I need advice. My W is in full A mode and we're going to mediation on Thursday. I'm fighting the D, so I know there will be more fireworks soon. This morning I overheard her talking to OM and he's actually in town, house shopping! I think my W will join him when she comes back to the house w/ the kids. I'm so tired of babysitting while she has her playtime with her fly-in lover.

This just tells me that when the D fight begins, they'll dig their heels even deeper. I'm getting discouraged and need perspective for the long road ahead. Anthing you fellow travellers can share would help.

My Story

My Plan

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

DL,
I haven't followed much of your story due to time commitments but I wanted to comment on your babysitting comment. I believe you need to set a boundary. Tell your wife that you are no longer available to baby sit the kids so that she can go be with OM. Be very calm and patient when you tell her this. She'll be angry. Aren't selfish people always angry?!

cwmac

I'm not sure if that's where she is going. Do I confront her anyway and risk LB'ing?

I would just tell her that you have plans and will not be able to watch the kids.

She wouldn't say where she's going. but that she will return later to have a meeting with her mom. She and her family actually believe that I will not do anything to contest this D or address the A. They don't approve, but are afraid of angering my W.

She's getting distant again. I was paying bills online and she just asked me not to pay her bills.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

yeah, he was here. she dropped him to the airport, hence the rush. he called upon arrival home while we were eating dinner. I'm so angry, I can't sleep. he disrupts my very life, my home, my job, but if I respond. I'm a jerk. sorry. I've had enough of this person's disrespect.

bmp

Not a lot of real insight to share. Just want to say I am praying for you...and this sucks! Sounds like they are taking another step to try and fiercely make the fantasy real. Amazing what lengths they will go to, to make it "worth" all the choices they made. It never is enough, but they fool themselves in the process! The fact that OM would MOVE here before your WW has even divorced is comepletely crazy, She is not his to have, never has been, and still isn't, yet he would MOVE on the "promise" of a liar???

YIKES. I am sorry.

Don't be sorry when it's true. What makes them wake up? I've been told to "destabilize" the A. How? Everyone knows and THEY DON'T CARE. Still I'll do what I can.

I think the best way to destabilize is exposure. That way, they are not isolated in the fantasy bubble, but have to let the whole world see the evil, dark, twisted, ugly little thing that has thrived in the dark spots, like mold or something. Nothing wakes you up faster than a swift dose of reality. And this is a big part of Plan A.
Either you follow the "plans" in their entirity, or not at all. Not sure where you are with that aspect, but I encourage it.

Also, are your conseling with the Harley's or Penny Tuper from SYMC. It really is valuable to get customized advise.

Like I said: EVERYONE knows about this A. It doesn't seem to faze them. My IL's think I should let it go for the sake of peace. My BIL doesn't know why I want to stay with " a woman who f@@ks around"--and that's her brother!

What do I do to turn it up a notch?

The episode where OM called you at work...seems to me your response was exactly what your wife and him wanted. For a fed and an MD to engage in that behaviour is creepy. First thing is that I would portray his call as a threat. Then I'd immediately get a protective order covering myself and the kids against OM. I'd even go after a judicial order to vacate against the wife.

Go for sole custody. Go for alimony/child support based on her earnings prior to starting private practice. You seem to out-think yourself. You also seem to have lots of people close to you siding with you on this. Start pushing buttons. Protect your kids and start looking out for yourself.

This OM deserves what happens to him. Whatever you've been doing isn't working. Stop making plans and start implementing them. Get angry. At some point its irrelevant what your wife and OM do; what matters is what you do.

"What do I do to turn it up a notch?"

How 'bout contacting the National Board of Realtors? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

bmp

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Lurking:

You're right! This behavior constitutes an attack against my household and family. I must respond accordingly. I don't want this dude (or my wife in her fog) to have unlimited access to my boys.

The hammer drops in T minus 3 days... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

bmp

bmp

Hi D... I read your story from before but I didn't answer, I thought you had enough good advice. How are you? What are you doing at the moment to releive the pressure and the pain? I know your wife is FULL in the affair and she doesn't care who knows, and they are making plans together. Sometimes it takes what you call a "reality check" to get them to SNAP out of the fog... and sometimes their fog can take months if not year... but some spouses hang in there until then since you have children together. Most people that haven't been to MB will tell you to leave... but I say to what you can. At this point, you can't change your wife's ways. She is going to be with OM no matter what you say or what you do. You have to take care of you and your kids...(that's something that you know) Now I know its hard.. Tell me what you're doing to lessen the pressure of her A? Walks? Going out with buddies? listening to music? Going deep inside your work? Talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm reading.

I think you were holding back on exposing the affair fully to the OM's employers well.. I say expose everything.. you have nothing to lose! He already have your wife...only way to snap both of them is to expose this as much as you can.. even if it hurts. I know he calls at your job? what is that? File of harrassment!

I have not said anything other MB members haven't told, just thought I'd like you to figure out where you are.. and where you are going. How are your children?