Does anyone believe that it is cheating even if a person has not done anything physical but has dicussed leaving their spouse for someone else.

Short answer--absolutely.

I'm not sure what I would call it but I think when you do something that you know in your heart that your spouse would be hurt by...it's wrong. Whether it is called cheating or emotional affair or whatever, why would someone elect to hurt the one they vowed to love, honor and cherish? If a WH/WW feels the need to leave is THAT great than why not be honest with the spouse and agree to either work it out or go separate ways? Anything done underhandedly just adds salt to the wound IMHO.

But then again, I am a BS so what the <insert bad word> do I know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And if you don't believe luvbird, read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

SD

1st I would like to say thank you to the ones who answered my question. I am new so I do not know what some of the things mean like WH, WW, or BS. I am just very confused right now. I do not want to be with someone who cheats on me and had never considered it cheating until someone mentioned emotional cheating. My husband is a contractor in kuwait and this just happened a couple of weeks ago. We were fighting alot and from reading this website I do see that I have not been meeting all these emotional needs that he mentioned and then this site brought to my attention. I do not by any means blame myself. He said that he will come home right now if I want him to. He still has until NOvember before his contract is over. And I do have to look at the financial part of it b/c we have a 6 year old 5 year old and 3 month old. I am sorry this is so long. Maybe I just needed to vent. I am just so confused about whether to stay or not. I know that we do not know what will happen in the future but I am really worried that something more will happen.

Purchase the book, Surviving an Affair, which can be found in major chain bookstores, or you can find a link on the home page. Another book which goes hand in hand with SAA, is His Needs/Her Needs.

You will learn a LOT about infidelity, why it can happen, and how to save your marriage if infidelity creeps into your life.

Even if what you are concerned about is simply a misunderstanding, these books will help you build a marriage that is less vulnerable to infidelity.

I wish you well,

SD

QC

The best definition I've seen is in Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends." It is an excellent book for your situation especially if your spouse doesn't seem to think anything's wrong.

Some of the other posters have said that if the activity bothers the other spouse then it's questionable. The problem with that ( I know from experience) is that you'll tell your spouse that a certain behavior makes you feel uncomfortabe. The spouse will just respond by saying well I don't think its inappropriate. They'll just say that there definition is different from yours. The make you feel like the jealous green monster.

Anyway Glass says that if the following three components are there it's an EA even if there hasn't been touching kissing or even a hug.

Secrecy, Intimacy & Sexual Chemistry.

Secrecy is obvious. But remember there are two types of lies, lies of commission and those of ommission. A lie of commission is the all out lie. The lie of ommission is more subtle. Your spouse tells the truth with their words but they forget to include certain details that if you knew would make you upset.

Intimacy: Most people think of intimacy as being sexual. More broadly intimacy is when your spouse shares their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams for the future etc. A common topic of intimate conversations is sharing details of the state of the respective marriages. When two people of the opposite sex discuss their marriage troubles they're halfway there. That discussion is in essence a "feeling out" of where the other party sits in their marriage situation. Should never happen.

Sexual Chemistry: Is there any spark there? If your spouse could say that in another place and/ or time they'd be attracted to the OP, that's enough in my book.

How long has your spouse been "friends" with the OP?

cwmac

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

what if it's been over a year and your spouse refuses to give up the relationship nomatter what you say?

For acronyms, smilies, UBB codes

Informant,
If I were you I'd but the book I've referenced above. Do you and the wife read in bed at night time? If so she'll of course ask you about the contents and you can again tell her how you feel.

Ask her if she'd like to read it together. If she won't I'd highlight witha marker sections that you feel are fitting with your situation.

I read your story. I'm not clear as to whether your W has ended it with OM. Are you working on recovery? Is there NC?

A year is a long term relationship as far as EAs go. It sounds long distance which is good. Has the W ever travelled to OM's area before or has he come here? Normally a EA turns PA within 4-8 months if the parties are in close proximity.

cwmac