Ok, after so many of you recommended I send a NC letter, I did only to find out from my H that OM's W threw it away before OM could see it. She apparently felt no need for him to see it.

She said that OM knows to have NC with us and definately will not. However, after finding out she threw it away, I was so disappointed because I really wanted BOTH of them to understand my intentions. Especially since it was the OM who made the first move in our A. I know that may seem trivial but I know he was looking to have an A for quite some time whereas I wasn't.

Should I just let it go knowing I tried and move on?

You did exactly the right thing. Now don't worry about it, and move on. It is out of your control, but I think you have helped your BS.

How is everything else going?

Believer,

I think we are moving forward or trying at least.

I haven't been on this forum much lately because I was getting too caught up in it. It was comforting for a while to know I wasn't alone but then I started to feel like it was perpetuating my misery. You know "misery loves company".

Anyway, I've been so depressed that I've been trying to get myself in a more positive mind set. My misery isn't helping my H or my M any.

I'm trying to take one day or week at a time and not anticipate the future too much. I start to panic when I do that.

My guilt is not going away however. And now it is even worse because it is very possible OM's M will not survive this. Despite my actions, I never wanted anyone's M to fail. How do I live with that? How do I live with myself? I ask myself these questions over and over with no answers. This is my life.

Boss

Boss,
I missed this new thread. The NC letter was the right thing to do regardless of OM's W reaction.

You didn't do it for them. You did it for your H and you. A NC letter is a tangible piece of evidence that tells your H that you want nothing to do with "them" and your focus is on the two of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, I've been so depressed that I've been trying to get myself in a more positive mind set. My misery isn't helping my H or my M any.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see you ignored my advice on the ADs yet your post above talks about your depression. It's not nice to ignore the sage advice of cwmac. lol.

That's ok I ignored JL and 2Long as well. They were the veterans that helped me. Well, I ignored them for awhile then I wised up.

Here's the truth about depression according to a psych that works in tandem with my IC/MC. Depression is not a state of mind. It is a change in your brain chemistry. This means that you can't get rid of the depression by thinking happy posative thoughts. That might help in a single situation in the short term but not in the long run.

Also is it possible that you've ever been depressed before? Childhood, teen years, early marriage, pre-A timeframe? More than one episode of depression makes it all the more difficult to treat. Depression is progressive.

My theory (ok not mine) is that most WS are in a state of depression during their first contact with OP. Wives especially are having self-esteem issues. H isn't doing this or that... The feelings of the "friendship" give temporary relief to the depression. MBers give the analogy of an affair being like an addiction. That's exactly what it is but it has a stronger effect than that. The affair is a drug/medication to relieve the depresssion.

So when WS become FWS, guess what they've in essence stopped taking their "meds" for their depression. Depression returns. Because the depression wasn't treated with the proper medication in the first place it roars back twice as strong and even more difficult to treat.

Any of this sound familiar. So stop taking the wrong meds and start with the correct ones.

IMHO, FWS would find it much easier to break the "addiction" of contact with the OP if they were on ADs. Why do humans put themselves thru needless pain and suffering? Pride.

Always wanting to help,

cwmac

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac thought this may help...I had an affair, and my husband left me...Here are my experiences with depression and my marriage:

I am currently not taking my meds, but I know I need to...here are my experiences with depression: I had a severe case 10 years ago, it lasted 2 years. I was never medicated, I came through it by my faith in God, and non-stop church related activites...I voluntered non-stop...thus meeting my husband at my church! Bliss for the first 2 years we were together. Depression re-surfaced after our first year of marriage, right before he depolyed the second time, husband said he couldn't take it anymore and called my Doctor himself...Hello Prozac! Yep, I spent three years taking it, and it was great...my depression was managable for the first time ever. Somewhere along the way I felt I didn't need it anymore and stopped taking it, we had also stopped going to church (another huge mistake), my husbands brother commited suicide, times became tough, my husband and I were both depressed. It was not long after that my affair began...this is no excuse, but it did cure my depression for a time being...but when the affair ended it was worse, far worse that it had ever been before. I went back to the doctor...tried Prozac again, but it didn't work this time. Also tied Paxil and Wellbutrin, neither of them worked either. So yes, I am on a mission to find something that does work. I do not believe medication is always the answer, but I can only speak from my own experiences...It can be a lifesaver, and I am currently working on that issue. I also have a major family history of depression...interesting. It is mothing to be ashamed of...just take care of it, you will thank yourself later I guarantee it!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by cwmac:

My theory (ok not mine) is that most WS are in a state of depression during their first contact with OP. Wives especially are having self-esteem issues. H isn't doing this or that... The feelings of the "friendship" give temporary relief to the depression. MBers give the analogy of an affair being like an addiction. That's exactly what it is but it has a stronger effect than that. The affair is a drug/medication to relieve the depresssion.

So when WS become FWS, guess what they've in essence stopped taking their "meds" for their depression. Depression returns. Because the depression wasn't treated with the proper medication in the first place it roars back twice as strong and even more difficult to treat.

Any of this sound familiar. So stop taking the wrong meds and start with the correct ones.

IMHO, FWS would find it much easier to break the "addiction" of contact with the OP if they were on ADs. Why do humans put themselves thru needless pain and suffering? Pride.

You are right on cwmac!!! You hit the nail on the head with your very insightful comments...If only my husband realized even a fraction of this, maybe he could see how the affair was possible in the first place?

Boss,
I am here for you if you need me. I'm in the same boat, I'm in plan A now, but my husband headed right to the lawyers office. Time and patience! We can all get through this, and hopefully remain married too! Take Care!