H just sent this message to me...

I do feel that there's been too much to repair, not just of the recent, but I never stopped feeling the hurt of the past, all the way from the beginning.

If he felt like that why did he marry me in the first place???

I'm so heartbroken right now. I'm so close to giving up on everything. Do I respond to this? What am I supposed to say?

I'm so hurt. I know I caused a lot of problems in the beginning of our relationship and I regret everything I've done. The thing is I'm hurting too but I still want him. I feel so stupid like I've ruined everything. I just want to tell him that I am in so much pain right now and part of me really hates him for not giving us a chance to work on things. I just don't think I can take getting rejected by him again.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

As long as the EA is going on, he will not want to work on the marriage. Your best bet is to work on yourself, the only one you can change. I wouldn't even respond.

After discovery and exposure, if the affair continues, ALL BSs hear that speech in one form or another.

It's straight from the WS script. Typical rationalization and revisionist history. He HAS to say this to justify his behavior.

DO NOT place any significance on it.

well, i told him that i would be going back up to IL on Tuesday and that I should get there on Wednesday. I told him that I would try to pack my things and leave as quicky as possible in order to keep things from getting bad again. Last time I tried, I started balling and couldn't do it. He wrote back saying that I didn't have to rush the move but he wanted to be sure to be there when I came and to make sure not to go when he wasn't there. I responded by telling him that I didn't mind him being there but I didn't want his dad there. (I'm not on good terms with his dad since I exposed the EA and since the last time I tried to pack he stood in the hallway and laughed with H while I was packing up my lifes belongings) I'm sure he just wants to make sure that I don't take anything that he wants. He's become very paranoid and I'm sure he's afraid I'd be snooping around if I was there when he wasn't.

His response: I'm not trying to be obtuse....they live here. whether he's here or not, I have no control over that, and I'm not going to tell him to go away, I imagine he'll stay in the shed or something anyway. I'm just saying that I want to be around.

What I'm keeping myself from saying:
Are you trying to make this the hardest it possibly can be for me???? I hate having to do this. I don't want any of this to be happening. I wish we could talk about it all. I love you so much. I would do anything to try and work things out between us. I miss you. I wish you would at least let me try to make you happy. Did our marriage mean nothing to you at all??? I feel like I'm just a joke to you. I've never regreted being with you ever. I guess the mistake you said you made wasn't about that girl; it was about marrying me. Just so you know, I will never give you a divorce. I will always consider myself to be married. I was always so proud to be your companion. I guess you still have your emotional support there so it must be so easy to throw away everything we had. You say you don't hate me but I can't see how you can treat someone you care about the way you continue to treat me.

To top it off, I've just been informed that my move has been postponed another week. I'm never going to get out of here.