I’m so glad you’re going to do it FL. It’s the right thing for both of you. A secret will always come between you and now you will be able to move forward as a woman of substance.

Be prepared to do whatever your H needs you to. Perhaps you can get a NC letter written ASAP and show him you really want this recovery. When my H started procrastinating about this, I was ready to give up completely. This is your big chance!

Let us know how you get on. I’ll be thinking of you both.

hi all,

well, i chickened out before leaving for work and i have been bombarded since getting here, sorry for not posting sooner.

H got home (he and daughter stopped at grocery store, H forgot about how i was dependent on him getting home so i could get to work!!), but he was in such a good mood, had fun playing golf, when he got home he decided to take a nap plus i was so rushed at that point and anxious to get to work because in reading my email, i knew i was going to get bombarded once in...

anyway, excuses, excuses... i will have to find the time to tell him tonight though.

i am off to IC now.

P.S. JL... what i think you are trying to say to me is that although i still have more work to do, i am moving forward such that you don't have much you feel you need to say to me. is that right?

i have to tell you, i reflected on what it means to me when i don't get responses from you and what i came up with will make you laugh, made me kinda of laugh, except a laugh that says... man you are pathetic sometimes. what i came up with was... if JL does not respond to me, i must not be important. makes me just realize, i really have a LOT of work to do to not need so much external validation!!!!! how old am i again?? 3?

*External Validation*

There is NOTHING wrong with liking the feeling of having someone you respect validate your behaviors, or your choices..... that DOES feel nice ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, NO ONE can validate YOU, the person....

We can cheer you on when you make progress... and you can bask in that praise all you like .... that's OK....

But you are a person of great worth .... a precious being .... even when we are silent or tossing 2X4s your way......

You are loved like a child by God... and there is nothing you need to do to deserve THAT love.

The rest of us.... our opinions are all nothing but noise.... comparred to the glow of God's love for you.

Don't attempt to please us.... just attempt to do your very best in life.

Your struggle is what makes you so beautiful. My struggles make me beautiful too.

Just the fact that you value your integrity and choose to discuss your integrity .... makes me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and hug you across the information highway.

((( hug )))

Pep

FL,

It's up to you, but I was just wondering if it would help for you to talk to your H at a time when both of you didn't have to rush off to work, or work the next day.

Like, if your H has weekends off, talk to him on Friday night so that he wouldn't have to get up and go to work all stressed out the next day.

Plus, it would give the two of you more time to talk. Unless going to work would give you both the chance to get away from the stress for a while.

I didn't think all the options through as carefully as I wished I had when I talked to my H about this, so I'm just offering some food for thought.

God bless,

Rose55

Dear FL,

Sorry I haven't posted you for a couple days. I have been having loads of internal struggles, and think (in a small way though) that I may be on the verge of a breakthrough in my shift of focus.

I have been trying to work this out on my thread, but I wanted you to know even though I haven't posted much at the moment, I do think about you and pray for you every day.

When I am in the car going around, I think about you guys over there so much.

I know I couldn't do this without you all.

How did IC go?

Have you given H that note/letter?

Please please reply when you can to keep me updated.

I do care about you and what you are going through.

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ijust told H about 30 min ago, it didn't go terribly, it didn't go great. he was pretty angry that i never changed work number but at the time we both decided to not do it cuz of work politics, i am now going to do what i can to get it changed. he is mowing lawn now, stewing a bit i think, but at least i did the right thing. he didn't like the idea that i told OM if contact occurs again i would ask H to call him.

"i see no reason why i have to help resolve this"

this is sorta what i expected his reaction would be but i told him he is my H and i was thinking it is better to do this as a team then me doing something on my own. he didn't respond positively but it kinda shut him up. i told him it was understandable that he was angry about the contact and that i was really sorry.

i'm sure there is more discussion to follow but i am just going to have to keep focused on the fact that i did do the right thing, and i told him all of it, including how i made poor choice in that i didn't 100% ignore the call and how i allowed a small conversation to occur during the first call. and i told him how i called OM back the next day and gave him the stronger msg of not to call and that i would give H number if he ever did. that is when he said he didn't want to have to help resolve this problem.

i'm still no where perfect, but i did do the right thing in this particular case. i'm kinda glad daughter and i are leaving tommorow to go camping.

i hate that i have caused him more pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

p.s. rose, i agree with you, there is a big benefit in sticking with being honest cuz this sure does give me more incentive to NOT SCREW UP AGAIN!!!! just like confessing really did help me get a handle on really stopping the A. it changes one's focus A LOT!!

FL,

You are doing well. I must leave now but hang in there. You did a good thing.

God Bless,

JL

thanks JL.

when H came back in he was not acting mad or anything, i asked him if we were OK and he said yes, i'm not 100% sure he really meant it, i'm thinking he just didn't want to discuss at the time. then he told me that he had contacted his friend earlier today and agreed to meet him for a few drinks tonight. thurs is the normal night for him to see this person, not that he does it every thurs but at least once or twice a month and he had not seen him the last few thurs so i don't think he was going out because of this news. when i walked him to the door he did say he would want to discuss this again, but not tonight. i said ok, whenever you want to.

i WILL be talking to the dept secretary tommorow about how to get a new number. i'm not really sure it is going to be possible but i am crossing my fingers.

i've been doing girl scout camping preperations and cleaning house most of the night, got a bit more to do, glad to have something to keep me busy now that kids are in bed.

i really can be a total idiot sometimes. why i sabatoge all the good progress that has been occuring i just don't know, i do the same thing when i am trying to eat right and exercise more, whenever i start to make headway, i have a binging session, or if i am getting into a good routine of exercising, i start eating more junk (i.e. chocolate mostly). it's like i just don't want to allow my life to go well. it's a very self-destructive behaviour i have. something i have to work on in IC.

i no longer know if i should give H this note i have been working on. i'm probably just too bummed right now to make any decisions. shockingly i have not cried much today but i feel so bad for causing more pain. i'm my own worst enemy. i'm honestly trying not to beat myself up but i am so frustrated with myself. why do i keep doing stupid stuff like this?????

Hi FL,

I've been thinking about you. I'm glad the confession session went as well as it did...seems like it could have been way worse. I hope you're both o.k. today.

I wish your H could help you more. I wonder if an IC or someone told him to let you take responsibility and clean up your own mess? It sort of sounds like something a therapist would suggest somehow.

Once I asked a therapist if she would change the password on a secret e-mail account that I had, so that I couldn't get into it to contact FOM. She wouldn't do it. She said I would just open another account, and that I needed to change my behavior. It hurt, but I understood what she was saying. I was the only one who could really stop me from doing the wrong thing.

I'm not in the mental health care profession, but the situations you describe about "why do I keep doing this stupid stuff" sound like how addicts behave. I recognize addictive behavior since I've displayed it myself!

It's frustrating, but you are working on yourself, and you can recover. Use all the resources you have available to you (God, counselors, relatives, friends).

I'll be away from a computer for a few days, but I'll continue to pray for you! God bless.

Rose55

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Dear FL,

How are you doing? What is the latest with you? I have been thinking of you so much recently. You said:

i really can be a total idiot sometimes. why i sabatoge all the good progress that has been occuring i just don't know, i do the same thing when i am trying to eat right and exercise more, whenever i start to make headway, i have a binging session, or if i am getting into a good routine of exercising, i start eating more junk (i.e. chocolate mostly). it's like i just don't want to allow my life to go well. it's a very self-destructive behaviour i have. something i have to work on in IC.

I can relate to this as I have been there. I went for ages doing regular gym workouts and eating healthy, then suddenly it would seem I would go 'back' again and lose all motivation as it were, and go back on my 'chocolate' binge. However I felt emotionally that day is what reflected my eating habits and whether I felt like exercising or not.

How is IC going at the moment?

Have to log out soon and am going to go to church this morning.

Please take care of yourself,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

well, like i reported on thurs night, i told H about contact with OM. it could of went worse. he got home pretty late that night and we did not talk at all. friday morning i left early for work, lost control of car as i was on the on ramp to the expressway and did same major damage.

i was distracted as i was putting on my seat belt and next thing i knew i am out of control. from what i could gather, i took too long and didn't turn with the road, went up on the side and hit the guard rail, turned the wheel too ubruptly and went too far the other direction until i hit the curb on the opposite side of the ramp which blew out both tires. i was half way out of the seat but i had a hold of the wheel and was able to pull myself back up and get to brake. i spun around and stopped facing the wrong way and quickly pulled it off to the side. a woman immediately stopped to see if i was ok and asked me if that truck had side-swipped me. she said she saw a truck zoom past me on my left side and that is why i lost control. i have no knowledge of any truck. i was very shook and very confused. i was only 1/2 mile from home, called H, he was still in bed, he is not the type that wakes up quickly. he came out, looking mad but stated he was not. he asked me later if i did it on purpose.

for anyone that remembers... the morning after i first confessed i backed out of driveway and into neighbors car who was also backing out. now this time i tell H about OM contact and the following morning damage car again.

we had car towed, had two new tires put on it and it drives just fine now. driver door does not open easiely due to messed up front panal, i have to get it to body shop sometime very soon.

i rented a car since daughter and i had camping plans, a weekend at the girl scout camp and she and i were "hosting" one of the sites. we had a very nice time.

when i got home, H was in very bad mood, said his weekend was terrible (we had talked on phone twice, i could tell he was very unhappy), after kids went to bed he asked me to repeat all the details regarding contact that occured last week and then he brought me a pad of paper and told me to write down OM's name, number and address and i did. he also asked for physical details, including age, i don't think age was ever mentioned before. OM is 14yrs younger than i, (H is 3yrs older than me). H didn't seem to have much of a reaction to that news.

H is not sure if he is going to contact OM or not. if he does, he is not sure if it will be face to face or on phone. H stated he would not tell me if he makes contact with OM or not, although later he said he would tell me after the fact.

needless to say, my stress level is very high today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i did not hesitate to give him info and i told him whatever he decides is ok with me. that if it will help him to contact OM then he should do it. of course on the inside i am really hoping this does not happen!!!!!

we talked more about A details. H asked questions about how much did OM pressure me. As much as i would like to make it seem like i was partially victimized i was not and told H the same and for H to think that was part of the equation at all would be wrong. this was my doing and i take full responsibility. i'm not really sure but i think H was less inclined to contact OM but i really don't know and i'm too chicken and stressed out to ask.

rose,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder if an IC or someone told him to let you take responsibility and clean up your own mess? It sort of sounds like something a therapist would suggest somehow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H is not in counsoling at all, nor has he talked to anyone about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not in the mental health care profession, but the situations you describe about "why do I keep doing this stupid stuff" sound like how addicts behave. I recognize addictive behavior since I've displayed it myself!

It's frustrating, but you are working on yourself, and you can recover. Use all the resources you have available to you (God, counselors, relatives, friends).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes it is frustrating and yes it does feel like an addiction more than anything else. thanks for the encouragement, i am commited to recovering, myself and my marriage.

bv, thanks for the post and support, i posted more to you in your thread.

back to work for me.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>