Okay I properly exposed the A and the OM broke it off, but I need my WW to write the No Contact Letter. If someone is still in the fog how can you get them to write the letter?

I need this letter and her cellphone or I'm gonna go crazy with suspicion. Please help with any suggestions on how to handle this.

Thanks

Folks I really need your help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bump

The only thing that I can think of is to let her know how important it is to you for her to send a NC letter to the OM. His true colors should be pretty clear to her since he broke off the affair after it was exposed. You can't really force her to write a letter or give you access to her cell phone records, but you can stress to her how important it is to you for there to be an honest attempt at rebuilding the marriage. You may get answers like "you should trust me" or "why should I do this now, I have no plans to talk with OM again." These are some of the typical responses that I have read from others on this board.

Right I cannot force her to write a No Contact letter or give me the cellphone, but I cannot be a doormat nor be an idiot either.

Refusal to write No Contact Letter =
Refusal to let go of OM
Refusal to let fo of OM =
Time for Plan B..

any suggestions?

Well the board has been pretty slow today...but I've decided I must take action.

It will not be emotional it will be rational.

I'm asking her to leave tomorrow.

Please comment if you have suggestions, but without a No Contact Letter I feel like I'm condoning her EA. This is unacceptable and I can't allow her to think my request was something to toy with.

Thanks

I may not be the best person to respond, as I have just discovered renewed contact since NC letter 2 months ago. However things are pretty quiet for you, so I’ll give it a go.

The NC letter really is absolutely essential. My H’s initial refusal to send one was the clearest indication I could’ve got about where his mind was truly at and I know I could not have moved forward without it. I started a thread asking if the letter was necessary and H read all the replies and finally agreed.

It killed him to write it. He made me tell him what to say and was terrified of repercussions. It apparently wasn’t long before she found out the words didn’t come from him, so I would advise you to make sure your wife writes it and you approve it.

You sound like you know what you’re doing and IMO your plan is spot on. You know in you heart that this is what you need and she needs to understand this too.

If you do get your wish, please remain vigilant as to your wife’s ensuing behaviour. I mistook my H’s apathy towards rebuilding our marriage, for withdrawal from OW. I carried on the fight, but remained patient for him to join me. I now understand his reluctance, as he was still in contact the whole time.

OW broke NC within 2 weeks, by telling my H that I had been making hang up calls to her home. It was complete bull, but that’s all it took for the whole thing to start up again. He decided not to tell me and one secret led to a million more.

I really hope you can make her understand. I’ve been where you are now (I’m back there again) and I know exactly what you’re going through. Best of luck.

Familymatters - You have been doing so well. What is the big hurry? You are not thinking of jumping ship to your friend are you?

You started out so strong, and now seem to be falling a little. Please hang in there for more responses.

No I'm not thinking about jumping ship to my friend, it's just we've been reconciling for quite sometime and I felt that No Contact letter would be a statement, i needed some indication that she at least wanted to move away from OM, instead all I recv'd was excuses. We actually had a good day today, very good day, but that doesn't discount the fact that she has not went on record and said on paper,"My husband, family are my priority. Please do not contact me for any reason.."

That statement is the real boost I need, not just a nice day. I'm hanging in there, but I will not get my hopes up knowing she's straddling the fence, and to me that's exactly what it is.
She says she's embarrassed. She's embarrassed?
More self-centered WS dribble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

bump

We talked about the No Contact Letter again on Saturday. She pretended to write the letter but gave it a bogus address. I knew it was bogus because I remembered the area code of his phone number and I know the area somewhat.

My WW then proceeded to tell me how it felt like I was trying to control her and how embarrassed she would feel to write it after they have already broke up. I responded with all of the typical MB BS responses:

1. I need this from you to make me feel safe with you.
2. This is an important element in reclaiming our relationship and stating that you are recommitting yourself to our future.

She didn't budge.

Sunday was pretty good actually and I didn't talk of the the No Contact letter. I didn't get many responses here, so I went on auto pilot and felt it was best to Plan A and be thoughtful, caring and warm. The day went well and we talked as friends for a few hours, even planned some IC and so forth, but no letter no commitment to end her friendship with her exboyfriend.

Monday, She calls to tell me she's late. WW goes a step farther and breaks the line to tell me she's still at work it was about 9:00pm. I told her I appreciated the considerating, but until she takes the step of writing the letter and recommiting wholeheartedly to our recovery all the phone calls won't repair our trust. The No Contact letter is the first step we need for our marriage.

I was sleep when she came in;
it's 3:00 am and now I can't sleep.

How'd I do?
Any suggestions?
Please help if you can.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Come on friends, don't you reject me too...

I need help... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Family Matters,

I hope this technique might help. I expressed the importance of the letter and then read the example to WH from SAA. He listened and copied it and added a few lines. This was the easiest way since he is not a writer--the actual NC was the hard part and has not been accomplished.

As far as changing the cell number...I have not been successful there which is in part why contact continues. Good emphasis with the "safe" statement. One suggestion was to offer to get WS latest new phone and change number at the same time. I also called cell company and ours could change it instanteous without having to take it in so it is not a difficult process.

Hang in there. If the winds do not blow favorably, maybe drop it for a short while and then bring it up again as a respectful request. Good luck on both items. Patience is the key.

familymatters -

The NC letter is essential. My WH tried to move back in with me, but refused to write an NC letter. His excuse was that is was "pointess". Yes it was, as he was still in contact with OW. This has been going on for 16 months now.

So I would set a date in my head if I were you. Plan A until then, and if she still will not reassure you by writing the letter, then you will know where you stand.

Sure:
Thanks for responding, but patience is what I dont have. We were separated for almost 2 years and part of our agreement to reconcile was her commitment and mine to end contact with anyone we saw during our separation. Unbeknownst to me she kept her relatinship going with her ex during our reconcilation. A YEAR AND A HALF, and she didn't admit it to me I had to research and contact the OM to get the truth. No wonder why things have been so hard during our reconciliation. I did so many things to meet her EN's and she on the other hand was detached and undercover. She concocted a double life and neglected not only me but our children as well. No more gas in the tank on the whole be patient and sweet bit lol. Your situation is different than mine and I do believe patience is important, but sometimes so is action.

Believer:

Thanks for posting. I feel the No Contact letter to be a deal breaker. I'm not buying her cowdunged-excuses for not writing this letter. I don't want you to think I'm a jerk, because I'm not. I left my job 6 months ago to pursue my own business. I would have never done that if I knew she was "never really on board with the marriage".
If I had known she was still seeing her ex I would have NEVER reconciled or left my job of 5 years to pursue a risky start-up. I'm under tremendous stress!! I also wouldn't be taking this garbage from her if I were still employed. My W would have left on D-Day but is only staying because she is leaving the children with me and I need time to secure full-time employment.

This is a bad situation. All of this could have been avoided with a little honesty on her part. I'm upset so I'm rambling, but I'm mostly mad at myself for trusting her to commit to this reconciliation. I jumped into our reconciliation feet first, meanwhile she had one foot in her old relationship and the other in our M.

Plan B is the only route I have left if she doesn't write the no contact letter. I've set the due date for August 13, which is my birthday.
I will be 35. We have been in each others life for 19 years minus the 2 year separation. I want my best friend back but not at the expense of my dignity or my future happiness. GRRRRRRRRRRR!
Anyway to anyone who's read this far, and you're going thru alot of pain, anger, frustration and confusion please know you are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />