Dear both of you,

How are you doing? Are you still around?

How are thing going in your recovery?

Take care,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BV,

Thanks for asking! We are doing ok...Recovering H went back to work this past week after being off almost three weeks after knee surgery, so he's been trying to get back into the swing of things! It's amazing how quickly you can become used to NOT working! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I'm doing ok, too. Was a little worried that my "withdrawal" feelings would come back....they started to subside most about the time he had the surgery....so wondered if it was just because I was distracted for a while. But this week wasn't bad at all. Yes, feelings crop up from time to time, but when they do, I just let them be and don't beat myself up over them.
I've been checking in here from time to time, and saw that you got quite the hammering...I'm sorry. All that seems to do is put people on the defensive. I know that you feel bad for still having those feelings. I know that you want them to go away. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you that you still have feelings about OM. That's just the way it is! I guess from where we sit, it just appears that you are obsessing about that....but I also know there's more to BV than we see here, and I mean GOOD things. It's so easy to assume things, and I've tried to stay out of it because I don't know everything!
I was wondering, though, if you have any hobbies or anything....I have found that it helps me to keep myself busy. I love basket-weaving, and though I still may be THINKING while I'm doing that, it isn't as intense as it is when I'm just sittin around. Yesterday I was sick...stomach cramps, fever, body aches. The rest of my family went to a wedding, so I was home alone. All I had the energy to do was lay around and mope (that is when I wasn't sleeping!) . Those are the times when I feel the most depressed about what happened. I do have to literally FORCE myself to get busy sometimes...honestly, I just don't WANT to....seems I actually WANT to be thinking about OM....but I won't let myself. It's just torturing myself when I do.
I also know it's easy to give advice...quite another to put that into action. Each day you maintain NC is a victory, whether it feels that way to you or not. No, it's not going to FEEL good....it doesn't have to! Remember after you had children? Some of the pain of childbirth lingered for a while. That didn't mean you weren't healing, right?
Please hang in there....I know what you're going through and it isn't easy....but I believe in you that you will be ok, that you can make it. Just accept that you'll have those feelings and do your best to live each day IN THE MOMENT.
Thanks again for checking up on us....you're sweet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Julie

Dear Onlywords & RH

Have just got back from church and logged on quick before I went to MIL’s for lunch and saw your post.

Thanks for your reply. I was glad to hear from you.

I do hope RH will soon get his strength back after his knee op. I guess it must be hard getting back into work after that time. You are doing really great in how you are coping with withdrawal. You have said a couple of things which I found a help:

Yes, feelings crop up from time to time, but when they do, I just let them be and don't beat myself up over them .

I do have to literally FORCE myself to get busy sometimes...honestly, I just don't WANT to....seems I actually WANT to be thinking about OM....but I won't let myself. It's just torturing myself when I do.

Each day you maintain NC is a victory, whether it feels that way to you or not. No, it's not going to FEEL good....it doesn't have to! Remember after you had children? Some of the pain of childbirth lingered for a while. That didn't mean you weren't healing, right?

3 things I have been reminded of from your post:

1. Don’t keep beating myself up.
2. Force myself to keep busy & distracted from thoughts of OM
3. Each day I maintain NC is a victory

I know JL was telling me that ‘not to expect’ the feelings to go away but learn from it too. The trouble is with me is I want to FORCE all the feelings away before I feel I can move on. Instead I am letting that be a stumbling block to me and it is holding me back.

I realize I have to deal with it in a different way.

Thanks for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am sorry to hear you haven’t been well. That sounded like a bad bug you had.. It was a shame you had to miss the wedding because of it.

I do have some hobbies. I like going to the gym, gardening.

I really am praying about a job though because I feel that would really help me.

Take care both of you, and thanks again for keeping in touch.

Kas

BV,

I'm glad I was of some help...always wish I could take away all the pain, but can't! One thing I've noticed about you (as a silent observer) is that in spite of all you've been through and are still struggling with, you have the time and enough caring to ask about others...I admire that!
Hmmmm....getting a job, yes that would probably help alot! One thing I realized after this affair (and even during it) was that I wasn't taking time to do things for myself. One thing I remember you saying was that you spent most of your married life in kind of a "supporting actress" role. There is great value in that, but there always has to be a balance, and I think you and I probably leaned too far one way. I hope this is making sense. Anyway, after the affair ended, I decided that a part of my healing would come from pursuing interests of my own and not just holding everyone else up. I was always there for RH, helping him in his interests and generally "holding down the fort" so he could go "gung-ho" with whatever he wanted to do. I let him call the shots, and that led to my feeling my life wasn't my own or even "ours" and I resented him for it. I believe that was a mistake, and I believe RH sees that his mistake was "letting" me....That isn't an excuse....just an observation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He has learned to "let up" on his expectations of me in helping him and is encouraging me to go for my own dreams....again, there needs to be balance . I still want to help him but not to the exclusion of what I need and want to do.

I need a sense of control over my life and to feel better about myself so I can be a better wife to RH!

Also, I see a strength in you that you may not see right now....someday you will see it, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep in touch!

Julie

Dear onlywords,

Have just got back from MIL’s and logged on. Thanks for replying back and sharing your experiences too.

It did make sense and I understood what you were saying.

I look at myself now at this point and time in my life and ‘know’ I am at a crossroads..I need to understand and learn from my mistakes and choices and try to know take the right turning.

I have to work on re-focusing my life and channelling it in the right direction again.

I got totally ‘out of control’ with myself over the last 16 months.


You said:
“I need a sense of control over my life and to feel better about myself so I can be a better wife to RH!”

I feel ‘in fear’ of this crossroads. It seems daunting to me. I know I am still in fog as it were, but it is a scary feeling thinking.

Coming on MB’s gives me a hope that I can get through this. I hope so.

Thanks for saying you see a 'strength' in me. I guess I found that encouraging because I don't feel I have much 'quality' at the moment.

Thanks again,

Give my love and best wishes to RH.

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BV: Thanks for the post. The people on this site are amazing (and I consider you one of those people). We learn so much from each other. I think one of the things that I've learned from ow's A, is that it is never too late to stop learning. I knew that before, but had really stagnated personally. And I think one of the things I got early on here was the cool feelings of helping other people when it seemed like we weren't even making any progress.

Looking back now, I can see that at times we had to take one step back to go forward again. While, not always a good feeling (stepping back), it has allowed us to progress in our marriage.

Also, while A's are selfish, I too was very selfish to the point that I was/am a workaholic. I see that now and am trying to be a better husband, father, relative and son. There's always room for improvement.

Juliana started a new business recently, with her basket making. That has been pretty cool. It's good to see her 'other' abilities. She has a lot of talent, but for so many years she has been more of a supportive background player. Now she's stepping forward AND that's cool!

Yes, I went back to work this week. It's been tough. I didn't want to but felt that I would be truly swamped if I didn't. Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Though, a couple of nights I was so tired that I went to bed around 7:15 and 8:00 and slept clear through till 5:30 -5:45am. Because of that, and being busy at work I haven't been here as much. (While I was logged in at work for a time, I didn't really have much time to post.)

But anyway, BrokenVessel, thanks for being here. We appreciate and love you.

take care in christ,
R

Dear RH,

Glad you both are still there. I do hope onlywords does well in her new business. I love different types of baskets. I have them all in my kitchen, some with fruit in and some with plants etc! I love the look of 'natural things' ie wood, wicker, bamboo, stone etc.

Glad you are feeling ok enough to go back to work after your knee op.

I thought I hadn't seen many posts from either of you for a while so just wondered how things were. Glad there was an explanation, ie your knee op and work etc.

It is of much encouragment to read yours and NC's posts on the board.

I do hope things will go well for you both,

Take care,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />