Need advise from the "coaching" staff:

My saga


As was to be expected, WW "fantasy romance" has hit a "snag" and I'm looking for advise on how to capitalize on this. Last night (Fri) communiqué btwn WW & OM indicated "ups and downs" during their two days together (they spend Thur PM & Frid 'til ~5:00 PM together at an isolated "love nest"). Believe OM "may be having second thoughts" re. A.

This may be my first opportunity to allow all the Plan "A"ing to begin paying off. Bearing in mind that disclosure to OMW (originally planned for today) had already been delayed 'til mid-week, I need thoughts/advise on how best to capitalize on this turn of events. I feel a real opportunity here!

Unfortunately, it is my belief that WW feels that the point of no return re. US has been reached ("how can *** (me) ever forgive this…"), and that this belief will prevent her from even considering US as a viable option.

In light of WW belief, I have constantly stated my unwaivering love for her and that I would wait as long as it took to take her back. Sensing (possibly) an opportunity, I sent her a card (she received it last night) stating that "no matter where her journey took her, or how long she searched...she would never find a love like mine" (she thanked me twice for the card...hmmm).

I want to capitalize, but I DON'T WANT TO BLOW THIS...

they blundgeon us with clubs, we sway them with feathers...

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

Wow! Good recon man, how'd you get privy to that communique... that was awesome. But, anyway... this is a great opportunity. Your WW is seeing this guy is in it for the sex and not wanting to pursue a relationship. The fantasy scales are going to be falling off here. As the scales fall off her eyes, you be there, be loving, be patient, NO LB!! Don't expect too much. Usually from what I hear it won't be the a reunion like we would want, (two lovers running toward each other in a field.) Usually it's her returning reluctantly and with lots of guilt, shame, and withdrawals. OMG that's tough. She will treat you with contempt and hurt you... but... be there for her. Love her despite of her treatment of you.

Man, stay in it. As far as the forgiveness thing... I'm still struggling with that too. Those mental images keep coming back. They aren't as strong as they used to be, but they come back at the darndest times.

Out!

Hi Running,

Yes, you and I have discussed "those mental images" in another thread (can never track the threads -damn). We'll "deal" with that later…gotta handle one "battle" at a time.

Since the "fog" is probably thicker than ever (R now producing smoke too), I just want to make the right "deposit" in the old Love Bank. I really believe the "Bank" will be open this PM, and want to "stash as much cash" as possible.


they bludgeon us with clubs, we sway them with feathers

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

This is the kind of affair that blows right apart when the spouse is told and the affair exposed. This OM has no intention of leaving his W. He is just getting laid on the side and is perfectly happy with that. However, he has no intention of leaving his W. Telling his W is critical. When are you telling her?

P.S. I would guess that about right now your W is feeling like a major chump because she has realized she is just sex to him and nothing more. That is a MAJOR INSULT to a woman and she will look at you and see that you really love her, whereas the OM has admitted he doesn't at all. She probably doesn't want to really admit it yet, but she knows it. And he is probably getting weary of her pushing for more.

Anyway, don't worry about your M. Once she withdraws from the OM, which is very likely given the situation, she can grow to love you again if you learn to meet her needs. Do you know what drew her to the OM? Were there problems in your marriage?

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hi MelodyLady,

My Saga

Click on above for details.

In reflecting on the "situation", believe subtle is still the best approach. Unfortunately, I believe the largest hurdle to our reconciliation and the recovery of our marriage is her belief that she has passed the point where I can possibly still love her and that these A's have irrepairably damaged our marriage.

At some point, I'm prepared for the "it won't work, we can't try again"...my anticipated response is..."I don't want to try again. I want to START OVER!" Both of us adopting the MB program. Both of us working the SAA & HNHN principles.

Do you think she is addicted to internet affairs? I get that this is more than just AN addiction to a person. Do you see that?

And what do you mean when you say she wants to seek "alternative spirituality?" Is she trying to contact your boy? How old was he when he died? What did he die of?

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Ron - Sounds very good. Remember no LB's. Come here to vent.

What encouraged my WH is that I told him that I loved him, and believed that we could get through this together. He was very hopeless about it. But I told him that MarriageBuilders has a plan to follow, and they have lots of successes.

That gave him hope.

Hi (again) ML,

"Do you think she is addidcted to internet affairs" YES!! Amplification - original problem(s) were with EAs. Actually, addiction is to Internet Chat. The "problem" is that these have led to PAs due to RL (Real Life) meetings with these "soul mates".

"...she wants to seek 'alternative spirituality' " Like most of us, WW is seeking the meaning of life. Her role in the "scheme" of life. WW is "into" aroma therapy, holistic medicine (she's a health care professional), crystals, mystics, the teaching(s) of Emmanuel (?). She believes she has a "spirit guide" (a dead Rabbi - don't laugh, and we're not even Jewish).

And yes, it is my FIRM belief that ALL of this stems from the loss of our son. I can say without reservation...SHE WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO TALK TO OUR SON

"How (old) was he when he died? What did he die of?...Our son was 20 yrs, 6 mos when he committed suicide. Now that requires some explanation. Unlike "normal" conditions, the suicide was a rejection of a set of circumstances in which he suddenly found himself, rather than a rejection of any individual. It was a "snap" decision, made under conditions of extreme duress, and not a decision that had (I believe) been anticipated or planned for.

Ron, I am so sorry about your boy. I know there is nothing more horrifying than that but I could relate very well to what you said when you compared your wife's affairs to to your son's death.

See, my 18 yr old son was killed in a car accident 4 years ago, just a few months after my H of 20 years left me. So, I understand what you mean when you say the pain is similar.

The difference, I have found, is that the pain from the marriage eventually goes away when the problem goes away [I am long divorced and remarried now] but the pain of losing a child NEVER goes away. For me, it has muted as time goes on, but it NEVER goes away. God Bless ya, Ron, you have been through hell.

P.S. and when you mentioned the alternative spirituality, the first thing that came to my mind is: she is trying to reach her boy! I went through that phase for awhile, too, but studied the issue from a Christian standpoint, and realized that I couldn't contact him. That put it to rest for me, fortunately.

Sorry to hear that Ron. A grief support group might help, or the Grief Recovery Handbook, which is wonderful.

I can see the end of the A coming. Take it easy, and don't LB. You have to realize that she is hurting and addicted. You will have to be the strong one, and show her the way home.

Well, in keeping with my thought that "subtle" is best, I think I'll just "be here" when she gets home. After a 12 hour shift she's always exhausted and I'm hopeful that she'll allow me to simply provide a gentle comforting hug.

IF anything else develops, I'll play it by ear. (No, I'm not a very good chess player! I long ago quit trying to predict people. They are unpredictable.)