Day started bad. Found out my move was postponed yet another week. Was already emotional when H called.
Hadn't spoken to H in a few days. Couldn't hold back emotion. I really messed up. I beged and pleaded but as we all know it just made things worse. H says he never got over my past indescresions. Says I made him feel immasculated and because of the things he's had to go through this past month since his EA was discovered he says he's no longer able to be person he used to be. Says he can't go outside without people watching him. People treat him differently at work because I let it out what was happening. Says his mom is disappointed in him and that really hurts him because he's always tried to be a good son.
Says he didn't like the person he became because he was so unhappy with us. Says he didn't like the way he started treating me. Says he's not angry but he will never be able to forget the things I've done to him and what he's become because of me. Says nothing is going to change that. Told him I loved him said he could not recipricate. Said this site was confusing and he wasn't up for reading it. Says I shouldn't move back to IL and that he wants the seperation. Says he's felt like this since the beginning of our relationship but stayed in it because he didn't want to give up but now he has nothing left. Right now I really hate myself. I've been working on myself recently but I still feel like I've been a horrible companion and I start feeling like this again. He said he understands that a lot of the problems that I contributed to the relationship were because of abuse in my past and that I need to work on that but no matter how much I try nothing is going to make him be who he used to be. Also said that if we tried to work things out he would only end up unhappy. I told him he was being stubborn which I shouldn't have but it just came out. Says the only person who still treats him the same is his dad which is not suprising because his dad has always seemed to have a thing for thinking he is always right and thinks it's okay to flirt with women. I'm so stupid, why did I break down? I should have stayed quiet and never started to cry. Right now I wish I had never confronted him about his EA. At least then I would still be living with him and would have had a chance to try and win him back by showing him my love. This seperation has made things so much worse. I feel like I won't ever get the chance to work through things. He says he's just an empty shell. I feel dead inside.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeME ]</small>

At least then I would still be living with him and would have had a chance to try and win him back by showing him my love.

This is exactly why you go to be with him. And between now and then, and when you get there, you Plan A, with all that is within you. You show him your love.

You need to search for a way to "emotionally detach" from him for a while, and thing through this intellectually. Fill his LB$, expecting NOTHING in return. Plan A is hard, hard, hard. But it can be done.

You might want to contact the Harley's and see if a MC session with them won't get you fired up and on the right path. You can find their contact information from the "HOME" page.

Do not let every conversation you have with him get you down. He is in fog land, and most of what he says is fogese, gibberish. He has know idea what he's talking about right now. The man you are dealing with is NOT the Husband you once had. He is the equivilant of an alien abductee. You need to keep that in mind at all times. He will not respond to you like the H you once knew.

That's why you Plan A, your actions will slowly reach him. Please don't give up. Do all you can do, so IF this does not end as you hope it will, you can say, and more importantly, KNOW, you did all you could.

Best wishes

SD

I keep trying. I won't give up. I wish I could afford a session with Harley but money is really tight right now. I think I only have $10 I can use period. I can't even afford to buy Surviving An Affair. I wish I could. H is having money difficulties as well. His call today was about seperating our cell phone accounts because he couldn't afford having mine on his account. Which basically means I won't have a cell phone anymore.

I don't even know how to fill his LB$ anymore. I don't know what he needs. All he says is he needs for me not to be around. I try to be nice, I'm just too sensitive and I feel trampled on. It's as though he's trying to get back at me for the things I did a long time ago. We really didn't deal with them when they happened so I guess they just festered.

Also, I have been seeing a therapist down here but she just tells me that it looks clear that things are over and that I have to find a way to fall out of love with him.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeME ]</small>