A copy of the thread she started on "JUST FOUND OUT"

newhopes

posted July 01, 2004 03:02 Well, I found out my H is having an affair with old high school classmate. He says he has always been in love with her. She is married and I dont think her H knows. I just wonder if she is just using my H right now since shes not telling her H. My H feels really bad about it and keeps telling me hes sorry. He says he just isnt in love with me, but he cares about me a lot and wants me to be happy. I think that right now he is in a "fog" thinking something will come out go this affair. She lives 600 miles away and is still married and he is still living with me and has not yet asked for a divorce (might be because neither one of us could afford one right now.) I really do love him so much and want him to find out this is not really what he wants so that that question will not always be in the back of his mind. In the meantime, where does that leave me and how do I handle this??


believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted July 01, 2004 04:48 PM Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Also it is necessary to let the OW's husband know what is going on. Sometimes when light is shed on the affair, it ends it. And yes, your husband will be angry.

--------------------
Married 8 years
Best friends 17 years
S22,S19,SD28,SD26,SD23,SS21,SSD17,SSD16

Plan A link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
"Sometimes He quiets the storm, and sometimes He quiets His child."


shattered dreams
Member
Member # 32034

posted July 01, 2004 04:50 PM Sorry you found yourself here, but there is no better place to be, to learn how to save your marriage after an affair has been discovered.

Visit the home page of this site, and read all about the Marriage Builders philosophy, especially the parts about Plan A, and the part about exposure.

Plan A will be a roadmap on how to begin reconnecting with your wayward spouse, and exposure, coupled with Plan A will help to bring an end to the affair.

There are many kind, knowledgeable people here on these forums. They speak to you with compassion, having lived through the same things you will be dealing with. Your marriage can be saved. It will not be easy. But this site is critical in achieving that goal.

Purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read it BEFORE you do anything else. There are ways TO DO this right, and many mistakes you can avoid, by reading the book, and asking people here.

Best wishes

SD


newhopes
Junior Member
Member # 36001

posted July 07, 2004 09:40 AM Geez, my password wasnt working and it was pi**ing me off. I couldnt post.

Well, my H went to Vegas to see OW this weekend. I wonder how he felt about her going home to her H everynight and during the day.
When he got home I asked him if she was going to tell her H about them. He said, no because he will not be nice about it. Duh, ya think?? My taking is that she isnt really in this affair like my H thinks he is. I think she is just playing with my H. Honestly, if she was serious about this, I would think she would tell her H regardless of what he does. Is she no longer cares for him, then so what. So, I am going to just let this stupid affair run its course and watch it die out....I love my H so much and feel that this IS something he needs to discover, that she is cheating *****, and then he can get this fanatasy "im love her" out of his head.

But I am wondering, should I somehow let her H know about this?? Or would that make me the bad person. I just feel in time, he will find out. I would also like to write a letter to this OW asking her what her true intentions are and if she realizes just what she is doing and how many people she will end up hurting...especially my H. Who knows, maybe shock the *****!! But with my H approval of course. I want to be the calm, loving, respecting wife...the one he will eventually want to come home to because I stood by him through this whole thing...


shattered dreams
Member
Member # 32034

posted July 07, 2004 09:52 AM newhopes

Please re-read Believer's post, and mine. It is not fair to you to just "sit back" and wait this out.

Get the book and read it for your own good. When you read about Plan A, it will cover the exposure side of what you need to do.

Yes, it IS necessary for you to expose the affair to the OW's husband. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When they are exposed to the "light of day", they typically cannot stand up under the pressure.

The exposure should come from you as an "act of love" for your husband, and the strongest tool you have right now play a part in ending the affair.

Best wishes

SD


newhopes
Junior Member
Member # 36001

posted July 08, 2004 07:57 PM Today I told my H that I think the OW H needs to know. I said she should tell him or I will. He said its complicated and I asked why. He said he will not be nice about it and he will take everything from her. Well, I guess this is the choice she made, right? Anyways, I said I just felt it wasnt fair that I was the only one who knew and had to deal with it. It is making things way too easy on them. So, I am trying to find out a way to let her H know without them knowing it was me. A friend said she could email him and say she saw them together, or I was thinking of signing her up for a personal ad and then use his email so that it comes back to him and then he can start questioning her about it and maybe it will come out. I really dont want to have to tell him...I want my husband to respect me, as I am really being too nice about this....but hopefully someday he will see that as a wonderful thing.
I also asked him if he loved me..I said I knew he wasnt "in love" with me, but did he love me. He said it depends on what love means....(what the hell!!)..and said he does love me as a friend and cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy. I said if he cares so much and thinks I am a wonderful person, then why didnt he want to be with me. He said it wasn't me, it was him and his feelings about OW. This is so hard....
I asked him to have supper with me tonight and he did, but as soon as he was done, he went to his bedroom to watch tv....I felt so sad....
I am trying so hard to plan a....just sometimes I lose the patience.. any advice?? Posts:


shattered dreams
Member
Member # 32034

posted July 08, 2004 11:35 PM First of all, it should come from YOU to the OW's husband that your WH is seeing his wife. You have the facts, and he deserves to know. Not only that, it will empower you immensely. It is your most very powerful weapon to begin the end of the affair.

I have not seen that you have purchased or read Surviving an Affair. It is really critical that you do so. Plan A is really, really hard to do. But it works when it's done properly.

Read ark^^ recent post about Plan A here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805

When in Plan A you simply cannot participate in Lovebusters. It will drive him away from you each and every time. Simply stop.

Best wishes

SD


johnh39
Member
Member # 20044

posted July 09, 2004 12:17 AM There are three links about Plan A in my signature line link that you should read. Note that they suggest you tell the OW's husband. This is the most important thing you can do to end this affair, because affairs die when exposed.

--------------------
Me: BS-45, FWW-43
D16, S14, S9, D born 10/8/03
A 10/98-10/01, DDay 10/03/01
In Recovery
"Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Romans 12:2
The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines


johnh39
Member
Member # 20044

posted July 09, 2004 12:22 AM - and yes, by saying nothing, you are enabling the affair.

--------------------
Me: BS-45, FWW-43
D16, S14, S9, D born 10/8/03
A 10/98-10/01, DDay 10/03/01
In Recovery
"Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Romans 12:2
The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines


newhopes
Junior Member
Member # 36001

posted July 09, 2004 08:39 AM I have ready Surviving an Affair and Love Must Be Tough. I have also decided to tell the OW husband. I know that she is visiting family for the next 10 days, so perfect opportunity to call her H and tell him. But I hope he will not tell her where he found out. I might ask him to do that. Maybe I wont exactly tell him, just let him find out on his own. Just give him some hints and tell him to check her cell phone bill and her email!!! But its something Ineed to do!!


lovemyhubby
Member
Member # 32615

posted July 09, 2004 08:46 AM newhopes,

Good for you for finding the courage to tell the husband. I have to agree this is the best way for you to shed light on their affair and could immediately result in the end of the affair.. Dont let your husband off the hook though even after you contact the OWs husband. He still needs to send her a NC letter, letting her know this is over, that he loves you and will never see her or talk to or communicate with her in any way. That is the respectful way to deal with the aftermath of something so painful as an affair.

Please take care of yourself and know you have so many of us from this forum backing you. Keep posting and reading.

Peace,
Lmh


newhopes
Junior Member
Member # 36001

posted July 09, 2004 11:05 AM I am not so sure this affair will end right away. I think it may linger...they both seem to really want it right now. But then again, she might think this is not what she wants, especially when her H decides to take everything away from her. It is really scary doing this, but I am tired of being the only other person besides them to have to deal with this. Hopefully from this, it will all come out and I think will start to break down some walls my H thinks might never come down.


shattered dreams
Member
Member # 32034

posted July 09, 2004 01:56 PM Now you're talkin'! Do not be afraid. He is, after all, your husband. You have the right to inform the OW's husband, and he deserves to know. In most cases, they knew something was hinky anyway. He deserves to know, so he can make decisions about his own life, based on facts, just like you do.

You didn't ask for this situation, but, unfortunately, if you want the situation to change, and hopefully to improve, informing him will put a great deal more scrutiny, and Pressure on the A.

You will be amazed at how empowering this will be for you. It gives you more control of a situation just a while back you knew nothing of.

Although your WH will probably be pissed at first, this is not a death blow to your chances at recovery. In some instances the WS is relieved that the secrecy and hiding and deceit is over.

Just do the exposure in a loving manner. You present the facts, and simply state you love your H and want to do what you can to end the A, and begin repairing your marriage. Most people appreciate the information.

Be strong and do this. You will get tons of support here. If H comes to you angry, remember, at all costs, turn lemons into lemonade. An equally important part of Plan A is NO lovebusters. If he gets in your face, stay calm and just tell him you acted out of love for him. If it get heated, tell him you won't be a part of any anger and excuse yourself, saying you'll be happy to discuss it later, when emotions are in check.

You may want to consider seeing a Pro marriage counselor right away, or contacting the Harley's, to help you through this.

Be strong, you CAN do this!


newhopes
Junior Member
Member # 36001

posted July 10, 2004 04:44 PM Ok, I go back and forth about telling OW husband. It just really scares me. I am so unsure about things. I found some more text messages from OW to my H about how she is so scared and jsut doesnt know what to do and with the feeling for her H, but that behind all of that she loves my H and is so scared. He says he loves her too and will wait as long as it takes so that they can be together....how dumb is he? Cant he see she is just playing him? Its so frustrating to hear him be so gullible...he is so not the person I married. I dont know who he is when he talks like that. Is he going to wait forever for her? Anyways, like I said I am still up in the air about this. What if I tell her H and he kicks her out and then my H goes and resuces her? But if she doesnt tell him and keeps playing my H and he eventually realizes what she is doing? There are so many ways this can play out. Maybe I will just keep snooping and see where things go for a while. I am just not sure...The only thing I AM SURE of is that I love my H and really want our marriage to work....please help me!


shattered dreams
Member
Member # 32034

posted July 10, 2004 04:52 PM The only thing I AM SURE of is that I love my H and really want our marriage to work....please help me!

The help you have been asking for is in the previous responses to you. At some point you have to "buy" into some form of action.

Surviving an Affair is a book, coupled with this MarriageBuilders program, that has saved a lot of marriages. It's a twenty dollar investment in the rest of your life.

By standing by, and wondering what's going to happen next, and doing nothing, you are enabling the affair. By knowing and doing nothing, you are 'condoning' the affair. Sitting on your hands and doing nothing is getting you nowhere.

Read, read, read, learn, learn, learn, buy the book, and for God's sake, and for the sake of you and the marriage you'd like to save, TAKE ACTION!

Please understand this information is right out of the book, and it will help you.

I'm going to post this thread over in General Questions II, so you may get some other opinions.

I wish you well

SD


A copy of the thread she started on "JUST FOUND OUT"

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

newhopes, just as SD told you, it is real important that you tell the OWH NOW before it is too late. You should be doing everything in your power to end this affair, and that is the MOST CRITICAL step.

You have already put it off too long and the longer you put it off, the closer they get because you are HELPING THEM keep their fantasy intact. The affair cannot survive the light of day and that is why you must expose it. You are helping them hide it at your OWN EXPENSE.

Another reason to tell the OWH is just out of simple human kindness and decency. If you know someone is being destroyed behind their back, you must warn them so they can protect themselves.

My biggest concern here is that you have told your H that you may tell the OWH. That is very dangerous because it almost ensures that the OWH will NEVER get the true story. If the OP is forewarned, all she has to do is go to her H and tell him that the wife of one her internet friends is an insanely jealous nut who thinks they are having an affair. Then the OWH will completely dismiss you when you call.

See, the WS and the OP are not going to help you bust themselves, they are going to work against you so you look like the nut. This is why it is always a good idea to never warn the WS about this, just DO IT.

Please call him today and just be done with it. Expose, expose, expose.

^^bump^^

I am too scared...what i did was though emailed a anonymous email that said in the subject line, "does your wife love you?" and just left it at that....I am just not sure it would be a good thing if I told him. I am sorry, but for me, it just isnt right. By the way it sounds, the OW just might be having second thougths and I think my H will soon discover how he is being used...until that time, I want to become his friend, not his enemy. Please all respect that, I have had lots of sleepless night over telling OW H, but right now my decision is to wait. Maybe if I get some more from the text messages or emails and find that its getting to be too much I will rethink my decision, but right now, I just cant. But I still need help dealing with this and need some support. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

newhopes, tell tell tell tell tell tell tell.

That email will look like spam, for heaven's sake. TELL HIM. You have to. You have a moral obligation. You are enabling the A if you don't tell. The consequences of not telling are worse.

Just one man's opinion, but the right one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

gc

newhope, aren't you more scared to lose your marriage to an affair? Because that is more likely to happen if you help your H and his girlfriend keep their secret. You are helping them continue their affair, AGAINST YOUR BEST INTEREST, do you understand that?

We know that it is hard to expose the affair, but we also know, through experience, that exposure is often the single MOST EFFECTIVE means of ending an affair. The affair survives in a fantasy world and it can't survive if it is exposed.

Now, we are here for your support. But we are here to help you END THE AFFAIR, not to help it survive. We won't support you in bad decisions, and hiding this affair for your H and his girlfriend is a BAD, self defeating decision.

What are you afraid of, newhope?

New Hope...have you sat down and written out a list of possible pro's and con's of telling OW's H?

Every book I read on infidelity said that exposure of the A is key to a recovery.

I told OW's H right away within minutes of finding out. I was freaked out...needed help...instinctively knew even before finding MB and exposure and NC were critical.

OW's H and I blew the A out of the dark fantasy land and into the light of day and A ended within days!

We told our parents, their parents and sanitized version to our children. This pushed the A out into the real world and they couldn't hind behind all the "justifications" they gave to each other while in the A.

They both also realized that this was serious business and they could lose their families and they realized right away that they didn't want to lose their families...all of a sudden their "love" wasn't nearly as strong as they thought it was.

Again what could the downsides of telling be??? In my mind not many real ones...just things OW and your H are telling you...they would tell you anything to get you not to tell...so why would you believe or help them???

Right now you are enabling them..making it easy for them...WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS??

One last question...do you and your H have children..do OW and her H?