Tomorrow my WW and I have our first marriage counseling appointment. I don't know how well it will go over, as she still hasn't officially ended her A. She said she was willing to go even though she is still unsure if she wants to work on the marriage.

I figure that I will see how it goes and what her attitude is to decide whether to continue with it or wait until she is actualy ready.

Any thoughts on whether MC can help show her the light to end the A for good, or am I just wasting money until the A ends itself? I want to think that MC can help a little even if the A isn't quite over.

I'm sure someone else here has been through this. What can I expect from our first appointment? Counseler said he had questionnaires for us to fill out and then would meet with us together for the first appointment.

Lost, I have never gone to an MC. Hopefully you have been careful in choosing someone, made sure they favor preserving marriages and understand the psychology of affairs, all that.

I have read that many MCs are hard on the BS for the first few sessions to avoid scaring away the WS. So be ready for that.

GC

OK, I've only been to a few sessions before we stopped going. But I'll share my experience.

Does the MC know that your wife is having an affair? Who set up the appointment?

The MC knew my WW was having the A before we met. During the first meeting she didn't even bring it up at all. In fact she mostly directed her attention towards my wife, letting her tell all the reasons that our marriage didn't work and why it will never work. I talked rarely, listened mostly. Our first meeting was with MC was 3 days after WW's EA became a PA. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The second meeting was separate. We interviewed with the MC and WW went in first. Then I went in,

The third meeting was the last. MC went over the results of her research, talked about WW friend, told her for MC to work she has to end the relationship.

We never went back. Expecting DV papers this week, probably tommorrow at work.

Hope you have a better luck. But if your WW won't end the A I doubt you can continue counseling with any success. Good Luck.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: 1Fla Man ]</small>

Yes, MC knows about WW's A. I set up the appointment and briefly let him know the situation.

MC's web site claims they are very pro-marriage and seems to back it up with lots of links to articles on the negitive effects of divorce.

Lost,
I had my first MC appointment about 2 weeks ago. My husband was and still is the fog but after the first session I could see a difference. He gave me the speech of not wanting to try in this marriage anymore. But he said he would go to MC with me. At the end of the first session the counselor asked him what he wanted to do and he told her he wanted to see if we could work things out. He really opened up to her but the first session I really felt attacked.

She didn't talk about the affair even though I mentioned things. She did focus on things I needed to change. At first I felt attacked but after the session I realized she was right about what she said. That if I wanted this marriage to work I needed to change things and she helped me see some of the things I didn't.

We had our 2nd session on thursday. It went really well also. On the drive home my husband looked at me and said he was beginning to see I really did understand him and that I was taking the things she said and trying to make a difference.

My husband a few days before we went to MC decided it was time to try NC to see if it made a difference in how he felt about our marriage. So far there have been ups and downs but I see a lot more positive things now than I did before. Good luck I will be praying for you.

It sounds as if you did a good job selecting the counselor. Hopefully he/she knows their stuff.

One word of caution. Frequently, WSs use MC as a platform or "kangaroo court" to declare the marriage is "over" and to simply put in a showing to say they tried. It sounds as if 1Fla Man's post above is describing this situation. You can't do anything about this, just recognize it if it occurs and don't get PO'd.

Listen intently to your WS and when you get your turn to talk, use terms like "I feel" or "I believe" when describing things. For example, instead of saying, "You beam up to the Mothership without even telling me where you're going!" Try, "I feel sad and hurt when you beam up to the the Mothership because I don't know where you're going and I care about you."

See the difference?

Hello,

Where is everyone finding these great pro-M counselors? I have been calling and searching, but no luck so far. Also, my H has fallen away from the faith, so he's not going to agree to go to a church counselor or someone similar (although I think that could come back in time). Any help for finding a pro-M, A-recovery MC in the NYC area?

Thanks!

Lost,
The best way to find out about your MC is to ask this open ended question: What do you think about the theory of codependency?

Up on the main MB there is an article by Harley entitlled How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. read it fast!

CNH,
My W and I have been to two other counselors before finding our current one. Imagine we finally found a IC/MC who had actually read Harley's "SAA" and Glass' "Not Just friends".

Anyway my point is that the absolute worst counselor we had was the first. He was the church couples pastor. He gave lousy advice. He asked/demanded that we forgive each other. Didn't bother to figure out that wife was still lying about the nature of the realtionship. We only went twice. At the end I asked if he was going to refer us out to a MC. The reply was "No. You've forgiven each other and so there's no need."

After finding MB and also reading Glass' book referenced above. I politely called the church to try and schedule an appointment with the senior pastor to discuss. I wanted to politely tell him that his couple's pastor was giving advice that was more detrimental than helpful. He never returned the call. The call was referred back to the couples pastor who sent me an e-mail that was half apologetic but full ofrationalizations.

I'm sure there are loads of examples of the opposite scenario, but I think everyone needs to be leery of a lay pastor with no license for counseling who in fact is practicining marriage counseling.

Mac

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Mac - agreed - a bad counselor can do more damage than just trying to implement the MB stuff on our own.

My question still remains... how do you find a pro-M counselor who is familiar with (or at least willing to read) SAA or other similar programs?

I'm at my wits end trying to find someone and you would think that it wouldn't be so hard in a place as large as this City.

Help!

cutenothot,

I think your problem is you are in NYC. Too many liberals out there.