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So, me and the kids returned home and spent an agonizing week with WH. He stayed home every night, but either called her or snuck out to call her every single day, sometimes more than once. She is wawy on vacation this week, so no physiacl contact. He is definitely in withdrawal.

He has been singing the D song for a few weeks, ever since she hasn't really been around. They used to live and breathe each other (GAG ME!), so this is a change...

This past weekend, we all went to Maine and he starts his new job there today. He is pretty much homeless there (no apt./room, just a campsite) and we are barely scraping by (I'm on maternity leave with WAY reduced pay).

We've been discussing the pros and cons of splitting up officially. To tell you the truth, it wouldn't be the end of my world. He always tries to escape when things are bad, so this is his usual typical crap. This new job will create several scenarios as I see it:

1) He lives in Maine, we stay M, he commutes home every weekend (or we trek there 6 hours). This is financially impossible as I see it, for an extended legth of time. I keep kids with me and somehow coordinate for the week by myself.

2) He lives in Maine, we stay M, we sell house ASAP and join him there. This is a big risk, plus OW's parents have a home up there. I'm not willing to move with him and restart the whole sneaking out crap if OW is visiting her parents.

3) He lives in Maine, we D, we sell house in Vermont, I split to move to my parents'. They are already agreeable. I keep kids with me and have tons of family support. Who knows when he will see kids (once a month maybe?) I go on with my life finally.

This is a very difficult position I am in. Plus the D song alternates with "financially it would be better if we didn't D", hinting that he wants to live separately, but stay M.

He and the OW already had the "this is probably not going to work out" talk at least 2 weeks ago. Why is he still calling her constantly? He was in a panic on the weekend because she would not see him (she was nearby at her parents house). I think he wants her back and thinks that telling her and me he wants a D will fix everything. I don't want to D at this point (I think).

I told him I'm following him to Maine and now he thinks I'm harrassing him, and that I don't want to hear about his "choice" to D. I am going to scream. It's amazing how much braver he is on the phone than in person!

Any thoughts for this WAID?

What's OW's situation? Married, kids, etc?

What exposure have you accomplished?

I read your other post and your description makes him sound like a classic fence sitter. A shove in either direction is needed, even to OW's side.

Thanks WAT

She is a 23 year-old with 4yr old D and a H. She has already left him in March due to his supposed alcohol problem. They do not intend to D. She has started dating, and my WH is bf #2 so far. She is a loser, of course, who doesn't give a crap about her poor D and cannot hold down a job. She won't see him right now, but he constantly calls her. They won't be seeing each other since he will be in Maine. I can't see her waiting around, I bet she'll latch on to some other dude soon enough.

I'm freaking because during the week, he'll probably call her all the time. Then on weekends, he says he'll be home or we'll visit him every weekend. Frankly, I seriously doubt that will happen consistently. She lives in our town AND her parents have a house in Maine nearby, so either way, he'll have access to her. I don't trust him a bit. The lengths he goes to to see her are sickening.

As far as exposure, everyone under the sun knows about the A. He has lost every single one of his friends from all of this. He will not call his family either. They cannot believe he is doing this to me and the kids.

Don't get me wrong, our M was not perfect blahblahblah. I am starting to give up hope one day, and them am hopeful the next.

I encourage you to be hopeful. If it's true that OW is playing the field, it's just a matter of time before your H gives up. He may be on the fence, but he also may be showing withdrawal.

What is the source of your intel on OW? Does your H know she dates others?

Time is on your side. This one is dying on the vine.

JMHO

WAT

She dated someone else right before my WH. That bf moved away, too, now that I think about it! Boy, she must be a real catch,huh?

I hope and pray that things will die out. He really liked that she doted on his every whim. Much different, apparently than me, the let's-rewrite-history evil control freak! Now that he'll be gone, maybe the fog will lift more.

Why does he act like he is making long-term plans one minute, then tells me I'm suffocating him the next? Fence-sitting must be starting to get tiresome...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by What AmIDoing?:
<strong>Why does he act like he is making long-term plans one minute, then tells me I'm suffocating him the next?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he was abducted by aliens and had his brains stirred.

Now is the time for you to take a real critical look at yourself and your contributions to the poor state of your marriage and FIX THEM! It's gonna take some time for your H to get his head fully out of his butt - if what you're reporting about OW is actually the truth (not that you're not telling the truth, but that you may not be getting the truth). Start by paying attention to his whims a little more. This doesn't mean giving him everything he wants, but listening and validating, perhaps, the whims he has but can't reasonably expect to get.

Also start to lay the groundwork - if you haven't done so already - with your respective families to explain why you're willing to restore your marriage to an alien abductee. He will need their support, understanding, and encouragement.

WAT

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I love the alien abductee analogy! It's my favorite. It so perfectly describes my flipped out weirdo H right now!

If we decide to rebuild, any hints on how to get him to face every other person in our lives? They all hate his guts and cannot believe I would even consider taking him back. This is so hard. Him moving away to Maine is a ploy I believe for him to avoid the pain of it all. At least he admits to having pain...6 weeks ago, he was as happy as can be in his fantasy world!

Part of me stiull loves him, but I feel some of that is ebbing away. I will have an incredibly hard time trusting him, I know that alraedy. He has many annoying habits and independent behaviors that make me want to scream! Sometimes I think that this is my chance to get away from him and build a more stable life for my kids, but I have a fear of being alone that is holding me back. I believe, too, as studies have shown, that kids always do better in a 2-parent household.

Just musing...

I can't offer advice on rebuilding because I didn't gain this experience. But his expected anxieties about facing other folks has to be a common dilema. When this time comes, I bet you can get lots of advice on the In Recovery board.

But first things first. Your time now should be spent Plan A'ing your butt off. Make your improvements and demonstrate your improvements, fill all ENs he will let you, and avoid love busters like the plague. If there's only one thing you can do right - make it the LB avoidance.

WAT

He just called me from Maine. Turns out he is staying at OW's parents camp house that is nearby!!!! He is such a scheming pr*ck! No one is there right now, but isn't that so convenient for him? I cannot take all of these lies! He says he has had it planned for weeks to stay there. No wonder we didn't go to where he was going to tentcamp...he wasn't planning on it!

This is exactly what I was afraid of! I absolutely cannot and will not move my entire family and leave my support system to follow him on his f*cked up journey to nowhere!

How much is enough in this freaking ride?

I really want to just up and leave before school starts, get to my parents, establish residency in Pennsylvania (6 months) and divorce him. What a hopeless, selfish jerk!!

bump

bump me up Scotty....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by What AmIDoing?:
<strong> He just called me from Maine. Turns out he is staying at OW's parents camp house that is nearby!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He volunteered this info? What was his tone, defiance or confusion?

What does he want/ask you to do?

Perhaps Plan B is in store. You can go to Plan D at any time you choose. Either way, please consider retaining an attorney who can set you up to protect you and your children.

WAT

His tone was a little bit of both. He is a VERY gifted rationalizer and now liar extraordinaire. He actually said he had it planned for awhile to stay there. Oh, the pain of this is too much. He has no respect for anyone in this world, including himself. I am always finding out stuff like this.

I've thought lately about Plan B...P***** sounds better, to tell you the truth, at this point. I've almost had it. I was willing to see what happened with a new job, etc., but I can see the writing on the wall...all new state to be sneaky and dishonest in, with his family 250 miles away and out of his hair.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

So, WH calls from Maine today.

I asked him more about where he is staying. The OW's parents have a camp plus a camper, so he is staying in the camper. It was always a last resort option I guess. I said, she won't see you, but her parents are letting you stay there? He said, well, some people actually like me, you know (It took herculean effort not to LAUGH right then and there!). With no money right now, what other choice does he have? I knew he would say this. I think I'm getting the hang of this fogbabble crap!

The drive to work is 2 hours from this camp. He mentioned looking for something closer, so of course I support that. He said I'd get more money than child support. TO D or not to D, that is the question.

We talked about some eBay auctions that he has sold (I guess I'm expected to help with shipping, even though I was not really asked, nor will I receive a word of thanks), that he is sick this week with a cold, and that a fellow employee is moving and will be selling her house.

He'll be home this weekend.

I am so torn about moving there.

Just bumping along

I'm sorry and I wish I could understand or offer you some words of comfort. I can't, I can't even find any for myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm with you in spirit and I'm feeling your pain. There's someone out there that knows how you feel. The OW broke it off with mine permanently yesterday so now of course he doesn't know what he wants anymore and I'm just a "friend" to him now. What a crock of s--t. I'm thinking about Plan B too. I'm wondering if your husband and mine don't get off on the pain that they inflict on us, at least a little. Maybe it gives their egos a rush to see the hurt, pain and disappointment they're causing. It makes them realize that no matter how much s--t they dish out, we'll keep on taking it and acting like we still love them and have to have them. I'm to that point with mine too. I wish & hope like h--l that we could find a way to work it out and get our family life back together, but he's so wishy washy - she told him it's over so now he's all melodramatic that he's lost everything. Ok he lost a w--re that has slept with at least 7 people in the last 2 years that I know of personally but he could have kept his faithful wife, 3 children, boat, truck, house, etc... and he wants to whine because he lost it all. They haven't lost anything and we should stop giving them everything. Chin up, and wait til he sees you with someone else. I can guarantee you that will eat him up. He's like my piece of s--t, they think we'll take it forever and always take them back. Maybe it's a cold comfort, but at some point we'll get to see them really hit rock bottom when they get sick of not having us catering to them or being able to take them back. Take care of yourself. Goodluck. And thanks for helping me out the other day too.

So here I am waiting here at home with a stone in my throat, waiting like the good ol' days.

I talked with WH (aka Fogman) at 1:30 PM, he was heading home for the weekend after his first week at new job in Maine. He said where he was, so I'm like, ok, I'll see you in about 6 hours, right? He said, I'll see you when I get home. I hope his freaking car crashes...

I was so peaceful all week, knowing he wasn't coming home. The kids and I had a good week alone. Even bedtimes were much easier than I feared. Even though Fogman was staying at her parents camp.

He was sick as a dog all week with a wicked sinus infection. Great, now he'll be an absolute grump. I already called to get him a dr. appt for Saturday. I'm a nurse so now I'll have to take care of his sorry a$$ all weekend. No break from kids, I can predict, for me.

I'd like to tell him to just not bother coming home on weekends if he is going to stop at OW's on the way home (which DUH I'm sure he's doing right now as I type this).

I'm already sick of running his errands and making his phone calls for him and checking his eBay auctions, etc., etc. This is only one week into this new job in Maine. The thought of moving there is making me sick.

Why am I hanging around for this dirtbag? I am clinging to this hope that he and OW will lose interest due to not seeing each other every waking moment. She has told him she won't see him, yet I know he calls her every day.

Every single person in my life has told me to get rid of him. You guys are my only hope. I am losing the love pretty fast. Maybe Plan B for me, or better yet, Plan D? He makes me feel like dirt every time I talk to him. Even my oldest son was happy that he would be gone during the week.

I can feel LB's coming on...it does NOT take 9 hours to do a 6 hour trip, Fogman!

So, Fogman did not grace us with his presence until 7:30 AM today. I didn't really sleep. I was actually praying that he was in a car wreck, so that we can just get rid of his sorry a$$.

He got into town at 12:00 midnight. He was sleeping and didn't come home. Guess where he was? Do I even need to answer that question?

OW drove him home. Some babbling about his car.

OW was at the Maine camp all week where he was staying. Oooops, he didn't tell me anything about that.

So, I am about ready to burst. I will not move to Maine unless he is rid of that b@tch. He is asking me about looking for a job and house there. "No way I am moving and dealing with this crap, too."

I asked him the deal with OW. He really likes her. He doesn't want a D (today, that is), and doesn't know what is going to happen. He says he knows it will work out. WHAT THE F*UCK, FOGMAN??!

So, now I'll have a knot in my stomach all weekend, which will go away as soon as he leaves...I will try not to LB, but I need to make it perfectly clear how much I am hurting. He is the king of rationalization and minimalization. He blames me, of course...blahblahblah...things are obviously not any closer to ending.

If you have done a good plan A maybe it is time. Can you stick to it? And not waffle...

I just read through your thread and he is even ticking me off. How about a good dose of reality for the ignorant, selfcentered fogman?

What is it with these jack*ss's? You have babies at home and you have to deal with this. What a crock of crap.

Yep, he's a real winner all right. I have been doing a decent Plan A since May. Definite progress, but he is latched onto OW like a leech. This sucks!