I can't believe I'm sitting here and writing these words. I had an affair this last April; an unintentional one with a stranger. I was lonely, depressed, isolated, and empty. I had no intention of cheating, but had been considering leaving due to the severe unhappiness. The person I met, I saw as a gift from God, however I realize it was Satan tempting me at my lowest. He, the other man, was perfect and lovely and met a need. It lasted until just recently. It is over now, my husband is fully aware, and to my dismay, he loves me and continues to be patient with me and forgive. The counselor suggested separation as a way for me to clear my head of the other man, as I had strong feelings for him, and get over my dependency on my husband. (3 months min.) I am terrified and not sure if this is the way to go. We are stuck and finding it hard to work through these problems under the same roof. Does anyone have advice? I love him as a brother, not as a husband. The sexual element is missing, however, he is the most wonderful man and he takes good care of me.

Anna,
Thank God you posted this question for input.

Absolutely do not move out of the house!!!

Find another MC. Your current one believes in the theory of codependency. Harley (and others) think it is complete drivel.

Harley has an article upi on the main board entitled "How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages." Read it asap and start calling around for a pro-marriage counselor.

Mac

Wow, that is probably the WORST advice that I have seen from a MC in a long time. Separation does not help your marriage, but only increases your chances of divorce. You can't very well work on a marriage if you AREN'T THERE.

Please find a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor who knows what they are doing. Try the Harleys, they are among the best in the nation and you will get your money's worth.

Anna, you can fall in love again with your H if he learns to meet your needs. Your lack of feelings right now are almost TEXTBOOK CLASSIC with a person withdrawing from an affair. A person coming out of a fantasy affair usually does not feel anything towards their partners at first, but those feelings DO GROW with the proper work.

Very probably, the problems in your marriage made you vulnerable to an affair. It's vitally important that you find out what needs were not being met by your H so you can both learn to meet each others needs and fall in love again. But, that ain't going to happen if you aren't there!

You need to get your hands on the following books ASAP: Surviving an Affair, His 'Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can buy them off this website and they have fast, cheap shipping. They will really open your eyes to what is happening here.

If you are serious in wanting to rebuild your marriage and fall in love with your H again there here is a question.

How can you save a marriage if you are living in seperate houses?

Seperating shouldn't even be an option for people wanting to save thier marriage. Your MC should already know that.

ooooooh really really bad bad advice...

it is your actions that define your intentions..

if you love and cherish your husband you will stay by his side and nurture those feelings....

not go off by your self to find yourself...
how much more creuler could that be to him...

and get over my dependency on my husband.
what does that mean???

We are stuck and finding it hard to work through these problems under the same roof.

even logically how does this make sense..turning away from one another when the going gets rough...

you need a promarriage counselor....not some pop-psyche feel good wacko... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had an affair this last April; an unintentional one with a stranger

with all due respect....no one has an unintentional affair...
no one is removed from accountability...

ark

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Anna,

I'll bet you were shocked when your H found out and decided to stay and love you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You are NOT alone that is often the way with these things. Have you read the articles here? If not you really should, I think you will learn a lot.

Coming out of withdrawal takes time but you can help by being civil to your H, and helping him when you can. I have bookmarked SKM's Chronicles for you to read. It is her recovery from her affair and her dealing with withdrawal and generally getting back into the marriage. I will tell you that she and her H now have a child and are very very happy together, but it does take time and NOT time apart. Please read and see what you think.

Here it is SKM's Chronicles

Keep posting and asking questions. We seem to have a lot of WS's on the board right now, dealing with what you are dealing with. You will hear from them I am sure.

God Bless,

JL

Anna,
Please listen to the posters Surviving an Affair cost about $20 I think. It is worth its weight in gold.

Now on to other things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was lonely, depressed, isolated, and empty. I had no intention of cheating, but had been considering leaving due to the severe unhappiness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My guess is that you are now again feeling depressed. Correct?

This is the exact state my W was in preA. Some theories say that depressed people are more likely to have affairs (not an excuse a fact)This happens bc the WS is disillusioned w/ the marriage and depressed. The OP comes along and in the beginning provides friendship, moral support etc.. The WS starts to feel better and better after each interaction. the relationship develops past proper boundaries.

In essence the WS is using the affair and the associated "feel good" qualities of the affair as a anti-depressant (AD) medication. Here at MB you'll see the phrase that an affair is like an addiction. It's true.

So what happens when the affair is discovered and the formerly depressed WS stops seeing the OP ie stops taking there ADs? The depression comes roaring back. It usually comes back twice as strong and twice as difficult to treat.

The feeling of depression makes a the task of recovery, already a difficult assignment, nearly impossible. So I stongly advise you to find a MC that works hand in hand w/ a psych who can evaluate you and perscribe ADs if necessary. Psychs are really the only ones who can properly perscribe ADs. MDs are not as good at the evaluation procss so don't just go to your local HMO/PPO GP MD. Psychs are also better at the follow up which is needed to evaluate dosage or medication changes. Occassionally ADs temporarily can increase the possibility of thoughts of suicide. Psych are better equipped at evaluating a patient for this risk.

Alot of people normally respond with," I want to give this a try without drugs." They're usually thinking I'm not crazy ergo I don't need to see a Psych. Depression alters the brain chemmistry. Mix this with alcohol or other drugs and it's even worse. The ADs can change the chemistry back.

BTW, I ignored this same advice and my W and I suffered thru the process.

Also your H is now in danger of falling into the same depression that you may have been in prior to the A.

What does you H say in all this? How is he doing? How is he reacting? Is he stuffing it all down inside or are there signs of the rage?

Ark^^ is right. Both you and your H are responsible for the state of the m preA. Having said that there is only one person who decided ie rationalized to have an A.

It is important that you realize this, accept it and as IC likes to say "own it". If you blame your H for the A that will not produce the result of saving the M. It may just push him further away.

Try and give more background and describe how your H doing.

Mac

You sound just like my wife. These are some of the things she has been telling me. Needing to separate and all the other stuff.

I know from my perspective that I want to work it out with my wife and save our marriage. I am willing to go to counseling, and change my habits to more effectively meet her needs. If your husband is also willing to do these things, I hope that you would stay with him and work it out together. Especially if you have children.

I'm glad your affair is over. Now get to work on that marriage.

Thanks for the advice. The reason the MC offered this advice was because my reasons for marriage were not traditional. I knew I only loved him as a friend, but he was the best guy around and everyone said that if we married those feelings would come. (We waited for sex until marriage.) Those feelings never came. Sex was great, but no intimacy. I cringe when he kisses me and touches me. I can kiss him, but he CANNOT kiss me. I hate it. I am repulsed. This was the same in dating, but I kept it from him for fear of losing him, as he was my best friend. We have seen 2 MC now and both advised the same. We feel that it would be devestating to our relationship. The OM is gone, but I am also dealing with the greif of losing someone who made me feel alive sexually. I know these are not important things, I grew up in the Christian church, but I need to feel intimacy. This is a need I have, that has never been met by my husband. I don't know how to change it? I am so desperate and though I will stay with my husband because divorce is not an option, I am left wondering if I can ever be myself or truly happy as I was with the OM? I am sorry for all these random thoughts.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: trapito ]</small>

Welcome Anna - ditto the others. Think about it - does separation make ANY sense if you want to rebuild a marriage?

This is like my son claiming a separation from trigonometry will help him learn it better. (He hasn't really claimed this, but you get the point, right?)

You will find lots of help here as can already be seen, but sometimes we have to be firm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by annakarenina:
<strong> I had an affair this last April; an unintentional one with a stranger.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one of those times. In order for you to really heal, you have to acknowledge that your affair was a conscious decision. Maybe it wasn't premeditated, per se, but you made the decision to not stop it from starting. All affairs are intentional. Please accept this, it will get you over a hump, I bet. No excuses.

As JL related, you should not be surprised your H wants to work on your marriage. Help him work on it by introducing him to this site so he can also benefit from it.

We sincerely want to help both of you.

Background. I was young when I met him; 17. We dating for 5 1/2 years and have been married almost 2 years this September. He has been my best friend through all of this, always standing beside me. I never had strong sexual feelings towards him, and attempted to break off the relationship multiple times in our dating. I never could get over him. Without him I was free and happy, but oh so lost. Like a good fix, I kept coming back. My family loved him and encouraged marriage. Pre-marriage counseling we talked about all these things, but the advice was proceed, when you foster sexuality it will come. We have good sex, just no feelings on my part. He loves me so much, and I love him, but his love is romantic and mine is platonic. First year of marriage was great. Second, we bought land and built a home. Stress. Stress. Stress. He ignored and pushed me aside. Meeting the OM was complete fate or whatever. I was not out looking and on the contrary, very protective of my marriage. I had been depressed, isolated, and very much alone. He had stopped meeting my needs for the last 6 months. I tried, but nothing helped. Meeting the OM was like an AD. We became good friends. We then became lovers. The amazing thing was how willing I was once things got going. I felt convicted and hated the lies and the even greater distance from my husband. Also, the OM was a very nice man, and I felt guilt for stringing him along. He deserved more, like my husband, than half a woman. I told my husband and he reacted with utter agony. The pain was unreal. I had crushed him and my heart sunk so low I felt I could no longer look him in the eye. I had failed him. He did not deserve this, even though we had problems before the OM. He became angry, very angry. Violent. Scary. He is calm now, cries off and on, and is willing to do whatever it takes. How's that for background.

So let me see the sex was good, but did NOT have passion (whatever that is). Your H is a man you tried to leave many times but when you did you missed him and wanted him back in your life. You claim you never "loved" him, but of course you did marry him.

You have ripped his heart out, and he responds in love, and you wonder if you will ever have a passion for him. It is all about YOU isn't it Anna?

The lack of passion is on your part, and I am betting it is because you expect an H to be a certain way and an OM to be another. You wonder if you could ever have it for your H, and the answer is of course, but to put it very very bluntly, you have to get your head out of your ***. You cannot see him with your head there.

AS you can tell I am not in the best of moods today, but I hope you realize that this is all ABOUT YOU and when you ever decide to make your life about your H and see him for who he is, then and only then will you find the passion you crave.

But, a word of warning, passion dies out. In love feelings can die out, but real deep love NEVER dies out. Unfortunately it seems only one of you understands that. It is NOT a sentence to a boring life, it is a sentence to a rewarding, fullfilling, and deep life. But, quiet waters run deep, I think you prefer the shallows with the rapids, of course those rocks that cause the rapids provide alot of excitement and then they kill you.

Time to grow up, and realize what you had, and you may have again. I must tell you that you are about the 5th poster here with this attitude and it is getting tiring.

I think it is time for me to take a break. You have been given a huge gift and you are still blame shifting when there is no need to. Accept that you failed as a W, as a woman, and as a human being, and YET...your H loves you. If you cannot find something in that situation to become passionate about, then you really don't know a gift from God when you see one. I guess we already know that.

Please do us a favor here and read the articles. They will help you see things more clearly and hopefully you will learn how to communicate with your H as that is crucial to having a good marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Dear Anna
"I was lonely, depressed, isolated, and empty. I had no intention of cheating, but had been considering leaving due to the severe unhappiness." I could have written this last summer, although I did not feel as strongly about my OM as you seem to. My H and I spent
as much time together as possible after DDAY -
it worked, we both realized how much we loved each other and how much we wanted our M to work

I do not think a separation will help but only confuse you more. I really do believe for you and your H to work on your M you need to be in the same household. Being apart will not help at all, I agree with the other posters, perhaps you should change counsellors. - Sandy