i`ll start buy saying i`ve been married almost 4 years now ,about 10 months ago my wife had an affair with her old love,and on and off she had an emotional affair with him,about for months ago she said there could be no contact with him but once again she is comunicating with him again on sat. she phoned him and i told her how much it hurts me for her to be in touch with him now she says our marriage is not great but last week i was her every thing ,she takes zoloft for depression wich she has missed for about 5 days ,she is also bookad for surgery for a historectomy next month,i came home today and she has taken off her wedding rings and says she`s not putting them on till things improve and dosen`t know if our marriage is gong to work she says in one way she wants it and another way she dosen`t,now she has gone out for drinks with denise and might stay over night,she says it will just be them two that are going out ,but the last time she says she was staying over at her place she ende up with him and had an affair , i`m so scared i just want our marrige to work and i will climb the highest mountain to make it work i told her this and told her to use all her energy in making our marriage work and told her if he doesen`t exsist than our marrige can grow stronger than ever ,all my dreams and plans are with her . can anybody help i have no body to talk to i`m sick haven`t ate for three days and cry all the time i`m just a big mess.

First things first...

Please go and have something to eat right now.

Trust me, you will be much calmer and able to start to work on things.

Shul

Hey, man, right now you are going through the worst thing this life has to offer. You don't know if you want to live or die, I've been there. I promise it gets better. Stick around in the site and post and read others posts. There are tons of people just like you on this site. You will gain lots of insight on what to do, how to respond and your next steps. What you do at the beginning of this thing is very important. I would suggest that you read about plan a and plan b. Get the book by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair, this will really help you. I'm not trying to give you a bunch of platitudes and quick fix answers, it almost seems like I'm treating it very routinely. Well, in some ways it has become that way. Something as horrible as adultery should never be routine, but there is so much of it out there. No one is exempt from it's touch on their lives. I used to think that it would never happen to me or my wife. I trusted her implicitlly. But, she cut me and my guts came out. I didnt' think I could face life, but thank God for His mercy and help, and this website. Marriage Builders has been a great help to me.

This is a tough part for you. She's out and you can't believe she's being so heartless, cruel and evil by doing this to you. You trusted her and you can't believe it. Listen, this affair is like an addiction. If you've ever seen the effects of drugs on a person who is addicted, that will begin to give you a clue as to how this affects the WS (Wayward Spouse). She literally is feeling addicted and getting an emotional buzz from this. She is excited, living for the moment, completely careless regarding your feelings and marriage. She is not herself right now, she is under the influence of the A right now. It's referred to here as the "fog". She is lost in it and loving every minute of it. Eventually her feet will touch the ground long enough for her to have feelings of divided loyalties, conflicted feelings over you and your marriage. Your response to her will dictate how she will respond in these brief moments when her feet touch the ground. Don't bash her, accuse her, > you've got to read up on plan A. You'll see what I mean.

You're in my prayers.

Hang in there tonight, spend time in prayer and God will see you through this.

Out!

i can`t eat if i do i just get sick,andihad told her i can`t handle her friend ship with him because it hurts to much but right now she is not willing to give that up.i hope i have said the right things but i feel lost and my self esteem is in the basement .

also i`ve prayed to god many many times to hep us and to steer her in the right direction but i don`t see a response

also i`ve prayed to god many many times to hep us and to steer her in the right direction but i don`t see a response

she just came home for a minute and was going to pick up denise and i asked her for akiss and hug and she offered me the cheek after she left i called her on the cell and told her i love her and don`t want to be pushy but ijust love her and she`s my world and she says i here you thats the only response she is so cold ,how can i turn things around???

I know she's your world. Everything you've said, I've said all the same things. She's in the middle of a fantasy right now. Her whole world is wrapped up in that and she will do things that are cruel and heartless, just remember that's not your wife. She's under the influence of that drug called the Affair. Sounds crazy, but read the posts all over this board. People are going through exactly what you are going through. Only you're just starting it. The initial shock of it is almost too much to handle, I know. You will literally drive yourself crazy if you allow yourself to. Get those books asap! It'll give you some perspective and you need a lot of that right now.

Hang in there buddy!

thank you for your post but i have a hard time reading books i can`t concentrate right now ,do you think she`ll cime back to me this time or do you think she will sleep with him again if she did do you think we could recocile or do you think i would be a fool to even consider because that would meen it happened twice i can hardly bare the pain of even thinking about it.

also i told my wife the other nihgt that there was no room in our M for him ,do you think i did wrong?and also how could you be friends if he wants you for the rest of his life,she said if he can`t have her that way he would sttle for frienship but i told her he says that cause he is hoping for more and i`m right?

H&S,

Calm down and take some deep cleansing breathes. Come on...... Don't hyperventilate but you do need to calm down.

Now start doing some of that reading that was recommended to you. You do need to read. I know you can't think straight but you need to think straight.

Your heart and mind are not in sync. The need to be and reading along with getting with a good MC or even doing phone counseling sessions with Jennifer here @ MB will help.

Vent and ask questions here as you need but you won't see progress until you get a handle on yourself. Your W is waayyy out there and don't expect her to be back to reality too soon. You though can work on you. Can't afford for you to lose it out there, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

how do you contact jeniffer and how much does it cost because i`m so broke i need surgury?

Go to the section at the top of this page and click on Counsel.

Read the info in the basic concepts section, then click on this link:

MB's phone #

Hope this helps. It is critical you read the concept section 1st. When you schedule an appointment, they will ask you a list of questions and help you prepare so you get the best use out of your time spent with Steve or Jennifer@MB.

L.

hurting - It is fairly expensive to do the phone counseling. You are going through the worst part right now. I couldn't eat or sleep, and was absolutely miserable.

But it does get better. Like everyone says, it is like an addiction. So you need to relax and take care of yourself so you can fight for your marriage.

Is the other man married?

I read your post and feel all that pain all over again. The good news is one day you will look back on that and remember how you were hurting, and marvel at how strong you have become.

All the BS's here have walked in your shoes.

You are not alone.

Your wife has lost her mind.

You need to take care of yourself so you can help her find it, or at least be here if she does manage to regain her consciousness.

So, I would recommend reading up on all the article quick links here on the site. Reading all the plan a and plan b posts. Calling Steve or Jennifer. Going on over to save your marriage central.com. Reading up on the adultery recovery stuff there, and when you have done all of that, be SOMEWHAT comforted that people are in this with you, that others HAVE survived these terrible acts toward a marriage and a family, and that no matter what, you will get through this. Then, eat a little something and get some rest.

Do not call her again tonight. Your clingy, lovey dovey, heartbroken attitude, while completely justified in my book, is probably detracting your wife. You need to reclaim the confident, sexy, self assured man she fell in love with. After all, when she first laid eyes on you, or met you for the first time, I doubt you were crying your eyes out, calling her every other second to profess your love, etc. Just try to calm down and remind her why she fell for you in the first place, and what she could be potentially be losing without you!

My heart is breaking for you.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Look, man, you are probably online right now, and sleep is the farthest thing from your mind. I know about that too. I know this sounds nuts and it's probably not too good for you, but I stay on this site and post and read till I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed. Some nights it's the only thing I could do. I lost weight, didn't sleep, and when I was awake all I did was obsess over it. I know all you want is to go to your wife and ask for reassurances from her that she loves you, and that she'll come back to you and that she'll leave this OM alone. But, odds are that she's neck deep into the fantasy. I would expose the A to the OM's wife, if he has one. Expose the affair. This is what brings a quick hole in the balloon of the A. People begin to find out and it begins to effect them in the real world. With the wife, employer, friends all turn on them and disapprove of their behaviors. Read about plan A even though you don't feel like it. Do it.

God Bless!

thankyou to all the replies i couldn`t get enough ideas please send me more too if anybody else hasany support to give i welcome it all even if its not what i want to hear thankyou so much people and please send more.

hurting -

We have all been through what you are going through. It is miserable. You can't eat, sleep, work or anything. You might want to get some anti-depressants. I know men don't like them, but they do help.

You are going to have to start taking care of YOU. That is the only thing you have control of. Your wife is addicted and will do what she is going to do.

Start in Plan A. Start reading posts here. You will soon see that they all do the same things, say the same things, etc. That will give you some peace, when you see that there is a pattern. Then you will know not to take it so personally.

You will get through this, and we will help you. You will have better days ahead.

well she never came home last night she said she might stay at her friends deises but last time she that sheslept with OM we have been on the recovery for about 4 months now with NC with OM until 2 weeks ago, do you people think plan B is a must now???????