youR W wants you to fly off the handle so she can have an excuse for her actions, but you're smarter than that. Don't let her threats immobilize you. Your W is the one in the wrong and so is OM because I'm sure he knows she's M to you.

Take Care and I hope you can get my point, but also read other opinions on this issue. I feel I'm giving you good advice, but there are always differing opinions.

Expose the affair to everyone.

If she leaves, let her. But do NOT allow her to take your son with her. He stays with the parent who is not breaking up the marriage. He stays in his home with the parent who is not commiting adultery.

If she tries to convince you to leave, politely say, "no." You have done nothing wrong. Neither you nor your son should be uprooted from your home. Stand firm on this without LBs.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> Expose the affair to everyone.

If she leaves, let her. But do NOT allow her to take your son with her. He stays with the parent who is not breaking up the marriage. He stays in his home with the parent who is not commiting adultery.

If she tries to convince you to leave, politely say, "no." You have done nothing wrong. Neither you nor your son should be uprooted from your home. Stand firm on this without LBs.

~ Snow </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DITTO!

what if i tried to plsy the nice guy (in my mind)
and call him and say end it now with my wife.
Ever tell mine and I will tell your wife.
I am giving you a chance, take it.
I do know he is fvearful I will tell her.
Will this work?
Has anyone tried this?
WHat is there to loose?
She said she would leave if i did.
Hell, being with him already is the same.

She has been asking for days for me to go to dinner out with our son. I have a blinding migrane from stress over this and popping 120mg oxy every 3 hours (usually every 4) just so my head doesnt explode. It has been only the last 3 days I can keep food down (almost) Loat 12 lbs since this affair started 2 weeks in my world (2 weeks since they meet face to face, who knows what happened in email and on the phone before)(last 1 was in dec-feb. over i was told. but how can you really know?). She expects me to go along like the normal hubby why she is doing this. Still asking this and that. Surely signs she loves me? She still says i love you ending telephone calls. Surely we have a chance. I just wont be in a relationship where my wife has a boyfriend like some of her friends(of course their husbands dont know they have one)
Anyway...
I asked her not to call to relieve some of my stress. It would be just nice to know they had not talked today. I even had her promise. Well, they talked alright. Stupid for me to actually want to believe her i know but i was hoping, just hoping.
She gets support from all her girlfriends and everyone of them is either having an affair or leaving their husbands. EVRYONE!
This cant be healthy!
It has been interesting being on the sidelines.
These girls think and give guys more credit than we deserve. They twist up stories and we are just supposed to know what they are thinking.
Red means green and stop means go and when i called him an [censored] he should have known he was hurting my feelings that time and this and...
They spend more time examing their lives than living them. Just stop and smell the roses people. Nothing is perfect! There is no perfect relationship. Having an abusive person man or woman beating you is one thing but folks, there is the same amount of dog dodo in everyones backyard. There are happy times and sad ones. Running away when there are bad times wont fix anything. (my story is complicated as i am sure everyones is. i have more detail posted here
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004482)
but the nice folks there said i would get more answers i need here.

call my wifes bf and say to stop or?
he has a wife and 3 kids, alot to loose
do i give him a chance not to blow it?
am i not the one thinking more clearly than him even though i sam going mad?
i can not thank all you people enough!
((((((((((((((to all of you for being here for us all)))))))))))))))))

Now that you know how it feels, if I were you, I would call the husband's of these "friends" who were leaving them for another. These men deserve to know what is going on and protect themselves.

You need to remember that you're not talking to sane people. They're not thinking with their brains. Logic has gone right out the door.

Obviously your wife threatening you to not tell this man's wife shows that she has no confidence in this relationship. She's afraid he'll stay with his family. And he will. If not, he would have already left.

I would advise against forewarning this guy what is about to happen. He could just tell his wife a story about some stalker who is dillusional. It could close down her response to the situation.

When you turn on the light, the roach will run for cover...guaranteed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brokenbyte:
<strong>

call my wifes bf and say to stop or?
he has a wife and 3 kids, alot to loose
do i give him a chance not to blow it?
am i not the one thinking more clearly than him even though i sam going mad?
i can not thank all you people enough!
((((((((((((((to all of you for being here for us all))))))))))))))))) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BB, whose side are you on here? Yours or the OM?? Because I honestly can't tell the difference! He already HAS blown it, now don't you blow it too by not telling his W. You absolutely shouldn't blackmail him or even talk to him. You hand over ALL your ammunition for ending the affair if you forewarn him.

Blackmailing him won't work at all. He can easily take away all your ammunition by telling his W that some jealous, insane nut is accusing him of chasing his wife. That way if you ever did call the W, she would already be brainwashed into thinking you are a nut.

Stop helping him hide his affair with your W. If you want to end this affair, your best bet is telling his W. Not only would it probably end the affair, but you have a moral obligation to warn her that her H is destroying her behind her back so can protect herself and her children from him. She has a RIGHT to know the truth about her own life, BB, and telling her is your best chance of ending the affair.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

BB, what your feeling is pretty normal. I know that isn't much help, but it will pass and you'll be able to function better.

If you haven't seen a Dr. yet, get some Anti-D's. They will help you.

I can tell you are grasping for anything to help stop this A with your wife. Someone on here told me once that what we should be doing is the opposite of what we feel like doing.

When I look back, they are right.

i just cant do it
she has said over and over if i called and talked to his wife that she would leave
i asked her several times
i said "was that a threat" and she would say
"i am just talking, it's not a threat"
the very last time i asked her she said the same thing and i said who can you not say it is not a threat
she said, "well, i guess it is"
she wants nothing more than for me to be the one to end our marriage
i dont know if it is because she does love me or fears being the "baddy"
it's always for me to walk out "go pack your bags she says"
i think once she said she was actually going.
i am going to have to think real hard on this one, real hard

oh, this is what is getting me. we will be somewhere and of course i am sad right now.
she will look at me and ask "whats wrong"
i will look at her and say what do you think is wrong, this hasnt gone away. I cant accept you having a boyfriend, wtf. she's like get over it. this is the way i want it and if you dont like it leave.???
something has to bust her love bubble with him
do i wait a few days and see if they screwup amd get caught or call?
i have to think hard. i know you all say it is the right thing to do but i am not in my right mind to do it.
did any of you call as soon as you founf out or did you ask for them to stop or wait a little while or?
i already know they have made plans to get together in a few months
do i wait then and call his wife and meet her and we both go knocking on their hotel door?
ha ha ha ha, that woukld be better than a call no?
the evil part in my head says bring all the kids with but i would never do that in a million years. they are already messed up. just want to drive it home that this is not just allabout them u know?
thanks again folks.
i am off to keep my kewl and call the doc for some anti dep. i am sure it will take a few days before i can get in.
any suggestions on what meds work for you?
my wife is on zoloft. all that did was make her emotionless to me but not anyone else.
sounds like what i need actually.
before zoloft she was a very angry person one minute and nice the next. she has been that way since we meet.
our 8yr aniv. is comming up in a month. do i plan something nice or? i was going to take her to san fran and see momma mia but now? would it just upset her? will she leave half way thru to call her boyfriend? ha ha ha ha man this situation is not one i ever wanted. my first wife did this to me. i learned alot from our 11 years together. almost 8 with this one and??
rambling
i will let you all know what happens next on planet pluto, or whatever planet this is i am on.
((((((hugs to you all))))))))

You asked
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do i plan something nice or?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that depends on which plan you are in. Dr. Harley and MB has a set of plans outlined in Surviving an Affair that gives the BS tools for dealing with an A, and helping to stop it.

Plan A is the first plan and has three parts, 1. meet her EN's. Don't know what they are? Think back to things she's complained about over the years.
2. Cut out ALL LB's. Which are your worst, and cut them out.
3. Expose the A. Yes, she'll be angry, she's already told you. Yes, she may leave, an impulsive decision if you ask me, and one she will regret, but exposure helps the A see the light of day. A's THRIVE in secrecy. You are keeping her dirty little secret for her by not exposing it.

You want this to end soon? Follow the Plan by the book. It works!! Do not call OM until AFTER you've talked with his W (if you talk with him at all) it can only turn ugly. Don't wnat to do it right now? That's OK, give yourself a day you will call, then do it. You are postponing the inevitable and sitting and worrying about it, Just Do It!

The sooner you expose the A, the sooner the A will begin to spiral out...you are helping the A thrive!!!

bb-trust me...I feel your pain...very same situation...she won't give up the boyfriend, although her claim is they are just "pals" at this point. She admitted to me that she wanted to jump in the sack with him at the beginning, but now claims that he doesn't want to sleep with her because she's married, and she won't sleep with him. I asked her what he knows and she tells me he knows everything, but then when I ask her if he knows that I still love her dearly and want to rescue my marriage she doesn't say much. I'm pretty confident the whole story isn't there. I don't know what to believe at this time, but even if it is only an EA right now, with her moving out (announcement came last night) she's free to pursue additional time with him (not that she hasn't spent every damn moment of her time with him even while living with me!!)

I mentioned again last night as we talked about the separation plans about calling him and she again threatened divorce if I did. I know many out here have advised me to contact him, preferrably by letter (as well as his parents...stupid kid lives at home!) I haven't been able to work up the nerve, though. Part of me says do it and call her bluff, she's leaving anyway. However, I have to look at the big picture...yes, it may help break up the affair, but the problem isn't necessarily with this guy, it's with her. She's the one lying to him, she's the one who doesn't want to commit to the marriage yet. I've exposed it to everyone I know and I still may talk to the kid, but I haven't made the decision just yet.

I'm sorry if I don't have any grand advice for you. I'm new to the site and this situation (going on about 5 weeks now) so maybe some more experienced members would have other advice, but you have to do what you think is right, too. I have gotten conflicting advice from several people so I take it all in and try to apply what I feel is right and just pray...just keep on praying...

I sympatize, though...worlds of hurt...

BB-

I put off exposure for months. The people on this board told me that I needed to do it. I was sure my H would leave me...he'd said it many many times. So I was terrified and didn't expose.

I told myself that if I had a chance to expose wihtout much hassle I'd do it. I had driven by FOW's house many times and prayed her H would be outside. I would just stop and tell him. I couldn't do that either. One day I ran into him. So I did it...I just told him in a calm voice and provide tangible evidence so he couldn't dispute this in his mind.

I won't go into the details that followed but I will tell you that the day I exposed to FOW's H is the day I list as the start of my recovery. That's how quickly exposure will work.

It lifted my H's fog so fast his head was spinning. He will never forgive himself for the pain he caused me and our children.

I am hoping you make the right decision here...that decision will save your marriage.

You can do this..it hurts and it's terrifying but you can do this.