You really have your hands full, with 2 boys, a baby girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and............FOGMAN.

Does he make more money in Maine? Or is going to Maine just part of his fog?

I believe that he and OW won't stay together. So if you really like where you live now, it's probably better to stay where you are. That is if you can manage for awhile by yourself.

You'll have to decide, but sometimes doing nothing is the best answer.

He'll be making more money, but he needs the extra to live there...so, right now, it's pretty foggy there.

I have already figured that I will stay about a month and see what happens. Maybe the job won't work out, who knows?? Cheaters never prosper, as the saying goes. I would LOVE to tell his new boss that his star hire is an adulterer with another married woman.

He's reading over my shoulder a little bit, but doesn't really want to share much... He of course thinks that it's none of anyone's business, doesn't want to be judged, etc. FOG FOG FOG FOG

So, WH just registered and is examining all of my posts. I don't know if he will actually post or not. He is pissed and feels like my "story" didn't cover everything that was going on before the A. My story is similar to us all. M in the crapper, severe stress directly before the A, me the b*tchy controlling one, etc.

This day is gonna suck, I can see it coming. I must not LB, I must not LB, I must not LB.

I just want the A to end. I'm tired.

Oops! I just posted under my WH's name. I bet that happens a lot to RAP and NCW. LOL!

Tell hubby welcome to marriagebuilders. If he will read and post here, you can have a much better marriage than before. And most people that come here don't want the marriage they had before.

He might be more comfortable posting on some of the WS threads - RAP, KiwiJ, Broken Vessel, Chackler.

And of course we know that he has his side of the story. But your precious children will be better off if you stay together. And you can have a better marriage than before. There is lots of hope.

Well here I am.

WAID is typing since my first post got locked out. (It was really long too)

I never meant for this to happen. I never intended to start another relationship while my marriage was failing. She is someone who I got to know before anything happened. She had already left her husband. I was planning on leaving my wife. She is a nice girl.

I had been feeling like our marriage was in trouble before the pregnancy, which made it even worse. I always felt substandard and belittled. Nothing I would say or do was the right thing. I couldn't live with the pain any more, and it got worse in February. I planned to leave, especially when my wife threatened to kill me and kill herself in April. There was an immediate pressure release when I did. The distance helped us feel better.

The OW makes me feel better, too. Even before we were intimate. My wife will tell you I have never been with anyone else, I always wondered what it would be like. I didn't think that anyone would ever want me. Now both of them do. I can't live with my wife.

I love my wife and my children. Let's face it, she'll get custody and run to her parents 6 hours away. I work another 6 hours away in the other direction.

I would like to cut off all of the BS and move on. With or without my family.

WH -

I hope you will read here a little. I think you would find it helpful. The idea of marriage builders is to have a better marriage than before the affair.

And I am sure that you didn't set out to have an affair. I have read too many stories here from the WS. Usually it starts as a friendship and goes on from there.

I am sure that OW is nice. However she is not behaving nicely by taking a father away from his children and wife.

Now your wife is supposed to be changing and trying to meet your needs. Have you noticed any changes?

I just thought of something else. I hope you are using protection. Check out the pregnancy board. It is very common for the other woman to get pregnant to try to hold onto the WH.

We even have a doctor here whose OW got pregnant, and now he is back with his wife, looking at 18 years of child support.

WH is outside hanging out with the 3-yr-old. Why do I have a rock in my stomach while he is here? He scares me with his alternating "D" and "moving to Maine" talk. I won't move until we are sure on recovery. He says he can't just turn off his feelings (except when it comes to me, apparently!). I'm trying to get him posting some. He will be home every (?) weekend.

Alright girl - you gotta go have some fun with your family. I know, I know, this is all so miserable. But sounds like he needs a little admiration. That and sex is the big emotional need for most men. So get going!

WH, I have never before posted to your lovely wife. But... your words are so typical wandering spouse fog-ease I have to respond.
1. You say, 'I never meant to hurt my wife.' I say bull-shyte. You know what your actions and words are doing and just don't care at this time because you think you need your 'fix'. OW.
2. 'She's a nice girl' No, buddy. Sorry. Nice girls do NOT sleep with other womens husbands. Nice girls have more self-respect and self-esteem and do not accept such treatment of themselves. And have a concience regarding how they treat other human beings. Regardless of her words she doesn't give a rip about your wife and those precious babies who are left fatherless (Except the stray week-ends) if you divorce.
Nobody can make you feel worthless. YOU are the only one who can control how you feel. Happiness is found from within and it is NOT you wifes job to MAKE you happy.
It is ludicrous in the extreme to say I never meant this to happen. We all have free choice. And the choice of a responsible adult is to just say, Hey this is innaproprate. I love my wife and children to much to hurt them this way.

Cherise

WH read your post and proceeded deeper into the fog, in fact he almost disappeared (literally). He doesn't believe you in other words. LOL. This too shall pass...

Sorry, my dear. maybe it has him thinking I hope. There can be life after an affair. A good life! For both of you, and the kiddos. I know. I'm living it now. But, for some reason your situ hit me deeply, and although I mostly only lurk occasionally, We have come so beyond this now, I had to post. the darn fog-ease was so thick. I will pray your DH can find his way through it. For his sake and yours and your babies. Take care of yourself, and my deepest prayers and hopes are with you and yours. My most especial prayers will be for him to find happiness within himself. Because that is the only place he can truly find it.

If fogman can keep reading here, especially the post from Cherese and others who cut to the chase like her (pep, ark, orchid, JL, wat, believer, Mel, O) he just might be okay.

Can you keep him here? Maybe get him to post, and if not then keep him reading here.

Thinking of you,

Weaver

Dear What ~

I havent been on these boards in months, but this morning I poked my head in and I just had to reply to you.

Absolutely do not leave your support system while your husband is making these choices.

Plan A does not mean saving your husband from the consequences of his behavior. One of the consequences is that his wife and children are not willing to make the sacrifices involved in a move like this.

You can leave the front door wide open for him to visit. When you see him do your best plan A. But if he asks you to move up there, you can be direct and honest and tell him that you are uncomfortable moving away from your support system while your marriage is shakey - that you need the help of family to care for kids, and you need your job which you are already established in.

You don't have to divorce him to sell the house and move in the with the parents. It will be easier to move to plan B that way too. There's no way you are going to be able to Plan B in a new state with no one else but him for help. Take care of yourself and your family, and let him do whatever he is going to do.

It's going to take a while for him to go through all the stages and do all the stupid stuff that he's going to do. Take care to minimize the impact on you and your kids - believe me, recovery will be easier if you dont set yourself up for more damage, hurt and pain than you absolutely have to go through.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</small>

Thanks girls for your input!

I am coming to the conclusion that selling the house and heading for parents is the way to go. I'm a little miffed that my life is at this point right now all over selfish behavior, so he can "feel better".

The amount of work involved in moving is staggering...WH is a serious junk collector with all kinds of stuff in the barn, garage and basement! I'll have to get a storage place near my parents, I think. I have friends and family to help, but there's 10 years of stuff here! I'm afraid this A will taint any good memories I have of this place. SIGH....

I really appreciate the words from Bramble Rose regarding recovery. Yeah, if he can ever get rid of her...He doesn't want a D, wants me to stay in Vermont at his beck and call. I cannot picture myself where you are at all at this point. Love bank getting awfully low. In fact, the only time a large deposit is made is with SF, which we can't seem to stop doing despite all of this. It is the only time when he is around that I don't feel sick.

He told me last night that OW is trying to get into college for (get this) child psychology. What a joke, since her own daughter is so screwed up and she always leaves her with her parents. Nice example, sl*t! Anyway, the college is in (you guessed it ladies and gentlemen) Maine. What a coincidence. Just another really good reason to get-the-[censored]-out-soon.

I asked him if OW knows that we are having SF again, and he says he lies to her about it. Oh, Fogman, you are really getting to the brink, aren't you. Lie to me, lie to her, all for the thrill of the A. Disgusting.

He just left to go back, and I feel better already. He wants me to schlep the kids up there next weekend to go camping. Hmmmm, maybe, maybe not. "We'll see" (his favorite line)

Cherise spoke the truth, of course, and WH reacted as predicted - the usual denial mentality and inability to objectively anaylze the situation.

He will not be swayed ntil he's ready to look in the mirror.

WH - I won't try to convince you that what you're doing is totally boneheaded.

So read on.

Your wife, following your decisions and actions with the "good girl", may have gotten the biggest wake up call of her life. She now recognizes her part in the poor state of your marriage in the past and has embarked on a process to learn how to make a really good marriage. At the moment, she would prefer to do this with you.

You've got everything to gain and nothing to lose by at least reading on this site and learning how your marriage can become better than your wildest dreams, and seeing how your relationship with "good girl" prevents you from giving your family your best effort.

If you don't even try this, you're essentially throwing away a family that loves you. Take it from a man who lost a child - you will not appreciate what you had until you're threatened with its loss. And even then, until the loss actually happens, you will not fathom the degree of it.

If "good girl" is such a prize, she will certainly wait for you to give your family a chance. Afterall, she probably wants her own family with you. If she pressures you or gets upset that you decide that your family deserves at least a chance, what does this tell you? It means she's only thinking of herself.

I'd be glad to communicate with you more about this. Just give me a try.

Thanks WAT

No computer access for Fogman during the week, but I will relay your post and fish for a response. MB is becoming an LB for him. I'm not about to give it up, though. I did not make him register, so that in itself is something. All I did was find a WS thread for him to read, and the next thing you know, he signs up! Of course, he doesn't want to hear anyone's opinions right now...

Hi again. Well at least he did do some reading here. Maybe he will think about all he is losing. I really don't see this A lasting more than 6 more months. I hate to see you sell your place and move far away.


But you are the only one that can make that decision.

I know that selling seems extreme, now that I have calmed down from his visit, but he's in Maine maybe for good. We can't afford two households period. I don't want to relocate to Maine if there is any chance of OW contact (which there is). I will not play the sneaking, lying, don't-want-to-be-married-don't-want-a-D crap any longer.

I cannot picture this going on much longer. Plan A has been 3 months already. He's a fool.

The real estate market is good right now, as long as interest rates are low, so I'm outta here. I guess I'm being an absolute child by saying "I want my mommy!"

I believe that children should be raised by their 2 parents, but he cannot be trusted right now. I can always move up there and join him if he shapes up, although that will take a helluva leap of faith for me. Maybe when the fog lifts, he will come around. I KNOW this A will not last, HE knows the A will not last...why must he cling?? It's pathetic.