okay, i got a question about plan a.i'm supposed to let my wh do whatever he wants, not say anything ,show him the best me i can be, but what do i do if he doesnt want to let me go out with my friends? he's out all the time, i'm tired of staying home crying over him. if i say i'm going somewherefirst thing he says is take our daughter 12 with you. if i say i just want to go see my friends, he first says no, then that all my friends are whores (they are not btw) then says fine i dont give a bleep what you do, but then will not speak to me. so, like i asked if i'm supposed to be all loving, do i stay in like he wants or can't i have a life outside the house because even though he will not admit it, it really angers him when i go out. and no, he doesn't want to go out with me.

Shelly,

Welcome to MB. First of all you need to get acquainted with MB info before you implement any plans. Please read the concept section above and then I recommend you read the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W. Harley. Also the book Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson w/b good.

Your H is being disrespectful. Why are there 2 different standards of living in your family? Is there an A going on as well as disrespectful actions?

L.

he had confessed to me that he let another woman perform a sexual act on him. we were going to separate after that, but we love each other too much to just throw in the towel. as far as i know of, there is no affair, but i dont trust him anymore. he doesnt want to talk about anything, he says to quit smothering him and just leave him alone. but how much of this can a person take? i'm very emotional, and its killing me to let go.i don't know what his problem is since he wont tell me. one time i asked him if he was embarrassed of me since he doesnt want to do things with me. he said "how could i be that? your beautiful" i said i just want you to be proud of me, and he told me "i'm proud to have you at home".any thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> shelly_3: he had confessed to me that he let another woman perform a sexual act on him. we were going to separate after that, but we love each other too much to just throw in the towel. as far as i know of, there is no affair, but i dont trust him anymore.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: He had or is having an affair. The red flags are up there with the disrespectful treatment. Ask him if he would like you to treat him like he is treating you. He maybe dumb enough to say yes. If so, then you may want to figure out how to do so.

You say you love each other too much to throw in the towel. How is he showing you that love?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> shelly_3: he told me "i'm proud to have you at home".any thoughts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: I asked my H (xws) to read both your posts. His take (similar to mine) is that your H wants to control you and with that statement wants you home so he can go out and do his own thing. How loving is that?

I suggest you read the info here carefully. There maybe more surprises about your H you may learn.

In addition to being a jerk, sounds like he is having an A. Who else knows how he is acting? How is he treating your chlidren and his parents?

L.

he tries to be the disaplinarian with our daughter. his drill seargent technique was having the opposite effect, so i told him he was a pisspoor father and h, and to back off and let me handle it. yes, i know a real lb right? i realize he is probably having an affair i've been lurking on this website a long time. he wasn't this way before. he used to be kind and loving.( but always controlling) thats why i'm trying plan a. i used to let him control me, but since he confessed his indescretion, i have been taking little steps to find some independence from him. thank you orchid.

It is critical to not allow control to turn to abuse. Safety (physically and emotionally) for you and your daughter are critical.

A way I would try is to throw back his actions to him. Put him in your shoes. When he starts acting like a drill sargent show him that is not acceptable behavior. Your home is NOT the army. It is a family and it works on love not barking orders.

Don't tell him (since he doesn't sound like he is listening anyways). Give it back to him in the form of a question.

When he yells at you, ask him if he needs a hearing aid or does he realize he is yelling?

He needs to realize his actions are not acceptable to you or anyone else.

JMHO,
L.

yep. but if i have realized anything from this site he has to figure it out for himself, your right he wont listen to me anymore. if i tell him his actions are not acceptable,( and boy have i) he will just say oh well. his mother and him are not that close because of a little problem with money( she borrowed 9 grand that she never paid back) and she hates me. he's mad at her about the money thing but she believes i turned him against his family. forgot to mention that when you asked. so back to my previous question, how do i go on with my life ( and i do want to) while being in plan a because i believe its a lovebuster with him? if i tell him i'm going clubbing he'll tell me don't go we'll go tomorrow and then he says he's busy with work?

bump

Hi Shelly,

Your H needs some help although he doesn't currently realize it.

Why is he controlling? Most controlling people are that way because something in their past made them feel as though they had no control over their lives: a parent, an occupation (military especially IMHO) a death in the family, a relationship that went bad (got dumped) or a combination of these factors.

Until he thinks about this and comes to terms with the reason(s) he'll always be controlling. Won't be able to stop himself bc he hasn't though it through.

As to the affair, I haven't read all your posts to see the signs. I will and get back to you later.

BTW, his change in current behavior from nice to mean could be that for some reason the resentment towards his current situation has been increased. Midlife crises can do that w/out an affair. Although MLC can also be the catalyst behind affairs.

Has any of his situation changed recently ie job, relatives, financial outlook? IMHO even a teenager acting out can increase the resentment level. He may internally be saying," See the way this kid acts. I told my W I never wanted kids and look what I get."

Obviously need more info on your sitch.

cwmac

I looked for your story and didn't see anything can you give some background?

cwmac

okay, here goes we have a12 year old D but we have been 2 gether for 7 years.during that time before we got together, he was living the single life, and because he was, so was i.we got married 4 years ago. you hit on some really interesting points to me. my h runs a very successful small business and is always busy. he put himself into a financial hole recently because he has a need to"outdo" his friends.he has to have the best car,(truck) the best clothes, the best wife. he's taken on too much responsibility and i havent been what i would call understanding. screaming shrew is how i will describe myself.our D is a HUGE strain on our relationship, because as orchid pointed out this isnt the army, and she's going thru the same growing pains i did at her age. i want to put our D in counselling, but he said thats a copout, whatever thats supposed to mean. i'm doing it anyway monday morning because i can't help her, even though i try. lets see, i hope he's not having a midlife crises because i'm 29 and he's 33. okay, controlling nature. i think he's like that because every girl he's gotten seriously involved with has cheated on him. (even though he was also cheating on them in his wilder days). plus back when i was a little younger (and stupider) i told him if he ever cheated on me i would cheat on him right back. i have taken steps to correct this stupid statement lately. i told him i loved him, i wouldn't have married him if i didn't and that i took my vows VERY seriously. if i wanted someone enough i would divorce him, not cheat behind HIS back. i also said "if you don't want to go out with me, then you need to realize that i would never do anything to hurt you and you need to trust me".he didnt say anything. this morning i said i was going clubbing with my friend and i didnt want to hear any of his B>S> he said i just don't like her. i told him it didn't matter WHO i wanted to go with he wouldn't like them, and he said and i quote"well, thats the way it should be".so i just shutup for then. whew! too much typing!! sorry so long!

bump

Shelly,

The way you describe your husband he sounds like a Type A personality. Agressive, successful, self-made etc I believ Type As are created not born. Type As despite their outward appearance of success and self-confidence are usually the opposite. They push for success to hide their self-esteem issues.

In my case I had a childhood that was full of alcoholism, abandonment, strong mother etc. For alot of years ignored it all as I worked on HS, college then career. W's affair brought all the dirty unclean laundry back to the forfront.

Same may be happening in your H's case. Most marriages involve both spouses having their fair share of resentments that cause either passive or aggressive anger.

Most H's resent that amount of time that their wives devote to the children. Mothers tend to pour themselves into the children. Men wonder to themselves, "wasn't I here first."

Sex can also be a big area of resentment but we'll leave that for later.

Why are you a screaming shrew? Important question give some thought to it.

Why do you think your daughter needs counseling? Special issues or the normal teenage rebellion stuff?

I was always the disaplinarian also. Of cours my wife was the opposite which was horrible for the kids. Sent two completely divergent messages. I was "mean" and mom was "nice." The reality was mom's anyhting goes was almost as harmful as my perfectionism.

Kids need boundaries but they also need some freedom to see if they have the skills.

Your H said counselling is a copout? Why does he think that? Does he believe counselling is a sign of weakness ie imperfection?

I personally believe that going clubbing with friends may not send your H the right message. If I were in his shoes it would tell me that you do in fact want to have a revenge affair.

Your words are saying one thing but the actions are saying another.

I'm not saying to be a doormat but I think you should stick to behavior that can't be construed as "getting on with your life." I'm not saying to stay home and pine for your H but I think you can find fun things to do without clubbing. Clubbing to me means the opposite sex, drinking, dancing and whatever else may come from it.

Any of this make any sense?

BTW, try to break your posts into smaller sections. Easier to follow that way.

cwmac

okay. lets see daughter is 12 but tries to act 20. she sneaks out of the house has run away once,steals my clothes, my jewelry. i have caught her hanging out with older boys. ( who almost got their butts kicked for being out with my 12 year old, they had to be at least 16) and h's way of dealing with her is to scream and yell at her, threaten to send her away to boarding school. and for sneaking out he tried to ground her for the summer. she carved the words "i hate this" into her legs and arms. thats why i want to put her in counselling. that really scared me and thats why i told him to leave it to me.i had turned into a shrew because i wanted him here with us, and i went about it the wrong way.(as i have been learning.)

bump

I asked the questions to help. Not trying to embarrass.

I think your daughter does need to talk to someone. Most teenagers won't open up to an adult, but you need to try.

Is it your H that thinks counseling is a cop out? Why does he think that?

How long has daughter been acting this way? How long has H been involved in affair? Is there a corelation.

My oldest daughter started acting out about six months after DDay1. Something in our case must have slipped out. My W was distant with kids during the affair. You know very selfish. Resentful of the duties of a SAHM.

Is your D aware of the affair? Has either parent tried to use her as a pawn?

Earlier you posted...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...if i say i'm going somewherefirst thing he says is take our daughter 12 with you. if i say i just want to go see my friends, he first says no, then that all my friends are whores (they are not btw) then says fine i dont give a bleep what you do, but then will not speak to me.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Children, especially teenagers are very perceptive. Your daughter has two issues. The first is the affair. Affairs are strange, confusing, embarrassing events to teenagers. Now add the fact that based upon the above post your daughter may feel like a burden to two warring parents. Your H's attitude is obvious but it also sounds as though you're resentful of staying with your D.

You need to take your D out of the middle of this.

Tell me what she knows and I may have more opinion to share.

Are you &/or H in counselling yourselves?

Sounds like you may want to try family counseling vs individual counseling

Mac

he will never in a million years agree to counselling, he doesnt even want to let me put our d into it. yes, i guess i do resent our d's behavior, i feel between the 2 of them, they are in a contest to see who can drive me crazy. i believe our daughter is aware of his indiscretion, she has the habit of sitting in corners and listening to other peoples conversations. i guess its like a vicious cycle. D acts out, he yells and screams, i get p"d off and tell him he's a lousy father, we start fighting, D acts worse. i don't know if he's having an affair. i've snooped and found nothing. but i just don't know how to deal with d's behavior and my h's behavior also.after she carved into her skin i told him a bunch of horrible things and threw him out. so he didnt come home the other day. D ran off and i had to go looking for her at 10:00 pm and found her with those old boys. i didn't call h. he called at 1 pm the next day to say he was on his way to shower and change clothes. we talked for a little bit, and he said he's tired of me accusing him all the time of cheating, that he's just trying to make life better for us, that he can't be spending a lot of time with us right now. he then went and bought all kinds of B.B.Q stuff and we had a cookout, he stayed for 5 hours and then left. more business problems. we never said if he was gonna come back that night and it was 5 a.m and he still wasn't home. so i got up, got in my car, drove 45 minutes to go look by this guys house who has a sister that i thought maybe he was having an a with. he wasn't there. so i got back here at 7:00 a.m and blocked caller I.D and called him. he didn't answer' so i tried to listen to his voicemail and he changed his access code so i couldn't listen. i hung up and he called me immediately to ask did i just call him. i lied and said no. he said no one calls me this early and blocks it but you. i said maybe its one of your ho's. he said i don't know why you always think that' you know all i like to do is make money.so i asked him what was he gonna do? he said he was coming home. he got here and immediately we went to sleep in each others arms, and he said "now everythings right in the world".then he got up at 12:00 p.m and left for the day. money, money, money! i don't know how to undo the damage i have personally done. help!

bump

Ask your H if $$ is worth losing your M? Get help for your daughter. Lordslady is another mother and BS who is dealing with a WS husband and an out of control daughter. You may want to check out her thread. She is already working on getting help with her daughter so experience may give you some insight.

I find it strange that he has to be out all hours of the night for business. My H is a courier and even though sometimes he is out at night, I have the faxes for his jobs and know where he is at.

Let your H know that his 'business' makes you nervous. Let him figure out how he can provide you with the security you need. Putting one's life at risk (his own or yours) should not be acceptable.

Also, the fact that your daugther is acting out, your H needs to be involved. Let him know you need his input.

JMHO,
L.

i tried to tell him i needed his help with D. i already have told you his way of dealing with her, so after i told him to back off, he said fine then it was my problem to deal with. he usually doesn't come home that late it was that he didn't know if i wanted him to come home at all. i'm trying to back off of him and let him work on whatevers eating at him and trying to get my kid some help. i'm gonna check out that thread you recommended now. thanks!