I'm 2.5 months into A coming to light. WH moved out that day to OW. A ? started January??
I thought we were doing well, he seemed to spend so much more time with me or family and less time with her as weeks continued.
Then our 2nd marriage counselor meeting he did no show. I drove to OW house, he was in yard. I asked him to tell me which way was it going to be. Divorce or come home. He said he couldnt answer. I asked two more times, same answer.
I went to front door asked for OW to come out, she did.
I asked her if she thought she had a future with my husband, she said"she hopes so". I asked him what he wanted, "he said they hoped they had a future too".
I was floored, shock probably.
Its over?
I'm hurting. He calls me this morning and tells me he didn't answer the way he wanted. I'm confused, want the pain to stop. I don't know if that means there is hope as he says he is not sleeping, this is tearing him up too. Am I delusional to think we still have a chance. This pain, this not knowing hurts.
Someone tell me? I honestly can't seem to see either way being pain free. We've had 17 years together.
Someone clear my thinking for me.

WF, my advice is that you get ahold of your emotions. You don't have to deny them, but they can lead you to instinctive behaviors that are destructive. Chasing over to OW's house and making a scene is no good for you or for your hopes of saving your M. It will make him lose respect for you and it will fuel the affair - it's them against you and they can talk about you being crazy.

Are you seeing an IC? I think it might help if you could.

Read up on plan A. Read Ark's post from the other day.

GC

Yes, but I don't know if you want to talk to me. I had an affair and my husband left me. I too am hurting, but not nearly the way you must be. I can tell you from my personal experience that even after the affair was over it took me awhile to realize how stupid I had been, and what awful pain I caused my husband. I only pray he will find it in his heart to at least allow me a chance to try to prove he can begin to trust me again. Keep posting here, it has really helped me understand the devastation I have caused. There are wonderful people here, and they can help you too. Take care!

WF...
Your WH is "foggified". I understand what you're going thru, but please try to remember that it's not you, its him.

If your WH is now living with the OW you need to start utilizing some Plan B methods. I now realize how the process works. You must take care of yourself.

Have you exposed what he is doing to everyone that matters in his life and hers?

He is giving you conflicting information about his future plans because:

He's unsure if he's making the right decisions.
Even if he's trying to manipulate you he is still not totally sure he's doing the right thing.
You have nothing to lose exposing the affair at this point. It's tough, and I've been there sadly I probably didn't do so well, but
instinctively I went dark, and thats when she started coming around.

W and I are now in recovery and she recently slipped back into contact with the OM, but with the knowledge of LB's and EN's at least I understand why. I can say this with sure conviction, it's time to take care of you. Make the WH get off the fence in his mind. It's a double edged sword but until he wakes up he will go back and forth. Start focusing more attention on you being healthy and happy, and if you have kids that's more the reason.

He is in turmoil but at this point its not all about him.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I do know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 years and we lived together for 2 years before we got married. We have 3 children together. I have my story posted also. The OW just happened to be my supposed best friend. He kept going back & forth. He loves me, but he thinks he might be in love with her. I offered to let him live with me <together but separate> until we had some of the financial obligations taken care of. It took the pressure off of them to sneak and it hurt like hell, it still hurts, it's still too fresh, but I dealt with it. The main thing that you have to do, no matter how hard it is, and I can't tell you for sure how you can endure it, because I barely did, is that you have to make him think that the situation is ok and that it's helping you get over him because he's openly with her. Then, even if he's living with you, start cutting off your contact slowly. When you're around him, be cheery & upbeat (that's hard too). Don't be accusatory or keep asking why. You will NEVER get any satisfactory answers to that question anyway. Just act like he's your good friend and let him feel the distance growing between you. The other part is that you've got to let him think that you're moving on without him. Let him think you've got other options and people to go out with. I know you don't want to be with anybody else (I didn't & don't either), but he's got to feel like you're moving on. If you've been together that long and he couldn't give you a clear answer on what he wants, he wants what my husband did, both of you. You just have to twist his head a little and make him realize what he's giving up. It is a game of sorts and maybe that sounds childish, but he's playing a game with you too. If he's got a cell phone, start sending him a few messages letting him know what you'd like to do with him (and I don't mean choke him to death - lol). I mean make him think about how things were between the two of you when it was hot & heavy there too. He's a guy & they're very visual - paint him a picture, but don't give in. I'm not saying it will all work that way, but you've got to make him notice and appreciate you and feel like he's got a lot more to lose by losing you. Goodluck and I promise you're not alone. I'm with ya!

whitefeather,

I don't know how you kept yourself from hitting that OW when you went to her house and aksed if she had a future with YOUR WH.Please stay away from that homewrecker.She is no good and so you should not be anyhwere around her.If I had my way,all OP would be thrown in jail or hit in their pocketbook for getting involved with married men/women.WS's would have their own punishment too of course.I want to see some kind of legal action come back for Adultery.It has to.

I agree completely that if your WH is living with OW then Plan B is in order.Cut off your WH's supply of you and let him try to make it with the OW.You need to get out of the painful cycle and get some strength,Plan B can help with that.

It always amazes me just how disgusting and rediculous A's are.If it's SO right with these WS's and OP,why in heck is there so much pain going around?! It is complete insanity.That's why most A's don't last,remember that.

O