I finally got my wife to admit that her EA has progressed into a PA. Literally, just got off the phone with her.

I am, needless to say, very upset. She has spent time telling me that "I don't have to worry about that" because it won't happen. Now, I am not really shocked mind you. I told her that noone is going to hang around for five months and spend every weekend with a person without something happening eventually.

I like to think that I handled it very well(although I feel like puking). I just told her that this doesn't change my feelings for her and that I am still 100% committed to working out problems out. I then had to go because our discussion was taking a negative turn and I didn't want it to turn into a big fight.

Now, she has said that she reads this site so she may very well read this. I think that she is still torn between us (I like to think that anyway), this just tosses another monkey wrench into the machinery. Keep me in your thoughts.

I had an affair on my husband. What your wife is going through is difficult, just as what you are going through is difficult. You feel violated and shattered. I can bet she does not feel good now either. My guess is that choosing between you both is heavy on her heart. You see, the OM has nothing on you except meeting a current emotional need. Once exposed to the real world, she will see what they ahd was nothing. I know this from personal experience. She is torn because who she is with him makes her feel alive and lovely. However, she loves you and the world you have created together, hopefully. If you shower her with love, respect, and patience you can win her back. The OM does not care about her, only that he got in her pants. Excuse my boldness. I am greiving the loss of my OM. He made me feel alive and whole. However, my husband holds my heart and I love the life we have created. He has responded with love and compassion and given me all that I need. I am so overwhelmed by his love that I cannot walk away from it. You don't find a love that would endure an EMA. I hope this helps. I am still sorting all my feelings, but my affair was not meant to hurt my husband. She did not mean to hurt you, but she was taking care of herself. Since my husband has started taking care of me in the most appropriate way we have grown closer and recovery is a possibility. Also, I feel shame whenever I am with my spouse, so understand that she may want to run to avoid the pain of dealing with her guilt. Best of luck and I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

Dear Sad - it is good that you wife has opened up to let you know the truth. Anna is right, keep up with Plan A, it works, I too am a fww, my H did a great Plan A, it really made me realize what a mistake I was making having an A with the OM when everything I wanted and needed could be fulfilled by my H. Your wife will see this too,

I think it is good you handled the whole thing so well, no LB, keep posting, you will get a lot of good advice, Sandy

Sad,
I was in your shoes. My W swore to me that it was just an EA, a friendship that got out of control.

Although she gave up OM right after DDay1 or was it bc he never intended to leave his wife, she lied to me for a year and half. I thought we were in recovery the whole time. One piece of her story stil didn't make sense to me so I occassionally persisted to know if there was more truth.

There was. It was an PA. Claims only one time with lots of kissing, squeezing and "I love yous"

DDay2 was last September. We're still together working on the marriage.

Be aware that once the truth is out some WW feel so guilty that they push a BH away. They say things like," how could you ever forgive me. I can't even forgive myself."

Keep Plan Aing. What ENs are you focusing on for her that OM is or was providing for her.

Mac

Thanks all. My wife and I had a talk last night (and even started to get intimate). She wasn't comfortable with it so I let her know that it was ok for us to stop. She just kept asking what that would make her if she made love to me...she would feel slutty. I just needed her so much.

I have one additional problem that is causing my wife serious problems regarding trusting me. I was verbally abusive to her for most of the 17 years we were together. I am taking steps to work on this, reading books, I will start counseling on the 26th and will be joining a group on abuse next week. She is just so scared of getting hurt by me again. I know that all I can do is keep on showing her that I love her and that I am fixing my problem. Have any of you fww had to deal with this situation? My wife keeps asking me how she can work on forgiveness. I don't know what to tell her.

cw, you asked "What ENs are you focusing on for her that OM is or was providing for her."

I believe, from what she has told me, that she was needing respect first and foremost. Respect for her feelings. This is something that I am really working toward. I let her say pretty much anything and I haven't had a blowup yet. I also am working on conversation and affection, two more biggies.

One thing that she said yesterday regarding the om is that he was willing to give up his career for her and she felt that this was very flattering. She did say that she wouldn't let anyone do this for her but what the heck can I say to something like that?

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Sad 'N Sorry ]</small>