Please help.

It's been three weeks since the second discovery of evidence. This time he admitted his "emotional" affair, and I have learned that she called it off last December (which would explain his depression that I helped him through.) They were still emailing as "friends" and he forgot to clear the clipboard when he cut and pasted an email to her. For three years he had been telling me that I was "innately suspicious" and had a great imagination.

Cutting to the chase, she is part of a circle of friends that we are very close to. The recommendation is that they NEVER see each other again. How do we lose her without losing the circle of friends?

Annie

Welcome Annie.

Please provide some more information about yourselves - ages, time together, children, marital history, etc.

Also, please read and absorb everything on this site regarding infidelity and the love bank. Purchase the books, Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Harley, available from the bookstore on this site or just about any on-line bookseller.

You should assume this is an on-going affair and it is likely more than "emotional." Even if it's only emotional, the actions necessary to deal with it are the same.

The best advice going is to permanently get rid of the OW. Your H has to choose to end contact with her for ever and tell her this via a no contact letter. He may not be ready to do this.

As far as the remainder of the circle, if she maintains continuing friendships with the others, when no contact begins, you'll just have to manage your interactions. When planning social activities, you'll have to avoid her, making sacrifices in the process.

Assuming your H can pull his head out of his butt and re-commit to your marriage, he will recognize the necessity to end all contact with OW.

But maintaining your friendships should be the least of your worries at this time - you first need to deal with your marriage.

So for now, you need to concentrate on identifying and fixing your contributions to the poor state of the marriage that led to his infidelity, and start filling his love bank. This is the essence of Plan A.

In parallel, until he writes a no contact letter, assume the affair continues and consider exposing it to anyone who can be an influence on him - including the rest of the circle. Do they know what's going on? If they do and they have not already banned OW, these are friends you may not need.

Cutting to the chase, she is part of a circle of friends that we are very close to. The recommendation is that they NEVER see each other again. How do we lose her without losing the circle of friends?

If this were reduced down to a 2-choice dilemma... this is what it would look like

1. Lose group of friends to make marriage safe
2. Risk contact with OW which may start up the affair again

---> This is the essence of a 2-choice dilemma.... both choices involve a loss.... and you choose the lesser of 2 evils.

Where folks go awry is they try to fabricate a 3rd *impossible* choice.... where they don't have to lose a thing.

But, there is not actually a 3rd choice, and the loss you suffer is usually greater than if you made a choice yourself .... because the opportunity for a choice has passed, and you find that things are happening TO YOU rather than you choosing the lesser of 2 evils.

You must prioritize your desires. And so too, must your husband.

One of the other great losses of adultery, is there might ~also~ be a loss of certain valuable friendships.... in order to protect the marriage.

Decide your priority, and choose your loss.

Pep

Dear WAT and PEP,

Thank you for your replies and insight. I have been out of town for the week.

WAT asked what is our background.
WS - 47
BS - 47 today
M - 24 years
S - 21, D - 23

We have had a commuter marriage for 4 years. I took a job out of town and got a studio apartment when our son was a senior in high school. My health had deteriorated to the point my doctor recommended that I remove myself from the stress in order to recover. I had to choose health over marriage, and I didn't expect him to continue with the marriage (although I wanted him to). My health improved, our marriage improved, but now we are having to deal with this situation. I have been trying desparately to get a job back in town, but jobs have been scarce. I continue to apply, but I cannot give up my good job to be home given the risk of abandonment.