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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115 |
I have been giving my wife space and working on Plan A. Tonight she called me from work and said that she has been thinking about me. I immediately said that I have been missing your companionship and that I am worried about her and she clamed up. I did not think this would be a bad thing to say......AND....I have been thinking of going to Plan B because this is my wifes 2nd affair this year I think if I move out of the house and put the pressure of all the up keep..pool and yard etc... It might give her a wake up call. Her father says I should because she needs to fall on her @ss. My wife has a drinking problem and has all the alcholic personalities of manipulation and control. She wants to separate anyway and I can not afford the mortgage anyway. She can thanks to me putting her butt through nursing school. I can live in a duplex he has for cheap and with my work schedule..being on call and late hours.. It would be easier on me when I have the children instead of loading them up in my work truck and driving across town at 3 a.m. when I get called out. Plan A for a week but people that know me and the way I treated her say she is the problem not me--I guess it takes two but that is what they tell me. My father in law runs a rehab center and he is into major tough love.Plus the anguish the kids will have might get to her. Not trying to use my children for this purpose. What do yall think
<small>[ July 10, 2004, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Think you ought to ask her to leave and let her be inconvienced due to her choices.
You and the children should not have to live in a foreign place because of her choices.
How can she be a nurse with this drinking problem?
Also when you speak to her, try not to say too many things. You want to squeeze it all into 1 conversation but she may not be able to handle it. Too much fog.
JMHO,
L.
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
I don't think you have done Plan A long enough, but then there is the alcohol problem, which must be addressed. Hmmmmm. Maybe someone else has an idea.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
You need to get yourself to ALANON now...
asap
this week....
you need the support and tools...
no one can manipulate you without your consent...
learn to remove yourself from the behaviors that serve no one well...
ark
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115 |
Yea that's what I have been told I need alanon. My father in law keeps pushing that. What do you think about the other stuff. Read alot of your post --good advice
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Plan A won't help you if she is an alcoholic because her problem isn't unmet needs, it's self will run riot. You will only hurt the situation by doing that. Alcoholics respond to tough love like you were told.
I agree with Ark, you should get to an Alanon.
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
You cannot Plan A an alcoholic.
AlAnon has helped me. Try going 2 or 3 times a week for a month.... see how much you can soak up.
Don't move out. Things will get worse.
Take immediate control of YOUR finances.... get a legal financial separation if necessary.... you may be liable for any of her debt unless you act on this. Get rid of joint credit cards, etc. Don't worry about LBs as you take precautions to begin protecting yourself .
Talk to an attorney for ways to protect yourself in your state.
Self- preservation is NOT LBing. Particularly when there is an alcoholic involved.
Document everything. Begin a diary, make daily entries. Incidents, drinking, found bottles..... spending, phone-calls..... write it all down..... just in case you end up in court. Keep dates, times, all of it.
Are there minor children to protect? If there are, document drinking and driving. If you need to, call the police if she drives away from home after drinking ...... especially if she has kids in the car.
This is not a situation where many of the MB guidelines will work. You cannot POJA with a drunk.
Pep
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 115 |
well wife is getting ready to out with friends and boy friend. Home alone with kids. taking them to drive in. She said today she needs time. whatever that means. want to leave how can put up with this.......MAJOR LOVE BUSTER.... Told her she look nice and she said thanks. i said that too bad you are not looking nice for me I do not understand that crap and you can do it with a smile on your face.I will staighten up oneday. It is amazing what you will put up with when you love someone or just stupid
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