What plan should I use........My C told me that i should not call her but if she calls be very nice.............She said I can show my WW love by leaveing her alone.........She said that we had a phyical relationship not an Emotional one....I need to bring that back..............

Read up on plan B. For your daughter's safety as well as your own.

Your W is choosing her own demise. You can't control her choices but you can control yours and seek out safety for you and your D.

L.

Frank, I would think about Plan B in the near future, but I wonder if you won't cause more trouble for the affair right now by staying in Plan A for a while longer?

If you make her come to your H to visit D, that will INFURIATE the OM. And he is already angry because they weren't able to squeeze any money out of ya. [can you say lovebusters!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]

If your W has to come over to visit your D, OM will get really jealous and that will cause him to do lots of LOVEBUSTING. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And when the OM lovebusts, guess who looks all the more attractive??? FRANKMYMAN!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with you on that one...........He hates my guts and he has the WW.........Go figure....

Frank what you need....(as IF I know.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )
Is a strong plan A with strict boundaries...


the good but scary news about your situation is that your wife is with an OM whose whole life is chaos.....

chaos....dui, probation....verbaly escalative...etc....bleeech....

YOU need to opt and choose out of adding any chaos to her life....

YOU become the one rock on strength..CONSISTANCY..and calm...
you attract her with your own responsible self....

your wife's self esteem though no excuse is really down in the bog of ilk...to put up with this behavior...AND to expose her own child to it.....

Soooooo

plan A via phone...but YOU cut the phone calls...leave her wanting a little more....

take her something at work ...and leave it for ...but have it be something that you and your daughter did the night before...

"daughter and I went to the local (fair) (amusement park)...we got you some cotton candy...."

AND set the boundary daughter not at her house...
with OM...but make sure when and if she comes to your place it is like a sanctuary...
which it should be for you and daughter..

house clean
music on
joy in the home...
show her what she has chosen
make encounters at your place a stark stark difference from the he** pitt she has chosen...

do this for a week or so...then call and invite her somewhere with you two...go even if she refuses...but invite her...

be strong...
hold on a little longer..

ask your wife things she doesn't expect you ask about....tell her things like...

I hope you are eating well
I worry that you aren't taking care of yourself..
How are you feeling these days...

WS don't expect the BS to care about those things....
their choices though wrong wrong wrong are very stressful on them mentally and when the BS can reach beyond their own pain and show compassion for the effects of their icky choices....
it surprizes them and gets their attention...

hang on...
a man setting boundaries that is for the children IS attractive...
do the right thing...
and prepare for plan B in the near future...

luck and strength to you...
ARK

Thank you Ark..........So cofused......My wife was a good person before all this ****.......Or I don't think I would go through all this stuff....they started with phone calls and then she left after about 3 weeks.......I found out they did it once before that D-Day...I was kind of glad she just flat out left, but then again I might of had a better chance if she would have stayed. We did not even talk about her intensions. I come home on a friday after work and she was gone..I got a dear john saying she did not love me any more...........

Ark , She told me yesterday that she did not want to talk to me any more...Not to call her except for D sake.......She wants the divorce and to get coustody papers drawn up....Later that day she said she ain't worried about the divorce but want coustody papers drawn up I told her I don't have the money for either and she said the same thing.......Now that i remember the earlier conversation she said that she is tiered of all this she just wants to run away. He must be really pressuring her and so is his mother........she is very cofused.

Frank, I think you are in a great position to put pressure on the affair to end. You have an excellent opportunity here if you will just play your cards right.

I wouldn't call her at all. Don't bring your D back over there and when she calls just tell her that if she wants to see her D, she will have to come to your house to visit from now on. [OM is not allowed on your property either] Let her know that after much thought, you have realized this is not an appropriate situation for D.

This will make it much harder for her to carry on her affair. And what is she going to do? She has no money to file custody papers and the OM is already ticked because they can't con you out of any money.

And when she does come to your H to see D at your house, it will make the OM mad and he will lovebust some more. All the while you are being Mr Nice - BUT FIRM - GUY, while OM is being Mr A**hole. See what I mean? You look good, he looks BAD! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then after a few weeks of this misery, you can send a sweetly worded Plan B letter that will hopefully shake her off the fence!

I know she won't come to the house..He wont allow that..........Was I right to act as if .....about the divorce and the coustody papers.....If and when I talk to her again I will tell her that I am not filing for a D , If she wants to she will have to do it...Should I tell her my intensions about not giving up on her.........My D knows of my intensions..........I can't afford a lawyer either.......
I told WW the week she left that she has 6 months to decide..that will be 07/23/04 what should I say now or should I say anything....

Frank, what were you going to do at the end of 6 months? I wouldn't say anything now but usually giving time limits is not a good idea because it just gives the WS a license to steal for that time period. And then when you do nothing at the end, they know you didn't mean it.

I guess if she wants to see her D, then she will have to come over, right? She needs to start facing some consequences for her actions, Frank. You have protected for far too long. At the expense of you and your daughter.

I wouldn't tell her anything about the D. If she brings it up tell her you don't want a D, but surely won't stop her if she wants to get one.

Thank you ML . What is your situation....are you in recovery are you reconciling.???????

No franked, don't tell her that you are not giving up on her, that will keep you on a leash in her eyes and enable her to keep mainiplating the situation with your D.

You gave her a deadline? For what? Was your intention to file for a D on that date? YOU do not want the divorce or have the $$ to file, so leave it on her plate.

Th <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The OM will not ALLOW her to come to your house? If she stays there, she has made the decision to allow him to call the shots. She is in a weak position here, not you.

You dO NOT have to ever take your D to the OM's house again, YOU are her father, not him. If your W understands this, she will begin to see what she is giving up. Again, her decision, not your's.

You need to find family or a friend that knows the situation and can help you will childcare this summer while you are working. DO NOT depend on her for this. Again, she keeps you on a leash.

DO NOT giver har any $$. The OM is pressuring her for your $$ but she is the one who abandoned her family. Love conquers all? Let's see if it pays the rent...

Your w has made the decision to live with the OM, wants you to pay her for this arrangement and for you to file for and pay for a D. In addition, she would like you to drop off your D at the OM's doorstep so they can be together while the OM has your phone blocked and will not allow your W to come to your house. do you see how absurd this is? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Take care of yourself, keep the house clean and make it a safe, happy environment for you and your D. Your W needs to see that you can and will make it without her.

You NEED to get legal papers drawn up to protect your D. The OM has a dUI, weapons charges and a revoked DL. Are you willing to place your D in that environment for even ONE MINUTE? I would guess that the OM does not want your D there either and does not treat her well.

PLEASE see a professional Monday to see what you need to do legally to protect your D. don't worry about the divorce issue now, your priority needs to be protecting your D from this relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frankd:
<strong> Thank you ML . What is your situation....are you in recovery are you reconciling.??????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for asking, Frank. We are well into recovery and have a great marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cool......

We are home from a fun weekend out of state.......WW called cell phone on saturday and ask for D.I told WW everyone said hi and they miss her......D got on phone and WW to;d D she would call her back later that night and she did not..........

I am keeping D monday and calling my Lawyer......about coustody....If WW calls I am going to tell her that D does not want to come down......If she wants to see her she can come up.........I am going to tell her I do not want a divorce!!!!!11 If she wants one go ahead.........I will not stop her......If she has a problem about meagan I will see her in court.........Should I tell WW that I do not like that Inviorment for my D.???????

Frank, absolutely tell her. Tell her that you won't be sending D back anymore, that that is an inappropriate environment for a little girl.

Tell her she will have to come to your house for visitation from now on. And I dont think I would leave her alone with your D at your house, she might nab her. Have you set up a babysitter for your daughter?

Your W might get angry at not getting her way, but she will have new respect for you because you set down boundaries.

Also, I wouldn't even bring up the Divorce or the custody issue, if she brings it up just tell her you aren't interested but she is free to pursue a D if she wants.

Are you going to tell your lawyer that you won't send your D over there at all? What is your plan with the lawyer?

Good question What do you think I should say.......

Tell him how bad the situation is over at the OM's and that you don't want your D exposed to this sleazy mess. Tell him about the OM's criminal background and what your W told your D about their sex. Tell him you want to protect your D from this sitation and get 100% custody with only supervised visitation at your H. And that your D have no contact with the OM. See what he can do for you.

Frank,
Let us know how things go today with your wife. I will be praying for you and your D today!