OK....I'm goingt o try to make a long story short. Really hard for me to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My sister has a son the same age as my middle daughter....7.
I've babysat him here and there over the last couple of years. Never had much of a problem.

I decided to help her out this summer and watch him 3 days a week for summer vacation. I really didn't want to as my youngest is going into 1st grade this coming school year and I wanted to spend alot of time with the girls, but I didnt want to leave my sister in a bind either.
The only other place she has to take him is her mothers (we have different mothers).
Her mother works 3rd shift so she sleeps alot during the day leaving her son to do nothing but watch tv most of the morning. This is why I decided to help.

Well....I have watched him for 3 weeks. Haven't had too much trouble other than the usual arguing with the kids and the fact that he gets bored because we have a house full of "girly" toys and he is all boy.

He is an only child..and my sister and his father are divorced and they have both remarried. He is very spoiled and has an attitude just like my sisters. He's better than anyone else....can do things better than anyone else.....blah blah blah. My sister knows that I don't like this attitude and won't tolerate it.
My girls know that they are no better than anyone else and that winning at something isn't the most important thing...it's the fun you have doing it.

Well..I took them to the library the other day and they each got a video. They called their turns in watching them on the way home. My youngest first....then my nephew and then my middle daughter.
Everything was going fine until my nephew decided that he was done watching Hello Kitty about a hlaf hour into the movie.
I was in the other room cleaning when I heard them all screaming at each other and came in the room to see what was going on.
My nephew was trying to take the video out of the VCR and my daughters weren't happy about it.
I thought I had it solved and everything worked out until about 5 minutes later I heard my nephew calling the girls names and saying that it wasn't fair that they always got their way.

I went in there again and asked what was going on. My nephew said that he was tired of them always getting their way and being first.
I explained to him that they all agreed on the order that they would watch the movies and that is how it was going to be. There is a tv with a VCR and a DVD player in the girls' room and if he wanted to watch his movie right now then he could go in there and watch it. Otherwise he would wait his turn.
I also reminded him that name calling was not allowed in my house and reminded him yet again and went on to explain that he was in my house and I had a different set of rules than he did at home when he rolled his eyes at me and walked out of the room in the middle of my sentence. Now....my kids know that if they would have done that......there would be SERIOUS consequenses. That is a total lack of respect and I don't tolerate that.

BUT.....I was so mad that I had to just stand there for a couple of minutes and collect myself. I went back to the girls' room where he went and told him that what he did was very rude and that I wouldn't tolerate it again. He would either get a spanking or a time out if it happened again. I was still pretty mad and I don't make decisions when I'm mad.

I had already talked to my sister about him bullying the girls into doing things his way and telling them that he wouldn't talk to them if they did something he didn't like. Not hitting or anything....just threatening not to talk to them or play with them or even come over anymore or invite them out to play at his house.

My sister came to pick him up at the usual time and I told her what had happened. I told her that he was lucky he didn't get his A$$ busted and she said....that would have made me mad.
I told her that I didn't care whether she got mad or not. He was at my house and he would follow the same rules that the girls follow. Now granted my kids rarely ever get spankings....maybe 2 times in their lifetime....but sometimes they are warranted.

My girls aren't perfect....but they respect me and their dad and they know what the rules are and they know what is expected of them.

My nephew on the other hand has pretty much been let to run wild. Gets everything he wants and gets treated like an adult rather than a 7 year old boy.

I phone my sister the other day and told her that she would have to find someone else to watch him if he was going to continue to act that way in my house.

He has now decided that he no longer wants me to watch him. This doesn't bother me as I saw it as more of a bother than anything else. Since him and the girls don't get along and that's the only time him and my sister come around...when they want something.

Now....I have several people mad at me...my sister included....but I don't really care. This is my house and I have rules that have to be followed.

Am I wrong in this?
I don't think I am....but then again I really hate for him to have to spend most of his time watching tv and not having anyone to play with. On the other hand though....if he isn't going to respect my rules and follow them then I can't tolerate him in my house.

ALOT of this falls on my sister because she is the one that has allowed this behaviour from him. She said that he's never done that to her...and I told her it was because she never discipines him so he's never had the opportunity to do it to her. When he comes here he gets discipline...and of course that made her mad.
She comes to me for advice sometimes and I tell her how it is...and tell her from my own experiences, but then she gets mad when I tell her what HER problem is. I don't think she understands that he acts the way she ALLOWS him to act.

What's everyone elses opinion on this?

MP,
So, they are mad at you when it's the boy that made the decision that he won't go to your house?

Your house, your rules should be reasonable. And it sounds like your rules and the order of activities are reasonable.

However, I don't think spanking should be in your bag of punishments for someone else's child. I was a certified home day care provider for about 6 years, and spanking, hitting was not allowed.

Re-stating rules, time outs, calling the parents to come get their children, ending the business arrangement were allowed.

I don't know why you think you and your sister's mother are her only choices. No daycares? No YMCA programs?

Miss Priss,

If you don't want to watch the boy, you don't have to. There is nothing wrong with telling your sister that it isn't working out. And leave it at that. No judgments, no lectures.

If you are considering continuing watching him, though, you need an attitude adjustment. I would submit that he doesn't want to stay at your house anymore because you treat him differently than your girls and he feels unwelcome. And he's probably bored to death because there are only girl toys around!

Here's the thing. Most boys are harder to raise than most girls. You have some sweet girls who need spanking only a couple of times a year? Consider yourself blessed, Miss Priss! Raising my daughter has been a walk in the park compared to her three brothers.

You say he watched Hello Kitty for a whole half hour before he lost it? You're not giving this kid much credit. My three boys wouldn't have watched if for half a minute, let alone half an hour. I am impressed with his self-control!!!

Considering he is an only child and a boy at that, I think his response was predicatble. But your experience with your girls leads you to believe your nephew is acting spoiled. I don't think that is fair.

I highly doubt this kid thinks he is better than your girls, and I think your attitude toward him reflects more your opinion of his mother. You speak very harshly and judge your sister, and unfairly so in my opinion. What works at their house doesn't work at yours. That doesn't make her a lazy mother who never disciplines her son, nor your nephew a raging brat.

It means that he has never had to get along with more than a couple of people at a time, people who don't share his interests at that.

A simple story. I know a couple whose six children were the talk of the church and community. They were so well-behaved, polite, and loving toward each other that people always sought out this couple for advice on raising their own children. The parents patted themselves on the back for their sound, solid child-raising technique of balanced love and discipline.... that is, until child number seven was born.

Children are born with a personality. And this child was, well, unlike the other six. She was willful and curious, strong-minded and tough. She resisted all discipline. She challenged her parents at every turn.

The parents came to realize that, essentially, they had lucked out six times. Their parenting skills were NEVER TESTED until number seven came along.

If you continue watching your nephew, do it for HIM, not your sister. Do it because you can help him learn to work well in a group of children and to help teach your girls that not everyone in the world is as easy-going as they are.

Watching your nephew is a sacrifice, not a duty. You don't owe it to anyone. But it should be a sacrifice you do willingly or you will soon resent him and your sister (I think you already do). Nobody will win.

Check out some books on raising boys or strong-willed children and see your nephew through different eyes. Then, if you decide you will still watch him, I predict it won't be nearly as difficult.

~ Snow

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Just my opinion ...

Your nephew is running his family and is not a happy kid. Children who are in charge and who don't have rules and boundaries rarely are.
It was extremely generous and gracious of you to help your sister with the boy. You also show real understanding that he is different from the girls - you said he is "all boy."

We have an only child - a boy. He gets along fine with girls, but the kind of activities and the kind of energy boys have is very different.

Like Lor said, there are camps, YMCA's, other things where kids can be with others who have their kind of energy. If your sister really needs a place for him to go, it would be better for him to be enrolled in someplace like that. There is financial aid available if she looks into it.

I don't know the situation, but it seems that she just wants free day care. You were gracious and generous to offer your home, and you shouldn't feel guilty that they don't want to abide by your rules.

Your home and family and their welfare and security have to come first. You explained the rules, set out the policies, gave the little boy a chance, and it's not your responsibility to "rescue" your sister and her son. It's her responsibility to mother him.

I feel sorry for your nephew, but not because of your boundaries or your rules or anything you said. (Oh, threatening a spanking? Piffle. He'll get over that particular "traumatic threat." We never spanked our son, never threatened to spank him, he was always "timed out" and that worked for him. Nonetheless, I don't see that a spanking to "get their attention" is a bad thing. It depends on the kid.)

I feel sorry for your nephew because from what you wrote, he has a sorry situation in his family and his mother makes up for lack of attention and parenting by being overly permissive. He really isn't having a childhood.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lor (Lor)
Member # 545 posted July 10, 2004 11:43 AM
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MP,
So, they are mad at you when it's the boy that made the decision that he won't go to your house?

Your house, your rules should be reasonable. And it sounds like your rules and the order of activities are reasonable.

However, I don't think spanking should be in your bag of punishments for someone else's child. I was a certified home day care provider for about 6 years, and spanking, hitting was not allowed.

I don't know why you think you and your sister's mother are her only choices. No daycares? No YMCA programs?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not the one saying that my sisters mother is the only option. She is as she won't take him anywhere he doesn't want to go.

I agree that spanking shouldn't be in my options now that I have thought about it more.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Snowbelle
Member # 23519 posted July 10, 2004 12:47 PM
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If you are considering continuing watching him, though, you need an attitude adjustment. I would submit that he doesn't want to stay at your house anymore because you treat him differently than your girls and he feels unwelcome. And he's probably bored to death because there are only girl toys around!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree with me needing an attitude adjustment. This is my house and my rules will be followed.
I treat my nephew just as I treat my girls, actually he gets away with ALOT more than they do. As for there only being girl toys around...well...him and his mother both knew that when he decided to stay here during the day. I suggested that he bring things that he wanted to play with but he never bothered.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You say he watched Hello Kitty for a whole half hour before he lost it? You're not giving this kid much credit. My three boys wouldn't have watched if for half a minute, let alone half an hour. I am impressed with his self-control!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm giving him as much credit as he deserves. He could have left the room, watched his movie in the other room, which was offered, but instead he took it upon himself to decide that the movie was over and to take it out while the other 2 were still watching it. I don't call that self-control...I call that wanting to be in control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Considering he is an only child and a boy at that, I think his response was predicatble. But your experience with your girls leads you to believe your nephew is acting spoiled. I don't think that is fair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My oldest daughter was an only child for the first 6 years of her life and she NEVER acted this way. I know that boys are different than girls and I'm not comparing the 2.
My nephew is spoiled. He runs his household. Everything is done with HIS permission. He has never had any rules to follow and has never been disciplined....it's always chalked up to....oh...he's a boy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I highly doubt this kid thinks he is better than your girls, and I think your attitude toward him reflects more your opinion of his mother. You speak very harshly and judge your sister, and unfairly so in my opinion. What works at their house doesn't work at yours. That doesn't make her a lazy mother who never disciplines her son, nor your nephew a raging brat.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes...my nephew thinks that he is better than everyone...not just my girls. I do not judge my sister. It's a plain and simple fact that she has a nasty attitude...everyone and anyone that knows her agrees...even her parents.
I never said she was a lazy mother....she just doesn't know how to set boundaries, make him follow rules....and discipline if those rules are broken. She allows him do as he pleases...a proven fact.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Bellevue
Member # 5503 posted July 10, 2004 12:51 PM
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Just my opinion ...

Your nephew is running his family and is not a happy kid. Children who are in charge and who don't have rules and boundaries rarely are.
It was extremely generous and gracious of you to help your sister with the boy. You also show real understanding that he is different from the girls - you said he is "all boy."

We have an only child - a boy. He gets along fine with girls, but the kind of activities and the kind of energy boys have is very different.

Like Lor said, there are camps, YMCA's, other things where kids can be with others who have their kind of energy. If your sister really needs a place for him to go, it would be better for him to be enrolled in someplace like that. There is financial aid available if she looks into it.

I don't know the situation, but it seems that she just wants free day care. You were gracious and generous to offer your home, and you shouldn't feel guilty that they don't want to abide by your rules.

Your home and family and their welfare and security have to come first. You explained the rules, set out the policies, gave the little boy a chance, and it's not your responsibility to "rescue" your sister and her son. It's her responsibility to mother him.

I feel sorry for your nephew, but not because of your boundaries or your rules or anything you said. (Oh, threatening a spanking? Piffle. He'll get over that particular "traumatic threat." We never spanked our son, never threatened to spank him, he was always "timed out" and that worked for him. Nonetheless, I don't see that a spanking to "get their attention" is a bad thing. It depends on the kid.)

I feel sorry for your nephew because from what you wrote, he has a sorry situation in his family and his mother makes up for lack of attention and parenting by being overly permissive. He really isn't having a childhood.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You hit the nail on the head with your opinion.

My sister doesn't want to pay for child care. PLUS she wouldn't take him anywhere he didn't want to go. They run in circles trying to please this kid all the time.

You are exactly right about him not having a childhood now that I think about it.
He is treated more like an adult than a child.

Here's a good one.

My sister and her husband drink every now and then. We were at a family function and they had bottles of beer. My nephew wanted to be cool so his mom put some pop in one of the empty bottles for him so he could act like he was drinking beer.

Myabe my opinion of this was wrong....but I totally disagreed with it. Maybe because my H and I don't drink is why I disagreed with it so much....but I don't think so.

Thanks for your opinions.

Miss Priss: Not sure if you need another opinion or not, but here's mine.

I think you did fine. It's your house, your rules. You were fair. My sisters kids are much younger than mine. She has a BA in Psychology (spelling?). Before she had kids it was you need to do this or do that. I always thought "wait until you have kids." Well, she finally did.

The first was a girl (now about 4+) and for 2-3 years she got away with murder (IMO). Now she has a son about 1.5-2. Initially, I think she was afraid to discipline them. I think she's finally seen the light b/c she can't pawn them off on just anybody anymore. Their not exactly angels but they're not quite the devils they used to be.

When they come over (more to visit), but occasionally my W will watch them while my sister cleans up at my moms, they still don't listen as well as mine did, but they know what a spanking is (because they'll listen when I threaten it). Now I won't give them a hard spanking (because my S never approved it), but the kids don't necessarily know that and so far the threat seems to be enough. This probably wouldn't/didn't work in your case since the nephew probably never had a spanking before (or at least not an effective one given with love).

Anyway, it sounds like your kids have a good and loving mom and family. Good luck to your sister and nephew.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
RH

Recovering H,

Thanks for your opinion.

My sister-in-law used to try to tell me that I needed to do this or that with my oldest daughter and I used to say the same thing...wait until you have kids.

She has a 9 year old boy now. He's all boy too....but behaves completely different from my sisters son.

I've watched my oldest nephew several times too...he's a little more hyper than my 7 year old nephew, but I've never once had to discipline him. He's an only child also. It's strange how 2 kids who have similar backgrounds can act so differently.

I have had the 2 of them together also. That didn't go very well either.

MP -

I have a differnt concern. I'll tell you my experience with a similar situation.

My nephew is a holy terror and I absolutely dreaded his visits. He was mean and disrespectful and he tortured my oldest daughter (baby wasn't born yet). After one terrible visit it hit me. He was acting out around my daughter because she had something he didn't...she lived with both of her parents and we were completely devoted to her. He, on the ohter hand, rarely saw his dad, lives with his mom (who pays him no attention). Most of his support comes from his grandparents, who he and his mother live with.

I realized he just wanted to be loved like that. So, now when he visits we try to shower him with attention. We have told my girls to try to deal with his behavior as best they can wihtout getting upset with him. We treat him no differently then we do our girls when he's around. He has become much easier to handle and now we look forward to seeing him.

I know this situation is different then yours but I think you get the jist of what I'm saying. I know how you feel when it comes to his child. Do you think that he could be crying out for attention here? His parents are divorced, he has 2 new step parents to deal with, no rules, no boundries, then he comes to your house and your girls have everything a little child could ever want...mother who wants to spend time with them, trips to the library, and let's not forget they have each other.

Do you think a part of him resents that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> heroswife
Member # 33088 posted July 12, 2004 09:28 AM
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MP -

I have a differnt concern. I'll tell you my experience with a similar situation.

My nephew is a holy terror and I absolutely dreaded his visits. He was mean and disrespectful and he tortured my oldest daughter (baby wasn't born yet). After one terrible visit it hit me. He was acting out around my daughter because she had something he didn't...she lived with both of her parents and we were completely devoted to her. He, on the ohter hand, rarely saw his dad, lives with his mom (who pays him no attention). Most of his support comes from his grandparents, who he and his mother live with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not really sure about him acting out.

My sister and her new husband spend ALOT of time with him, because they do whatever he wants to do.

He gets to go to his dads whenever he wants and seems to love his new step mom....even talked about wanting his dad to marry her some day.

He gets to go wherever he wants....everybody always makes time for him and he's usually the only one there....which he seems to prefer.

He does have a half brother....from his dads previous marriage. He used to go to his house all the time. They all try to get along.....his dad....his other ex wife and my sister, for the sake of the 2 boys. I just found out the other day that he doesn't go there anymore because his brother got something he'd been wanting for a really long time and his brothers mother wouldn't buy him one. He doesn't seem to want to spend any time anywhere where he doesn't get his way.

I have tried to be the loving aunt....but it only goes so far with the way he acts towards anyone who tries to discipline him. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt for a while and then it was obvious that discipline was what was needed. If that makes me the bad guy...then so be it. That doesn't bother me in the least.

I truly believe that the only reason he acts the way he acts is because he's been allowed to act that way.

He doesn't want to be at my house because he isn't allowed to act that way.

Here is an example.....I've seen and heard this with my own eyes.

He will be sitting in front of the tv at home and he will want something but doesn't want to get up and get it. He will yell through the house to his mom and tell her what he wants and even though she may be busy and he could very well get it himself.....she will stop whatever she is doing and get it so he doesn't have to miss what he's watching.

Another ecample I've seen with my own eyes.
He has a Playstation.
My sister got it out for him...while he watched. She put the game in for him....and handed him the controller. The cord wasn't reaching him the way he liked so he yanked on the cord instead of getting up and adding the extended cord. The system was sitting on a table about 2 feet off the floor and it fell off from him yanking on it. When my sister got done setting everything back where it went and adding the extended cord for him the system wouldn't work. The next day...he had a new system.

Now....in the first place....my kids know how to set up their system (he does too) so they can do it themselves if they want to play. Second...if they were to do something like that....they wouldn't have a replacement...until they saved up their own money to buy a new one.