Sometimes I feel like I'm getting so used. I'm the one working at this thing. I'm the one biting my lip in half. It's ok to hurt, but not outloud... that's LB. Don't ask for reassurances.... that's LB. Give her space to and room to ignore me, blow me off, treat me with ambivalence (walk on me). Suffer from you needs not being met, but I've got to meet her EN.

I hurt so bad sometimes I can't even breathe, but I've go no one to talk to. I feel so empty, but, I've got to be positive and upbeat. Create an atmosphere of love and fun. I feel like I'm a shell of a person. When do I get to collapse, have a breakdown? I've worked my butt off to hold it together and make a future for us > alone! I'd love to just collapse and rest and not worry about, my feelings, LBs, putting on a good front. I'd like to scream at the top of my lungs and beat the crap out of someone or something!

I feel like the BS goes through so much crap > and is despised for it. Fights for M, and is scorned. Stays strong for the family, to be rejected. Loves the spouse, and is ignored. There is nothing fair about this.

RWS..I hear you loud and clear..today my WW finally threw me a bone. You just have to hang in there. Don't explode. If you let your emotions take over believe me it won't be any better, in fact it will be worse. Your WS wants you to break, and if you do in the WS's mind it will justify the A. Dont do it please. You've been working so hard.

Come here and vent like me and we will help you thru this period. It's tough. Take one day at a time. I'm over here doing the same thing, many of us are. You are not alone.

Hang in there and vent all you need to, but do it here. Don't sabotage all your hard work.

You can do it

Ps) I might need you to give me that same speech tomorrow so stay in touch...lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ah Running,

I feel your pain! You’ve gotta believe (really believe) that the end justifies the means. Make no mistake, Plan A is tough. Some days I feel like I’m swallowing sh%% by the bucket load.

Everyone finds solace in a different place. I’ve found that physical exertion helps bleed off the pent-up frustrations (and there’s a boat load of those) and anxiety. Resist the (natural) urge to crawl away and wallow in self-pity, it’s self-defeating and that’s what they expect...don’t give ‘em the satisfaction!

Study yourself and your role in this “situation” and take the steps necessary to change you! Don’t allow WS’s “fog” to cloud your vision. If you haven’t done so already, get yourself His Needs Her Needs (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA). Don’t just read them, STUDY THEM! Learn the material and concepts presented and assimilate them into the new you. (For most of us, we are essentially re-inventing ourselves. “Morphing” ourselves into new and better members of the partnership known as marriage.) Read the material presented here @ MB, there’s a wealth of knowledge and experience (learned the hard way) to be found.

NEVER believe that you are alone. When you need to vent...sit down and vent. We’ve all done it (or are doing it) and the amazing part is WE UNDERSTAND. No condescending pats on the back, no empty platitudes of sorrow. MB is empathy, (genuine) understanding, and (genuine) compassion for the gut wrenching agony handed to us by those we loved and trusted the most.

What you believe, You can achieve...

My saga

RWS, it's all true. You're getting trampled on by an elephant but you keep chasing it anyway, and when it lifts its foot instead of stepping on you, you have to be grateful.

Oh, elephant metaphor. I'm too tired, man. I think this is from my conversation earlier tonight with OM's W. We talked about the sparrow and OM together, or any pair of married cheaters - how they have the old elephant in the room problem. They both feel guilty, they both feel doubt, about themselves and each other. They both have people telling them what they're doing is horrible. But they mustn't acknowledge those things when they're together. They have to focus on the thing that makes them feel good and fight to not look at the elephant.

GC

Please do vent here. As far as i'm concerned your spouses have been given a huge blessing...you are amazing to be willing to go through so much crap after all your spouses have already put you through. Oh, I am a FWS, my husband left me...I'm in plan A, but he is too hurt now...Time and Patience!

I would love to tell all your spouses how lucky they are to have their betrayed spouses fighting to save the marriage when they don't even deserve to be your spouse anymore.

Take care

The word inconsiderate is the right one, but it's not strong enough. Inconsiderate times 1000! She'll say I love you, but will show, I can't stand you! We're in the process of moving to another state and she's not even helping me with looking for house, jobs, nothing. She's just ambivalent > no emotion, no show of anything.

You know what's crazy, we'll have SF, that seems the times when it's the most normal. But, after, it's right back to the samw behavior. I can't believe I'm saying this, and I would have never said this before, but I'd rather hold each other than the acutal SF. I so miss the intimacy, holding each other, kissing, and so on.

I'm sorry for talking about this, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really miss my wife. I wish she could see that I don't care about the hurt, the pain, the crap, all I want is her back.

I'm looking into a couple of jobs in another state. It would be an opportunity to get away from here and start over with new house, new jobs, new lives. I want to start over and be a new man, new father, new husband and make all new memories. Please pray for me about these jobs.

If you feel like you are being used in plan a then you need to change your attitude and reasons for "giving" to your spouse....

you have other choices you can chase the WS around thrusting yourself in to their vision and show them your raw pain and hurt the whole time yelling..

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

They can't take in and proces the reality of the pain of their actions and choices..

they will lash back ...
they will thrust the focus back on to you...
it's YOUR fault!!!!

they strongly feel the need to layer it in blame and more they can bring that blame to you and heap it on your plate the more it alleviates them feeling and seeing the pain they cause in their wake...

better to stay on their peripheral...
better to remove yourself from their line of fire so that when they want to or try to turn this on you...
you are there without blame...

take this time to look as well as your own giving and doing and plan a...
part of this exercise is really learning to give with no strings which is not a skill that will go away once in recovery..it is a great skill to master....

to do for
to be for
someone because of the joy you get out of doing it...

There is NO doubt that you do need a healthy outlet or interest...

use this fact to your advantage as well...
join a new interest or group....
and go...be excited about going...
enjoy yourself....

use your choice to your plan A advantage as well...
pick something that will get your wife's attention but do NOT give back to much detail on what you are doing...
what made you choose this new activity....

take a summer college class...

TAKE AN ART CLASS (male or female....)
you think it wouldn't grab my attention if my spouse suddenly started taking a sculpting class...
I'd be intrigued up to the gills!!!!!!!!!!

take a wine tasting class...

take cake decorating...!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

or a cooking class..nothing fills a love bank more than a man in an apron....seperating egg whites.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WS know they don't have the "right" to demand to know where you are
or where you are going..and doing
(you let them know where you are going without to much detail...
cause it is exactly the opposite of how they have treated you.....
so they either test the waters to warm up a bit..
or they angrily ask..
use either to your advantage...

judge it yourself..
aloof or receptive to giving them info its your call...

WS are comfortable with the known..

when they know you are home pining and moaning and sulking about the situation it assists them in going to the OP and complaining of the oppressiveness at home...

change that oppressiveness and it changes their ability talk about you with the OP..
the more you remove yourself from giving them ammo with the OP...the more the OP and BS must and have to look at themselves..

no longer can they berate the BS cause the BS ain't doing a thing..

this part of the beauty of plan b following plan a...
take the BS out of the equasion and what the he## do they talk about...
certainly not the truth of what THEY have done..

time limits in plan a very very important
that's why you CAN do it...
Plan B followed by a really good plan A...

awesome...

ARK