Has anyone out there lived with the spouse while the affair was going on and your spouse knew you knew and still would leave the house. Is this for Plan A. How did yall handle this

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>

swimming alone

this is exactly for plan a...

you pick a time period in YOUR brain that you can handle the rollie-coastie...
and you plan a...
then you go to plan b..
and let him live his choices.....

it is very important for you to pick the end date..because cake-eaters wil try to convince you that the insane and abnormal is sane and normal.

there is nothing sane nor normal about someone married dating...

have you gone the exposure route...
do you know her...
does she know you...

also you should also consider some 180's in your plan a..in which you become less accountable for YOUR time at home..
that you get dressed up and go out somewhere leaving him little detail on to where you are going...


get his attention by not saying a word to him...
ark.....

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

actually it is my wife doing this. Yes some people know about this. her family does not. They have a tendecy to make things worse when they know our business. Plan A has got to be the hardest of the two to be around and know when they leave where they are going.Hate It. got any good plan A AND 180 ideas

sorryswimming...

it's actually very very funny that I called you a she...because I have been called a he over and over and over again here....

I throw myself on your mercy....
and thank god I didn't tell you to batt your eyes at her and do the pepperband hair flip... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


Plan a idea are the sublte simple no chaos things...
one place to start are the "reasons" SHE give..understanding that she speaks in babble of how and why YOU forced her in to having an affair...

so that you try to glean from the babble areas that you can work IF for no other reason but to diffuse her arguements and defenses...and remove you and your actions from her abilility to deflect 'blame"

the 180's in plan a is where you find a new interest or pull back slightly on your own accountability...
it is done in small measurements and done respectfully...

one way to do it is to plan something fun she would be interested in ...
a concert
a play
a summer festival
a day at lake/beach..
and invite her along ..
AND if and when she refuse YOU go alone...go anyways...
and don't give her much detail....
invite friends that she enjoys seeing....if that would work...

things like that...

also you should consider a new hobby..with limited time commitment so as not to become some new overwhelming event that does take time away from her and the marriage....

but something that you enjoy...so you have a relief...


actually just went and read some of your posts..

YOUR new activity must be ALANON....

don't discuss alanon with her
don't powerstruggle it...
just go....

plan a is useless on an abuser...

but the avoidance of disrepect and powerstruggling is of huge importance in this case because any weakness in your armor...any chance to turn on you will be used....

drop the thought of unconditional love...in action it is useless.....because love is action and sometimes boundaries and limits are the most loving things you can do..and they certainly are conditional based in action.....

have you and her family considered an intervention...?

ark

yes her dad mentioned an intervention but that would just make things worse I think for know. she is a master manipulator and controller. I told her yesterday that I was going to move into their parents duples(they offered) and she went ballistic. Said that she did not have any respect for me for doing that, I want the easy way out, how dare I get her family involved that is her family and leave then alone(they are the ones asking me questions) I will file for divorce and you will pay child support. If you want to move out we will get you another place but not my parents. She is definitely does not want them to know anything. Hard for me to deal with that kind of manipulation

boy swimmingalone...

yes her dad mentioned an intervention but that would just make things worse I think for know. she is a master manipulator and controller.

wanna read that sentence over and over..
what's worse than a women going out with OP abusing alchohol and doing it front of her children and husband...hmmmmmm???

go to alanon TODAY
1. call your FIL he will know where to send ya...

2. you can not be manipulated nor controlled without your consent...but you do need to learn and master the tools to opt out of those situations...it a skill hard learned...

3. quit all discussions and informing her of your plans they will all end up in power struggles....

4. do not make any moves or plans until you can do so with out leaving the children with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ark

I agree . That sentence does sound rediculus after being reread. You know, it is hard to try not to be controlled and manipulated. She is so good at it.

well today I saw my wife leaving her boyfriends house. she say me and pulled up next to me and we talked. I said how can you do this and look at your self and she said it is not easy and as if you didn't know about this....... I got tired of the manipulation and control of me... I called her and said we need to split the bills. She said are getting an apartment i said no I am going to stay in your parents duplex(they live in the other) she was not happy saying that is her family. I said that your dad offered,I did not go seeking. I said I am thinking about me and the kids. they will be better off there with a support group instead of a new apartment. with my work schedule it will be easier on them and me until i figured out what i am going to do with my life---school or another job. More affordabel for me their. the kids have a pool ,play ground and 4acres of land to run with a cousin living next door. I told her you have put me in this position I did not want to make. When I talked the me talk and said you know what I mean because your life is about you and not me or the kids she had nothing to say. She wanted me to move out but where she wanted me to move. did not want parents to get involed. She said that I have cut her off from her family. I said I did not you dad offered .She said we could do this the right way with out them. she does not want them to know about the affair and partying. But her family knows that she has a drinking problem. She screws up every time she starts this.It goes in cycles. She said that we will sit down and divide bills and that she will divorce me and will deliver me the papers. I said ok. 2nd affair in one year. She said that it scares her that she can fall so fast. how can she think i cut her off from her family, her actions will do that alone,they offered and i accepted.this will be my plan b. Her father says she needs tough love and the only way to get her back to let her run(if i get her back) he runs a rehab and he knows about the alcoholic mind state with blaming others for your problem and manipulation. I hope I did make a mistake. I said the problems that the kids will have because of this is on you shoulders because of your choices not mine. I did not choose this for our family. I said I wanted to try and love you and work things out but you are not going to treated me like this anymore.she use words like, pathetic idiot, not a real man, real men dont do this, you need to make more money, find a better job..anything to cut me down. and usually when she would do this I would give in to her. It felt good to do this. This probable make things worse between us but it will put more stress in her life and maybe speed up her down fall. she said I will never forgive you for going to my parents.She is partying and running around on me and wants to divorce me cause I will stay next door to her parents.She knows if I move in she will look like the bad guy. She wants to live like this with as few consequences as possible. you know I still want to work things out with her. I love her very much. 2nd guessing myself though. If she divorces me she will say because of going to her parents duplex and any chance we had of working things out is gone. She said that before. We will not have a chance if you go there but then says I do not know if I want to stay with you so you should move on. Manipulation and kept on a string

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>