People I know this sounds crazy considering MB is about saving your marriage or dealing with the emotional task of moving on, but I only realized this morning that during the bewildering shock of discovering my WW's affair I never hesitated for a second to ask the fundamental question:

"Should this marriage be saved?"

I love my W! I always have loved her and I always will love her, but as I read and re-read the many charateristics of a good marriage I am startled to uncover the facts:

1. I myself have dealt with more than my share of not getting my EN's met

2. This constant need to improve our marriage and interactions has always been onesided with me being the implementor and initiator

That's enough, i think I will pursue some form of IC to determine my own motivations for continually striving to rescue, repair, please, and sacrifice for others. Please don't get me wrong, but if you're a BS who is struggling to save your marriage it might be advisable once the initial shock of your S's affair deadens to evaluate your motivations for saving the marriage.

I'm not saying this to discourage anyone, but some of the stories that I read her are so full of pain inflicted to the BS and I do not think in all cases these actions should be permitted regardless to how much you love them. We all should have limits to what we will endure, and our fears of being lonely, losing or just plain warm people shouldn't immobilize us to take a nice hard look at what we're saving and why.

Some of you might say,
"Hey isn't your name Family Matters..what you towknbout Willis?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm just saying some self-evaluation along with marriage evaluation might be in order.

Or am I just a BS going thru the full range of emotions all BS's go thru?

Inexperience beckons unto the Wise.,
lend me your advice....lol

Take Care friends...just my thoughts on a Monday Morning...

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Hmmm, I thought about the same things FM. I think that it is just one of those "range of emotions" that the BS goes through. It is damn hard.

I have often thought what you are saying. I think that maybe, if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be working so hard, or lamenting so much over the Marital crisis. I think I would be more willing, even eager to move on.

But because of the kids, I have to stay. Don't misunderstand me, I still care for my wife, I want to be with her. BUT, I have to think about more than myself, or even her.

Most of us know the statistics for children of divorce. It would be foolish to think our kids won't end up as one of those numbers. Just as foolish as thinking our marriage would never end in DV or Affairs.

I don't want that kind of future for my kids. I don't want them to have to see Dad on Christmas Eve and see Mom on Christmas Day. I don't want two sets of family at my daughters Rehersal dinner when she gets married. I don't want that for them.

So I know my biggest driving reason. Unfortunately, my WW is not of the same thinking as I.

Family Matters, do like roughroad. Do what you can do as long as you can do it.

FM-I too am struggling with this very heavy question. My WS has now admitted that she has had 3 affairs in our 28 years together. A 4 month A, a ONS and now a 5 year A with her old high school boyfriend. Needless to say I am devastated but since the initial shock has worn off I am questioning do I really love her or am I just afraid of being alone. It has only been 7 weeks since D-Day and have started IC this past weekend. Although my couselor is a MD who has referred me to a counselor to really work on some of these issues. His initial comment was maybe separation is a good thing. Her A is not over as she stills talks to him everyday and has should absolutely no remorse. At the moment she is cakeating waiting for our youngest son to go to college in mid August. What is there to save? How does one go about the task of determining if the marriage is worth saving? Do I want to save this marriage. My head say get the lying cheating woman out of my life but my heart says that she is the only woman I have known for 28 years and maybe I do love her. I welocme any and everyone's thoughts and input

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my thoughts...it really helps.

I want to be admirable, at the end of my life I would hope fighting for my marriage will mean something to my children and say something positive about who I am as a man.

I have these moral convictions and I hope they are from a healthy place. It's hard to give up on someone you've known half your life. I looked into her eyes today and I still can see that cute girl I used to rendezvous with at my high school locker.

1FLA and HopeFul, we are so different but so much the same. I'm going to stay positive, I've been getting to wrapped up in saving my M. I think a breather is in my near future. I have like 100 post in 2 weeks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

familymatters -

I think it is good to voice these feelings. My main feeling is that the person my WS is now, is not the person I married. He is not the person I lived with all these years.

The question is, will that person come back? I have no interest in even being around this new WH, let alone staying married to him.

I know that I will be fine without him. But of course, the kids are grown and out of the house. That would be a huge consideration for me. I think if there are minor children involved, you have to keep trying until there is absolutely no hope, and then try some more.

Most of these WS's do come back to the marriage. The A partners only have less than a 5% chance of staying together long term.

Hi FamilyMatters,

I, too, feel the same way. Unlike you, though, I have no kids. You have all the more reason to stay and work on your M.

You told me on my thread not to give up. So you better do the same. Stick to your guns like you said you were going to do!

You are probably just having a negative day. I have good days and bad days, too, regarding this matter. Stay positive and I will try to do the same.

svb

I ponder this question a lot lately...like svb, I don't have kids and haven't been married for as many years as many of the folks on the board, but I do still have the belief of one marriage, one lifetime.

I do still love her and want her to come back, but only if the person I fell in love with comes back...not the cold-hearted b$%ch she has become. She feels like she has been so wronged in her life that she now has to "take control" even though her life is spinning dangerously out of control. She makes demands and says that any contact once she moves out will be on "her terms" and crap like that...

I just wonder if it's all worth it...like you FM I'm going really work on myself...that is the only person I have complete control over...I'm working with an IC and will continue to do so...if/when she ever decides that the marriage is something she wants...then I will have to evauluate whether I want her back...that's going to be a tough question, though...

Keep the faith...I still pray everyday that my marriage can be saved, but the conditions must be right...

I don't believe that all marriages should be saved. Sometimes it is better to just cut your losses and move on.

HOWEVER, the worst thing a BS can do is to make such a decision within a year of the affair, when raw, wounded emotions are driving the ship. The pain of the affair is NOT PERMANENT, divorce *IS*.

Every situation is different, but I cringe when I see a new BS here talking about divorce when they are the under the influence of very traumatized emotions. They could be missing out on a potentially fantastic marriage.

When I found out about my H's affair, I kicked the bum out and called the realtor. I wanted rid of him. But I am glad I gave him a second chance, because I wouldn't have such a wonderful marriage today.

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody-

That's good to hear that you have survived and are thriving...I think it's too early to quit, but it's so hard...like you said, with all the emotions running hard, with her moving out, etc. I just won't know until she comes back...if she comes back...I just hope and pray she gives it another chance because in my heart I believe it can be a wonderful marriage...