Things have been going ok, but my Mom's trip here was a nightmare, wherein we had a huge fight and she confronted WH, etc. but that's a long story.

Yesterday, I was talking to WH before he left for work (he works nights right now) and asked him what time he ended up going to bed. He said right after he talked to me in the morning. When I got home from work, I checked the computer and found a bunch of hidden files containing porn that he downloaded yesterday for an hour and a half after we talked. Why the lies? I asked him why he lied to me and he was VERY angry with me saying that he didn't think it was a lie, he just didn't think he should tell me when he does that so as to not hurt my feelings. So, we had a huge fight about honesty. We ended up working it out, but today I'm just totally down.

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel any trust for him at all. I just don't know if I want to continue living this way forever. I guess a small part of me wants to give up totally. He says how much he loves me and tries to show me, but I'm so freakin' hurt that I'm having a hard time getting over it. Yesterday he was short on the phone with me again and that really hurts my feelings. I don't see him much when he's on nights, so I like to chat for a bit and make myself feel better, hopefully getting some LB deposits. He ended up taking them away.

I guess I'm just VERY depressed today. I just want to give up on everything. I'm taking anti-d's, but have been extremely depressed and crying (I almost called off work because of it, but WH cuddled, talked and tried to get me up and around, saying it wasn't good for me to lay in bed all day and be depressed). I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of being scared of being hurt again. I'm so tired of not trusting anyone. I want to give up, but I love him so much. I feel my heart is just tearing out of my chest.

Yikes - you need to stay in Plan A. Sorry that you are going through this. I really thought that you both could do this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by halseybach:
<strong>


I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel any trust for him at all. I just don't know if I want to continue living this way forever. I guess a small part of me wants to give up totally. He says how much he loves me and tries to show me, but I'm so freakin' hurt that I'm having a hard time getting over it.

I guess I'm just VERY depressed today. I just want to give up on everything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Except for the anti-d's you sound exactly like my BW.

I hope your H loves you as much as I love my W.

I called WH on the way home from work and told him everything that I wrote in my original post. He just listened to me and didn't interrupt at all and I made sure I wasn't attacking him, just letting him know what I was feeling and that I'm tired of trying to pretend everything is ok. I told him I need to talk about my feelings on occasion. I told him that I need more affection and for him to meet more of my EN's. When I stopped home before picking up the kiddies, he was waiting for me and proceeded to show me how much he loves me. It made me feel good. When i got to work today, I had an email from him saying that he wanted to spend time alone with me tonight (no t.v., no computer games, etc.) and that he loved me. I love getting those emails. Any little communication from him, whether note, email or anything, makes me feel really good because it shows that he's thinking about me.

So, I'm doing better today. I still feel all those things that I originally wrote down, but they're not crushing me today as bad as yesterday. I'm feeling a bit stronger and will try to hang on a bit longer.

I'm worried about OW calling my cell to tell me the results of her STD check. We found out that I have an STD now (HPV = genital warts, without the warts, the cancer causing kind) and WH thinks she gave it to him. She is supposed to call me to tell me the results. I don't want to talk to her. I'm not going to answer my phone.

I would not talk with OW. How can you believe her? If she is the one that passed it, she may just say the results were negative. Forget about her, and concentrate on your marriage.

I feel the same many days. especially yesterday i felt this way , it comes and goes. some days i just am so angry. why am i the one who is feeling like thsi when I did NOT commit the A it wasnt even a choice i made yet i'm the one left tofeel unsafe, untrustworthy , susupious. it sucks. my H still works with the oW so most days i'm suspoius of what goes on and its hard then other days (like so far today) i'm feeling good about our marraige and things. my h also still lies at times and i dotn understand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> no real answers just letting you know i'm there wtih ya

sorry double post

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>