Hi there. I posted this under divorcing too since the I feel I am heading that way. For those of you that don't know me....quick recap. H an I together for 11 years. Two boys. H and I always had "problems" in our M. Quite rocky I guess. Worse state came two years ago after H met OW at work and proceeded to leave me and live with her and have an on and off relationship (Affair) for about a year. Lots of lies, betrayal and multiple ddays with same OW. She finally left him for her now husband. I *think* he has been faithful over the last 9 plus months. So far, so good in that respect. Here's my dilemma.

The state of the relationship leading up to the affair was dismal. H works on and off "on the road" and has some very expensive habits. He's sort of fly by the seat of the pants type--big spender, no worries, etc. Occassionally does some really stupid things. I am the EXACT opposite. I work mega hours close by home and worry about everything. I'm your classic overachiever and he is your classic bad boy. Because I am the only one that has steady anything and work in public safety...needless to say money is always a sore situation. He'll work and make beaucoup $ and spend it all in the matter of a couple of days. There's no saving for a rainy day etc. He take money out of my account, promise to replace it and then viola $320.00 in bounced check fees. (We average that every couple of months.) When I freak out about the finances, I am love busting for sure. He used this an excuse last time he left. But this is what he does....says over and over he's sorry. It won't happen again. He loves me. Nothing changes. So yes, now he is being faithful but we are right back to where we were pre-A. I am really certain at this point that I can't have everything. I am also remembering a point in my life when I met him and thought that the relationship would never be long term because of his reckless attitude. I should have listened to that little voice in my head. The pain I have endured while with him has been unrelenting. It's one thing after another. I don't know what to do next. My head is telling me, to end it for good. But I know the pain of seeing him with someone else and not having him to hold. Then, there's the boys--they can't keep seeing us go back and forth.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before or I am just a fool who needs to get out now while I'm still young enough to save for retirement??? I'm so tired of fighting the way he is. His intentions are seemingly so good...but he makes very poor choices.

That is a tough one. My WH is similar to yours. He can't save even a dollar. He is living with OW now, so that is her problem. If he ever comes back, which I doubt (and don't think I want him), I would have separate accounts. It is too stressful for me to live that way.

HI Nine
I posted reply on D % D board..
Hang in there - and you may want to consider what Believer suggested about getting your own separate account that he has no access to. I finally did and what a relief it has been.

Hi Nine,

When you have someone who so poorly manages money, it really is up to you to get a handle on things.

I've been where you are, though my husband is not as extreme in his spending.... but here's what we've done.

I got a separate checking account in my name only (I actually did this after Affair No. 1, when my husband went out and bought a new car without my knowledge).

My paycheck goes into this account so husband has no access to it, unless I give him access, which is rare. He doesn't want access. He knows this account protects us. This is our bills money and covers the majority of our expenses (I make a good salary so this works for us.... but the underlying concept is the same. You protect your money from him. Period.)

We left the other account with both of our names on it and his check went into that account. He was expected to pay for certain things (groceries, gas, presciptions) and we estimated how much that would take a month. Then he could do whatever he wanted with the rest.

Will your husband agree that he should "pay" X amount to the family bills each month and have it directly deposited into your own, separate, husband-can't-touch checking account? Then, when he goes a few months without paying his "share" and he gets that big fat check, you can remind him he owes $XX amount for the months he hasn't paid into the joint bills acount.

If he won't do this, I would set up my own joint checking account anyway to protect your money and close any joint accounts you have with him that make you liable for his debts. His abuse of finances is a major LB for you. It is a basic need you have to feel secure.

If he can't see that or isn't willing to meet you half way, then you need to protect yourself. If your money is off limits and you tell him you'll pay bills for this, that, and the other thing, that will leave him responsible for the rest. Then hold him to it.

~ Snow