Quick Story:

Married 15 years, together 15. 2 kids, DS and DD. High School sweethearts, teenage pregnancy, lots of yelling and screaming (mostly by me) etc. My wife had a PA many years ago and has been involved in an EA with a guy she met online since February. Dday was May 27 and her sister had to tell me.

I plan on posting my whole story sometime but I wanted to ask a quick question.

I have been working Plan A since Dday and have been having good talks with her regarding our problems. I do see the part that I have played in her A's and have been working hard to make myself become a better person. She sees the changes I have made but is scared to recommit as I have verbally abused her (and our kids) for our entire marriage. It was only last night that I fully began to realize that I am an Emotional Abuser. What I am looking for is this...can people recommend some good books or websites that deal with Verbal/Emotional Abuse and how to work on that? I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor for the end of the month but feel the need to dive in and start trying to figure out how to fix myself. Thanks.

Sad 'N Sorry

SadN'Sorry,

I also lost my last marriage because I was a verbal abuser [among other things]. For me, all the counseling in the world did not change that. What changed it was a decision to stop. And I always could stop, just didn't want to.

I never verbally abused my H in front of his mother, so its not like I never had any control, I just didn't want to. What I am saying essentially, is that I had the power to stop all along and didn't need to pay tons of money to do it.

I do agree that marriage counseling would be very beneficial for you both so that you can learn new ways to communicate. And some excellent books that might be really helpful is His Needs/Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley. They were real eye openers to me that showed the effects of my behavior on my now-ex spouse.

Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here are books I have found helpful:
"Angry all the time"
"Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders"
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"

Here is something Harley said about abuse that you might find helpful: Why do people do things that hurt other people? And the answer is that part of it is we don’t care about other people. We only care about ourselves, and when we are only caring about ourselves and we’re not caring about other people, people should run for cover. And the question is: What is it we can do to make ourselves safe in relationships with other people and that is to create environmental factors – environmental rules, regulations – to live by that consciously and purposely protect other people from our own selfish instincts.

The rule that Harley argues will end abuse in is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Of all the books I had read, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders gets to the root cause of abuse. Both sets of our parents and all grandparents were in abusive relationships. We didn't know any better.


Cherished

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

What were your parents like? My mother was very verbally abusive - you are no good, I wish you had never been born, you are lazy, ugly, stupid.

I made up my mind when I turned 8 that I would never do that to people I love, and never have.

It takes a decision to change. You may just do this because it was the way you were taught. Stop it now.

Sad and Sorry,


Think about how you want to be treated, and choose to treat other people the same way.

(ie: think about how you wish to be spoken to, and speak to others the same way)

You know...'Do unto others...'

I like what Shul has said - I truly believe that and have taught my children "treat others as you would like to be treated" "if you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all" words to live by

I am glad you can see the mistakes you have made in the past and are adressing them before it is too late for your M

I have a book recommendation - not so much about emotional abuse but about learning forgiveness -
"How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring, she is also the author of After the Affair
This may help your wife forgive you for the abuse, actually it is good for anyone
Good Luck, Sandy

-Sandy

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>