Last night I wanted quick response, so I called one of my girlfriends in USA (she's an expert in the subject matter).
Here is the story.... In January, when my H cheated and told me... I was devasted, like any other WW feeling unsexy, unwanted, humiliated, somehow this was all my fault. I felt crappy. And everyone was telling me to go out.. take walks and try to forget. Then again my walks just bring me to rollercoaster rides. To make a long story short, while I was taking my walks, (I walk very fast) like I have an objective, but not really, at times, I'd take it slow. I was crying that whole day and went outside in the snow just to renew myself. All the while my Husband was still talking to the OW. I was feeling really down, so this young man comes to me and started to talk and he asked if I speak English.. come out to be from South Africa, we chatted, it was really nice to have someone to talk to. We only met that day. Although we went to the same school, we made a pack to talk. he gave me his phone number and email, yahoo.. ect.. (maybe I'm still dumb to not know when someone is interrested) I always thought of us as friends. I told him I was in a relationship, and that I was married, but things we're peachy.
Anyways we talk sometimes.. say hello, nothing much. He is also a manager for a restaurant and told him that I was looking for a job, and he was willingly telling me that I can work for his friend's restaurant next door and the pay is good and the job would guaranteed to me. Ok..
Anyways a week ago, I decided to call him, about the job, I even told him that I was sick a couple of weeks back that I was suppose to present myself for the job. He still held it down for me and told me not to worry, he would help me.
During that week, he called me like 30 times, he sent sms msgs... it's driving me crazy. He is sending me little notes. It's also driving my husband crazy asking who it is.. He even got to a point to say "is this your lover?" I showed him the messages.. Nothing offensive, just checking up on me... saying hello. Ok by then I figured that he has more feelings for me than normal friends.
I called up my girlfriend in USA and she told me you got to "cut" it. Because I don't want my H questioning me.. it's a bad feeling.. I feel GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY... because I didn't know that guy would react this way.
So I told him straight out that I didn't like him calling me so much and that it made my husband uncomfortable. He also got very disappointed and he even said that he LIKEs me.. and he just couldn't help himself. I just hope he doesn't call anymore, because it was toooo much!
I realize, all my kicking and screaming.....and wanting revenge.. would never work.. here i had a perfect opportunity, didn't take it, because I just can't. So I forfeit myself out of the job. This guy isn't a friend, so I cut him loose. I removed the number from my Cellphone. I didn't tell my H that I told the guy that, but I just nip it in the bud before it got too far. It shows how easy it is to get trapped into an affair.. It can be just a stupid game.
My husband tells me he loves me more often. At the moment we just talked about him getting this new job he has up and moving out of this apartment, also about me moving back to the states.....I can either start school here.. I speak french, I can follow the courses, but it will not be a continuium of my program. I will have to start ALL OVER...again....
I change my mind every second of everyday so it doesn't matter what I say now, but all I need to be back in some kind of school by the end of August and get a job.
What do you guys think? did I do the right thing? Am I even on the right track? I don't want to lose my marriage, we both feel like we are made for each other (I never tell him) (he tells me often) I can't imagine rebuilding my life with someone else.. even though I'm so young, but he's the one that can understand me somewhat....I am comfortable with him and trully love my husband. I married hima t 18 and I knew marriage wasn't going to be easy....and I am not expecting to. I just want to be the best person that I can be....and not lose all of it! I know people that are 35 even 50 and still in school, I do not mind.. but he doesn't want me to lose time. At times I also wonder if he is worth my time and efforts... or I'm just putting a lot of energy in something that's worthless and that I too blind to see things.. Maybe I'm stupid.
They say when the "honey moon" period is over you will see your husband in a different light, I see him in all light.
I know he can be annoying, *****y, moody, deppressive.....but he can also be fun, optomistic, a dreamer like me...
Am I lost?
