i have searched for plan a and b
where are they here?

You should read, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also, read the links below.

Hi B-Byte,

First, I'm terrible sorry you're going thru this nightmare. You don't deserve this horrific treatment.

I'm another MB'er here STRONGLY recommending you expose, it's badly overdue.

Why in the world are you protecting your wife and OM. It's a form of soft-enablement to NOT expose. I know it's hard, I know you think she'll be mad at you and/or leave. What does that matter right now, she is not your wife right now anyway.

If you don't expose you can expect this affair and this unfair treatment of you and your marriage to go on and on. They have no compelling reason to end it, it's just too fun for them, feels too good.

If you need help thinking of BIG reasons to expose, think about what your son is seeing and learning watching your wife ditch you and him during family time simply to have a chatty with the OM.

Believe me, I can imagine your wife thinks you're going to be there for her come hell or high water WHEN SHE'S DONE PLAYING AROUND. I'll also venture to guess she KNOWS you will never expose, she's banking on it.

I say show her you are STANDING for your marriage.

Much strength,
Jo

well i went ahead and called his wife
exchanged about 5 words and that was it
then who knows what happened
he then called my wife who then packed her car and my son a left
she said i told you if you called we were over.
well guys, i guess she ment it
my wife and son are gone
now what should i expect?
i was fairly calm thru the entire thing
i asked her to please stop
i would go because our son was freaking out
she said i would never see him again
i said 7 years, it cant just end like this
she said i ended it when i made the call
she said he and his wife would kaeup and be fine but my marriage was no over and asked for a divorce.
she went to her friends who are all doing the same thing
again, she is getting the wrong support i think
what do i do now?
start packing and finding an apartment?
it truley bites as i know i will not be able to keep my dogs which i have had for 7-8yrs and have to either find them a home or have them put down.
whats next besides drinking heavily?

bb

Take a deep breath. This is a long way from over. You just took a very positive step in exposing the A to the OM's wife.

Did she believe you? Did she already know? Could she confirm anything? Did she deny?

At any rate, there is a really good chance that your WW just left in a panic, because she didn't know what else to do.

Now is when you exercize Plan A to the MAX. Plan A your A$$ off. Plan A like you've never done anything else before in your life.

The OM is going to probably have a reaction at his home too. The OM may get threatened that his W is LEAVING him, and he may have second thoughts about the Affair being such a great deal, if he has to give up all he has at home.

If you have a close friend for support, get with him tonight. Otherwise stay here and post. Friday nights can get slow, but folks come and go. Have a talk with your God, whoever he is. Draw from your inner strength, and KNOW in your heart you have done the right thing.

Read more about Plan A and understand it to the Nth degree. It will become your life for the foreseeable future, if you wish to save your marriage.

Don't panic. Don't do anything rash. Your W has some thinking to do, and you need to be the Safe Haven for her in these stormy times.

You will survive this!

SD

BB, don't panic, you did the right thing. Your marriage was over if you DIDN'T tell the OMW. Your wife is just mad because you exposed her dirty little secret. She can get over being mad, but you can't ever recover your marriage if the affair is still going on.

What did the OMW say? What did you tell her?

BB, and whatever you do, don't move out. You don't need to go anywhere. She has to be the one to leave if she thinks she wants to separate. And I also wouldn't let her take your son out away. He shouldn't suffer because of her affair.

should i try and call my wife now or tonight?
she now says she is leaving only the weekend and is demanding a time be given to my son to see him because he is freaking out.
She usually leaves our son with me when she needs to deal with things/ What about me telling her she has to watch him right now so i can have some mental time? i say a week, he will be ok for that time. she wants me to have my stuffed packed by the time she gets home on?
if not she will most likely have an army of her girlfriends to clean out the house if not. i lost ALL my belongings with my 1st marriage and will not stand by this time and watch myself get looted.
again, should i be talking to her? she just tried to call 3 times in a row? i talked to our son once to reassure him all is ok.
i have begged her to telol me what she needs. over and over, she cant tell me. she usually shuts down and goes to bed.

BB, I don't understand. Where is your W? I wouldn't call her. I would stay home and keep your son there. If she wants to leave, let her leave.

Don't react to her tantrum. Just tell her that you love her and don't want to see her leave, but you won't stop her. No begging, no pleading, no crying. She will calm down.

no, she packed the car with all she could and took our son with her
thinking back about making the call several things went thru my mind
she has been unhappy for some time and i know i have put her thru hell with my health problems
it's hard to see someone in pain for so long.
here is a link with more info
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004482
part of me said this will put her over that edge so she can leave and be freed of having the burden of taking care of me
i love her dearly and want her to be truely happy
the other was this is not healthy for anyone involved
it just is not right
if i expose the affair i pray it will stop and healing can begin
while it continues only unhealthy feelings develope
i talked to my best friend a few days ago for about 15 minutes.
it has been hard becuase he has lived several states away for a few years now.
he is bizy keeping his family together. he said he would call back but he hasnt
i knew he wouldnt. this is something hard to deal with
i talked to my sister. she really doesnt know what to say except she is sorry
in a last ditch effort i called my parents. my mom answered and i told her and she said hang in there
she then told my father about it. i asked to talk to him but he wouldnt. she then rushed me off the phone.
i called back an hour later asking to talk to my dad and if i could keep 5 boxes of my valuables at their house. again my dad wouldnt talk to me because of disapointment and my mom said hang in there and hung up again.
thats all the people i have to talk to for support or anything. (except you nice folks)
my parents are so judgemental. i would have rather died than make the call but i had no more options.
my wife has our only car
she took all the money
i cant hoof-it (walk) anywhere because of medical issues
i am truely alone in my life now
the only thing keeping me here is thinking about my son (9yr old)
the hardest thing to go thru in life and i am facing it all alone
if i make it out of this alive nothing will ever send me for a loop again.
one thing i have learned
no matter what my kid(s?) ever do the door will always be open to them
they never will have to live in the street
i dont care what they have done the door is open
will be back later
my head is gonna split from a migrane
was so bad yesterday i wanted to go to the hospital but couldnt handle the though of the drive there. arggggggg

Please excuse my candor but is this woman a leach? WTH is going on here? I'll take your money and whatever you own but I'll live my own life thank you very much....UGH.
You marry for better or worse, richer or poorer in SICKNESS or in health...RIGHT?

Of course, I'm not married to anyone quite so cold and calculating but I could never even imagine being in such a desperate situation so if I sound ignorant, maybe I am. However, I can spot cruelty a mile away.

The fact that you seem very isolated and she is basically your only "friend" is not only sad but it is tragic. Simply because no one in your condition should be left alone to fend for themselves, let alone treated so poorly. It is just a disgrace.
She is definitely in one of the thickest fogs I've ever seen!
I do understand that the fact that you obviously depend on her a great deal is what has caused the delay in your outting the A, which in itself is a shame but the fact that she is not only causing the wreckage of one marriage but two, makes her actions completely irrational.
I've gone back and read almost all of your posts and feel the need to ask you if you are addicted to your pain medication? Under the sircumstances this is to say the least very dangerous, esspecially now in your mental state.
If you don't have a friend to talk to, what about a minister or priest? Even if you do not belong to any particular church as a "member", if there is one in your area or close by, perhaps they have some sort of outreach who may at least be able to give you some moral support at this time.

Posting here will help you to release your thoughts and get some feedback but you need support on the front lines to deal with situation and most definitely need a GOOD lawyer to keep her and her looting friends out of your home. It is YOUR home too remember?

BB, I am so sorry you are so down tonight. Hopefully, she will calm down and come home. Don't give up hope. I know it seems bleak right now, but you had no hope at all by helping her hide her secret.

What did the OMW say?

BB:

Dude. Chill. You did the right thing exposing the affair. Trust me. Your mission in life right now is three fold. Just focus on these three things. If you want to save your marriage, spare your kid, and look back one day and KNOW you did the right thing, the best you could possibly do, than you need to focus on three things.

* ONE: TRY TO MEET AS MANY OF YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS AS YOU CAN

* TWO: DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO END THE AFFAIR. Short of killing the guy or doing something that will get you arrested. INFLUENCE THE ENDING OF THIS AFFAIR!!!!

* THREE: DO WHAT YOU CAN TO START ADDRESSING THE NEGLECTED PARTS OF YOURSELF

Most affairs end within 2 years. The problem is, most betrayed spouses (you) say to hell with that, much sooner. Most of us cannot take this crap for 2 years. And everyday that goes on in while she is in the affair, lessons the chances of your marriage surviving. In other words, for every day that went by, it went from 50% chance, to 49% chance, to 48% chance, to 47% chance, etc., etc., etc. as each day ebbs by.

In relation to need #1, what is the need you have NOT met that has prompted her to do this evil evil evil cruel thing? I am not saying you are responsible, but now it is really healthy to focus on the things you can control. And right now, you really CAN control how you act, despite her childish, selfish, destructive actions.Read up on plan A, start doing it like a plan A disciple, and figure out what she has been missing in your marriage and GIVE IT TO HER!!!

In relation to need #2, Wayward spouses (WS) have big fat tantrums when the betrayed spouse (BS) outs the affair. Penny Tuper from SYMC (the other marriage site) literally likens the reaction to exposure to a nuclear fallout. They will yell and carry on and threaten and make ultimatums, and claim it is over, blah blah blah blah. And it will feel really scary. But at least you bumped your chances back up to 48%. I mean, it is worth the risk.

What kind of chance would you have had if you did nothing? Do you want an open marriage? Is that the kind of life you want with her forever? Stepping away from the thanksgiving table to make a call to the boyfriend of the week? Missing christmas morning with your kid because she is sitting on someone other than santa's lap making sordid wishes? Getting the clap... or worse. Worrying about unwanted pregnancies? Worrying about the kind of example on marriage you are going to make for your son, that he will model his adult relationships after one day? Maybe she would not have left, but, say, a year from now, would YOU still be here????? From your post from today, I suspect no, either that or you would have an anurism (sp). So you must get busy ending this thing. So, now that you have told the OM's Wife, get busy telling your family, the friends that will support your marriage, her family, and anyone else that you think will help you end this thing. In fact, by waiting, I think it just slipped down another percent or two. Besides, you have already pissed her off, might as well get it all over with in one fell swoop. And when she yells and screams and asks why you did that, you can tell her you love her so much, you reached out to the people who have mattered in your life together, to ask them to support your efforts at retaining your marriage, and saving your son from a heaping of pain and suffering. A true, and very noble cause.

In relation to #3, dude. No heaving drinking. This will be the hardest damn thing you ever do in your entire life. Everything will seem like the last straw. You will overanalyze every move she makes. You will endure excrutiating emotional pain. You will most likely lose focus at work, lose weight, and cry or rage or just feel like you need the padded room on a minute by minute basis. You need your wits about you. Plus, all this TREMENDOUS amount of stress is taking a real, chemical, biological toll on your body. GET ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS IMMEDIATELY. I used to think only wack jobs got on anti-d's, people who could not handle their emotions, or hypochondriacs. Well, I was dead wrong. I promise you I would have done something really really stupid had I not done this. It saved my life. Kept me from losing job. Kept me from killing myself. Allowed me to be there for my kids when a few weeks before I could barely be there for myself. Allowed me to chill out a little bit, and start looking for some positive in my life again, something I never ever thought I would be able to do again.

One more piece of advice. Come here and read like a freak...and actually APPLY THE WISDOM THAT IS SHARED BY STEVE HARLEY. In fact, I seriously recommend that your hire him or Penny Tuper at SYMC. They will take what they know about recoverying marriages from adultery, and customize it to your situation, keeping you, your wife, and your future and past in mind with the gameplan they devise for you. AND THEN DO IT!!!!! IT will seem wrong. Crazy. Will seem like you launched the nukes and purposefully trashed your marriage, but it DOES work. It will seem totally lost, and then it will be just enough to make your wife pull her head out of her you know what, and come back to you to start the REALLY REALLY hard work of recovery.

Also. YOU DO NOT NEED TO MOVE AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE WITHOUT YOUR KID. If you are worried about your emotionally unstable wife coming home and stealing all your stuff. Change the locks. That is not to say that she can't break a window, or change them back, or insist on access to the house, because she has equal rights to the house, but few emotionally wacked out wayward spouses know that. I changed the locks on the house, and my otherwise intelligent wayward husband had no idea that theoretically I could not refuse him access to the property. He was too busy HAVING an affair to know semi-smart stuff like that.

Hang in there. It is not new or unusual or hopeless what is happening here...totally normal, if that comforts you in any way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

I am trying to figure why they are so afraid of the OM's wife finding out...

(And it is fear that is her motive for making threats and leaving etc.)

Is the OM's wife holding the purse strings, or is she connected to the mob or what?

There must be some reason.

Maybe she knows that when it comes out in the open the wife will kick him out and he will have to live elsewhere, pay support...and the fun and games will be over. She will not get to have her cake and eat it too.

I think you did the right thing. Let this play out.

she came back in the middle of the night
angry at me for sure but ?
today her cell phone rang with her bf home number.
she said it was his wife and him wanting to talk to her for sure.
i asked her to not call.
she said she had the right to call and talk to her
"whatever!"
anyway, she left and called the number back on her cell
i called and left my wife a voicemail saying honesty is the only thing that is going to save us and i must know what was said!
when she came back she "sort of said" she apoligized to them or whatever.
i am giving her this one last chance to be honest with me!
i feel in my heart she is not telling me the truth and made up some story to his wife that i am some jealous husband or something.
she thinks the only evidence i have is her telling me what she did.
well, i have emails, recordings of phone calls and voicemails
NONE of which can simply be twisted into i am just a jealous husband in any way at all.
if i EVER get a hint of this man again or learn that she did lie and spin the jealous husband story i am going to give her and her bf wife a copy and see what then they have to say. i will never mention it to her and hope to never have to. i hope they can stay locked up to be never used!
BUT, if they have choosen to dig their hole even deeper... god help them
also on top of that i also now have one of her friends on my side that knows that having a bf/gf while promised to another is just not right.
if she gets wind of anything she said she would let me know. she herself has gone thru this and knows what it is like and refuses to see it happen to another.
i am off to read plan a hard over and over to do my job so this never happens to us again.
there is already enough pain to go around.
i will let you know how things progress and folks, i can't thank you enough for the advice and being here.
(((((((((((( hugs to all ))))))))))))

BB, you might want to touch base with the OMW again just to make sure she has the right story. As long as she understands the problem she can deal with it. And you do have a right to know what she said to your W, this concerns your marriage. And keeping in contact with the OMW will help ensure the affair ends.

I am glad for you that she came back. You sound much better today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bb, I agree with Melody Lane (my favorite poster). Her husband may just convince her that you are some nut and nothing is going on. Contact her again but not from your home phone. She may not pick up if she sees your number.
Call when he is not at home and tell her of your evidence. Don't let this man get away with this! I know it may not seem like it now but you did the right thing. Your wife will see that he's not so committed to her and that he's been using her. It'll break that addiction, clear that fog and one day she will thank you.

Thank you, jph! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

well my wife came here today
i guess she has been reading my every thought i have put down here
i once went to a board she also ventured to
id didnt read her posts but she read mine there
she said i ruined the place for her because i used it as well
i told her that i had looked around and posted at others but they where real ugly folks
so i went to hers and used an entirely different part of it
she said i ruined it and she never returned
well i guess i can say the same thing now as i am no longer safe here
i told her i had found this place and urged her to read
i had hoped it would be about fixing what has happened
this is a very large place and reading here for just a few hours and finding my posts
she was just looking for me
just to read my thoughts
how naked i feel
she was asking and asking who i called today and then she finally said she saw what i posted
it was because she was angry and is angry about the call i made to bf house
she said i betrayed her trust
i lied to her when i said i would not call her
what can i say
did i make others misarable because i did?
you bet
now i am not the only one i guess?
or perhaps, it WAS the RIGHT thing TO DO!
thank you all again
i guess i am on my own on this from here on out
i wish life could just be simple

peace, god bless and my best wishes for you all
brokenbyte...

Ok, so one more post

babydoll...
if you are reading this
just know, i truely love you
i always have and i always will
i am very sorry this had to happen to us
i truely just wanted us to be happy forever
if we can mend things i will again will be the happiest man in the world and you the happiest woman
if not, i can at least thank god for the time we have had together.
bill