I'm a 32 yr old hubby with 2 small children and married almost 10 years now. I've taken some time to become familiar with marriage builders and have given the basic concepts a review. I've introduced the site to my wife and we are both interested in using the material to make our relationship better. We'll soon start on the emotional needs and love busters questionaires and go from there. That aside, there is one other question I'm not sure what to do with.

Background: I've always adored my wife with the energy and enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store. I even cried (happily!) at our wedding. Maybe the phrase "opposites attract" really is true if you consider Myers Briggs Personality profiles. I'm an ISTJ, she is the exact opposite. Our biggest differences in our relationship stem from only two areas. 1) Our upbringing and 2) intimacy/sex On the social scale she was probably one step below me, growing up the youngest of 4 and did not have much in terms of material posessions. I'm not sure if it will have much to do with difference 2 but I'll mention it. When she was a young teenager, her older brother sexually abused her on one occasion. Now for difference 2: I take the initiative when it comes to most things (taking vacations, suggesting different things to do as family, financial plans, anything really, etc), including intimacy. I'd say our intimacy was positive and it grew, up until our first child 4 years ago. Then I experienced what I'm sure most fathers do; the baby getting all the love and attention instead of the father. It took awhile but I could tell that our intimacy was on the upswing again when we were ready for the second child. The second child is now 18 mos. This time, and I realize it may still be early, but the emotional care and feeding of our intimacy is not returning. This has been extremely difficult on me. We have talked and I feel my wife understands how I feel. Yet, it really hasn't made it any better. In my distress of not having the most basic of male needs met, I started contemplating and edging into other sexual experiences and found this other group of people called swingers. All of my activities were confined to the computer until last summer.

Last July, I had to go to Las Vegas for work. They don't call it sin city for nothing. In short, I went to what was called a swingers party with the intention of keeping my clothes on. I had sex with another woman while in the pool. I had never met her before, have no relationship with her, and don't even remember her name.

That night made me repent to God and I've never looked at another woman the same way since. I am a Christian and have reconciled my relationship with God. I focused on what I can do to help her understand and meet my emotional and intimate needs. I've never told my wife. However, it's still something I can't forget, even after one year has past. There is plenty of guidance on this site that many of you have given so lovingly, but it's geared towards affairs. I associate an affair as having some other relationship besides just sexual. That, of course, is not my case.

So my question is, should I somehow tell her as we use marriage builders to work on our marriage or should I take it to my grave?

At least one reason I am so reluctant is that my wife has the propensity to make snap decisions when it comes to our relationship. She broke up with me twice in the 4 years that we dated. The second time hurt me so bad that I told her if she made another thoughtless decision like that again, I was done. Both times she admits that she had no real reason except to say, "I wasn't sure if you would be my soul mate." She, of course, realized that I was as close to her childhood romeo fantasy as the world could possibly offer her and she married me. Of course I'm not perfect, but I feel I put forth a great effort to our marriage. I'm looking forward to what all of you have to say.

Distressed

Distressed:

Come clean with your wife. She deserves to know the truth. My wife also desired to take her secret to the grave. She also did not know the person she slept with, having met him a just few hours before. Here's the problem we've had...holding in the secret made it easier for her to hold in other things. Our relationship suffered greatly during the 7 years she kept it from me.

You may feel you are protecting your wife by hiding the truth. Nothing could be more wrong. You are simply treating her like a child, unable to make decisions on her own. She desrves to know. Get up your courage and tell her NOW.

Todd

I associate an affair as having some other relationship besides just sexual. That, of course, is not my case.

Adultery is adultery, no matter how you cut it up.

AS for telling your wife...find a safe place for her to hear it( are you in MC?). Your wife needs to know. Whats the point of working on your marriage if its not an honest effort?

There is a risk involved ( thats why I said a safe place)...but you knew that risk when you had intercourse with somebody else other then your wife.

Time for the hard work mate... but the effort is worth it.


Take care


Max

You and she have a communication problem--a big one. As soon as you start opening up the comm channels, you will talk more, and this will most certainly come out.

This site is great...but, you and she are going to need more than filling out a couple of surveys. You need marriage counseling. Find a good one, and then go.

You said, "She, of course, realized that I was as close to her childhood romeo fantasy." ??? Yikes...you need to come down to earth more than a little, my friend.

Todd, Mac, and Jimmy
Thanks so much for your reply, especially you Todd, since you've lived it.

I did type my message rather quickly so I'll add a little clarification to Mad's adultery and Jimmy's romeo comments.
Yes, I know adultery is adultery, but that wasn't the issue I was discussing. I was just distinguishing between an affair and what I did relative to the guidance MB's gives. I didn't know if the guidance would be any different.
"find a safe place for her to hear it( are you in MC?). Your wife needs to know. Whats the point of working on your marriage if its not an honest effort?" Good point. Sounds like your saying the safe place for me to tell her is in counseling?
Jimmy, I used the romeo story to illustrate a simple point. Granted, could've done a better job at it. She simply really believed that she wouldn't marry anyone unless they were perfect, ie her romeo. To her, she realizes noone is perfect, including me, but I am her romeo.

Thanks guys.

DH,
When people are young they tend to believe they are going to have the perfect life, the perfect spouse, the perfect children etc. It's kinda like the teenager who takes on so many risky behaviors because they're impervious to distruction.

The reality is no one has a perfect life. A few years ago I used to wonder how I'd motivate myself in the future bc I had everything I wanted: wife, family, great house, cash in the bank etc. I was content. Just about the time I was thinking that FWW and OM were having their very first few meetings that began the EA.

Todd said it all you need to tell your wife Do it in a safe environment. MC is a good idea. You may find out that she has a secret or two also.

As I look back on my early marriage, there were two areas that are indirectly related that led to alot of resentment on my part that my wife read as anger towards her: sex and the attention the kids got.

Read "How to Survive an Affair" and I'd also reccommend "Men are from Mars...Venus" since men and women think and therefor communicate so differently. One thing a marriage can't afford is miscommunication cause it causes resentment.

Mac

Thanks for your post CWMAC.

I'm thinking I should use our pastor as the first step towards counseling. It's what I'd feel comforable with. Anyone have thoughts?

Also, we started filling out our MB questionaires on personal history, emotions, and love busters last night. We got through 2 out of 3. One of the questions was how many people had I had sex with. She's ready to talk about the questionaires. The truthful answer to this question would reveal what I've done. So should I go over this now or wait til we're with the pastor for example?? Appreciate any quick responses.

FYI, I quickly reviewed "How to Survive an Affair." Section 4 has so many similarities its almost scarry. I'm optimistic about all of this. That doesn't mean anything will be easy.

Distressed

Thanks for your post CWMAC.

I'm thinking I should use our pastor as the first step towards counseling. It's what I'd feel comforable with. Anyone have thoughts?

Also, we started filling out our MB questionaires on personal history, emotions, and love busters last night. We got through 2 out of 3. One of the questions was how many people had I had sex with. She's ready to talk about the questionaires. The truthful answer to this question would reveal what I've done. So should I go over this now or wait til we're with the pastor for example?? Appreciate any quick responses.

FYI, I quickly reviewed "How to Survive an Affair." Section 4 has so many similarities its almost scarry. I'm optimistic about all of this. That doesn't mean anything will be easy.

Distressed