My story so far:

37 yr old BH twice married, three times betrayed, four times a father, one OC on the way.

*edit*
Miscarriage of OC at 12 weeks.
*end edit*

First marriage: 87-89, no children. Ended after her affair with a fast talking nobody. I wanted to forgive her and make it work, she didn’t. I was destroyed. I left the Air Force a year before my tour was up to be at home near family and away from drinking buddies.

Second marriage: 91-now, 4 boys: 12, 9, 6, 2. WW-34 yrs old

First affair: Sometime in 96 she had EA with an old HS friend. I was working too much; he had time for her etc. I found out before PA could happen and told him to back off until she made a decision.
We worked it out.

God has put me through things or allowed things to happen to me for a purpose. I know this. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. (or insert your favorite cliché here)

Second affair: July 3, 2004. My wife seemed a little down when I got home. She had mentioned that her period was late a week ago. (We use the rhythm method and I wasn’t too worried after I looked at her personal calendar) She went to lie down since I could watch the boys. (they can be a handful) I gave her a few minutes to relax then went to check on her. I laid beside her stroking her face and hair and her quiet crying turned to sobbing. I didn’t say anything, just tried to comfort her. There was a voice, louder than a thought, but less than a whisper that said: “There is another man and she is pregnant.” It shocked me for a second, then I was left with a great feeling of protecting and comforting my beloved wife. She finally blurted out that she had done something awful and didn’t deserve me and there was an affair and she may be pregnant as a result. All I could say was “I know”. She still doesn’t understand that.

The past week has not been fun. My beer intake is a little elevated. I may not be a shining example of a “Christian” man, but I am definitely a believer and try to be obedient to Him when I think I hear or sense the thing to do. It is clear to me that I am to love my wife and this child and care for both of them. It may not be easy, but it is clear to me. She still thinks she may not want to raise a bouncing little constant reminder of her indiscretion.

She has the right attitude for us to heal and go on. This week we have been closer than ever. She will tell me anything I want to know. It was a few months of EA with 2 meetings in the PA. Having been through this before myself, there are details I don’t want to know and, with 20/20 hindsight, I was an idiot for not seeing through the girls night out lie. (married women have no need to be there with 20 something co-workers anyway) She has cut off almost all contact with OM. (they work together and have to communicate some) If she doesn’t transfer soon she will quit.

I blew off work last week to try to have a confrontation with OM. I didn’t intend on kicking his butt, but I did want him to know my wife is married to a MAN. One who is man enough to face the lover, square off with him, look him in the eyes and tell him to: “Back off. (or something-off) I will take over now, best for you to assume the abortion you suggested, took place. Don’t bug either of us again!” The first time I drove by his house, I spotted the truck my wife described to me. I didn’t want to do this without a witness on my side; I still don’t know anything about this creep. My witness is a good friend that would stand out of earshot and not jump in unless either of us became combative. (yes me included) I don’t know what this guy does during the week, but I couldn’t catch him at home ever. The weekend caught me with no meeting OM. OM and WW work grave and swing on weekends.

I told my wife that this must mean it’s up to her to let OM know where we stand as a couple. (it may mean more coming from her anyway) Fri. nite (or Sat am) He called her after his shift ended. She told me she handled him well, except the conversation went longer than she intended. It was supposed to be the final my-husband-knows-and-you’re-out-of-the-picture-for-good talk (verbal NC letter?). He acted like it would be a shame if the OC never knew him. I like that option. He was fine with a 2 am booty call with a married woman, now he has a conscience?

Sounds like I’ve got a handle on this thing, right? Here’s what’s buggin me: I feel a need to confront OM and speak my piece. My wife doesn’t want me to rock his boat right now in case it makes him feel competitive. If he stays away, there’s less chance of him challenging paternity. (right, so he can pay us CS?) I feel like if I don’t stand up to him, I’ve lost more manhood.

Also, there’s still the pain of being betrayed, and the mental images. I’ve gotten over these before, they still hurt.

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Painter ]</small>

Dude. YIKES. I am so sorry. You are a good man. I hope your wife sees how lucky she is to have a man in her life willing to stand by her in all of this.

And I do believe you heard something from God that you needed to hear, maybe as a means to prepare yourself, if even just a few seconds warning, before your WW dropped the bomb. God led me to the truth too...I was echoing SO LOUD in my mind, one night at 3am, that I laid there cryingand praying, and telling satan to go away, and praying if it was God, to make the voice louder and louder and louder. He kept telling me to go check WH's email account. I laid there and prayed on it for over 45 minutes, and finally felt so led to go and check it. And I was able to get right in (told the system that I forgot the password, so it gave me the "Secret question" which was, "What is the name of your dog?" I could not believe that it was the name of our dog, so I just typed it in, thinking, if it is not God's will, it will not worlk. Well, sure enough, it was the answer, and I fell into pages and pages of love letters, detailing all the promises, all the physical moments, all of it, right there.

Anyway, a couple of things.

1.) You cannot ignore that this is a repeat offense. That is a problem. And maybe the last one was only EA, but you yourself mentioned that it could have been PA. You need to do some serious evaluation of why????? I encourage you to do the EA questionaire, and figure out really quick what contribution you have made to this situation. And I obviously SERIOUSLY recommend some hard core counseling for you and your wife. This had got to be the last time!!!!

2.) I can totally relate to your need to talk to the OM. I don't know if I can impart wisdom on this one. I confronted the OW, albeit only via phone, twice. And both times, I did say my peace, but it garnered nothing. In fact, it really only helped to make them more fiercely justified. In other words, but challenging them, and trying to impart some wisdom, it only made them fight to justify their "reasons" for this affair more fiercely. They were bopth so fogbound, my logic wasn't permeating their thick skulls. I was SOOOOO respectful to the other woman. I calmly explained to her the love and awe I still had for my husband, how my children would suffer, how the circumstances in their relationship were impossible (she lives in India), and how my God would forbid this relationship, and they could NEVER hope to have His blessing (I am a Christian too, and she is Hindu).

It did nothing. And I will say this, some of the stupid, insensitive, horrifying things she said, STILL echo in my head. Seriously, when I think back on all the things said on or near d-day, it is her comments, not my husbands, that still sting. My love for my husband is dead now, and unlike your wife, he still has not snapped out of it. And when I think back on all the pain he heaped out, it still does not compare to the really scarring things she said to me. And as I said, it was a calm, respectful, two women crying on the phone about their love for this man, conversation. All it brought was pain.

So do I regret calling her? I don't know. I still know I would have wanted the opportunity to TRY and say my peace. TRY and appeal to what is right. And Matthew 18, or maybe chapter 8, I think it is, tells us how to deal with someone who has hurt you. And they say you are to confront them in love first, and then, if they don't listen, bring a few select Christian friends, and confront them again. And if they don't listen, seek out the leadership in the church and confront again. After that, you are supposed to walk away, and let God deal with them, unless they finally come to you for forgiveness. I just think it was something I had to do.

Good luck. Pray this one through. Obviously you have a connection with God. Seek His wisdom in this. Best place to go is the Bible. And trusted Christian friends who you know have a solid understanding of the Bible.

Wow, you are a good man. A real man. Your wife needs to write a no contact letter to him. Then you mail it. It should say that she loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and he should not contact her for any reason.

Then you should mail it to him. Also she should not be working with him. Does he have a wife?

Check in there on the pregnancy forum, they know all the ins and outs of this stuff.

SerendipiT:

During the last week of talking and praying together I spotted a pattern to W’s behavior and told her about it. It seems to come in a 6 yr cycle, and I’ve been around to see it 3 times. (the first was with her last boyfriend before we were married)

That aside, my part in this has everything to do with showing physical affection to her. That’s her “Love Language”. A few years into our marriage, we started playing a stupid game of “I started it last time” and we could go weeks waiting for the other to start foreplay. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the point of that was. She is an incredible lover! And she thinks the same of me. I think we’ve worked that out. I don’t think I’ll let her down that way anymore. And she’s determined not to stray from me again.

Believer:

OM is single. She won’t be working near him for long. She is looking to transfer to another floor or quit in order to facilitate finishing Nurse training.

The phone conversation she had with OM Sat am went like the letter you suggested. Is there some significance to having it in writing also? If not I think we covered it.

Y'all can read her side of this in the pregnancy forum titled "Messed up big"

Thanx to both of you.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Painter ]</small>

I think it is more significant in writing. Just seems more permanent, more legalistic. There it is in black and white, no room for gray, no room for misinterpretation.

Glad to hear you are sorting through some of the issues in your marriage. Additionally, I would encourage you to complete the emotional needs questionaire on the site here. I don't think it is that easy. Maybe there are a few other things you might be missing the mark on. If not, good for you. But why not have a clearer picture of this, and know for certain YOU HAVE ELIMINATED the issues in your marriage.

Thanx, we will. (It is a we thing, right?)

I'll find it.

Is it bad form to bump a topic?

Painter - No it is not bad form to bump your own thread. Look at all of my posts, sometimes I even talk to myself!

Dang!

I can't concentrate on work. I am obsessing over finding OM to let him know what I think of him. I can't think of anything to say that would move a creep like him. I'd just waste words....

I still don't know what he looks like. I could be perfectly nice to him at a store somewhere and not even know......

^

^

Anyone else at WW's work that would know, that you know?

Naw, It's just our secret. The two of them could loose their jobs over such an indiscression.

Painter - Forget talking to OM - he is not a real man. He has run away.

Since I have been posting to you, I have had second thoughts about ever wanting to reconcile with my WH. He is not a real man either. He took the easy way out.

Oh wow! CAREFUL! Don't use me for a measuring stick! I'm just a beat-up guy trying to survive this crap the best he can. Look at the other side of me and you might not call me a real man.

I appreciate the compliment but I have my problems too.

Why did 2 out of 2 women feel the need to seek out other men while with me? Cause I'm a real man? I think we are all flawed and just plain lucky if the woman we'er with is patient at the right times and we get a clue and take care of them the other times. At least that sounds like me, and its not been working well so far.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Painter ]</small>

Wow I'm having a lousy day!

When I feel strong, I can support my WW and we both feel good, but if I'm down, she won't reach out to me. She is feeling lots of guilt over what shes done to hurt me. I can ask for a hug and get it. Why wont she or when will she get it? She loves when I sense her needs and fill them. Damn, its not that hard. I just need an unsolicited hug.

.....

Painter,

This is your W. Will hug you and squeeze you and call you George when you get home from work. Was unaware that you were having a rough day. You are right, I don't feel like I deserve to love on you. Will work on it!

Hmm... forgot that she might read that....

works for me though....

Gee Painter, that was easy.

Serendipit and believer...all of us confronted the OW...even me!!

So hell with it...YOU should go and confront the OM if you feel like it.

I still think it is something all BS must do...sort of a closure...a healing...something...or else we will always go on wondering....

YES YES YES...confronting DOES not work in ending the affair...but it is still good knowing that you know who the opponent.

I do not regret confronting the OW...i am GLAD i did even if it did not end the affair...at least i know that the OW was NOTHING compared to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />