This is a long story and I apologize and will try to condense it. My h had an affair in June of 2002 with his high school sweetheart. The A started at their class reunion. We have been married 21 years. D-Day was September 12,2002. At that time I got the story that "I care about you but I love her." In fact, he also stated that he wanted his cake and eat it too. Meaning he wanted both of us. We live several states away. (Although not far enough away sometimes)

In January of 2003, he promised to have NC until May. I only agreed to this because I thought if we had time to work on the marriage he wouldn't want to make the call when the time came. We then started counseling with MB. After three sessions we quit because H felt they were picking on him and making him the bad guy. Unknown to me he immediately began calling her again. I didn't find out they were having contact until the summer. This time I told him to leave. He begged me to let him have another chance and said that he would have NC.

Again I believed him and although I continued to check on him (he agreed to this) I could find no evidence of him having contact. Just last month, I was out of town on a business trip and my son called me and told me that he had heard my H and the OW on the phone. Bless his heart - he is only 12 - when he told me he said "I know this will hurt you and I am sorry but you need to know." If only his father was this caring.

When I got home, I again told him that we should go to Plan B - (complicated by the fact that we own a business together). Somehow, he convinced me that he had seen the light and he even wrote her a letter saying he loved me and that he was not going to have contact again with her. He asked me to mail it which I did.

This weekend, I decided to hit the redial on the office phone and his "secret" calling call number came up. He swears he nver finished the call . . he can't even (or won't) tell me what the purpose of the call was.

I am so tired - I have been a supportive wife. I have been doing so good at meeting all of his top needs and staying away from LBs.

Sorry for the ramble - I don't know where else to turn to. Can anyone offer any advice?

He can look me straight in the eye and lie. And he says he is a bad liar. Can a liar ever change?

Sometimes it takes them awhile to get over OP. I would ask him what his plan is to stay away from her. How long were you in Plan A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forthegood:
<strong> He can look me straight in the eye and lie. And he says he is a bad liar. Can a liar ever change? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, a liar can change, but as you have seen, you can't ever believe the word of liar. You have to go by their actions. And his actions tell me that he is not done with this affair. He still hides it from you and the second your back is turned, he is in touch with her.

I suspect the reason this has gone on so long is that he has never been given the opportunity to find out that the OW can't possibly meet all his needs. The fantasy aspect of the affair is still alive and well.

You have essentially been in a very long Plan A that has worked against you. And I understand why, you thought that it was over before so that makes sense.

Have you exposed his affair all over the place? Is she married?

If it were ME, I would expose it all over the place, if I hadn't done this before, and go into Plan B until I was absolutely sure he had ended the affair.

And I sure wouldn't let him come back fast. I would take my sweet time to make sure it was right. My God, what a nightmare to have to play police for year! I really feel for you.

Have you thought about calling the Harley's again to get their input?

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

thank you for the input. Plan A has been in effect since December of 2002. If you would have asked me what I would have done if I discovered my H had an A before this time I would have said I would boot him out. I usually am a really strong individual. my friends keep asking me why I am staying and I can't say for sure. It must be that I love him.

I'm not sure that he is able to be faithful. He says that he will try to commit to our marriage. What is "try"? Isn't it just a decision to do it?

A big problem for me is that we work together - we are both CPA's in our own practice. We have other staff depending on us as well as clients.

I have not told the OW's husband. H says that if I did that he would probably leave because she would need him then because her H is scary. He views her as needy of a man taking care of her and he views me as strong and able to take care of myself.

I'm sorry I am rambling - I'm having a tough time deciding anything.

We have talked about Plan B - he says what would happen is that he would have fun - be free to go see her, talk to her whenever, go out with his friends. I would be stuck maintaining the practice, our child and the homefront. What would this accomplish?