I am new here and I posted my story on a different thread. A very nice well-wisher advised me that I might want to post my story on this thread to get more feedback because I'm desparately looking for some insight. Here's my story:

About 3 years ago, I ran into a friend of mine at our children's school. I had known her since middle school and we used to live very close to each other. She has a son that's in the same grade that my son is in. I have 3 children that are 3, 7, and 9. She was devastated and going through a divorce. Her husband had been cheating on her & left her.

I took her in (she didn't live with us, she had her own home, but she stayed there all the time) and treated her like one of my family. At first, my husband got annoyed that she was there so much and I did too, but I always grew up thinking that you never kick a dog when it's down, so I put up with it.

She slept around a lot with any guy that we knew that was unattached. I don't personally care for that type of behavior, but I thought it all boiled down to low self-esteem and loneliness, so I made excuses for it, because I genuinely cared for her as a friend.

Well, as time went by, I noticed a marked closeness with my husband. I started trying to put the brakes on and have her not be around as often. He denied having any feelings for her other than friendship, and I was a complete idiot. I let her still keep coming around. Now I knew for sure the whole time they were having an affair, but I kept her close to me, because I knew that was my best chance to catch them. It was pretty obvious that they were messing around without me having any proof. My husband is one of those guilty-conscience type of people. It was all over his face and he started getting depressed.

I had gotten her a job where I work because she needed a steady good paying job, and she looked at me every day, even some days when she had been w/my husband the night before and never showed any kind of emotion or remorse.

I kept trying to find a way to catch them & then finally on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend this year, I got ahold of his cell phone before he erased his text messages and read them. I know that I was sure of the affair, but the confirmation was a killer. I went outside of my house & told her to get out quietly & quickly because my children were inside and I didn't want them knowing anything at that time. I intended to throw him out, but when it came down to it, I think I was too heart-broken, scared, and desparate to do it.

We decided we would try to work things out, but he wouldn't quit talking to her. She quit her job where I work & he & I worked on our relationship for about 2 weeks. I demanded that he have no contact with her, but I looked on his phone one night & saw where they had been talking at 4:30 in the morning. I told him to leave.

He left & went to a friend's house (I was amazed he didn't go straight to her). He kept telling me that he loved me, but he thought he might be in love with her and how wonderful the sex was between them. THAT HURT! He kept telling me that we've always had a great sex life, but this was different. I tried to tell him it always is when it's new & you have a deep passion for someone. He didn't see it.

After he was gone for a week, he advised me that he had nowhere to go (what about her?) and I told him that we could try living together but separate lives if he would like to try that. We have 3 small children and several bills we needed to pay off. We decided that we would keep them oblivious to everything except that we were having some difficulty getting along. He could go see her & I could get out & start seeing other people too. So, he started seeing her about 1 1/2 weeks ago without the pressure of hiding. It should've been a great week for them; you know, it's the honeymoon period, but he seemed to want to speak to me several times a day & text me all day.

This past weekend I went to spend the weekend with some friends of mine in Atlanta and he called me all weekend. Finally Saturday night he told me that he knows for sure now what he wants is for me & him to work things out & he just wants to find a way to make me happy. I told him to keep seeing her, because he needs to see her for what she is & the only way he's going to do that is to date her for a while. He told me he couldn't keep doing this & that I scared the h--l out of him Saturday night because he thought I was going to be with someone else and he was going to lose me.

I also told him Saturday night that I loved him & I couldn't look at him with somebody else, so when he went to move in with her we would have to invoke the no contact rule. He went crazy & kept saying that he would die if he couldn't have contact with me. He kept saying he couldn't not have something to do with me. I told him that I didn't want that either, but I am devastated & I have to be able to use something for some self preservation.

On Sunday, I came home & we spent the day with the kids and he kept telling me that he cared about her, but he wasn't even sexually attracted to her now. He told me that he had only thought about me all last week. I kind of knew that because of stuff he said to me all last week, but I find it hard to believe. He's been with her for 6 months now, and now all of a sudden he doesn't want her?. He told me that it wasn't what he thought it was, and that he probably wouldn't have thought that if he hadn't been able to see her without having to sneak. He said the sex and everything was very different and the one-on-one relationship wasn't right. He told me that he spent all week trying to figure out a way to break things off with her and that he just wants a chance with me.

He went to a party with her Sunday night (he didn't want to, but I didn't give him many options) and he broke it off with her. He did that with no prodding from me. I kept telling him he should keep seeing her so that he'd know what there really was between them (even though the thought of that ate me alive). I don't really know what he told her, but I know him and he's pretty non-confrontational, so I'm sure he didn't tell her that he's still in love with me, like he says. He keeps saying that she cried & cried and that he just kept telling her how things could never work between them and that he didn't want to live this way anymore. He wouldn't give me any more details of the conversation. He kept saying he was so tired & sleepy that he couldn't remember most of it (and I know that's horses--t). He says that he didn't want to hurt her worse (thanks, what about my feelings- lol). I told him the only way we could work it out is if he stays away from her. He said that he will and that they won't be contacting each other because it's over. He did say, however, if we see her out somewhere & we're with our kids and she's w/hers that he would speak because the kids still don't know anything & that would be odd considering they've played together for so long. I told him I'm not speaking to her. It's all I can do at this point to be non-violent. I won't do it, but I'd love nothing better than to beat her a--. I know that's no good answer, but I would be lying if I said the urge isn't there.

The problem is that he told me that he only wants to be with me sexually and that he really does want me, but he says that he's emotionally drained and so very tired right now. He keeps asking me to be patient and give him some space, but not to really back off because he needs me right now. I will say that he has been very broken up the last 5 weeks. He's a small guy & only weighed about 150 lbs soaking wet. He dropped to about 125 in 2 weeks time. He wouldn't eat or sleep and was working 60 hrs a week. All he did was cry and stay tormented. I know that sounds like I feel sorry for him, and maybe I do to an extint, but I've been with him so long, it's hard not to hurt for someone you love when you know they're genuinely hurting. He basically was bluntly honest about everything. Even things I wished I'd never have asked. He just didn't want to lose her and he didn't want to lose me either.

Now, he's saying the thought that I might be with someone else & never want anything else to do with him has opened his eyes. He says he can't deal with me and him not being together. Is this possible? I thought this would drag on for months & months. Could he really know his own mind that quickly? Am I just waiting on another disaster? How could he be so confused and then now be so clear? I don't think I could get him to do the no contact letter, but if he really stays away from her and I can confirm that, is it really something that I have to push? What should I think? Is it really possible that he really realized this quick that he wants me, or is he just afraid of losing his stability, so he'll try to keep me going?

I'm sorry this is so long and boring, but I had to tell it all to do it any justice. Please give me any thoughts, even if they're hateful, at this point, I'll take any insight anyone has. I'm going insane with the anxiety and hurt and desparation, and I can't let any of it show. I have a stressful job to do & 3 kids to take care of. Please, any ideas?

Dear Lost,

Welcome to GQII @ MB. Your story shows you have implemented many MB principles regardless of how difficult it was for you.

I recommend you and your H get with a good MC. Steve does counseling via the phone so you can do it from the comfort of your home.

Your situation is on it's way to recovery sooner than most. You have the right to be cautious but your actions opened his eyes quicker than most.

Please read the concept section above and if both can take the emotional needs questionnaire it w/b good. Read the good His needs/Her needs by Dr W. Harley.

all the best.... quite proud of you. Keep posting for support and use the tools provided here @ MB.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... I could get out & start seeing other people too... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It probably never occured to him that you might go off and be with someone else.

I think this was a big shock for him. Maybe enough to shock him right out of the fog...

Thank you to both of you for the encouragement. I guess that's my big hang-up though. Could it really have worked that quickly? I didn't have any intention of sleeping with someone else or going out with someone else, but I didn't mind letting him know that there was nothing to hold me back if I decided to. He just seems like he is glad to be home, but he's still kind of emotionless. He is giving me a few kisses and holding me some, mainly because he knows that I need that kind of stuff, but he seems still kind of distant. He's not the kind of distant he was when he was with her, but it's like he's got his own stuff going on & he lets me in on some, but not on all. I guess I do the same. We've been talking openly & honestly about what direction we would like our relationship to take and that feels really good, but really really scary. I'm just wondering if he's really strong enough mentally to stay away from her. I know he hasn't called her in the last few days. What he doesn't know about me is that I have access to her phone records too, because she had me set her account up where I could access her usuage and help her keep it under control because her bill kept being too high. I checked her phone via on-line service to make sure I didn't recognise any numbers that he would be able to call from and he hasn't. I know that sounds underhanded and not the right way to go about rebuilding our relationship, but I have to be certain right now because it's still so fresh & hurtful. I would never let him know that I have access to that information either. I would wait to see if he told me if he talked to her. If he didn't, I'd find a way to let him know that I knew. He keeps saying that there's nothing left to say between the two of them, but I know that will take time for me to accept & believe. How do you get through the tough phase of watching them go through their withdrawals from that other person? That's almost as painful as it was knowing the nights he went to see her, where he was & what he was doing. I don't know how the best way to deal with this is. I send him text messages because we always did that with each other, but he doesn't really reply to all of them and he doesn't send real responses & if I don't call him during the day, he calls me, but the conversations are kind of short & sparse on his end. It's like he wants to hear my voice, but then he doesn't really have a lot to say. Is this normal? What is normal during their withdrawal process?