Marriage Builders Discussion Forums » Infidelity » Just found out... » Feeling depressed, confused,helpless and in still in love.




Author Topic: Feeling depressed, confused,helpless and in still in love.
jets
Junior Member
Member # 35905

posted July 09, 2004 10:05 PM
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First time poster. Long topic.
My wife of 14 years and 2 children,told me memorial day weekend shortly after our anniversary. That she does not know how she feels about me anymore.
States that over last year because of frequent arguments that she has lost feelings that she used to have for me. Will admit majority of problems where with me. Angry outburst, distrust and lack of affection shown to her, according to her. She states that she feels numb to me now. States that even though we had sexual intimacy in last year. There where only a few times that it felt right, majority of time she cringed. I myself notice some change in the sexual intimacy, pretty much her attitude of lets just get it done and over with. Felt she had to have sex to prevent me from pouting and not talking with her. Will admit that this was partially true. Now looking back on all the things i did to her i feel like a total A-hole.
During that night i notice that after going out she sat on one end of the car looking out the window. At that point i realize there was something seriously wrong, prior to that she had talked to her mother in private and when saw her noticed she had been crying, didn't know what about at that time. Came home that night and that when she told me that she was numb and had no feelings like she used to anymore. Did bring up the idea of seperation. I was floored. I never saw it comming up to that point. she now often questions why i didn't see the signs and why it came to this point to realize the seriousness of it. Had have arguments in past that out of anger she had told me to go to hell or just leave if i wasn't happy. I had always questioned why she would be the one to suggest to leave. I kind of blew it off as part of argument, but still little confused.
So after realizing how serious she was, seeked help from pastor, we both went and talked to him but his conclusion is she working too much. She works in drs.ofc.during week occs., trvl.outside residence to work different jobs for others. at twice a mo. for the long weekends. I am usually at home with my kids when she is out. She does good work and i am proud of her(probably haven't said that enough to her} and we need the extra $$.
One thing the pastor did help me out on at least is he gave out Dr. Harvey book for me to read. I pretty much have read the whole book. Have suggested for her to read it,but don't think she has put much effort into it.
She states that she love me but at time hates me. We just completed the love buster survey and emotional need survey. I wasn't totally surprise by alot of her answer. Although after reading mine she stated that we don't have anything left.
Most of my problems where annoyance of her and openness issues. Ex. locks door when on computer, feels i am trying to look over her should so will minimize screens when i am anywhere in vincinity. will not share passwords to different email accounts. sometimes leaves details out, i don't think purposely,about her weekend trips. Then gets mad with me if i address this with her and tells me that i am reading into things, asssuming too much, and placing her out of her character. This confuses me d/t day of her announcement she had discussed the idea of still remaining married for kids sake in name only but to each allow to do and see who we want if that came up. stated one of her bosses had this lifestyle wanted to know my thoughts on it. Was taken back that she was even entertained by it.
I am still madly in love with her, but i am not sure even though she states she loves me those feelings are true.
I went away for a 4 day vacation and she cleaned house but notice all the pictures with us together have been taken down. Questioned her on it stated she just hasn't had a chance to put them up. Sent her flowers for that weekend at her ofc. although they where delivered she wasn't at that ofc. that day. I confirmed long distance that florist delivered them to correct place. I then called her and questioned where she was at. She stated she was at other ofc. I felt like a idiot because i questioned her. Don't know what is going on with me, gut tells me she is already at seperation ave. I am not.
Looking for help, suggestions or anything.
Hve suggest counseling, she not enthused with it, plus we don't have a lot of $$ and time is scarce. She feels all they will do is make us do dumb exercises and won't resolve the issue.
Sorry for the long post.
She might read this and then again i don't think she will even come to this website after i suggested.
jets.

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Dated 7
married 14yr.
2 son age 10 and 8

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Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2004 | IP: Logged |

believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted July 09, 2004 10:50 PM
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. She has some of the signs of having an affair. I hope that is not the case. But when one spouse suddenly decides that the marriage is awful there could be another person. And the computer thing makes me wonder too.

Try posting on general questions because there is more traffic. Weekends are slow.

Also start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

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Married 8 years
Best friends 17 years
S22,S19,SD28,SD26,SD23,SS21,SSD17,SSD16

Plan A link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
"Sometimes He quiets the storm, and sometimes He quiets His child."

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Posts: 4302 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

jets
Junior Member
Member # 35905

posted July 10, 2004 12:29 AM
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Thanks believer
I have asked her straight out if there was someone else and she tells me know and gets offended that i suggested this. Which in turn makes me feel terrible. Although when i have asked if she would give up her email passwords she either evades or ignores my request. I have given her mine, but she is never on my site, d/t nothing interesting i guess. Placed a call to her tonight as she is on one of her weekend trips left vm. stating i loved her and missed her. Never got a call back. It Angers me though that she can get a call from one of her workers and she on the phone quicker (or returning the call) than the president on the red phone. I don't know what to do. Thought about hacking into her private accounts but if there is nothing there, that will be it as far as her trust for me.
Want to fix this marriage so bad don't know where to start. Not familiar with plan A.
How do i move this post to general section.

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Dated 7
married 14yr.
2 son age 10 and 8

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Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2004 | IP: Logged |

believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted July 10, 2004 12:54 AM
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Hi again. Just copy your first post and start new topic in general questions. Weekends are slow.

I do think your wife is having an affair. They always deny it. There is a whole script that they follow, and as you read more here, you will see the same thing over and over.

You can read about Plan A on the link in my signature line.

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Married 8 years
Best friends 17 years
S22,S19,SD28,SD26,SD23,SS21,SSD17,SSD16

Plan A link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
"Sometimes He quiets the storm, and sometimes He quiets His child."

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Posts: 4302 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

jets
Junior Member
Member # 35905

posted July 10, 2004 02:07 AM
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ThanksBeliever.
I still not convinced totally. Although i look back at some of events and it really puts it into question. My gut also tells me that she is definitely hiding something from me. If she is having a affair, sexual/or emotional.
How can i get her to admit it too me. As i said before i have asked her and she flatout denies it and really makes me feel like if i can't trust her then whats the point of the marriage. What if i am wrong and she not having one. I have just wrecked all the trust factor and am probably heading for seperation ave.
Read part A,thanks.

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Dated 7

Your wife is showing signs of an affair. She will not admit it to you. You will have to find out on your own.

Do not confront her because she will lie. Start checking. There are lots of ways to do that. You can put a key-logger on the computer, recorder on the phone, etc.

If you find nothing, that is good.

again thanks believer.
I am having a hard time accepting this. Have slept may one hour tonight. Will look into keylogger, Not sure how to record cell phone conf. considering she makes all her call via cell phone. Have looked at sprint web site and there is a login in to get detailed ph# but u need a password and i don't know what her's is.
Any suggestions for keyloggers??

Just spoke with W on cell phone. Finally calling me back. Basically telling me how wonderful she did with her work yesterday that she has picked up another client. To meet with him tomorrow. Was d/t come back Sun. morning now will be more like Sun Evening. I initially gave her the praise she was looking for ,1 of her love busters that iwasn't doing. Then i stated that now you will really be away from us. 3rd client, she already gone 2 weekend out of the mo and with a 3rd it will put us at 3 weekends. She states that she wants to try and work all 3 clients in one weekend, but theoretically that is good but reality is that cases don't always come in on the same weekends.
I then pretty much let it go with all that i had been thinking about over last 24 hours with regards to us. Reminded her no pictures of us in house, the cringing upon simple touching comments,and then saying she love me though. I reminded her that again i had to wait for over 12 hours for a return call but when one of her coworkers or clients call she right on top of it. She stated that she turned phone off last night and got the message this morning. Confusing to me because she never turns it off when she is at home. She got pissed and stated that she didn't want to get back into this argument. Stated that she just wanted to call me and tell me the good news about picking up extra business and that she loved me. Tried to explain that i wasn't trying to dump this on her should (another love buster for her)but that i was truly concerned with our relationship and although i was proud of her and credited her for her pick up i didn't see outside of $$ how this was going to help us now. I stated (probably a mistake} that sometimes i feel she likes this idea of going out of town for the weekend to get away from me. She stated that a matter of opinion. I stated that i Hadn't heard any different from her. She didn't say much to that. I don't know much of what going on with us right now. Others suggest she has some signs of affair. I just cannot picture her going to that it would be so out of character for her.
I told her i Loved her and i Want to try and save this marraige but not sure about her feelings. so far i have been the one to make suggestion with regards to HIS Needs /Her needs book, going to counciling and i don't get much of a reponse from her. Again told her i am confused that she states that she loves me but then states that she cringes when i touch her. She stated because it has been so long and now it seems like it too much and she not used to it.
I looked into keylogger for computer 14 day trial from looxee, but having problems getting into it.
Any suggestions about anything mention wouldn't hurt. I still love my wife and i am afraid she is starting to think seperation more seriously. It is hard for me to keep stuff in from her but when i get the issues out she states that i am trying to get it off my chest to put on her so that she feels like crap the rest of the day. Not my intention at least that i am aware of.

Believer is right...Your WS definately sounds like she is having an affair.

Get a PI if you have to. Snoop all you can!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jets... posted this reponse on JFO. Just copying it over here....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My gut also tells me that she is definitely hiding something from me. If she is having a affair, sexual/or emotional. How can i get her to admit it too me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything you've said points directly to an affair. Her reactions to your questions is one piece of evidence. That having been said, it is unlikely that you will ever get her to admit it to you. She doesn't want the affair to end.

I would advise putting a spyware on your computer (I used SpectorPro and it was incredible. Check it out at www.spectorsoft.com . You'll soon have an answer. And unfortunately, my gut (and yours) tells you the answer won't be good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As i said before i have asked her and she flatout denies it and really makes me feel like if i can't trust her then whats the point of the marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wayward spouses often make this case to throw their spouses off track and get the blame pointed anywhere but at themselves. It's a tactic that always fails to ultimately persuade anyone, but it works temporarily. You've stopped asking the question, right? She figured you would. But you aren't convinced. Nor should you be with all the evidence she's leaving around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if i am wrong and she not having one. I have just wrecked all the trust factor and am probably heading for seperation ave.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ignore your gut meter. It is usually right. And what if you are wrong?

If you're wrong and she's not having an affair, you can add your irrational sense of mistrust to your counseling topics, right up with the one about why your wife feels she needs to hide things from you.

You can choose to do nothing. But I think that will get you to separation avenue faster than you think.

Take care.

~ Snow

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Jets

as a FWW myself your wife unfortunately shows all the signs of someone having an affair. I really hope we have it wrong here for you but I don't think so.

Every excuse she used, and will use, just read this forum & you will quickly see them all, I also used. I just went through them all a lot quicker than most.
In the end I came up with a ridiculous story about helping a 'friends' marriage...yeah sure!!

Your wife has already mentioned a manager of her work who is in 'the lifestyle' of swinging???? or some such stupid thing? I don't know if you have to go too far to find the OM..JMO of course. BUT I bet you he is cheating on HIS wife as well if thats the case.

Jets you check it all out & use any method to do so. If you find nothing then yes you CAN add a unfounded fear of her cheating on you to the list of things you want to improve on....sadly I think you won't have too.

So Jets it comes down to firstly finding out if your fears are justified, and if they are WHAT do you do??? End the M or try to repair it. Thats all you really have in the end you know.

Anyway before you face THAT question find out if the facts = affair.......then come back here BEFORE you confront your wife and ask for some advice from some very experienced caring people who are helping me and so many others, because I guess you will be hurting alot .

Heres hoping everyones guess here is wrong Jet...I really do.
Please take care of yourself too ok?..

Thanks,Snowbelle and Crazeddove.
I hope and pray that i am wrong. Agree gut meter never lies.
If true just can't understand how she could do this to our kids, let alone me. Guess i will reflect more on that once i have some sure answers.
Too many questions left for me. She is a Nurse and her clients are attorneys that she reviews medical issues with for court. Never heard of lawyers ofc. being open on Sat and Sun. unless some spec. arrangement made by her.
I have never seen a check issued to her. One time i confronted her on this with the one lawyer she works with for tax purposes. I think her reply was that she didn't make enough money with this guy for taxes or he just gave her money.
I know if i start asking about things she has been doing over weekend she will know i am suspicisous. One time went through her purse (she was very pissed) and found a ticket to baseball game when i questioned it she stated that her client bought tickets for everyone in the ofc. she just couldnt say now and go home.
One point in one of our arguments i had mentioned something about this particalar attorney client and out of anger referred to him as a idiot. She got very defensive attitude with regards to him and qouted back to me that he "He wasn't the idiot i was"
every one is saying affair, and i will admit the clues all point to that. I just can't ever picture her going to that extreme.
I appreciate advice and keep u updated.
Thanks
Jets

I can't speak for you, but you sound a lot like me before dday with my wife. I KNEW something wasn't right, I had an idea about something was wrong, but I thought, "no way, she'd never do that, it's too extreme, it's totally out of character." Listen, man, get a good spyware put it on now! Make sure it's one that is hidden from user while she's on. Everything you've mentioned points directly to an A. I'm sorry to tell you that and I would love to be wrong and I may be, but if your gut is telling you that don't ignore it. I ignored mine and it got me into a world of trouble.

You asked, "how could she do this?" Listen, if she is in the affair, she is like a drug user on crack. It literally is like an addiction. She is getting some Emotional Need met by someone and they will lie, cheat do whatever to continue that need getting met. If you're able get a P.I. > whatever, but don't wait, you'll be sick if you're delaying only makes it worse.

Also, stay on this site. These people all are going through exactly what you're going through. Your story is 100 other people's story on this site. It's horrible, but it's true.

Hey Jet,

I did post on the other message you had, but I would like to post here as well. Your story hit home way to hard as it was the exact situation that I went through not long ago aswell and at that time, I sure wish I had access to a help forum such as this.

I have to agree with everyone in here though and by experiance.

The need to find out the truth is so very important right now, if you don't, your going to drive yourself insane with questions... everything will be a question as it appears it is already doing to you.

I had the e-mails and I had the phone conversations and my wife still denied it was happening.. I did how ever take a beating for invading her privicy, her boyfriend who did not exist could not believe that I would stoop so low, I still laugh about that..

Your story is way to close, I get the gut feeling for you and I am sorry that I have to agree with everyone in this forum.

I do wish you the best, I do hope we are all wrong. The fact the she needs to hide things from you is the first sign that there is a serious trust issue already broken between you...

The one other item, which I think you will find is "calling cards" this way, the bill she gets shows no phone numbers she is calling, just a local calling company.. (sorry, just stuff I found) The rest of the stuff the others talked about were exactly what I used and they did slam me in the face with reality when the truth came out. But at least I did not have to think I was going crazy.

Sorry you are going through all this. I still suspect your wife is having an affair. But don't ask her about it, because she will get angry and lie. Then she will get more careful covering her tracks.

Get the keylogger. Then you will know for sure.

None of us thought our spouses would have an affair. The signs were right in front of me for 6 months - but I never even thought of it.

By the way, stay in Plan A.

Thanks, all for advice all.
tonight again i place 2 more messages to her VM. Still no return call, guess she either out having a good time or still pissed at me from this morning love buster i gave her. I was able to get the KL to work. Will try it out tomorrow night because i know as soon as i go out to walk the dog she be back at this computer checking her email(another common pattern} I have even gone as far as trying to look at the computer screen throught the window while she thinks i am still out but wasn't able to read any of the IM. Once saw her stop in middle of IM to answer cell phone call. then saw her laying on the floor smile as she was talking, wasn't for long and i don't know who it was, but by her relaxed posture figured it had to be someone she wanted to talk too. Might be reading into a bit there.
Unfortuanately as mentioned before she make all her calls from cell phone which has no detailed bill unless you have pass word and i don't know what her's is.
Want to add this Going back 6 or more years ago before cell. I busted her for 200.00 worth of long distance call. AT that time we got a detailed phone list. I picked up on the cont. number that was being dialed at times either when i had just left for work or wasn't home yet. I decided to dial the number and it was some guy in chicago. Never found out his name wasn't inportant, but found out she met this guy online. When i confronted her initially she lied don't remember what it was but when i let her know the details of when the calls where made , when i wasn't around she finally fussed up. she felt pretty guilty and ashamed. Then the dude started to call us after he had not heard from her in a while. She got panicky and told me that is when we changed our ph# I believe.
I occs. bring this up when the topic comes into the discussion of trust and she tells me to let it go it was 6 yrs. ago.
Any suggestions for cell phone at least monitoring the number?? i guess i could buy a cheap recorder and plant it, but she has been know to do last min. pickups at grocery store and always takes the cell another hint, i guess.
Don't understand if she see's i am starting to try put the puzzle together. Why doesn't she just admit it. So one of us can move on. Still confused if she is having one how she can turn around and tell me she Loves me, but i make her angry sometimes.
Will keep u updated.

Hey there. I feel really bad for you, as you are as in the dark about what is really happening as I was. I didn't think it was in the realm of a possibility for my W. Unfortunately IT WAS! Do your homework. Hire an investigator, plant listening devices. Your W is ROBBING YOU OF YOUR FREEDOM!!! Act now. The longer it continues, the harder it is to "undo.' Good Luck. my prayers are with you.

Hi Jets,

" Why doesn't she just admit it. So one of us can move on. Still confused if she is having one how she can turn around and tell me she Loves me, but i make her angry sometimes."

Admitting it defeats the purpose. WS want to "have their cake and eat it too". The "I love you's" while WS is out "doin' the nasty" is "common speak" during A's. It's as if they all read from the same script. As you read more here at MB, you will find the same "themes" and "schemes" repeated over and over again.

If you haven't done so already, read SAA (Surviving and Affair) and HNHN (Her Needs, His Needs). These two manuals and the wisdom of those here at MB's will provide the tools necessary to understand what went wrong and to correct those deficiencies.

I wish you well my friend.

My saga

Well after several attempts today let alone yesterday i was finally able to get my w to call me back and talk with me in person. She admitted that she was angry yesterday with regards as the way i treated her news about a new prospect. She stated that she wanted to call me about that and tell me that she loved me and i all did was co. because that with this other prospect it would take her away from me. This is true, but she dosesn't see the reason i reacted this way. I feel like i am the only one right now that cares about this marriage and about do anything to save it. She stated that she tired of being put down for trying to better herself with her carreer. I have given her credit for things but she doesn't acknowledge it or feel that it is good enough.
She states that she turn her phone off and went to bed around nine last night. i told her that i called 12 , 6, and nine. she admitted that she was angry with me and didn't want to return my calls. I got vm from her today with regards to her agenda for the day and basically ended with goodbyes. No I love you or anythings. When i finally was able to get her to call me back i explain to her that i appologized for not making her feel better about herself and her accomplishments of picking up a new prospect. i tried to explain to her why as mentioned above. I told her that i felt gut feeling that i was losing her to something. She stated she tired of crying, and also with ache in her stomach. then stated that she tired of me not giving her any credit with her jobs. I just told her that we spend so little time together now that it going to be even worse. She also stated that it was always about the way I feel not about her. I told her that i don't know the way she feels because all she states When i ask her why she feels the way she does is I don't know. She states that over the years she built up a wall to shield her from me this is why now when sometimes i touch her it makes her cringe. States that she been feeling like this for the last year. I advised her that i didn't recognize this d/t was still getting physical intimacy from her. she states that this was done to not here me whine. A few mo. ago she had asked her boss for two tickets to her job one for me and her. I approached her on this for this upcomming weekend. She stated i leave on thurs how would u get off work. I said i would take time off. She hesitated. She said that i will be mad and get in argument with her there because she has to go to work. Sounds to me like she doesn't want me to go. She ended it by saying she had to get off the phone because she couldn't drive and feel this way. Stated that something has to be done d/t way she feels andthat we will talk about it tonight. Not looking forward to this.
She make me feel like i am panicking. She keeps saying we need to take it one day at a time and get off this subject because she tired of crying and being upset. I don't know what to make of this. so many things that are conflicting. Everyone else see's a affair. Maybe i don't want too but i am afraid the majority will rule in this.
I hate being felt like i am breaking one of her love busters by spouting off on her with regards to how i am feeling, but i am upset that she is not as upset with our relationship like i am. She states that she has been for a year, u just didn't see it. I said i have seen now for the past mo and a half. She stated good i am glad you are finally seeing it. Does all this sound like she having a affair? I don't see her physically but emotionally yes. I going to tap into her accounts tonight I am afraid of what i am going to find. I hope nothing. I told her i was tired of being alone just me and the kids. Told her i want our old selves back again. She didn't respond much to this. I felt maybe i have lost her. Sorry for the long letter I had to vent.
jets

Expect the worst, but hope for the best. When I found out for sure, I felt much better. Then I knew I wasn't crazy. My WH kept telling me he loved me and things in our marriage would get better. All the time he was doing the OW.

Hello all,
Update,
you where all on the money. I keylogged into her account last night and had read message dated for at least two mo that indicated that she was having a affair. I then confronted her about it after checking with the kids based on one email read that the other guy was in my house on one of the days that i was out of town and according to her as well as the kids he spent the night and slept on the couch, but she made him breakfast in the morning as well as his kids. Man, been divorced in navy living on the boat and has joint custody of his kids. I can't remember the last time i was made breakfast. I am feeling like a real chump and fool. Here i went along with everything she said thinking i was the paranoid one and this affair had been going on for 3mo. she states that she never slept with him and i didn't read all the 100's of emails sent and sent from him, and she states all she has done has hugged and kissed him, but i can't trust anything she states anymore. She admitted to me last night that her feelings of love for me the way it used to be are gone and that she is starting to having feelings for this guy, but states that he was not teh reaason this happen that it happened over a hyear ago when she feel out of love with me. I guess because i wasn't meeting her emotional needs. we where already talking seperation joint custody liveing arrangements after this in the middle of the night and then i wisened up and stated that i wasn't just going to lay down and let her walk all over me. She was the one that had the affair. Threats came out with the custody with me and her. She became scared d/t not wanting to lose custody of her kids because she was the one who had a affair and i was the one who wasn't meeting her needs that she should have to be the one to suffer a miserable life. We talk more and finally agreed to counseling at this point,but made clear to her that she had to cut off all ties with the lover. She agrees but then states that she wants to still have her email accounts (she eliminated the ones i found the info on this morning when i was out). i feel she is waffeling on this don't know if i can ever beleive her again. I stated if no love me now then we stay together for kids sake. Probably not a good plan but i don't want to see them suffer. I want to make this marraige work and is hoping that counseling will help(shecduled for tomorrow. )because i still love her, but she states that she wants make it work for the kids sake. Don't know it has been a long day very tearful for both parties. Parents are aware and now feel like both parties are trying to manipulate us with custody rights. although it is a outside perspective that may see that counseling might not work. She too doubts before we have had even one session. She states what if it doesn't work i don't want to lose my boys. I told her i would take them away but i can't follow her all over the us if involved with someone else who who knows might have to move. not fair for me. she states she won't although i know that can change and don't trust her now.
My trust factor is gone with her. I feel she is always telling me the truth about this afair. Initially told me she met the guy at her work and then this afternoon admitted she met him online.
what is the truth and what is not??
May seek counseling session from attorney in near future to find out my options.
Thanks allfor listening and support.
jets

Sorry that you found this out. But now is the time to be strongly in Plan A. Your wife needs to have no contact with other man. But go to the counseling and keep reading and posting here.

You can recover and have a great marriage. Your wife is still in the "fog", but she will come out of it, if she has no contact.

Please, please don't give up now. You have to be the stronger one, to save your family. You can do this, and we will help you.

Hi Jets,

Glad it is all out on the table. Your wife is using the classic, "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You" excuse. Can't tell you how many times we've heard that before!

Pay no attention to her words right now, Jets, because she is probably lying about the depth of the affair. Little by little it will all come out. And it hurts. Like crazy. But you can get through it.

I wish you hadn't blown you cover too soon and tipped her off about the email accounts. It is likely she closed the ones you knew about, but she can easily open up new ones, too.

Plan A should be your only offence right now. It's too early to talk about divorce, or who gets custody of the kids. Don't go there. If you want to make your marriage work, then that is the only conversation you take part in. I am glad you are getting into counseling right away.

Talk with your wife about writing this OM a no contact letter. And learn all you can about him. I would not be so quick to believe he is not married. He might be divorced, but he might only be separated and your wife might be protecting him.

I'm sorry your fears were true. But I am glad you are here to get support.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

HEY ALL THANKS FOR YOUR support.
counseling went good tonight.
now mad i got back into the email account found out affair been going on as long as dec. of last year as i can tell.
she had sex with him several times. most of the weekend trips she was taking where meeting up with him.
the idiot emailed her while i was checking i emailed him back and advised him that it is over and that he ruined my marriage. wife not home yet, but if she has made contact with him she will know what i emailed him. i dont'know what to do. don't know if i will ever establish her love for me again i think she is in this counseling for the kids only. Don't know what to do.