posted July 11, 2004 02:35 AM
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I don't know what to do. I recently found out that my husband of 20 years has cheated on me with not only the only "friend" that I have out here, but the way he did it is terrible. She was a stripper when we met, but she became a good friend quickly because she was so kind to my family during a severe time of need. We had just moved to NC, and were struck with a house fire after only a few weeks here. We didn't know anyone & she opened her home & heart to us. I had never been around people of her profession, but after many talks, was able to understand and not judge her for it & she and I became fast friends. That was 7 years ago. Last year, my husband fixed her truck for her when she didn't have any $, was really having a hard time of her own, I thought he did it out of friendship, instead he "charged" her by having her give him 4 "private parties". I want to hate her for her part in this, but I can't! I want to make him pay for what he did, to both of us, but I can't, because even though I feel like he is a dirty, rotten, cheating #*^&*@!, I still love the idiot VERY MUCH. He told her his reason was because I never felt good, I was always hurting too much,or was too tired. That is an out right lie! Because in 20+ years, I have NEVER turned him down, no matter how I was feeling!! Because even when I wasn't feeling well, being with him always made (& makes) me feel better. I don't know what to do, what to feel, how to get him back. I have decided to start working on myself. Over the years I have gained a bit of weight, that I personally hate, and as of 7/7/04 I have started drinking more water,less soda, eating better, and walking. That's about all I can do right now, as I have artheritis, and am so financially distressed that I had to file bankruptcy, he didn't file, just me. Somebody please help me!! I really have no one that I can turn to, no one to talk to, and still feel like he's keeping more from me, but that will have to wait until later or I will never get this sent.

Lana, the first thing to do is calm down. You are in the right place and we can help you.

When did you find out? Have you told your H that you know? What is his response?

Hi Melody, He tried to lie his way out of it, until I just started in filling in the details, like what he said to her, where they went, etc. Then he just stopped talking in mid-sentence, which of course was my cue to let him know that he was not very good at lying. He even tried to make me feel that he was "justified" by what he had done. Ok, I better explain something here, My H has suffered with depression caused from a chemical imbalance for many years. When he was first diagnosed, it took several months, various medications, and lots of prayers and tears to find the right combo that would help. During this horrid time, I was working full-time, trying to raise our kids (3,4,& 7 then) and trying to deal with him and his crazy moods. He would call me 15 times a day @ work, when I was @ home, I had to stay in the same room he was in or he would call for me until I would go into the room he was in. Once, he told me I could go with my brothers to the bowling alley, however when I got home, he had it in his head that I was "out running around with a bunch of men" and would not let me in the house. He had 2 of our boys in the house and was yelling that if anyone came in he was going to shoot them. It was horrible, but ended well. During this same time (he told this to me about 2 yrs. ago) he swears that I had an PA with another man. I did have a male friend that I talked to, but I NEVER did anything w/him!!! Yes, I talked to this man, cried on his shoulder about how bad I wanted my husband back, and occasionally, when things were really tough to deal with, I'd get slap-down drunk, but I KNOW, that nothing ever could have happened! Wouldn't I remember? Wouldn't I know? Could I really black out something like that?!? Anyway, I don't know what to do. I've now been told that he was quite the party guy at the strip clubs here, AND, total shock to me, someone whom I don't even know, met by unusual situation, heard me say his name, and "she" said "Oh, yeah, he likes to go to ....club" Now my husband has a not so usual name, to find more than one, in an area this size, that fits his description, sounds fishy to me. Anyway, all I do now is listen for his Harley, because he sure isn't calling me, like he agreed to do. The minutes become hours, hours become days, and I'm becomming more and more broken. He is supposedly trying to get a job as a truck driver in GA. We live in NC. He didn't pay my car insurance, I found out the hard way, hasn't paid his cell phone bill and there is a collect call block on our phone that he tells me will take $$ and time to remove, sooo, I have no way of knowing when he will be home or where he is right now.

Well,he came home @3am. Got up @10am & went to check on our son's meds. I asked if he would be back by 2, he didn't know. Well it's 11:47 PM, and not one word. Even when he's in town, I never see him!! Had some real problems with my son last night & H got home in the middle of it. I was very upset earlier & blurted out about "cheating dad & kids not helping", and the boys all heard it. Sooo, when my husband got home, my angry son (who was trying to cause big fights w/everyone) repeats it to his dad. My husband later inquired as to what he was talking about & I told him that I was upset & let it out, so yes the boys know "dad cheated on mom". I don't know what to do now they won't listen to ANYTHING that he tells them. Someone PLEASE give me some advice!!! I can't allow myself to start breaking down like this. I was saying some pretty harsh things in front of my kids, bad thoughts about my life insurance policy... stuff like that if you know what I mean. I can't do things like that, PLEASE, some advice is VERY DEEPLY NEEDED!!!

{{{Lana}}}

I am not in a very good frame of mind right now myself, but I will pray for you.

God loves you and he knows what to do.


Shul

Hey,
I gotta get to bed but I saw this and it looks like you need some immediate help.
Do you have a family doctor? If so, you can start there as far as advice on possibly some kind of meds to help you calm down the outbursts and possibly to help with advice about finding a counsellor.
I read that you are in financial trouble so this may not be an option for you but it's the only thing I can think of this at this moment.

God Bless.

Thanks for your advice. I believe that I will try to get some personal help, as soon as I can get my son somewhat settled. For those of you that don't know, we have 3 sons, R is 20 and is my rock, J will be 17 on 7/18/04 & was recently diagnosed with mood disorder & depression,C is 16 (barely) & is ADHD, Bi-polar & manic depressive. Of course H has depression due to chemical imbalance and severe angzity (I know I spelled that wrong) attacks. Some of the depression problems,lol, are hereditary, if I would have only known...I would have probably turned tail and ran 20+ years ago. By the way, I'll be 41 on 8/10 and 21st Anniversary is Oct.7. I do have somewhat of a plan that I am working on for my own health. I started it on 7/7,the day after I "found out" and have currently lost 9lbs. As for as my sanity, that's a whole different story. I'm not, or never have been the type of person to take the back seat for anything, but lately I feel like I've been put in the trunk and totally bypassed the back seat! Also, H returned home around 5am, no proof of where he was or what he was doing. I have to go to work in 2 hours, he's sleeping & will probably leave once I go to work. That's how it seems to go. I'll be very surprized if he is here tonight when I get home, even though I told him that this is where he needs to be as we need to spend some time working on us. We'll see, I'd love to lose a bet on this. Thank You & keep praying for me

Lana -

I am sure you are off to work now but thought I would pop in and say hi. My BF had an A with my H and I can relate to what you are going through. It is extremly painful to find out that you have been betrayed by one person (your H) and then to top it all off you were also betrayed by a person you thought was a friend.

I know what you are feeling and I strongly recommend that you see a doctor and get on some Anti-Ds. Trust me they will help you get your emotions under control and help you focus on what to do from here. I also recommend the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Has your H ended the A or is he still seeing your F?

I am praying for you. I know how hard it is but you and your H can work through this. It can work with faith and work. We are here for you!!

Havinghope- thanks for your words, they are of great comfort. As to your ? about if it's still going on, no, it isn't. This all happened last July. My friend came to me out of quilt and pain and informed me. She dissapeared about 10 months ago & I had no way of knowing where she was, nor did my H. It "only" (that word just sounds so odd to use) happened 4 times, it was oral, and she was used as much as I was betrayed. She finally decided that she couldn't take the guilt of her part in the whole thing and called me. She came to my house, I followed her to her "home", a beautiful "mini-mansion" as she calls it w/ an inground pool, exotic cars, etc. She pulled herself up out of a deep dark hole and is living there as a housekeeper and companion, no sex involved, for an elderly gentleman. No longer a "working girl" and what should be happier times for her, she was eaten up with guilt for what she did to me. My H has no idea where she is, her phone #, or anyway to contact her. That's not only how I want it, that's how she wants it. As to our friendship, I'm , hmmmm, well.....?? I don't know yet how that will be, I just know that I WANT to hate her, but I can't. Speaking of the H, I told him that I wanted him home tonight, we needed to work on us, he said he sould be here, at least by 1;30, well, the clock is ticking....I wonder if he'll make it? I know what I'd bet, and I'd really LOVE to LOSE the bet. Got to go, lana308

Well, it's 2 am. I WON my bet. I'm very depressed. I'm going to bed, My youngest son has an psyc. appt. @ 11am, I have to be @ work @ 3pm,in two different towns. Guess I'll just go to bed and try to sleep, which will probably happen in 2 or 3 hours if I'm lucky. I don't think I've slept over 3 hrs a day since I found this out. lana308