Ok.. I need some opinions (Good and/or Bad) and some advice on how to proceed.

My H and I have been trying to work things out. OM is out of the picture and I think i've been dealing with that OK... I have occasional moments when i'll think about what's goin on in his life... but never to the point of wanting to actually find out by contacting him.

Our issues have more to do with communications, SF and overall feelings. My H is overweight, to the point where I'm coompletely turned off physically by him. Since I know how it feels, being a person that has been over weight in the pass.. I try to encourage him to do something about it, without nagging. He keeps asking me about X-OM and I do answer, although I know it hurts him. One thing i admired about the OM is that he always kept himself physically in shape and took a caring to his appearance. I am NOT comparing my H to OM... but am beginning to wonder if that's what made me look twice at him. Anytime we go out in public... my H's typical wardrobe consists of sweats, A Tshirt, and sneakers. Even when the two of us go out for dinner. I like to dress up... even if it's jus the movies. When we go out, he looks like he's working in the yard, while I look like i'm going on a date. I've tried to express how i like to think that he took xtra time to dress for me, but he says he's comfortable in sweats and doesn't see the need to get dressed up for the movies.

SF between us has been straining, because of the fact that I'm physically not turned on by him. And I know he realizes this and it doesn't make him happy. I've heard people say that you should "fake" the feelings and they will return. Well, I "faked" it for the first 10 yrs of our marriage and look where it got us.

Another thing is, since my H has been on the injured list, he's been unemployed.. which makes him unemployed for the last year. Needless to say our finances are in the worse that they have ever been. To the point of him borrowing from his parents, which I hate because his mom is the type to think that if she does something for a person, it gives her the right to bud in... Anyway, although I work a full time job (which pays pretty decent by the way).. I have decided to get a part-time job, jus to help out. I ended up getting a part time job the very first time I applied. He doesn't like it, and says that I'm attacking his manhood. I understand his feeling and explained to him that I do..however, we need money... and since he's not really in a position to help out... and I can.. y not? Was that a mistake? getting a partime job?

I can only give my opinion of the weight issue and it is only my opinion. But you need to express to him your thoughts in a nice and loving way. My H kept my growing weight to himself but sent off signals to me that kept me putting on weight. For me part of it was self esteem, my H wasn't fulfilling my needs but expecting me to fill his. So I ate to fill a hole. I lost 40 lbs at d day but put it back on. Now I am losing again easily and without counting calories or anything. How? but getting ride of anger instead of eating it. I journal, express it here, to C or to H when appropriate. That little step is the answer to my weight. Anger.... Now my husband tells me alot how my weight is an issue, doesn't find me attractive doesn't want to be in public with me. I understand I don't like the way I look either, I am trying though to retrain him on how he does it. Because I'm glad he expresses it just not how. It would be better for me if he could encourage me by taking walks with me, working out with me, watching the kids while I did and telling me what a change he sees in me in all avenues of my life that I have changed physical and non physical.
hope this helps.
km4

FG, I don't understand why your H can't earn a living, but it sounds like his self-esteem is in the toilet.

I'm surprised that you and this man are in counseling together (right?), and he has no wish to make himself attractive to you. I think physical attractiveness matters to you (that's a legitimate need, you know), and if your husband understood that it matters to you and wanted to keep you, he would want to work on it. What are you trying to do to identify and fulfill his needs?

I think your H needs help. He may have had a self-esteem problem before, and you may have made it much, much worse.

Then again, some guys just love to walk around in t-shirts and sweats and sneakers. I don't get it, but different strokes for different folks.

GC

As far as the weight.. i understand too much about it.. which is why i try not to nag. I was overweight.. and not by a little either. And i know what it did when people constantly threw it up in my face.

What have I been doing to meet his needs? I guess i haven't went out on a limb regarding that. And that's a good point. One of his complaints is that we don't have enough SF.. which I understand.. we probably do 2X a week, and he wants more. To be honest with you, so do i..but how do i get around the physical attractivness issue?

Even when the two of us go out for dinner. I like to dress up... even if it's jus the movies. When we go out, he looks like he's working in the yard, while I look like i'm going on a date. I've tried to express how i like to think that he took xtra time to dress for me, but he says he's comfortable in sweats and doesn't see the need to get dressed up for the movies.

Read what you wrote here ... "I've tried to express how....."

Well, either you DID express yourself or you did not.

Which was it? You did, or you did not....

If his answer was that he feels comfortable in sweats you may NOT have expressed yourself clearly ......

Have you ever heard of expressing yourself in "word pictures"?

Let's say your H is an avid camper and fisherman. Then, you tell him a story using his interests as a backdrop.... because it will be told in a way that your H can emotionally understand.

~~ " Dear, I just heard this from my girlfriend Jane. Jane decided she was going to take her 2 boys camping and fishing. Jane made camping reservations at camp TooFar, you know, the one with a 6 week waiting period to get a permit? Well, Jane bought a new tent at Wallmart, a 2 room tent. She bought new fishing poles and all new sleeping bags too. Jane loaded the car with all the camping equipment.... and then when she was staking the tent, her high heels sunk into the mud and she got them all dirty. She got fish bait all over her $200 angora sweater and ruined it. She was wearing her flimsy silk tank top around the campfire, and she got eaten alive by mosquitoes on her bare arms. She wore a baret for a hat and her face is completely sunburned. I can't believe Jane also took her mink coat on her fishing trip! And, now, it stinks of fish and pine sap.... What a mess!

Ask your H ... " What clothing would you tell Jane to take on her next camping trip?"~~

You H may say .... high top waders, thick long sleeve fleece shirt , a sun hat.... etc....

Tell your H that it is important to dress appropriately to the situation.... and that includes dressing nicely when going on a date with you.... Tell your husband that him wearing camping clothes in a restaurant on a date with you is like Jane wearing her fur coat fishing.... Dress for the occasion....

Also, tell him that unless he is appropriately dressed, the date is cancelled.

Pep

" I have decided to get a part-time job, jus to help out. He doesn't like it, and says that I'm attacking his manhood. I understand his feeling and explained to him that I do..however, we need money... "

You talk about "trying to tell" your husband that you'd like him to wear nice clothes on a date with you .... and he doesn't change his behavior. In orther words, he ignored you. And it hurts you.

---> NOW ..... your H tells you something very clearly .... he doesn't want you to take a second job.... it hurts him ....and you ignore what he said, and go do it anyway.

Communication is not your problem.... respect for each other's feelings is your marital dilemma.

Pep

FG,

Gonna agree with Pep on this one and go a bit farther.

It's now always what you need to say but how you say it. You need to respect each other's space.

Take the EN questionnaire then:

1. As for the dress piece, let him know in a respectful way as a way he can meet your need.

2. As for the job issue, ask for his input. He doesn't want you to get a job, so what are his suggestions for making ends meet?

3. Involve him in your decision making process as much as possible.

My H needed to be asked more, even if it ended up coming to the same conclusion. I got a lot more support from him and he grew up a lot when we worked on things together.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I most definitely AGREE with the communication and respect part. I've known for a long time that that has been one of our problems.

The reason the job came about is the fact that right now.. he can not work, due to disability and him going through physical therapy. When we talk about ways around me getting another job. His answer is usually to cut back on expenses and we could "make do" with my salary alone. We'll we have CUT back to the bone and yet still we fall short. To the point of him asking his parent for help. I don't like that.. at all.

Although he doesn't like the idea.. he reluctantly agreed to my parttime job for a short time, until he can get on his feet again (literally, since it was his ankle that got broke).

I realize that his self esteem is not great right now, and i'm probably not helping matters... but I have to be honest, i do not feel as if I can trust his ability to be the provider right now and haven't for a long time. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a P-T job, maybe that'll make matters worse. I just felt and feel like that if i don't do something, nothing will get done.

fG,

I know just from my wifes affair,, was definately enough to motivate me in my appearance. I never have been a really flashy dressed kinda guy. When me and wife were separated I made sure everytime she saw me I was well dressed. Even just to pick the kids up I was well dressed. I needed to feel attractive I wanted to show her I was the attractive man she wanted. Everytime she saw me she would say "you look good". The affair itself was all the motivation I needed to improve my appearance. I still make it a point to look the best I can whenever we are together. I never have had a weight issue but I can relate to the dressing up for dates and such. We men fall into a routine we take for granted our wifes will allways be attracted to us,, after all they married us. Have you ever heard your husband say "you married me for who I am and I am not going to change"? Sometimes it feels like I am married so I dont need to buy fancy clothes,,, my wife loves me for who and what I am.
I did this also before her affair,, now I hear her say "You are so good looking" shell even say "I cannot believe I had an affair when I have such a great looking husband". I didnt hear this much before her affair,, and I thought maybe she only says these things because she knows I felt beneath the OM. When I look back I also know I quit making efforts on my appearance,, I would wear the sweats and such when we went to movies, restaraunts. My wife allways has dressed nice, why didnt I?? The truth is I took for granted that by being married my wife would love me no matter what. Visual attraction is definately on my top list of EN's. I know it is on my wifes as well. No longer will I feel my wife doesnt need to see me as stunning, and handsome. The truth is Your spouse should be the first one you are visually attracted to.
Pick out some clothes for your hubby and ask him to wear what you lay out,,, thats a start... tell him you love the way he looks in certain items,, he will get it.

FG,

I know money is tight, but if he has a big weight problem the other problem is likely that no clothing off the rack fits him or is comfortable. Is it possible to take him to a "good" clothing store and get somethings that are tailored to fit him?? It may be the best money you ever spent. If he starts to look sharp, it will help him even to losing some weight.

You said something else that I think needs to be considered. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that his self esteem is not great right now, and i'm probably not helping matters... but I have to be honest, i do not feel as if I can trust his ability to be the provider right now and haven't for a long time. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a P-T job, maybe that'll make matters worse. I just felt and feel like that if i don't do something, nothing will get done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what will hurt his self-esteem? Being lied to and being treated like a child. You say you want a man, but you don't treat him like one. You got the PTJ because you feel the need for more money, and you are uncertain. He cannot do anything about the ankle, but he can know how you think and feel about things, including his weight.

But,here is where YOU can really help him. Express your thoughts on these matters, but be ready to sit down with him and discuss solutions and how YOU will help him. How you want to be on his side, part of HIS team to accomplish what you BOTH decide needs to be done. Now you are treating as a MAN, as your H, as someone you want to work with on this.

He is digging in his feet because it is the ONLY thing he controls right now. He probably has no control over his emotions, he feelings of loss, or worthlessness, so what is left. Well, he can be belligerent, that is all. What you need to recognize is he is resisting because it is all that is left of his pride. He knows you don't care for him, he doubts you love him, and frankly he fears you feel sorry for him. He does not want that, but what he wants will make him seem sooooo weak that he cannot admit it.

But if you gave him what he and YOU know he wants, and that is support, respect, and yes help, I am betting he will accept after some initial resistence.

FG, treat him like a man you respect and feel is strong, be honest with him, but do it with no LB's. He will be hurt, but explain to him, you NEED him to be the man, you want him to be, and you know he can be. Further, you are one his side and his team.

On the issue of sexual issues, tell him what you want from him. You want him to leave you in a puddle of satisfaction so deep you cannot move when he is done with you. You want to crave him, and enjoy him, and have fun with him. But, that is going to take changes on both of your parts. Tell the man what you need to be that way, and if that includes him being more attractive lay it on him...with a smile that will melt his heart.

You see if YOU have hope, you can give him hope, and with hope a lot can get done.

FG, have you realized that is what this site is all about...hope. And look what can happen when people have hope, they endure, the struggle, they succeed. If we do nothing to the new people that come here WS or BS, it is to give them hope that they CAN succeed,and then often they do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You and your H can too, but you must treat him like a MAN, and that means being honest with him, while being kind to him. Does this make sense??

I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

FG, have you realized that is what this site is all about...hope. And look what can happen when people have hope, they endure, the struggle, they succeed. If we do nothing to the new people that come here WS or BS, it is to give them hope that they CAN succeed,and then often they do.

What happens if "I'M" feeling hopeless... what happens when I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel?

His dad, who is retired (after 40 yrs with the same company) now does part time retirement work... He was able to get my H out there on a PT temp basis. My H just called me complaining that they want him to work 2 extra hours and didn't give him any notice prior. He said he has been looking forward to going to bed and sleeping... HUH!!! I did everything i could possibly do to stop from LB'ng. I mean he works a couple of nites a week at best, granted they're weird hours... but it's better than nothing!! I don't understand!

We try and do thing together, just us two, and we can be in each other's presence for more than 2 hours w/out arguing. This weekend we decided (i asked) to take a drive to the city (NYC) which is about an hour away. We get out to the car, i'm heading for the passanger seat.. he stops me and says.. You're driving (I ALWAYS drive).. so no problem, i drive. Then he yells @ me for going too fast. I yell back that if doesn't like how i drive... he should have drove, but since he didn't want to.. then he should hush and enjoy the ride.

We needed gas, so I drive to the gas station and sit and wait, he goes.. "Oh y can't u get the gas, your on the same side as the tank and you're not doing anything anyway!!!" WTH!!!! those little things grate on my nerves and it makes it impossible to enjoy time with him... but he just doesn't get it!!!

FG,,

Arguing over who drives,,, gets gas, these are very small problems. Look at your marriage as a whole.
You married this man in 1989 was he attractive to you in 89? Did he argue about little chores. Did his weight and attitude change after D Day.
It almost sounds like you are reaching for reasons to leave your husband.
What effort are you making to save your marriage.

The only thing you need to do is ask yourself.DO YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND? DO YOU WANT TO REBUILD YOUR MARRIAGE? Only what you want not what you feel is best for the children.
If your husband has allways had these flaws,, an affair was definately not the way to address them to your husband.
Be honest to yourself,,, It sounds like you are looking for a way out.
keep posting and updating,,, your marriage is not hopeless,,,, unless you truly feel you no longer wish to be in this Marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong> FG,,

Arguing over who drives,,, gets gas, these are very small problems. Look at your marriage as a whole.
You married this man in 1989 was he attractive to you in 89? Did he argue about little chores. Did his weight and attitude change after D Day.
It almost sounds like you are reaching for reasons to leave your husband.
What effort are you making to save your marriage.

The only thing you need to do is ask yourself.DO YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND? DO YOU WANT TO REBUILD YOUR MARRIAGE? Only what you want not what you feel is best for the children.
If your husband has allways had these flaws,, an affair was definately not the way to address them to your husband.
Be honest to yourself,,, It sounds like you are looking for a way out.
keep posting and updating,,, your marriage is not hopeless,,,, unless you truly feel you no longer wish to be in this Marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eric,

you make some pretty good points. And I sincerely Thank you for your insight, sometimes it's easier to see from the outside than it is from within.

You asked about our relationship Pre-A, as well as the early years. The problem with that is that we both met when we were 15 and married @ 22. The reason I say that's part of the problem is that we were so young. Did he dress like that when we first met? Probably so, and I probably dressed a lot more casual as well. We dressed like kids.

As far as the arguing about little things, IMO, the little things are we can make you or break you. I can't tell you how many times I've had to bite my tongue (and i'm sure he'll say the same).

Am I looking for a way out or an excuse to get out? Hmmmm... I'll ponder that one. I know in the pass I've looked for an "escape" (hence the A).. Right now, I just want to be happy with what I've got. I want to feel secure in my marriage, and I want to be "in love" with my husband... neither of those things i'm feeling at the moment.

Do I want to rebuild my marriage? I think I do, but I also think i'm afraid and not feeling real confident about it at this moment.

But THANK you once again for replying and giving me food for thoughts...