Hello,

Called my H a deadbeat father and husband in response to some other usual criticsm that just came at a time when my D was throwing a small tantrum...I haven't spoken to him like this in a very long time and I'm not defending myself. In fact, I don't feel remorse which is I guess,how he feels most of the time.

Problem...he called my IL's to rant and rave about the way in which I talked to him. Told them to take our wedding picture down...because it's over, OVER, he yelled and that he wanted everyone to move ON...

Okay...rewind to last Sunday where my IL's had invited me to lunch with D after church. H didn't know because I don't tell him these things. He found out last Monday...OOPS, throught D.

So, I guess he was feeling a little betrayed. Hmmmm...can't IMAGINE how that would feel.

So, fast forward to last Tuesday AFTER his tantrum with my IL's. They were not impressed wiht me and they both were somewhat cold...

Okay. I did not defend myself nor did I quesstion their behaviour. H should have never bothered them with all of this.

Fast forward to Tuesday night...my neice slept over (my SIL's D). I called H to ask him to leave his parents out of it. His dad has a heart condition and my MIL has a heart murmur. His response? I never had a real family of my own...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...my family hates each other, hates me and I know nothing about love. His family? I'm luck to have them as IL's. And of course, the only relationship I can have with my IL's is one he allows...

wow...

Okay, I didn't respond. Just asked him to stop this. His response? I have no one talk to except for them...I needed to talk to someone? How could you call me a deadbeat dad? My H, close to tears...

I replied, Unfortunately, you're not what I thought you would be...and I just can't pretend ALL the time.

His reply, Can I come over? Maybe you need me right now.

My reply, Yeah sure...I'll call you back when the kids go to bed.

Promise? Sure...

Wrong.

Fast forward to Friday...call my MIL to tell her that I love her and that it's not about them. Her response? Please, be peaceful. Be friends. Call him when you need him or else he'll go to jail.

Sure, Ma.

Wrong.

Terrific...there is nothing to save anymore. Nothing to stand for anymore...he clearly wants nothing to do with me and is convinced that this is over.

So...I just continue to pray that, in the end, my D will be okay.

Terr..

explain this again so I understand...

you call him a deadbeat dad... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (if the shoe... the pants the shirt and tightywhities fit...wear em...eh)

anywho you call him deadbeat dad in response to him berating you...

he calls his mommy crying booo hooo meany terr called me a name.....tantrum....(is this where daughter gets it?)...

sooo
you call him tuesday to TALK!!!!! (much ado about nothing though)...

and he slams you with stuff about your family..which you KNOW is BS and all you hear is blah blah blah blah...same-ole same-ole...

and here is where it gets cryptic....

tell me what happened right HERE!!!!!!

His reply, Can I come over? Maybe you need me right now.

My reply, Yeah sure...I'll call you back when the kids go to bed.

did you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU CALL HIM BACK AND DID HE COME OVER????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am literally dieing here ...
did he come over...

why NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did he proposition you and you denied him....?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am really confused


and then later mil says...

Call him when you need him or else he'll go to jail.

tell me what that means..
why would he go to jail???

do you people always speak in cryptic speak... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
or am i dumb dumb dumb..

he's sad you called him a deadbeat
he propositions you...
and you conclude from that
.... there is nothing to save anymore. Nothing to stand for anymore...he clearly wants nothing to do with me and is convinced that this is over.

that's the conclusion you get to...

tell me the truth..
are you all smoking crack?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

please esplain lucy....

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARK
ps just post his phone number once...just one time...I won't call him too often.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ARK

Terri,
When he's confronted by the truth, ie that is a deadbeat dad, he bullies you.

This isn't new, this is who he has been for a long time.

Honesty isn't in the lovebuster category and there really are only so many words that fit what he is, deadbeat dad is pretty mild, considering the alternatives.

But yet, the divorce he threatens you with, never progresses, you don't receive any notice from his lawyer.

Like Ark, I'm wondering why he'd go to jail because you don't call him when you need him?

Why doesn't your MIL just tell him to start being a good father, paying some child support and stop playing his stupid games--both the mental ones and the sports. I suppose in her world that wouldn't be "friendly".

I don't see that it is any more over than before. He cried, perhaps a little reality slipped through the cracks of his personality.

Your daughter has you, and she will always have you, you are her security, you are her home and you are always there for her.

double

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

triple

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

Terr...I'm glad to see you.....haven't seen you post in a while.

You know how mad your H makes me right? I thought I'd go out and look for a 2x4 for him....but I haven't ever seen one I thought was big enough to cut through all the crap in your H's head.

Before anyone knew anything you weren't allowed to talk to anyone about the situation...he didn't want anyone to know anything....especially that he had moved out.

Now...he's the one running to mommy when you say something mean to him. Sucks to be him huh? Maybe he should consider your feelings about all the things he has said to you, but no no no....it's all about HIM.

Truth hurts somtimes. I called my H ALOT worse...and meant it.

He keeps pulling your strings. Everytime you say something he doesn't agree with he threatens divorce...so where are the papers?

Maybe your response to him when he said "Maybe you need me right now" should have been. "What would I need you for? You haven't been available for ME in a long time, besides you are the one that forced me to NOT depend on you."

I'm also confused as to why he would go to jail if you didn't call him when you needed him?

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

WELL YOUNG LADY...

I am waiting.....

ARK..do we need to post bail for him yet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Terri,
Come talk to us, please?

Maybe WS needs some cooling down jail time. Out in CA the jails are kinda full....gotta buy personal supplies at the prison store. Cost a few bucks. You can't bring you own stuff in. What a monopoly.

Some call it a country club. After all they get to read the paper all day and even some TV time.

Then the Ws could use some dental work..... to wire his hurtful mouth shut. There is another more drastic step. May post later if this takes another stupid turn.

U take care missy, ya hear? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz.

Hello all...took me awhile to reply but many thank-you's for continuing to care like you do....

It's my D's 5th b-day weekend coming up and due to my H's outburst, the family/friends party has been split down the middle so to speak. I've been trying to decide how to do this...but in any case, I'm throwing a "kid" princess party on Saturday and a family/friends party on Sunday. At first, my IL's were all coming. Now, no IL's are attending. My sister made it clear she would not attend Sunday if ANY IL's were there. Just one big emotional mess SO...I'm having it anyway and whomever shows is fine with me.

More of the latest...I believe I had mentioned that H had talked about taking D to a cottage with a couple that has two young boys slighly older than D. Well, I have nothing against the couple but everything against H taking her for 7 days which includes the fact that D has NEVER slept with HIM anywhere for the last three years and that H has never taken her anywhere for any length of time greater than several hours. H has no patience and I'm not sure it would be healthy for D or anyone else. Seven days is way too long and if H had approached me with any dignity instead of his assuming air of arrogance, perhaps, I would have responded quite differently. He doesn't even have a legal agreement that says he can do this...why do I have to say yes?

Fast forward to tonight...my annual lunch with grandparents on D's birthday was scheduled for tomorrow. Called my IL's to talk to them about place and time and of course, my DARLING H had exploded to them about me saying no to the cottage thing. Why, my MIL says, why can't you just say yes and keep it peaceful. Now, look at what you've done...wow...I think. H is really trying to sabotage but hey, I don't have to defend myself.

And I know you probably disagree with my saying No but I'm sick and tired of submissiveness. WHY DO I have to say yes when I don't want to???

Ark, Just so that you know, I love you back big time...this post still makes me smile and tonight, I need alot of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">did he proposition you and you denied him....????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Ark, I denied him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> tell me what that means..
why would he go to jail??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H would go to jail for hurting me...or someone due to his extreme anger that I pushed him to of course...again, this is all my fault.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and you conclude from that
.... there is nothing to save anymore. Nothing to stand for anymore...he clearly wants nothing to do with me and is convinced that this is over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely and still...yes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">are you all smoking crack?????? /QUOTE]

I know I'm not...LOL.

Lor, love you too...

[QUOTE] Why doesn't your MIL just tell him to start being a good father, paying some child support and stop playing his stupid games--both the mental ones and the sports. I suppose in her world that wouldn't be "friendly".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My MIL has always been one to make things better...she doesn't like confrontation. Just speak when you are spoken to..."if he said that, you must have said something first..." That is her way of thinking or least believing things are...

Hi Miss Priss, Nice of you to reply...you remember facts very well about what seems to be my never-ending saga.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now...he's the one running to mommy when you say something mean to him. Sucks to be him huh? Maybe he should consider your feelings about all the things he has said to you, but no no no....it's all about HIM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah...although everyone, in theory agrees, that everything should be about D and her needs.

I just don't know anymore...need any advice you can give to get through this.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

he propositioned you and you denied him....?

Yes Ark, I denied him.

he clearly wants nothing to do with me and is convinced that this is over.

Absolutely and still...yes.

So terr...while his verbal assaults are dumb, and horrific and his tattle-tailing is pathetic....

in the midst of all this he still propositions you....

and you come through all of this...
feeling nothing...

do you think it is really YOU who is done..
for REAL
done with the mess and chaos....

ready to let go yet...cause you sure are strong in your actions of letting go...

time to file???
cause it sounds like filing is begining to look a lot more attractive and less wearisome than dealing with him and his family...(not to diminish the love you and they share)...


ARK

Oh Ark...I'm TIRED.

He's sabotaging the relationship I have with his parents, attempts to split everyone up for D's birthday...wants to make sure his family is on HIS side...after all these years, come on...

Am I ready to file? No.

Am I strong? No.

But I need to stand my ground.

I have done nothing to deserve this treatment from anyone but it is only me that feels bad.

terr----im with you. dont let her go unless you are comfortable with the sitch or a court makes you. i did allow a same type visit when my oldest was very young.....boy was it a disaster. i would still go back and do whatever to change it.

stand strong and do what you believe is right...the he// with anyone who disagrees.

why aren't you ready to file..

what are you holding on to??

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Am I ready to file? No.

Am I strong? No </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri,

I have a feeling that you would be ready and strong enough to file if he were to take your DD and NOT return her to you. As it stands right now, there are no legal papers protecting your daughter...nor you as her mother. He could leave with her...go to another country...and not return until YOU then filed and waited it out. Is that what you want? At least you would have some immediate legal recourse if you filed and had it a matter of record that your daughter is in YOUR custody.

It sounds like his mother suspects that he could physically harm you if he is not given his way. Is that the type of man you want as a husband? You want to send your DD off with a man like that??

I would say NO to overnights with him...I would say NO to him removing her from her home until he came back with a court sanctioned piece of paper laying out the "RULES" of parenting that he MUST obey. As it stands right now he has as much right to your DD as you do...and he could walk right in, scoop her up and take off. Who could stop him? Your DD is his next object (in his eyes) to use against you.

Please...Please..if nothing else, get custody papers in order.

JMHO
committed

Terrified???? - Are you going to still be doing this five years from now??? You say there is nothing left?? You say that he is making your live miserable??? Cut him loose - get everything on paper that way no one can be mad at you - because you will be following the legal agreement... Really how much more can you take?? You are going to blamed for everything forever... Nothing you can say or do is gonna change that... Your daughter is going to be five... Does she deserve to live like this for the next five years or more??? Take a stand for yourself - What are you afraid of?? Him leaving - He is already gone - You said so yourself ?? Really I don't understand why you want to continue to put yourself through this?

I'm holding on hope that this could still change...and I guess giving that up is still so hard.

You're all so right...this can't continue but why so much anger and bitterness. Is this the way it is? The way it will always be with lines drawn down the middle?

So cold...I'm just not that person and am forced to be it.

Committed, Custody papers are definitely in order. I'm a little concerned about that right now.

Maw, I don't want the blame game. Why is it like this?

I CANNOT believe how selfish everyone is being concerning your DD's B-Day party.

I say....tell everyone to suck it up and quit being childish. If someone is there they don't wish to speak to....don't speak to them....but your DD shouldn't pay the price because your sister doesn't want to be there if the IL's are there. I think she's been through enough already and you would think that everyone would take that into consideration.


Now....about your H.

Why aren't you ready to get rid of him?

Look at the way he's acting....the way he's been acting for A LONG time. Do you think that he's ever going to change?

You still hold out hopes for being with a man you couldn't entrust your daughter with because he has no patience?

You still hold out hopes for being with a man that runs to his mommy when you saying something mean to him...although it's the truth?
Actually...I think he does this on purpose knowing that his mother will talk to you about it...knowing that she is the peacekeeping type...and possibly talking you into anything HE suggests.

Talk about manipulation.

I would have said no to 7 days.....but possibly considered 2 or 3 if he was willing to bring her home if she asked. If you remember, my H was the one that wanted to take our youngest daughter with him and leave the other 2 with me. Nope....never happened. Pissed H off BIG TIME....so what.

You hold out hopes for someone that has an extreme anger problem?


You say you aren't strong....well....I say that is a bunch of bull****. You've been going through this for way to long and done a marvelous job to think that. A lesser person would have snapped and actually hit him with a 2x4 by now...or worse.

You're right....you've done NOTHING to deserve this treatment from anyone...and who is the instigator in all this treatment you are receiving from everyone? YOUR H!

Why would you want to be with someone like that?

He hasn't given you any reason to say ANYTHING nice about him for the longest time. He doesn't want to change...he likes who he is. He likes having control of every little thing.

You ARE going to reach the end of your rope soon.
And believe me Terri.....that first breath you take without him....will be the most refreshing breath you will have ever taken in your life.

I hope you get there soon....because you deserve a break from all this madness that your H has created.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Terrified - the Blame Game - well I have been blamed for everything forever - and well I guess you just have to accept that - that is the way it is going to be... Example - my ex we will be divorced two years in September - and he still hasn't figured out how to have a relationship with his daughters - he lies to them about his relationship with the next door neighbor - even as so far as to saying that his car was at her house but he wasn't there... Now come on - they are 11 and 14 and the older daughter saw him get out of the car and go into the house - yet he still denies it... Anyways - the point is - that -it is my fault - I have turned the girls against him because I am so bitter - blah blah blah.. I have been blamed for - the end of my marriage - even though he is clearly the one that cheated and betrayed me.. I have been blamed for everything - and you know what ok.... I have accepted that he has to put the blame on me - because well if he doesn't then who is he gonna blame-- Himself ?? Nope I don't think so - because well then could he really live with himself??? - And as for your inlaws..Well it just comes down to pretty much - they are his parents -not yours - No matter how much they love you - he is their child.... They want peace all around so they can continue to see their granddaughter - it is as simple as that... They don't want to offend him - so in doing that they are probably gonna offend you .... You know what you don't have enough faith in yourself - you are pretty much already divorced and on your own - You just haven't had a judge declare it legal... Yet... Really - you have to start thinking about yourself and not about him anymore... From where I am sitting it is his loss anyways - Take that step - stand up for yourself....

Why, my MIL says, why can't you just say yes and keep it peaceful. Now, look at what you've done

She raised this man, why didn't she do a better job, goodness, look what she's done--raised a spoiled, mean bully who has abandoned his family. Why couldn't she have a peaceful son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Terri, she's just a little off her rocker.

And, you can't change that either. Hearing and knowing her son is a deadbeat dad didn't change anything for her.

You have every right to say no to 7 days for exactly the reasons you state. I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with that.

If he had started having her overnight one night a week, or month even and actually had some concept of your daughter's sleep schedule, maybe. He certainly knew of this gathering far enough in advance, but as usual, didn't do the actual steps to caretaking.

I'd really like to see you do whatever it takes for sole custody. At this point I think you could do well enough without him, but your daughter is your lifeblood. And I think he will use her, because he is a user and a bully.

He could change, but...he isn't doing anything but complain to his mommy.